To wonder what the fucking fuck I should do?

[Midori1999]

DS, 17, moved in with his Dad after he left school at 16, so he could take up an apprenticeship at his Uncles' company, where his Dad worked. Since then there have been problems with him getting on with his Dad and a couple of months ago DS was arrested after being found with ecstasy. (Three tablets, he's since been let off with a warning basically, no caution, nothing on his record, he's very lucky!) this came totally out of the blue to me, I was shocked. A few weeks later, DS's paternal Aunt, who lives with them, searched his room and found cannabis. They told their brothers/DS's work and he was suspended from work but told his job was open for the future if he got drugs counselling, lived with me in the meantime etc.

The DS my ex describes is not the young man I know. I know he's not perfect and obviously the drug thing is appalling, no excuses whatsoever for that, but he's lovely when he's here, other than occasional minor sulking and being a bit late home sometimes when he was younger.

DS and his younger brother (DS2) have been at their Dads over Christmas. Their Dad was supposed to bring them both back today. EX rang me this morning to say he'd let DS go to a party last night and he hadnt come home. He knew they were leaving to come back at 12.30 (it's approx 3 hours drive). We both tried to ring DS and text him, ex text him to say leaving at 12.30. No answer to calls or texts. In the end I told my ex to just bring DS2 back and that DS1 would just have to get the train. He's got the train lots before.

When ex got here with DS2 he said DS1 had been back to his house, spoken to his Aunt and was on his way back here. That was at 2.30. The train journey is 1 1/2 to 2 hours. He's still not home and either his mobile is switched off or his battery is dead (DS said it was low in a text to me)

I spoke to my ex an hour ago and it turns out that when DS got to the house, his Aunt was going out and wouldn't let him in. DS had a key, but my ex changed the locks before he left this morning. What the actual fuck?! So DS possibly has a dead phone, no money (he has savings but he wouldn't be able to transfer to his current account without phone/Internet and I have no idea how to get hold of him. My ex has no idea where the party was last night, except 'near his recently ex girlfriends' and he also has 'forgotten' his ex girlfriends address and doesn't know her surname.

I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking I should ring the police. I've no idea what to say though.

There's other options for your DS, go to your local college with him and have a good look through his options and a chat with their staff.

Pure speculation and perhaps a bit of projection, but I think your ex just isn't a very nice person and clearly can't cope with anyone who doesn't tow his line.

Your DS is certainly no angel, but the drinking and drugs aren't outside the realms of things that normal teenagers do and can be dealt with at an early stage without resorting to kicking people out and treating them like scum.

The fact your ex can't see that hostility at home will make things worse is worrying. I can sympathise with it not being easy, but parenting doesn't stop when they get their GCSE's. The fact your ds doesn't behave that way with you is very telling and that he was turning up for his apprenticeship placement imho. It's not really the actions of someone past the point of anything but professional help.

Changing the locks and contacting people to not help him comes across as malicious and incredibly unhelpful. I actually don't think there's much your ds could do right now that would please his father.

While ex has clearly dealt with this very badly I do have some sympathy with him. I doubt I could cope with a drinking/drug taking 17 year old very well. You seem to minimising your son's behaviour. He isn't a nice, well behaved boy. He's lost an apprenticeship because of drug taking, he's been arrested and frankly sounds like a nightmare to live with.

You all need to get together and have a frank conversation about how best to help him.

But he lost his placement because of his dad.

I'm certainly not defending the drinking/drugs, but it does seem a malicious act for his father to go out of his way to lose him his placement if he was turning up and working hard.

Granted the dad might be at the end of his (very short) tether, but I can certainly see how a 17 year old may feel completely abandoned, betrayed and unhappy which isn't usually the best motivator for knocking the drinking and drug use on the head.

I'm getting the impression the dad has his son firmly pigeonholed as trouble and there wouldn't be a fat lot the son can do to change that - 17 year old logic follows that why should he bother?

I agree with speak to the college before he gives up his apprenticeship - there might be a way he can get accommodation in the area through them.

I'm with those who say a small amount of ecstasy and some weed from a teenager does not necessarily equal drug problem, for me it was the kind of thing I and out friends experimented with but rapidly grew out of and wouldn't do again.

DS is on his way back to the station now. He says he wasn't drunk last night. ExH says he was. Obviously I will speak to DS in more detail when he gets home. ExH is being obstructive and making it all about him. (How do I think he felt/feels etc. he's apparently annoyed that I'm angry with his sister. However, DS says (obviously I only have his word for it but what his father has said seems to back it up) that when he got back to his Dads he tried the key first, couldn't get in so rang the bell and his Aunt refused to let him in even when he asked if he could just come in to charge his phone. Apparently she told him to charge it on the train.

The other problem is, although I understand my exH being annoyed, he keeps changing his story with regard to DS's behaviour. It's gone from has previously been late back without ringing, to having stayed out all night once before to now seemingly apparently doing that all the time. It's news to me.

