To want to strangle dd1?

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Omfg shit wank bollocks crap

Got a letter today from council saying benefit completely stopped citing the reason being that I have a non dependent, bill for hb overpayment alone is near enough 2 grand.
I've sent a curt letter back stating that dd doesn't have a wage, she's in college full time.
I've been sending off proof of college attendance for both dd and ds to all and sundry and am even still getting CHB for dd until next year, so I should know, right?
Wrong.
As it turns out, when dd has been saying she's been volunteering, going shopping, visiting her boyfriend, swimming, ect, it transpires the little fucker madam has actually been working, an hasn't fucking let me know!

To say I'm pissed is an understatement - I'm sitting here in shock an horror. I was looking forward to being debt free this year after going majorly without to pay bills, and debts. The last debt I have ends in feb, a loan from the social fund I took out ages ago.
I want to cry and throw up, but I can't. She's been working since fucking September FFs and I've been busy with a new baby so haven't been as on the ball as I usually am. I actually asked her not long ago what she was going to do when she left college.
I could feel the colour draining from my face when she admitted she had been working and not at college like if thought.
She has even been asking me for help with college work.
Basically she has very cleverly lived a double life, and I didn't have a shitting clue she's also arranged to move out in the new year, she obviously knew this was coming.
Basically having worked it all out I think I'm looking at a total of around seven grand
What the pissing hell do I do? Already been through the bloody mill with other stuff this year, and in the past, I don't think I can face the reality of this to be honest, I know I have to.
Am thinking of arranging for her support worker to meet with us both don't know what it will achieve but I'm so angry I need to tell them they have brought up a money grabbing lying little fuckbag and the other half of me is being all loving mom like 'don't worry, thanks for telling me the truth, its nothing we can't sort out' while my demon on the shoulder is tellin me I want to throttle her. Sorry for the venting obviously I wouldn't hurt her really, she's made a big mistake but hey ho
I don't know now whether to keep her working and pay everything and the arrears which defeats the object of the reason she worked without telling me, so she could keep all her money to spend on crap like a ps4 she told me her dad had brought for Xmas.
Sorry for rambling an no construction to post, I'm still in shock I think

citruslemon I think 'fekking aspergers* is an entirely appropriate response to this situation. The OP is acknowledging that her DD hasn't just been selfish, she's acted in this way because her ASD prevents her from having the insight into how this would affect her Mum.

Yes I did just write fekking aspergers.
I'm venting.
I obviously don't mean a lot of what I'm saying. Obviously I will help dd I feel sorry for the hard lesson she's about to learn and sorry for myself that I'm probably going to be the one paying this lot back or sorting it all out when I can't really afford it and b was congratulating myself on finally becoming debt free. I was a Scrooge over Christmas to make damn sure I didn't get into debt, changed energy tariffs, made lots of cutbacks and now been blown out of the water.
I feel entitled to write fekking aspergers to my hearts content, ok

Lougle's worked it out to about £750. CAB on Monday for more advice; then support worker. It will work out and it will be OK. She's been a silly girl but aren't you a bit proud of her that she's got a job, held it down and managed to earn 300/400 pw in spite of everything. She's gone about it the wrong way but surely that's the right track.

its sunday tomorrow you can do bugger all to sort this out until Monday when places will be open. get the facts from her - she owes you this honesty now. when did she start work, how much is gross and net pay, what has she been spending it on or is it in savings. you need your daughter to admit to them in writing that you had absolutely no idea she was working and not in college. you also need to take her along to every damn visit you have about this so that the consequences of her actions stare her right in the face. I really really feel for you and this is your post so you can write what the hell you like. you must be feeling so rubbish at the moment, trying hard to get sorted then this smacks you in the face. just work through it bit by bit on Monday. if she has savings then all of it should go to sorting this mess out and helping you. good luck OP.

