Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a 'presents for the kids only' Christmas.

95 replies

GertyD · 28/12/2013 18:44

Hi there, I would appreciate some advice as I think this was now a mistake.

This year, my family made the decision that presents would only be be bought for the kids this Christmas. Anyone under 18 essentially. This meant that I bought for my kids, and nieces and nephews only. Not my siblings, partner, parents or grandparents. No adults got presents.

My DH went to his side and told them what we were doing on my side and suggested that they don't buy us anything, and we wouldn't them, but we should all go for a posh meal in the new year instead and spend the money having a good time. His parents were not impressed but agreed.

On Christmas Day his mom took me into another room and told me his 28 year old sister was soooo hurt that we didn't buy her a present. She doesn't have a kid so as she bought one for our DS we should have bought one for her.

I was pretty shocked and felt she was being childish. In my family, we have varying levels of financial resources so gift giving has never been a big thing. Basically, I have money to buy gifts but very few of my family do as well.

I dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
GertyD · 28/12/2013 18:47

I should say, I was happy to get my partners side presents but my partner wanted to do this too.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 18:48

This isn't going to work in reality because people who don't have children in your family, for whatever reason, will possibly feel hurt and will reciprocate in kind.

Many people feel that Christmas is not just for children and you can't really insist that people buy for children if adults are disregarded.

Why not do a 'secret santa' thing or set a budget; each family spends x-amount? I wouldn't dismiss adults from gift-giving, I really wouldn't. Spend less across the board, yes - give nothing, no.

LindyHemming · 28/12/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuckworthLewis · 28/12/2013 18:51

Hmmm, I see both sides of this tbh, we are child free (by choice) and buy for all my many Dneices and Dnephews.

Although there is an 'only buying for DC's' rule in force, in practice, most of the parents do buy DH and me a token gift to reflect the unfairness that your DH's Dsis has observed.

We appreciate this, and might feel slightly miffed if it wasn't this way, but would we be 'very upset'? No. Would we make a fuss about it? Not a chance.

FeastOfPhteven · 28/12/2013 18:53

Who you buy presents for is completely up to you. People shouldn't give to receive either.

We stop buying for adults once they have children and just buy for the children. Still buy for the adults if they are child free.

Kahlua4me · 28/12/2013 18:53

We do kids only with dh's family as there are lots of kids and everyone has them IYSWIM. Although we all buy for dh's dad.

However on my side we do a secret santa as db and his wife cannot have children. They buy for my dc too and that's not part of the secret Santa. I wouldn't be happy not doing presents for them as would seem unfair somehow so can see what your dmil means although they didn't explain it well. secret Santa works well and we all love doing it, and saves money too!

notanotherusername1 · 28/12/2013 18:55

It really should be agreed with everyone before hand. Everyone in my family were keen so not sure what we would have done if anyone was unhappy over it. We started with the SS for a number of years then dropped it altogether.

We make an extra fuss with birthdays now.

Don't understand why an adult of 28 years of age can get upset over something like this.

Are you sticking to it next year?

tobiasfunke · 28/12/2013 18:59

YABU. However if she didn't buy the kids anything then that was fine. If a childless friend or couple buy for the children I have always bought them something - usually a bottle. We were childless for a long number of years and I did get a bit pissed off when my dsis announced that now she had kids we were to buy for her children but the grown ups weren't to get anything. I know a couple who had about 18 neices and nephews and they had no kids- they stopped buying for all of them as they were shelling out a fortune and didn't get a single token gift in return. I'm not sure how people with kids get to lay down all the rules.

Blu · 28/12/2013 19:00

a) your MIL should have addressed it with your DH, not you - or better still refused to have been the messenger for round-robin family moaning, or else not interfered - if your SIL wanted to out herself as a petulant immature brat, she should have done it herself, not gossiped behind someone else's back. Or in the first place said 'ooh, no, I love giving and receiving presents, so lets carry on, please!'.
b) In our family Dnephews and Neices do give a gift to of child-free adults, which makes it fair - but no-one would have a tantrum if they gave presents to children and didn't receive any back, after all, they are not getting any less presents than any other adults, and enjoy giving a small, modest, gift to DNs and DNs just as parents like to give gifts to their children.
c) do adults really want loads of presents form extended family members, endless toiletries and chutney and chocs? etc?