DS no longer has friends here. We're a forces family so his friends have all moved away since he lived here. All his friends are near his Dad and also in Northern Ireland where we lived before.

Have you been given any reason as to exactly why the locks were changed and he wasn't allowed in the house? Were they afraid he'd be violent or steal or was it just because they were pissed off at him? The latter isn't a good enough reason imo.

Like you say, you're only hearing of evidence that he's a bad'un when it suits your ex's argument. For that reason alone I would be suspicious of anything I was told as brand new information - if things are that bad why is this the first your hearing of it?

I honestly thought that your DS would've returned to his friends and got drunk- exactly what I would have done in his shoes at 17 and effectively being chucked out of home with no money. Which is why it's counter productive and making sure he got the train home back to you would have been the sensible option to keep him out of trouble.

Glad he’s safe.

He's had his apprenticeship suspended because it's all part of a family set up and one family member has tipped off another family member. Not a normal situation for an apprentice.

TBH this whole set up sounds like while it could have been good, actually it's horribly claustrophobic, who he works for, who he lives with, whose rules he follows when, and lots of blurred lines. It doesn't sound like it's working out the way it was intended so maybe not the end of the world to let it go if something else could be found?

Re his dad, from what I’ve seen, there’s a lot of men who expect their teenage sons to be a certain way, with a disregard to the mixed messages school, society, and tbh often mum, have been giving them.

They want and expect them grown up at x years and ‘fitted into place in the male world’ as they were. (or believe they were) Concepts of communication are often a mystery to them and negotiation isn’t in their skill set, and they believe it their right to be simply obeyed and respected as the adult male.

Paid, settled, sorted, and without argument and to follow the pattern of their forefathers, equals success to them. They try to use revenge, threats etc to keep order and can’t understand why they’re not getting respect for it.
It doesn’t actually make them bad, (though their actions may be) just unimaginative and helplessly out of touch in the face of what may be needed.

His uncles, who own the company, are saying they won't allow him to continue his apprenticeship if he isn't living at his Dads and isn't living with me until he goes back there. A situation I'm not happy with, but feel there's not much I can do about that. DS loves his job and has stated he wishes to live elsewhere nearby, exH won't allow it. The engineer DS has worked closely with during his apprenticeship is very friendly with DS as he's fairly young himself. He offered DS somewhere to stay while he sorted himself out. ExH immediately rang to threaten to sack this person when he found out he'd offered DS his help.

I'm not making excuses for DS, I realise he's in the wrong here, but the thing is, he's not a nightmare to live with when he's here. He helps around the house, often without being asked, he babysits any time I ask him and is excellent with his younger siblings, including his brother who has Downs Syndrome. He'll pop to the shops for me etc. he's the exact opposite when he's here to how his Dad describes him.

An example of the differences for example would be that his Dad says he smokes and that he has refused to give up. However, DS doesn't smoke at all when he's here (neither DH or I smoke and can smell it on DSS's clothes etc if he visits, so we would notice). DS understands how I feel about smoking around the younger children/baby and cot death etc and has absolutely promised he won't do it. I believe him, we already lost twin girls and he knows why I feel so strongly. (The girls were very premature, we didn't lose them through SIDS)

I wrote my post before seeing your last one. TBH I'd just be getting him out of there and cutting losses.

In which case it sounds as though your DS needs to get as far away from his father as possible and as close to you as he can. It's not a great time for job hunting but can he get an apprenticeship near you? Could you ask the engineer he was working with to provide a reference so he isn't relying on his dickish family? Can the college help to arrange a transfer?

I really wouldn't like to live with a drug-taking teenager but he clearly needs support rather than being treated like crap.

From what I can gather, the drugs are something fairly new. Certainly exH didn't know about it until DS got arrested and that was apparently the second time he'd had them. The police seemed to believe him and that he was very sorry. I don't really know what to believe tbh. ExH says DS is a 'born liar' and a 'disgrace' but I just don't think DS can do any right in his eyes any more.

Justgettingonwithits post is brilliant and probably hits the nail on the head (does for me anyway).

I think your ex has far to much power over your DS's life tbh, if he was on a placement in a company off his own back or at college do you think he would have been suspended or kicked out, or more likely do you think they would have been none the wiser and ds would have had the opportunity to keep that bit of his life separate and work on pulling his socks up? At least he could have took up the colleagues offer of help.

On top of that he relies on him for shelter from two people who openly don't approve of him which apparently gets withdrawn on a whim if he steps out of line.

I'm not minimising the fact that drink/drugs at 17 is a cause for concern, but it certainly doesn't make him a write off - so many people go through this stage and come out the other end wiser but fine that contributing to the stereotypical 'failed' story by deliberately making things harder than they need to be seems counter productive to me.

