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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder what the fucking fuck I should do?

131 replies

Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 21:34

DS, 17, moved in with his Dad after he left school at 16, so he could take up an apprenticeship at his Uncles' company, where his Dad worked. Since then there have been problems with him getting on with his Dad and a couple of months ago DS was arrested after being found with ecstasy. (Three tablets, he's since been let off with a warning basically, no caution, nothing on his record, he's very lucky!) this came totally out of the blue to me, I was shocked. A few weeks later, DS's paternal Aunt, who lives with them, searched his room and found cannabis. They told their brothers/DS's work and he was suspended from work but told his job was open for the future if he got drugs counselling, lived with me in the meantime etc.

The DS my ex describes is not the young man I know. I know he's not perfect and obviously the drug thing is appalling, no excuses whatsoever for that, but he's lovely when he's here, other than occasional minor sulking and being a bit late home sometimes when he was younger.

DS and his younger brother (DS2) have been at their Dads over Christmas. Their Dad was supposed to bring them both back today. EX rang me this morning to say he'd let DS go to a party last night and he hadnt come home. He knew they were leaving to come back at 12.30 (it's approx 3 hours drive). We both tried to ring DS and text him, ex text him to say leaving at 12.30. No answer to calls or texts. In the end I told my ex to just bring DS2 back and that DS1 would just have to get the train. He's got the train lots before.

When ex got here with DS2 he said DS1 had been back to his house, spoken to his Aunt and was on his way back here. That was at 2.30. The train journey is 1 1/2 to 2 hours. He's still not home and either his mobile is switched off or his battery is dead (DS said it was low in a text to me)

I spoke to my ex an hour ago and it turns out that when DS got to the house, his Aunt was going out and wouldn't let him in. DS had a key, but my ex changed the locks before he left this morning. What the actual fuck?! So DS possibly has a dead phone, no money (he has savings but he wouldn't be able to transfer to his current account without phone/Internet and I have no idea how to get hold of him. My ex has no idea where the party was last night, except 'near his recently ex girlfriends' and he also has 'forgotten' his ex girlfriends address and doesn't know her surname.

I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking I should ring the police. I've no idea what to say though.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 28/12/2013 22:32

I second the ideas about FB-get a status up and/or message round his friends. You must be distraught, poor you...I hope he comes home soon. I'm sure he's just gone to a friends -could he be upset over the lock change and be deliberately staying out of the way? It sounds like he has been a bit mixed up lately? Fingers crossed for you x

Original poster
Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 22:40

Thanks. I've spoken to the police. I'm concerned that if he is upset then DS could be a risk to himself even if at a friends, particularly with the past drug use. They've taken as many details as I could give them and will speak to his father.

I've also spoken to my ex who seems to think DS is taking the piss and will be at a friends house. It's just not like him to turn his phone off and he knows I was worried about him when he last text me. (DS I mean) my ex also keeps saying DS isn't a minor. I've told him that at 17, yes, he is a minor, hence the police are concerned.

He probably is at a friends, but I'm so worried.

OP posts:
minouminou · 28/12/2013 22:41

Have you put up an FB or Twitter status?

Original poster
Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 22:44

I can't get on his Facebook and if I post on mine no one he knows will see it. I don't know how twitter works.

His closest friend hasn't spoken to him since Tuesday. That's all I know really. He's going to try and contact him.

OP posts:
minouminou · 28/12/2013 22:46

There's no mutual friends? I'd give it a go, as one if your friends might be a second or third degree contact of one of his friends.

Hope he's OK. Your bloody silly ex is in for a shock when the police come knocking.

helenthemadex · 28/12/2013 22:51

I would be worried as well, if he is on facebook you can post a message to his wall which all his friends will see if you tag him in it, Hope he turns up soon

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 22:52

The most likely scenario is that he's gone to a friends house upset and pissed off at his Dad and Aunt - please try not to worry too much about other scenarios unless you have good reason to - for your own sake.

Fingers crossed that your sons friend/police have some luck tracking him down and gets back to you with some info soon.

(P.S Your Ex and his sister are twats and I hope which ever police officer speaks to them makes them feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves)

ChestyNutRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 28/12/2013 22:55

Hope he contacts you soon Thanks

Vivacia · 28/12/2013 22:56

I agree about posting on his Facebook, or messaging one of his closest friends to do so for you.

