To wonder what the fucking fuck I should do?

[Midori1999]

DS, 17, moved in with his Dad after he left school at 16, so he could take up an apprenticeship at his Uncles' company, where his Dad worked. Since then there have been problems with him getting on with his Dad and a couple of months ago DS was arrested after being found with ecstasy. (Three tablets, he's since been let off with a warning basically, no caution, nothing on his record, he's very lucky!) this came totally out of the blue to me, I was shocked. A few weeks later, DS's paternal Aunt, who lives with them, searched his room and found cannabis. They told their brothers/DS's work and he was suspended from work but told his job was open for the future if he got drugs counselling, lived with me in the meantime etc.

The DS my ex describes is not the young man I know. I know he's not perfect and obviously the drug thing is appalling, no excuses whatsoever for that, but he's lovely when he's here, other than occasional minor sulking and being a bit late home sometimes when he was younger.

DS and his younger brother (DS2) have been at their Dads over Christmas. Their Dad was supposed to bring them both back today. EX rang me this morning to say he'd let DS go to a party last night and he hadnt come home. He knew they were leaving to come back at 12.30 (it's approx 3 hours drive). We both tried to ring DS and text him, ex text him to say leaving at 12.30. No answer to calls or texts. In the end I told my ex to just bring DS2 back and that DS1 would just have to get the train. He's got the train lots before.

When ex got here with DS2 he said DS1 had been back to his house, spoken to his Aunt and was on his way back here. That was at 2.30. The train journey is 1 1/2 to 2 hours. He's still not home and either his mobile is switched off or his battery is dead (DS said it was low in a text to me)

I spoke to my ex an hour ago and it turns out that when DS got to the house, his Aunt was going out and wouldn't let him in. DS had a key, but my ex changed the locks before he left this morning. What the actual fuck?! So DS possibly has a dead phone, no money (he has savings but he wouldn't be able to transfer to his current account without phone/Internet and I have no idea how to get hold of him. My ex has no idea where the party was last night, except 'near his recently ex girlfriends' and he also has 'forgotten' his ex girlfriends address and doesn't know her surname.

I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking I should ring the police. I've no idea what to say though.

DS text to say he couldn't talk as his Dad was trying to sleep! No idea if that came from him or his Dad! All I got from my ex was a text saying 'yes'. (When I text and asked if DS was back there as the police had told me)

That sentence alone would have me reserving my fury for the ex tbh. He's the adult in all of this and deemed it unnecessary to keep the op up to date.

And yes drugs in the workplace is unacceptable - thats not necessarily the scenario here though and if the colleague who offered a place to stay is into the lifestyle then why hasn't it affected his employment? It's clearly not a policy in that case.

OP's DS is not the innocent party here - far from it, but her Ex is not making the situation any better and is actively participating in making things worse. He's 17, at that awkward stage of being not quite an independent adult but expected to behave like one. He needs clear boundaries, expectations and consequences - not a tit for tat Jeremy Kyle style home life.

And yes, not all teenagers go through the same phases, but he is going through this one and his dad is giving off the impression that this is all he is ever capable of being. None of the fathers actions read like trying to help make things better, just pure vengeance and malice.

How can they suspend him? He wasn't taking drugs in work hours or on the workplace.

Nor was he caught at work with drugs in his system.

The business owners wife allegedly found cannibis in his bedroom.

He got caught with drugs once and got let off as the police believed him.

Neither are grounds for suspension.

As for threatening to sack another employer for offering a place to stay, if that is true than its unbelievable. What kind of business runs this way and is able to offer apprenticeships?

Tinker, I agree with you about drugs in the workplace, particularly when around dangerous equipment or in potentially dangerous situations as DS is. As far as I am concerned, drugs are illegal and dangerous and therefore totally unacceptable. I do also agree that DS is lucky to have 'just' been suspended from work, but I also feel that placing a condition about where he must live to keep his job, even on these circumstances is unreasonable. I do feel this condition has probably come from his Father and his Uncles are possibly just going along with it.

The work colleague DS is friends with is not involved in drugs and exH has since discussed it with him and acknowledged he was well out of line for threatening to sack him and also said that he is a positive influence on DS. However, he still maintains DS MUST stay living with him (exH) in order to keep his job.

Not that it makes this any better, but from what I understand and from what the police/exH have said, it seems that DS is not a habitual or regular drug user, but occasionally smokes cannabis and has twice taken ecstasy.

DS is on the way back on the train and obviously I'll discuss things at length with him when he gets here.

So your ex employs Ds?

Surely he knows he can't sack him for refusing to live with him?

I was an independent adult at 17. I had a child that was nearly two and ran a home. I was fully aware of what my actions would lead to.

If dc had wanted to talk he would have, text are silent and if he wanted to speak to her he could have stood outside.

