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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a 'presents for the kids only' Christmas.

95 replies

GertyD · 28/12/2013 18:44

Hi there, I would appreciate some advice as I think this was now a mistake.

This year, my family made the decision that presents would only be be bought for the kids this Christmas. Anyone under 18 essentially. This meant that I bought for my kids, and nieces and nephews only. Not my siblings, partner, parents or grandparents. No adults got presents.

My DH went to his side and told them what we were doing on my side and suggested that they don't buy us anything, and we wouldn't them, but we should all go for a posh meal in the new year instead and spend the money having a good time. His parents were not impressed but agreed.

On Christmas Day his mom took me into another room and told me his 28 year old sister was soooo hurt that we didn't buy her a present. She doesn't have a kid so as she bought one for our DS we should have bought one for her.

I was pretty shocked and felt she was being childish. In my family, we have varying levels of financial resources so gift giving has never been a big thing. Basically, I have money to buy gifts but very few of my family do as well.

I dunno.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 19:22

I can see how it might seem a bit unfair/hurtful to unilaterally call "no adult presents" if it some people are childless. Especially if they are also single.

Are you sure she was so mortally hurt though, and it wasn't also his parents reflecting their opinion.

Also it is going to be seen as your instigation as it's modelled on what your family do.

Do you and your DH give each other gifts, incidentally?

Caitlin17 · 28/12/2013 19:24

Secret Santa's = random selection of chocolate and packaged bath sets of stuff I don't use. I really would prefer someone donated the money to charity.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 19:26

Also in this case it's not "endless chutney from extended family", by the sounds of it.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2013 19:29

Personally I'd prefer more presents for me and fewer for the dcs, who get a ridiculous amount as it is! And ones from people who don't see them very much can easily be age inappropriate/not "right" for dcs. Whereas most adults wash, eat chocolate, drink wine (or can pass it on!)

DisappointedHorse · 28/12/2013 19:32

We do this on both sides of the family. We now have so many neices and nephews it was getting impossible. Everyone is fine with it, and I suspect a little relieved.

BIL and SIL were reluctant at first and fought it but after a couple of years of not getting anything back, they've gone with the flow! They are a little removed from reality though and don't get the concept of not having much money.

DisappointedHorse · 28/12/2013 19:33

*Nieces!

Andanotherthing123 · 28/12/2013 19:34

We give presents for kids but not their parents for both mine and DH's family - however, the rule is that anyone without young kids (under 18) gets a present, otherwise it feels a bit soulless for them to only give but not receive.

DB and SIL just celebrated their 1st Christmas as parents and it was a relief not to have to search endlessly for a present they like. Much easier to buy for kids IMO.

My issue with Christmas still, is the sheer number of presents my kids get from family members. They get overwhelmed by them and I have to find storage space. My autistic 4 year old is playing with a large cardboard box and a bag as I write this while his lovely presents remain untouched. But that's another topic...

canyou · 28/12/2013 19:35

We have between 4 siblings with 12 DC between 3 of us so we have always allocated an amount of up to â?¬30 per child and we each buy for three DC the gift is fromm all their aunts and uncles Each DC gets a good present, which works out cheaper ten buying for everyone. Then to b fair the three of us with DC give â?¬10 and we buy a gift for the aunt who has no DC. It s nice to acknowledge her contribution to our DC and her help through the year.
Be fair to her a box of chocs or a card made by the DC would at the very least have been nice for her.

Inkspellme · 28/12/2013 19:43

my friend has bought christmas presents for my two children for the last 16 years. She, for various reasons, does not have any children. She also spends very generously of her time and hard earned money on her own neices. I would feel very rude and selfish taking her presents and not giving her and her partner something in return. Its not a value thing - no doubt she spends more on us than we do on her. We would view it more as an acknowledgement of her thoughtfulness. If everyone around her took the only buy for the kids route my friend would buy for lots and receive from very few. doesn't sit right with me.

I think the thing of only buying for the children only works if everyone in that group has children.

If you have children it can feel that christmas is only about children. but its not. its about different things for different people. If your inlaws weren't keen on the idea when it was first mentioned it may have been an idea to take it as a no from them.

however thats hindsight for you!

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 19:48

We have always had presents only for the kids - mum and dad got something too. And I was one of the last to have dcs. I never saw it as unfair. Years later I introduced the subject of stopping buying for the kids too - we all live all over the world, we have no idea what the dn need, like or have, my dsis had a bit of a hissy fit but we settled on a secret Santa. The whole presents thing has become so OTT.
I think a 28 year old throwing a strop about presents needs to grow up a bit. She should stop buying gifts for kids if her only desire is to receive.

ilovepowerhoop · 28/12/2013 19:48

We buy for kids only but I do buy for my brother who has no partner/children as otherwise he would buy for others but get nothing in return. I also buy for my mum as basically, she's my mum!!

