Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To have a 'presents for the kids only' Christmas.

95 replies

GertyD · 28/12/2013 18:44

Hi there, I would appreciate some advice as I think this was now a mistake.

This year, my family made the decision that presents would only be be bought for the kids this Christmas. Anyone under 18 essentially. This meant that I bought for my kids, and nieces and nephews only. Not my siblings, partner, parents or grandparents. No adults got presents.

My DH went to his side and told them what we were doing on my side and suggested that they don't buy us anything, and we wouldn't them, but we should all go for a posh meal in the new year instead and spend the money having a good time. His parents were not impressed but agreed.

On Christmas Day his mom took me into another room and told me his 28 year old sister was soooo hurt that we didn't buy her a present. She doesn't have a kid so as she bought one for our DS we should have bought one for her.

I was pretty shocked and felt she was being childish. In my family, we have varying levels of financial resources so gift giving has never been a big thing. Basically, I have money to buy gifts but very few of my family do as well.

I dunno.

OP posts:

Weller · 28/12/2013 23:04

Is it being grabby to introduce the kids only, if you do not want to take part in present exchanging then say so, but the kids only means that you are expecting to receive. We have children only between families with children,but still buy for those with older or no children and definitely for our parents.
I am more shocked that GPs having bought for their own children, then their children's children and so on and not a thoughtful gift back, because they no longer have a child under 18 seems sad.

crazyspaniel · 28/12/2013 23:04

You don't 'expect' presents - you're grateful for what you get, not feel entitled to one as "Well, I bought YOUR kids one!"

But the OP and her husband arguably "expected" a present when they laid down the law that only children (including theirs) would receive presents. They obviously felt that their children were "entitled" to a gift, so these attitudes of expectation and entitlement came originally from them, not from the SIL.

I agree that, in general, one should be grateful for what one gets, but when the situation is not one of reciprocal giving, then you can't really tell someone that you receive a gift from that they should be grateful for nothing.

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 23:12

Meryl Buying gifts from a shop is traditional from when? How big was the family before contraception was used. People didn't have enough money to buy gifts for more than 30 family members....IMO there's nothing traditional about buying a load of tat and wrapping it upon sparkly paper. No one really wants it, it's all a pile of rubbish that eventually gets thrown in the bin or redirected to the nearest charity shop.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 23:19

I think whatever the gift actually is isn't really relevant and it's pretty rude to be critical of a Boots bath set as it is a handmade shell wind-chime.

It really is the thought that counts - as twee as it sounds.

One of DP's close relatives always makes us gifts, I know she enjoys it and puts loads of time and effort into it. Sometimes it's something I love, sometimes it's something diabolical - both are received as gestures that we've been thought of and are cared about. As are the simpsons beach towels received by another relative

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 23:31

exchanging gifts is traditional

If your DC had saved their pocket money to buy you some Yardley lavender that they had toddled off to Home Bargains to choose for you would you reject it because "it was too easy" and you'd rather they wrote you a poem?

snowed · 28/12/2013 23:37

No wonder childless people sometimes feel like they are second-class citizens.

Agree with this. It's hurtful to infertile people to inform them that Christmas is only for children, and if you aren't lucky enough to have children then you or your family don't count. Not only that, but you must be grateful to be invited to give presents to everyone else's children and put on that happy face yet again.

snowed · 28/12/2013 23:37

^ "family" as in childless couple, family of two.

foreverondiet · 28/12/2013 23:39

Should have been discussed up front, so you should have been told upfront if someone wasn't happy with arrangements. I do think when doing kids only presents should buy for adults who don't have kids but are buying for your kids otherwise I think it's a bit unfair.

toobreathless · 28/12/2013 23:39

Every 'unit' here within the extended family receives a present of roughly the same value but all get presents (£15-20) so 2 adults and 2 DC- generally give adults a homemade token and gifts to children. 2 adults with 1 DC- spend a little more on the baby's gift. Childless SIL gets a proper present to the full value.

No formal conversations about this, just an unwritten rule and seems to work.

FrankAndFurt · 28/12/2013 23:52

I think just buying for kids is a bit duff. All the kids in my extended family have way too much already mine included I like the idea of buying each household a single gift. Something like a board game for a family with kids and a nice bottle of wine for a childless couple etc. The other alternative is not buying anyone gifts other than for your own kids or parents.

flopsytherabbit · 29/12/2013 00:28

We have traditionally bought gifts for adults and children, but the amount of money each year was ridiculous and gifts were often 'unwanted'.
This year, my DD (12) has gifted to the adults, we have bought gifts for all children only.
In reality, we paid for the gifts from DD (max £10) and then gifts for children were up to £25. This has worked out more cost effective. Adults got a gift (whether they have children or not) and all children got a meaningful gift.

flopsytherabbit · 29/12/2013 00:30

Sorry, to add to that - we used to buy gifts from us and then also from my DD. Gifting from my DD only effectively halved the cost, but everyone still gets something!

OwlinaTree · 29/12/2013 00:49

It's a bit mean for sil to have nothing to open when she's bought gifts for others, as agreed. Maybe she just thought she would get a gift as she doesn't have children.

I would hate to sit watching people open presents id bought and not be given anything at all on Xmas day. I don't think it's because I'm grabby. I think I'd just feel like no one cared about me.

BumPotato · 29/12/2013 01:02

Our family do a secret Santa plus a raffle prize for the adults (bottle of wine, chocs or a body lotion, everyone pops a wrapped gift in the raffle bin). We have a big party just before Xmas. We're free to buy for the kids or not. There are 8 kids, 2 are mine. I get for all 8 but not everyone does, and that's perfectly fine. It works well with us. We have the big party the week before Xmas and it leaves everyone free to break away into smaller groups for the day itself.

OP if your family are doing the same thing next year, I suggest you do a secret Santa and/or a raffle for the adults. It's great fun. We do a £20 per adult and everyone is happy with this.

EverythingInMjiniature · 29/12/2013 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toobreathless · 29/12/2013 01:32

We do the same with our DDs everything they give every adult they see on Christmas Day & Boxing Day a gift.

They are only 2.8 & 8 months so I bought a load of nice ish choc bars, wrapped them in brown paper & let my 2 year old loose with stickers and crayons. It's so that they can exchange gifts rather than it be all about them. For their grand parents we rolled jam jars in glue then glitter and put tea lights in.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 29/12/2013 01:39

I had this imposed on me by my brother and sister, and feel SIL's pain. It is fine if it is a family agreement, but not if others decide and then impose it as a fait accompli.

In my case, I had bought all the presents for the db,s, ils etc and the little ones, and gave them all out and did know until I started to realise that I had nothing what was going on. One db told me afterwards .

Now, mine are 'adult' so don't get anything and I have to trail around bluddy toy shops (or amazon :D) to get kids stuff, that I have no enthusiasm for whatsoever (knowing from experience that it all ends up as trash littering the house).

It does seem that I ran myself ragged buying for them all when they were childless and I had my hands full with young children, then as soon as they had any children, it became too much for them. It was obviously not appreciated.

Original poster

GertyD · 29/12/2013 08:16

There seems to be a divide here. I think we'll carry on in my family, as they all loved it, but revert back to traditional gift giving in the other half's family. And no, my family won't get precious about that.
Thanks everyone. Blimey, Christmas is stressful

OP posts:

highho1 · 29/12/2013 13:28

we do the same 2breathless.

Earlspearl · 29/12/2013 14:38

Why not organise a secret Santa for the adults? 30 pounds and a wish list.

You could also do a secret Santa for all the nieces nephews with all the other uncles aunts

Flip

1 2 3 4