Suggesting that its not work policy to be tough on drugs is ludicrous.

I also bet that ds will be trying to sweet talk df now to let him stay that's why he doesn't want to disturb him .

DS's uncles own the company, they are technically his employers. His Father is a manager there. I have no idea whether he actually has power to sack people or has influence over his brothers to ensure someone is sacked. He seems to think so.

Tinker, DS does not want to live with his Father. He hates it there. I know this and exH knows this. He's not the 'sweet talking' kind, he sulks/becomes silent if he's in trouble.

Aren't there employment rules covering apprenticeships same as any other job? They seem far too involved in his life, and massively controlling. An employer can't tell an employee where they must live, or sack them for drugs being found outside of the workplace, or any of the other shite they are trying on.

Saying that though, maybe he's better off away from all of them. They sound like a nightmare. I'd be smoking weed if I had them all in my face the entire time. Poor kid.

Tinker, that is not the point. The point is is that the line between personal and working life has been completely blurred and this young man has had the stability pulled from under his feet and put in a position where it is impossible to salvage the situation.

The family/employer have also overstepped the mark with the employee who was threatened with the sack. This would hold no weight at all in an employment tribunal.

It is worth remembering that this lad is 17. It is a difficult age where he will be striving for independence and at the same time needing a secure base. He was offered alternative accommodation, This was put a stop to at the same time the locks were changed. It just appears that the family have decided they don't want him in the house or at work and have made it impossible for him to complete his apprenticeship.

They DO NOT have his best interests at heart, if they did they would be happy to let him stay with this colleague. If they a really concerned that this colleague is a party buddy and want to keep him away from that lifestyle, they would have found an alternative to basically kicking him out altogether.

I do think you are being a bit alarmist. A few pills and some ecstasy to not constitute addiction issues and I'm not suggesting that the family should or shouldn't sack him. I'm just saying that they have dealt with the situation extremely badly and left him no option that to leave his apprenticeship.

However, I am fully aware of the work and effort involved in supporting a 17 year old to maintain an apprenticeship if they are not fully committed to it.

I do think that people can take a few drugs and remain fully able to do a job.

DH is a healthcare professional and if his team were drrug tested there would be hardly any team left.

There is what we think is right and wrong and then there is reality and 'how things are'. I think it's probably a good idea to make that a starting point if anyone is ever going to support a teenager through difficulties. Unfortunately believe it or not they do have minds of their own and are often keenly aware of people's motives and intentions. They also have the added luxury of having few responsibilities or long term view and if they are feeling misunderstood, disrespected or angry will effectively 'do one' one way or another.

Honey dragon - the police arrested him and believed him then more was found. It's not isolated incidences.

Of course he is only ever going to admit taking drugs the two times he got caught why admit to stuff you haven't been found out on?

Most teenagers go through this phase but I don't see how blaming the df and DA for all ds problems when they didn't shove it down his thoat.

What matters now is how it's dealt with , both parents have to get on board and admit there is a drug issue and ds is bang in the middle of it. He has to accept responsibility for it.

If he has a contract for work, does it state that he must reside at his father's house? Because if not, they cannot sack him for not doing so.

And even if it does. I can't see how any company can stipulate that an employee needs to reside at a certain address for the term of their employment.

I was an independent adult at 17. I had a child that was nearly two and ran a home. I was fully aware of what my actions would lead to

And no, I do not approve of this ^^. I think it's a grim lifestyle to be honest but at the same time REALITY is lots of people do it.

I was also fully independent and running my own home at 17 Tinker so I do understand what you are saying. But perhaps like you the journey from leaving a family home and being in that position was a difficult one and not what I would have chosen for myself.

An alarmist ? Ecstasy tablets are safe then period that is the most ridiculous thing I have read on MN.

Sorry but I can not take the rest of your post serious.

period do you think I approve of it it is what it is , you dont have to tell me its grim, I was fully aware of it.

Call the police.

Tell them your ex has locked your ds out (they don't need details) and he has been told to get a train but has no money.

Think like a teenager, he's either going to try to use the train by dodging the fare - if you have spoken to the police they can alert the transport police who can call you if he is caught for fare dodging.

The other thing he may do is go to a friend's place. With a bit of luck a friend living with the kind of parent who will get him to call you.

Your ex wants a kick up the backside.

The aunt does too. It's one thing to search a teenager's room because you are worried about them and the consequences on YOU of drugs but not to get the kid fired.

The situation with his dad and the company sounds controlling and toxic. He's better off with you - is there work where you live. The poor lad needs to get his bearings back. I have a 19 year old. He is mature and sensible but he still has a lot to learn and still needs the support of his parents. I think you son needs a clean slate and a second chance to prove himself but in accordance with your rules rather than his father's.