I didn't think this was a police matter, but can see that you fear he's a suicide risk. I'm so sorry. I hope everything sorts itself out by tomorrow morning.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 28/12/2013 22:57

Your ex is a dick, hope ds is ok

NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 23:01

Offers hand. Mine went under the radar once. Presumably he'll be living with you from now on. Have your ex and his sister done a round of pubs/clubs where they live - that's what they ought to be doing.

RubyGoat · 28/12/2013 23:04

Wow your ex really is an utter knob. Hope your DS is ok & just lost track of time at a friends house or something.

Lj8893 · 28/12/2013 23:05

I second the advice of posting a message on his wall asking if anyone knows of his whereabouts.

Hope he turns up soon. Thanks

Original poster
Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 23:07

Ex has spoken to the police his end and is expecting them out within the hour. He just doesn't think he's done anything wrong at all. Apparently DS has stayed out all night before (news to me!) and ex is fed up with him. DS is a disgrace apparently. Ex and his sister have done nothing wrong in his eyes.

DS will be living here from now on, but that means he'll have to give up his apprenticeship, so goodness knows what he'll do.

OP posts:
Xoticdreamz · 28/12/2013 23:07

Is ds2 on Facebook ? If he or you tags your son in a status then folk will see it . I hope he gets in touch soon.

chocolatespiders · 28/12/2013 23:08

Oh my- Can you put money into his bank?

NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 23:10

Can you get to where ex is leaving your dp to keep the home fires burning.

HoneyDragon · 28/12/2013 23:11

Just get him home. If this behaviour is out of character than I think his Dad and Aunt need to accept its a reaction to them.

What is disgraceful is locking your child out their home.

TheNightIsDark · 28/12/2013 23:14

What an utter cunt his dad is Angry

I hope you find him soon OP. Are there any college/apprenticeship courses local to you?

It seems like a huge overreaction for a few pills and some weed. I'm not minimising drug use but he's 17, moved home etc you would have thought his dad might understand a bit.

totallyaimless · 28/12/2013 23:17

Agree with the FB status if your DS2 can help?

Hope he is in touch soonest xxx

PeriodFeatures · 28/12/2013 23:19

I would probably guess that the changed locks have been a perfect excuse to go off in a huff party

I'm sure he knows exactly where the ex girlfriend lives and what her surname is, he just doesn't want the 'olds' tracking him down there or knowing too much about what he's up to.

My advice would be to sit it out until tomorrow morning. He'll come back when he's hungry/tired/bored/wants his Mum.

He's not vulnerable (SN etc) I'm assuming. The police will do very little other than look out for him. If he's hanging around somewhere with other young people, if he is seen and the police are involved, they'll approach him and tell him his parents are worried. He will be furious!!

I can honestly say that as much as it probably wrenches you, taking a zero tolerance hard line on drugs with a 17 year old whose lifestyle is a bit drug orientated is going to be counter productive and conflict fueling.

Drugs counseling will provide your DS with knowledge about the risks and consequences and help him to examine his reasons for drug use. The intention will be harm reduction, that's all. Perhaps you could explain that to him and approach it in a 'meeting in the middle' kind of way.

It must be horrible but as he is 17, there isn't a lot of authority anyone has anymore.

Was he enjoying his work and going to work regularly?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2013 23:22

I hope you get some news soon. I am shocked that his dad is so blasé about this.

I would say try not to worry too much, but I know that is impossible.

HappySunflower · 28/12/2013 23:23

Hope he is soon found safely, what a worry for you.

Original poster
Midori1999 · 28/12/2013 23:23

DS2 only turned 13 this month, so isn't on Facebook yet. DS 1's friend I've been in contact with is trying to contact him. Putting money into DS's account is a good idea. I'll do that now.

I think the problems are partially related to my ex and his sister. DS has told me he can't relax there, that ex flies off the handle at the slightest thing, which ex denies, but the behaviour I've seen backs up what DS says tbh. When DS said he was going to stay with his friend who works for the same company, ex immediately phoned the colleague and threatened to sack him of he 'helped' DS. Confused

OP posts:
totallyaimless · 28/12/2013 23:26

:( that's all sounding horrid. Get your boy back and work out how he can work near to you, then you cn tackle the lifestyle choices on a settled playing field, not when he is mad and making emotional choices.