WooWooOwl · 28/12/2013 19:00

I think it's fine for you decide to not do presents, but enforcing a 'presents for children only' rule is unfair on other childless family members.

I think in the situation with your inlaws, you should have asked that your child not be given any presents. Then if the grandparents wanted to then it's up to them, and no one else would end up feeling hurt in the process.

It's only a fair way to do it if all of the adults involved have children, and all of them agree to it.

babybelle11 · 28/12/2013 19:01

I think yabu. It is fine to agree not to do presents between adults. I told my sis not to buy for me and dh for example but I would still buy for her as she has no children.

Sadoldbag · 28/12/2013 19:04

That's what we do the only adults I buy for is husband and best mate

When ds is older he will get until he has his children then it will be just them

Other wise you could go on forever

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 19:06

yy to getting agreement beforehand. A little tact and diplomacy goes a very long way and prevents bad feelings before they even arise.

HOMEQCRICH · 28/12/2013 19:08

Dont like it being decided that I am no longer worthy of a gift. Fine if you can't but I would rather have a discussion than have the ' we've decided'

HOMEQCRICH · 28/12/2013 19:08

Ok I fucked up my posts x

Johnnyrotten123 · 28/12/2013 19:08

Your SIL needs to grow up, and fast.

GuffSmuggler · 28/12/2013 19:10

Wow, we started this this year and it was fantastic, it didn't occur to me that the child-free adults might get upset at not being treated like the children. It's not about tallying up a bill and everyone's spend must equal out.

We were all getting fed up of exchanging pointless vouchers and unwanted presents so agreed in advance, it was so liberating not having the pressure of not knowing what to buy the adults.

We didn't buy childless BIL a present and he bought our son, but we do loads for him during the year that his doesn't reciprocate (hosting family meals etc.) and that doesn't offend us either. We are all mature about the fact family give and take in various ways throughout the year.

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 19:10

You are a voice of sanity.Have you seen the "my sil gave me biscuits " thread?

Your mil and his sister are grabby and greedy. Ig
nore them. Have this bunch of flowersThanks

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 19:12

Oh and please don't do a secret Santa. Utter waste of money, they inevitably produce rubbish presents for all concerned.

Coconutty · 28/12/2013 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 19:14

Guff... that's what it's about though, give and take. Some people do not give and take, they just take and have expectations by dint of having children. That's not fair. Everybody should have consideration for everybody else and it looks as if you've struck the balance and everybody's happy.

I think this is really about the 'grabby' who feel entitled because they have children dontcha know...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 19:14

How about nobody buys for children or adults? It's the parents' job. Will that work?

AnnabelleLee · 28/12/2013 19:17

Why would secret santa produce rubbish presents? You can buy people whatever you want, you just need to buy one instead of lots. What an odd comment.

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 28/12/2013 19:18

Tbh I don't care who you are if I've spent best part of forty quid buying your children gifts I think it's very unpleasant for a token return gift not to be given.

Eg my aunt bought my dds gifts. Spent probs same. I gave her a bottle cava and her dh a bottle of wine. Tesco, was a fiver a bottle. Wasn't hard and hasn't broken the bank. Has bought me smiles love and good feelings for 2014.

You have a years warning of this. Maybe discuss now for next year...?

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 19:21

I buy fairly lavish presents for the daughter/niece of friends as I like them and when my son was small I got lovely presents from them. I also buy fairly lavish presents for a colleague's daughter both at Christmas and randomly through the year if I see something nice as he is a brilliant help to me at work and I like buying nice girly things.

I neither receive nor expect anything other than a thank you card.