I am very glad he's back and that he's safe.

Actually I would think lots of employers would sack someone who was found by the police in possession of drugs such as ecstasy.

An alarmist ? Ecstasy tablets are safe then period that is the most ridiculous thing I have read on MN.

Of course they are not safe. But nor is going out getting blotto on a Saturday night. Nor are a lot of things.

What I'm saying tinker, and I'm sorry if I've been a bit woolly, is that you have said that the apprenticeship 'should not be a drug rehabilitation for one 17 year old' and That strikes me ass a bit alarmist. This lad may not have an 'addiction' requiring rehabilitation and like another poster said., young people do experiment and many grow out of drug use. I personally feel a zero tolerance hard line approach is pointless. Drug education and raising awareness of risk and consequence is a better approach. IMO and IME of 17 year old drug users.

I would be asking the following if I was Mum.

1. Has he been getting up and going to work in the morning,
2. Is he managing his money i.e any debts etc?
3. Is he keeping himself clean and eating properly?
4. What kind of lifestyles do his friends have? Do they work/college etc. 5)Has he got realistic achievable goals he is working towards?
5. How is he feeling mood etc?

If he isn't managing one or two of those things it is highly likely that his living situation with his family are likely to be getting him down and playing a part in any difficulty with his day to day living.

Blimey - I think you should keep your DS1 well away from his Dad and the weird control issues he has.
I hope that he will be able to find either another apprenticeship, or be able to get into some kind of college course, even maybe an adult ed course for now, to help him get something else. But the conditions placed upon him being an apprentice in his uncle's company are far too invasive, and if he's not even happy living at his father's, then I see absolutely no reason for that to continue.

What a strange set up!

Poor lad. I hope he's not too upset - I can't get over the fact that his Dad had the locks changed on him either, how very bloody rude! :(

At least he's safe and on his way home to you now, that's the main thing.

period do you think I approve of it hmm it is what it is , you dont have to tell me its grim, I was fully aware of it

Oh god tinker I'm so sorry!! I meant to comment on what you said about my DH team at work being a grim lifestyle..

I've confused myself!!

Good debate though and I think you are right about being careful not to blame df and da. ds needs to take some responsibility.

It seems to me that midori's son is getting treated very differently to the way other apprentices will be treated - and this is wrong. I bet that no other apprentices at the firm have been told that they HAVE to live at a specific address in order to keep their apprenticeships. And unless they have been caught either with drugs at work, or under the influence of drugs at work, I would be very surprised indeed if they have been suspended for actions outside the work place.

As others have said, for this lad, the line between his private life and his work life is totally blurred - indeed, it is practically non-existant, as his family are using the apprenticeship as a way to force him to behave outside work. That is unethical, to my mind - and might even be illegal.

It would certainly have been illegal if they had sacked another employee for allowing midori's son to live with him - and the employee concerned would have had a rock-solid case for unfair dismissal.

All in all, it sounds as if he would be far, far better off living with midori and finding a new apprenticeship or training course near home. The relationship with his father and his father's family sounds toxic, and will certainly have been damaged almost beyond repair by these incidents.

I'm not sure how anyone can make a clear judgement. The father could be a complete privacy-invading, damaging and dangerous control freak driving his son to drugs or he could be a mis-represented parent doing the best he can to support his son with a job, free bed and board and boundaries and who just got to the end of his tether.

I think it's fairly obvious that most non-related employees would not be put in the position that the DS has been with regards to his apprenticeship; and that most parents would not threaten another employee with the sack for trying to be a friend to said son.

I was another who was on my own when I was younger (a lot younger than 17 actually - I was sofa surfing at 15).

My experience looking back from my thirties is that kids who sound a lot like OP's ds and had the back up (not mollycoddling - punishment but not grudges) of their families are the ones who are now more settled and successful. The one's who didn't are a mixture of success stories, scraping by and downright heartbreak.

I actually have quite a high threshold for sympathy, but honestly wouldn't wish the lack of family support on anyone, I crave it even now. There are a lot of 17 year olds who can tough it out and make the right decisions, but not all of them. I don't expect anyone to manage life in a certain way just because I have - deep down I'm envious that they're getting support I didn't but not enough to think if it's an option it should be withheld.

deep down I'm envious that they're getting support I didn't but not enough to think if it's an option it should be withheld.

Shit. That's really made me think Iamsparkly. Glad you posted it.

Reading the thread my advice would be to help your ds find a similar apprenticeship near you. He doesn't like living at his dads (who can blame him given that the locks where changed maliciously and his aunt couldn't give a monkeys). I can't see his job being made easier by having his dad as his manager either, its just another level of control.

Your ds needs to build a life initially around you so he can start to gain his independence from a secure base. That will never happen at his dads.