So, the rule here is that you buy just for the children unless there is an adult with no child in which case you buy for them as it's unfair otherwise

Kitttty · 28/12/2013 19:53

This year we went one further than the no presents for adults - with all of the teenagers doing secret santa between them with their own money - they loved it.

Also we all don't want more stuff in the houses - so choose to treat the pre teens with a day out together - panto, cinema, trip into London etc - so they have memories.

OddBoots · 28/12/2013 20:02

Why did your MIL take you to one side not your dh? It's his sister.

ShatnersBassoon · 28/12/2013 20:02

YANBU. Adults get stupid at Christmas. To buy presents for children on the proviso that you'll be given something in return is mercenary. If you daren't risk spending money without getting the equivalent back in presents, you should opt out completely. Nobody would care. Give because you want to make someone happy and for no other reason.

I'd love to give up exchanging presents with adult relatives. We have to tell most of them what they should get us, so it's embarrassing and awkward but nobody else seems to find it silly. "I'll get you this, and I'd like this which is roughly to the same value, but only if you can get it in blue..." We might as well just agree to spend a set amount on ourselves and then show everyone what we bought.

HairyGrotter · 28/12/2013 20:04

This method works in our family, one of my sisters is childless and she's not bothered with only buying for the kids, in fact, it suits us all.

DP's family thankfully do the same.

I don't require a gift, I can buy my own shit

Rhubarbgarden · 28/12/2013 20:05

Who you buy presents for is completely up to you

This

My in-laws keep trying to impose a 'presents only for children and a jokey secret Santa for adults' rule. Every year I go rogue and buy for everyone. Every year she throws up her hands in surprise and complains. Every year I tell her that I will continue to buy presents for who I like and will not be dictated to. I don't care what I do or don't receive - I like giving gifts and it's my prerogative to do so.

crazyspaniel · 28/12/2013 20:16

Yes, who you buy presents for is effectively up to you. But if you are announcing to people that the family is now only buying for the kids (as seems to have been the case with the OP), you're effectively telling childless people in your family that you expect them to buy for your kids, while you won't be buying them anything.

It's all very well saying that you don't give to receive, but that sentiment is a bit hollow and hypocritical if it's your kids that are doing the receiving but you're not doing any giving (to childless units within in the family).

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 28/12/2013 20:21

I wouldn't like this. I don't want much but I do like a little something at christmas. I would have been upset at 28 (and single without kids) to not receiving anything. If you've got kids you enjoy christmas vicariously through them so don't need presents for yourself.
I still like buying and giving presents now at 43.

GuffSmuggler · 28/12/2013 20:22

shatners that's why we gave up buying adults presents this year as we were all sending links to each other of what to get because no-one knew what to get anyone, it had become totally farcical!!

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 20:23

If you resent not getting presents don't buy for the kids. No one will care, the kids get too much anyway.

ChristmasStrumpet · 28/12/2013 20:29

Does SIL have learning difficulties?? At 28 she should be well over getting upset about not getting a present on Xmas day.

Why did SIL not say before christmas she felt this was unfair to her or that she herself still wanted to adult gifts???

I assume she must have known beforehand or did she turn up with gifts for you (and other adults as well)??

How pathetic of her or your MIl to make such a drama of it on Xmas day itself. Why not discuss it openly beforehand and find a suitable compromise for all?

IMO - their side of the family were not happy with the agreement but instead of insisting or discussing it properly they have probably moaned and slagged you off amongst themselves for weeks and relished making a drama on Xmas day itself.

I dont think I could be arsed to even give them my time next christmas after such a childish carry on. Not because they didn't agree with the idea but because they didn't do anything about coming to an agreement thart suited all beforehand.

Drama Lamas is what they are. Fuck them!

GTbaby · 28/12/2013 20:32

I joined dh family after they started the gifts for children only rule.
Amongst the adults there is a SS.
Before we had children, we were not given token gifts.

We also decided that bday and anniversary gifts would be reserved for the big tens only.

CheapBread · 28/12/2013 20:32

Yanbu, she needs to grow up. I don't understand adults who still 'want' and 'expect' Christmas presents. Doesn't everyone just buy what they want these days?
She sounds a bit like my SIL, pile of presents dished out from mummy and daddy xmas morning like she's still 10. She's in her 30s.

CaptainTripps · 28/12/2013 20:35

Yep I can see your SIL viewpoint. That would be hurtful. It's not about needing to 'grow up'. It may just be a token but inclusivity is the key here. I can totally see how she would feel left out.

ShatnersBassoon · 28/12/2013 20:40

Guffsmuggler it's always the same here, just putting orders in, and some relatives getting annoyed when you haven't told them what you want by the beginning of November.