You mentioned she has come from care…so is she your real daughter or a looked after child? if the latter this may help your case

Thanks, full attention now not trying to bf dd2 and type lol
Thanks to everyone who has worked out that it's not a seven grand debt necessarily staring me in the face, that was my rough in shock calculation based on Chb, ctb, hb, and child tax credit all rolled into one.
I am actually extremely proud of her for getting a job that's the one thing I didn't write and I feel sorry for her trying to keep up with her friends and boyfriend who all earn, on the pittance I've been giving her.
But having a room full of every games console known to man and clothes / DVDs ect doesn't help (sorry for drip feeding but these didn't raise any red flags as I thought she's brought them out if her compensation money, she was sadly sexually abused when she was younger, anyone who knows the back story knows this) and what else isn't her fault is that I'm already strung out with another situation I've posted about going on with my son and dss at the moment, I need to keep a clear head and keep the two issues separate.
Have hugged her an told her its not something that can't be fixed.
Thanks again those who have pointed out its not that bad nor necessarily that high an amount, you've helped bring me back down to earth. Will talk properly with her tomorrow, and see where we go from here.
Roller coaster emotions or what! Lol

Real daughter messy.
Was in care till she was 16 from age 7 because SS said I couldn't cope with her being abused and couldn't parent her effectively due to that - I told them it wasn't that and there were - IMO - some sn issues but they didn't listen
Just before she came home she was assaulted by a carer over her attitude, also they took her to be tested for aspergers and she point blank refused to go in, the carer threatened her.
At this poit she came home
They haven't really bothered with her since, am bricking it being too harsh on her or putting pressure on her will lead to her self harming again as it took a year here to stop her doing it after she'd spent five years self harming in care
She struggles to make friends and the penny is now dropping that she was earning and spending all her money maintaining friendships an her relationship. Poor bugger, how didn't I realise this? I knew she has social skills problems and have been talking her through the crap she was getting at college due to not being 'the popular one' and now this, it's going to be walking a fine line between consequences and worrying about her.

Have to admit my anger has faded pretty sharpish. Its nothing that can't be sorted though it'll be like being spoon fed horse crap for a while .. Everyone is ok, nobody died. It's just a silly mistake. Hope she doesn't just eff off though and leave me saddled with the debt as really its me that's responsible for it

The OP is acknowledging that her DD hasn't just been selfish, she's acted in this way because her ASD prevents her from having the insight into how this would affect her Mum.

If her ASD prevents her from realising consequences I am worried what may be in store for in the future financially with regards building up debts of her own.

RR
I too am worried about this. Have gone and reassured dd that I'm not angry that its nothing that can't be fixed ect but to learn from this ect ect

It's helped me in a few ways. She does act a bit like a bloody ostrich. She's got upset and a few things have been said which basically point to problem being a lot to do with ASD she basically needs a list of bills who to pay how much and when ect, struggles with changes, consequences.
So now I'm aware and this can be sorted (checked wage slips, its a zero hour contract so willy nilly pay and hours) and her 'wages' are tiny nowhere near three/four hundred quid as far as I can see this slip with four hundred odd quid is from two separate jobs she does for the same company, plus back pay, so one and a half months pay basically for 2 jobs at just under five hundred quid, I'm looking at a lot less debt if I'm lucky, plus it's reared its head now so in future we can hopefully prevent a repeat.
On Monday I'll sort what I can and also look into some sort of support for her to prevent this happening to her when she goes it alone.

She has said I'm the first person to teach her about budgeting and the like so I know she gets it, I feel responsible for this really leaving her flapping in the wind despite knowing her problems simply because I have a new baby and problems with my youngest ds, it's no excuse. So we will deal with it as a family.
So glad I posted here it's been really helpful especially as it dissolved the old red mist and helped me see things clearer.
Thanks everyone x

OP I have no experience of anything like this but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum. Things will work out and she is lucky to have you.

