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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the fucking fuck I should do?

131 replies

Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 21:34

DS, 17, moved in with his Dad after he left school at 16, so he could take up an apprenticeship at his Uncles' company, where his Dad worked. Since then there have been problems with him getting on with his Dad and a couple of months ago DS was arrested after being found with ecstasy. (Three tablets, he's since been let off with a warning basically, no caution, nothing on his record, he's very lucky!) this came totally out of the blue to me, I was shocked. A few weeks later, DS's paternal Aunt, who lives with them, searched his room and found cannabis. They told their brothers/DS's work and he was suspended from work but told his job was open for the future if he got drugs counselling, lived with me in the meantime etc.

The DS my ex describes is not the young man I know. I know he's not perfect and obviously the drug thing is appalling, no excuses whatsoever for that, but he's lovely when he's here, other than occasional minor sulking and being a bit late home sometimes when he was younger.

DS and his younger brother (DS2) have been at their Dads over Christmas. Their Dad was supposed to bring them both back today. EX rang me this morning to say he'd let DS go to a party last night and he hadnt come home. He knew they were leaving to come back at 12.30 (it's approx 3 hours drive). We both tried to ring DS and text him, ex text him to say leaving at 12.30. No answer to calls or texts. In the end I told my ex to just bring DS2 back and that DS1 would just have to get the train. He's got the train lots before.

When ex got here with DS2 he said DS1 had been back to his house, spoken to his Aunt and was on his way back here. That was at 2.30. The train journey is 1 1/2 to 2 hours. He's still not home and either his mobile is switched off or his battery is dead (DS said it was low in a text to me)

I spoke to my ex an hour ago and it turns out that when DS got to the house, his Aunt was going out and wouldn't let him in. DS had a key, but my ex changed the locks before he left this morning. What the actual fuck?! So DS possibly has a dead phone, no money (he has savings but he wouldn't be able to transfer to his current account without phone/Internet and I have no idea how to get hold of him. My ex has no idea where the party was last night, except 'near his recently ex girlfriends' and he also has 'forgotten' his ex girlfriends address and doesn't know her surname.

I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking I should ring the police. I've no idea what to say though.

OP posts:
HoneyDragon · 28/12/2013 23:28

Excellent. At least you know he has good friends, and they have access to social media

Tinkertaylor1 · 28/12/2013 23:29

op I hope your ds is ok, I have an 18 dd and know how you must be feeling.

What your ex has done is extreme but I think there is some history there you must take note of. If he has been using recreational drugs, I'm sorry but he isn't your little boy any more.

Did he text you and say he was on the train?

I agree with his df, he is probably more likely with his mates at a Saturday party. He has been living with his df so he probably has a better grasp of the situation . Teenagers are a lot more self sufficient than they like to let on.

When he does surface probably tomorrow you need to put boundaries in place as what is to be expected.

I do understand what your going through, my dd and her mate decided to tell both the parents that the were staying at each others houses when infact they were staying at an all night party at 16. I knew some thing was a miss so randomly called her friends mum. Cue phone calls to the police and them searching her room for her passport at 1 o clock in e morning. It made me ill!
I found her though messaging her friends on Facebook .

Good luck

NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 23:35

Am going to bed but thinking of you OP.

TeaAndSconesTwice · 28/12/2013 23:42

Hope you get some news soon op.

Your ex sounds like a knob Confused

JumpingJackSprat · 28/12/2013 23:52

Sounds like the ex is at the end of his tether. I hope your son shows up soon but I think someone needs to give him a shock to make him realise he is on a dangerous path with the drug taking.

Original poster
Midori1999 · 29/12/2013 00:14

Thanks. The police have been both here and at his Dads. They are looking for him in his Dads area and keeping an eye out up here.