Clearly your ds enjoys some aspects of where he's living and the job he's doing, but the environment that surrounds that is destructive and toxic. Taking up an opportunity elsewhere isn't a life-long decision, things change. There's no reason he can't go back to the area/company after completing his training elsewhere. At the very least he'll be older and able to afford to set-up home without relying on his dad.

It does sound as if he nneds to get away.

They would sack another worker for letting your son lodge with them??

They really are determined to control, aren't they?

His aunt invaded his privacy and then told his company she had found a bit of cannabis, at which point they suspended his apprenticeship

Do they not realise how entirely unreasonable that is? Now if he was turning up stoned / not turning up because of a party lifestyle I would get it, but seriously they suspended him because his aunt didn't like what she found when she searched his bedroom?

Sounds like a lot of stick and not very much carrot being applied.

Op son lost his apprentiship not his df. If he is taking drugs it's not safe OR fair to other colleagues for him to be in a work environment. It's grounds for instant dismissal at any work place.

I know this due to my boss dd regularly on a come down or stoned. She over looked it and it was dammed dangerous.

Has anybody been around some one who is coming down of pills ? And I bet it's just not pills either. Uppers - cocaine, pills, ket ect come hand in hand and smoking the weed helps come own of it. It's horrible.

Taking drugs leads to mood swings and selfishness , I know he is your lovely son op but I bet he is not like that ith his father.

Your son does need to return home but op please don't be so foolish as to blame his df over this. He is probably fed up with his behaviour and attitude. Don't forget he sodded off all day yesterday while very one one ringing around looking for him and he didn't give a jot. He chose to be selfish.

The fact that he is dabbling in drugs doesn't make him a right of no, BUT it doesn't mean he has to be moddy coddled either as his mean old df changed the locks!

He has taken the piss and both patents need to get this sorted, moved away from his 'friends'

Taking drugs is serious .

It's a family run business obviously they are going to talk ! He is damned lucky he only got suspended !

The best approach to support someone who has started taking drugs is to suspend them from their job (removing stability) then throw them out of home (removing more stability) then try and ensure that they can't get help from a friend? Really?

OP, the apprenticeship is a poisoned chalice. DS will be much better off with you, where he can start again. He won't be taking drugs on his own, so if he's back with you he'll be disconnected from that group anyway. Put your efforts into supporting him and helping him to find a job.

Don't forget he sodded off all day yesterday while very one one ringing around looking for him and he didn't give a jot. He chose to be selfish
Alternatively, he disappeared, distressed and worried, knowing that he was uncontactable after the locks had (really, quite unreasonably) been changed.

In this climate there are kids that would give there back teeth for a sniff at an apprenticeship. So yes if you take the piss and take drugs - and this wouldn't have been an isolated incident then yes - he deserves the harsh approach.

He isn't ten he is 17.

Poisoned chalice? Mental .

And I wouldn't be feeling worried now op, I'd be furious that not one of them has even bothered to actually have a phone call to explain the situation.

That's how much ds actually gives a shit!!

Op son lost his apprenticeship not his df. If he is taking drugs it's not safe OR fair to other colleagues for him to be in a work environment. It's grounds for instant dismissal at any work place

Yes, but tinker, to play devils advocate, what has actually happened is that his partying, has impacted on his work, not because of what he has been doing AT WORK but because his family are sharing information about his personal life. I may be being a bit of a positivist but there are tons of teenagers (and adults) who take drugs on there days off and go into work and get the job done.

If he had performance issues then they should be dealt with separately and his drug use could be addressed this way. This isn't what has happened.

His attempts to put things right and get back on track have been basically sabotaged as his Dad has said that the person willing to help him will be sacked if he puts him up.

He can't win poor kid.

What I'd suggest OP is that once he is settled back at home, contact the college that is providing his qualifications and explain to them what has happened. If he is up to date with his work then it could be possible for him to find another way to finish the qualification. It might be that he has to accept a bad training wage or do something college based to finish it but the good thing is its a new term starting in Jan so it will be easier for local colleges to accommodate him. The drugs counselling would be a positive step as this will demonstrate he is taking steps to address his lifestyle.

If you need any advice, this is my area so please feel free to ask.

I agree with everyone who says forget about the apprenticeship. Get your son back to your house where you can support him totally.

His father has treated him shockingly.

How do you know the young engineer who was going to put him up isn't one of his party buddies? That's why it was vetoed.

We have random drug tests out our place of work, if your found to have it in your system your gone.

I suspect being an engineer and being round heavy dangerous equipment is a bloody dangerous place when some one is on/ coming down from drugs. If you are not responsible enough to stay clear of drugs when working in a dangerous environment I'm not surprised he has been suspended.

What would you say if there was a serious accident and some one got seriously hurt... " oh but you see dc is on 17, can't do right for wrong "

His work place were right what they did . They have to look after the needs of all there staff. Not turn in to a drug rehabilitation centre for one 17 year old.

People aren't saying the uncles are wrong to suspend him, just that it is a situation few apprentices actually face, and this situation isn't going to work out.