Thanks timid.
She's confiding in me now and I'm getting 100% honesty I believe

Disappointed she didn't feel she could tell me, in retrospect she probably thought I was up to my eyeballs as well as burying her head in the sand and thinking I'd have all her wages off her
And those things combined meant she felt unable to tell me.
Not perfect but feeling a lot less stressed by it now after so much hand holding, good advice and of course un-mumsnetty hugs

Well done. Have another un-mumsnetty hug from here too!

Do you live in a HA house, or rent privately?

If you live in a HA house, they may well have a 'Money Person' who can help you sort this out.

It isn't going to be easy to unravel, but you will.

On the plus side, she has held down a job for 4 months.

Council thankfully not ha or private, I say thankfully because they've always been pretty good.
Will sort out a payment plan with them.
Other worry is Chb and child tax credit 'sigh' suppose I'll have to throw myself on their mercy.
Have told dd I'm extremely proud of her with this job. A bit 'hmm' about the zero hr contract aspect of it though, suspect that will mean endless proving how much she has earnt from one month to the next, it's a bit 'as and when' iykwim ..
Bless her heart she was as sorry as she could manage, albeit she was doing that nervous laugh/make a lighthearted comment about the situation thing, and had worked out what stuff she could sell to try and make a bit of the money back, I felt awful, hugged her and said just hold on till we find out the exact amounts.
Gone from feeling all cotton wool mouth to actually being quite calm.
I guess I could be all infuriated but after venting here, finding out it may not be as bad as I thought, it seems a waste of energy and a bit unnecessary .. I will be taking her along to any interviews ect though simply to drum it in how these things pan out. Have also spoken to her about keeping the job as it seems to have boosted her self esteem and now the penny has dropped I thought she had been a lot happier, which I thought was because I'd dealt with problems she was having at college with the other students, she's balancing this job with full time college so really, I can't complain.
No point in going all popeye on her, it's done now, at least it wasn't drugs or a pregnancy or something she says to calm shattered nerves

Okay, I must apologise. I have read the thread properly now and I feel my last post was too harsh.

However, AS or not, many teenagers coming out of care might behave this way, and not think through the ripple effects of their actions on others. They will often be selfish, secretive, and lie almost pathologically as a form of self-protection.

You say that her care givers wanted to take her for AS testing and she refused. Does that mean she is undiagnosed?

Do you have professional experience of looked-after young people and/or those with diagnosed ASD, SWDWDN?

sowhat No, your first post was spot on.

Not AS, but Looked After teenagers, yes. Albeit many years ago, but enough to remember certain all-too-common traits in young people with rather complex and 'troubled' backgrounds, yes.

You mentioned she has lots of stuff in her room. Can she eBay it to help you with her debt? Not blaming her, but natural consequences and all...

I don't know the legalities of it, but surely they can't hold you responsible for something out of your control can they?

With council tax they can.

OP

Keep her working, start taking board off her and an amount to cover the debt, including her board while working, bus money etc.

Write to everyone and explain the circumstances.

She has only been working a few months so CT should only be 1/3 higher for those months.

She might be entitled to TC or HB in her own right.

Can I suggest you buy a copy of YNAB? It's reduced to £14.99 on Steam

It's a budgeting software which is very simple, very visual and will really help her to see the effect of spending decisions. she'll be able to see that if she buys a pair of jeans for £15 she has £15 less to spend on cinema tickets.

YABU. You are claiming money for a dependant therefore you should be looking after that dependant & showing more than a passing interest in her welfare which includes going to college parent evenings, asking about her course, where she's going etc, particularly as she has been in care. I don't see why she should pay any money back, other than perhaps bpard in retrospect for the period of time she was working.

If you are not working CTC will let you pat back a minimal amount, i am paying backc £5 a week due to an over payment as my son left college without telling me and just pretended to go every day.

RedHelen, the DD had only been at college since September, she has been helping her DD with 'homework', giving her the bus fare and lunch money. How was she to know that she wasn't actually going? there have been many, many cases where a man had continued 'going to work'after he was made redundant to avoid disappointing his wife. No one says you should have known then.