I hope he's ok, it's impossible not to worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Midori1999 · 29/12/2013 00:20

Tinkertaylor, I can see what you're saying about the history etc. I think the problem is his Dad expected an adult to move in, but at 16 DS was still very much an 'annoying' teenager. As in needed to be nagged a bit to tidy his laundry up, do the dishes etc His Dad is in a lot of pain with his back and it makes him a bit irritable, so he probably found things more irritating than someone else would. Plus, DS had gone from living in a fairly strict household with clear boundaries and responsibilities (we're a large family, everyone has to much in here!) to suddenly being allowed to go out until all hours, allowed out drinking etc. I think it's been difficult for both DS and exH tbh.

OP posts:
FortyMerryFuckers · 29/12/2013 00:36

Hope he's home soon op

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 00:37

Strictly 17 isn't a minor but I'm glad the police are taking seriously the fact that he's not where he's meant to be. The aunt sounds charming, did she bother to check he had the train fare before refusing access. I hope you get good news soon. Mine is 23 and lives away from home and I still panic when I can't get through to him on his phone.

TiaMariaandSpringCleaning · 29/12/2013 00:38

Thinking of you OP, hope DS is home soon

WaitMonkey · 29/12/2013 08:16

Any news ?

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 08:50

Morning midd hope all is well and he turned up otherwise I bet you didn't get a wink of sleep.

Honestly what these kids put us parents through is shocking ! Thankfully I only had 6 months of mild rebellion to deal with but that was worse enough!

HoneyDragon · 29/12/2013 08:56

Morning Mid.

Hope he's returned x

Original poster
Midori1999 · 29/12/2013 09:06

Thanks. He got back to his Dads about 3am apparently. The police rang to confirm. Tbh, after the lock changing I'm a little worried if he's really safe there. I've text/tried to phone DS and his father. I have no idea what's been going on. DS text to say he couldn't talk as his Dad was trying to sleep! No idea if that came from him or his Dad! All I got from my ex was a text saying 'yes'. (When I text and asked if DS was back there as the police had told me)

Still can't get hold of either of then and have been up with te baby several times in the night since I got to bed at 3.30 so I'm exhausted! Although ill be able to get some sleep when DH gets back from his run.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/12/2013 09:09

Glad to hear that he's back in contact with you all.

tinypumpkin · 29/12/2013 09:10

So glad your DS is home. I hope you can get some sleep and some answers today. It must have been such a difficult night for you.

tinypumpkin · 29/12/2013 09:11

Sorry, meant to be Thanks

Iamsparklyknickers · 29/12/2013 09:11

Does your DS know you've transferred money into his account? He might be thinking he has to wait for his father to have any chance of getting home.

Iamsparklyknickers · 29/12/2013 09:12

Almost forgot - glad he's turned up and you know he's safe.

Coconutty · 29/12/2013 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minouminou · 29/12/2013 09:16

So glad he's ok.
I should imagine he'll be back with you soon.

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2013 09:18

Glad he's safe. Smile

There's no way I'd be letting him go back to stay with his dad in the near future.

Original poster
Midori1999 · 29/12/2013 09:24

Thankyou to all of you. I'm quite tearful. Apparently DS is in the shower but he still hasn't read his texts/text me back, so presumably his phone is off. ExH is being a bit obstructive and not really saying what happened, except that he went to bed when DS turned up before the police even got there and that DS had been drunk. FFS! Who would just go to bed like that?!

Obviously DS won't be able to go back and live there, which I'm devastated about because he had a really good opportunity with his apprenticeship and he'll have to give that up too. Also, exH has been persuading DS2 to go and work for his Uncles' company when he is 16 too, but clearly I won't be able to allow that either.

I'm furious with DS but I am more furious with exH, what on earth is wrong with him?!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/12/2013 09:30

Could it be that his father is just at the end of his tether with the drinking and drug-taking?

diddl · 29/12/2013 09:41

What a horrible situation.

Why were the locks changed?

Although I'd be pissed off at my son for not being back when he knew we were going somewhere.

So you've still no idea where he went when he was supposedly on his way to the train?

He does sound way out of control tbh.

Is he like that since living with you?

Does he even want to visit his Dad?

I guess as he's lived there a while he must have friends there.

Does he still have friends where you are?

He probably feels as if he doesn't belong anywhere!