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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a 'presents for the kids only' Christmas.

95 replies

GertyD · 28/12/2013 18:44

Hi there, I would appreciate some advice as I think this was now a mistake.

This year, my family made the decision that presents would only be be bought for the kids this Christmas. Anyone under 18 essentially. This meant that I bought for my kids, and nieces and nephews only. Not my siblings, partner, parents or grandparents. No adults got presents.

My DH went to his side and told them what we were doing on my side and suggested that they don't buy us anything, and we wouldn't them, but we should all go for a posh meal in the new year instead and spend the money having a good time. His parents were not impressed but agreed.

On Christmas Day his mom took me into another room and told me his 28 year old sister was soooo hurt that we didn't buy her a present. She doesn't have a kid so as she bought one for our DS we should have bought one for her.

I was pretty shocked and felt she was being childish. In my family, we have varying levels of financial resources so gift giving has never been a big thing. Basically, I have money to buy gifts but very few of my family do as well.

I dunno.

OP posts:
crazyspaniel · 28/12/2013 20:43

I think people are being a bit unfair to the SIL calling her childish. We don't know that she was upset at not having a present, or whether this is the MIL's projection. And I'll bet she's not upset because she really wanted a pile of presents but because of the assumption that she should be spending money on the OP's family while they won't bother with her. No wonder childless people sometimes feel like they are second-class citizens.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 20:44

I think everyone should stop calling the SIL names.

The clue was in the OP "his parents were not impressed".

It is not grasping or materialistic to enjoy exchanging gifts at Christmas. OP's DH misread his family's enthusiasm for dispensing with that tradition.

If I were 28 single and childless, I might well like the idea of being given a little gift from my brother's family at Christmas. It might be the only one i got.

ChristmasStrumpet · 28/12/2013 21:09

I just dont get why the family allowed it to meanifest and decide to announce their disgust/dissapointment/disapproval of the idea.

They are idiots for waiting until Xmas day to decide they were pissed off enough with the idea to not try to rectify it or come to an agrreable arrangement beforehand.

Regardless as to who is right or wrong with the idea of kid only gifts - this is about the family acting shitty on Xmas day when they had plenty of time to sit up and say actually we think this is bollocks can we dio X instead perhaps??

They were pissed off with the idea and decided to make a scene on Xmas day.

Shits is what they are.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2013 21:15

Christmas strumpet what an ignorant thing to write (I won't copy it).

AntsMarching · 28/12/2013 21:52

My parents told me one year that they'd only be buying for their grandchildren. I was mid-20s, single and childless. My brother was married with children. I said fine but was secretly hurt that on Christmas I'd have nothing to open. It wasn't that I wanted or expected presents from my parents or brother, it's that I imagined it'd make me feel even more single IYSWIM. My parents would exchange gifts to one another as would my brother and his wife and we'd all buy for the children, so on the day, I'd be the only one with nothing to open.

Don't be too harsh on the SIL, she may not be upset about the present but about the way the situation made her feel.

2kidsintow · 28/12/2013 21:56

My SIL and I have had the 'only gifts for children' rule for a long time. But she's the only one as everyone else likes exchanging gifts and wouldn't be interested.

I like giving gifts.

Ladymuck · 28/12/2013 22:01

My children are still under 18 but actually I have started to feel aggrieved that they just see present exchanging as something that only involves children, and as they get older it does seem to have become more about receiving than giving.

There are years when money has been tight and we have all cut back, but when the years are not so lean I think that we will definitely be trying to get our dcs more involved in thinking about and buying for others.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 28/12/2013 22:06

antsmarching - that's exactly the situation I would think would be unfair. Its nice to get a little something and being the only one left out is not nice.
Doesn't everyone just buy what they want these days? Nope, I often wait until christmas or birthday to get something I really want. I don't spend much on myself at all throughout the year as I'm not that materialistic, plus I like getting something for christmas/birthday and I'm happy to wait (delayed gratification and all that).

tunnocksteacake · 28/12/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinemmum · 28/12/2013 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasStrumpet · 28/12/2013 22:10

Ignorant?? Which bit? Calling someone a shit for making a drama on Xmas day when they plenty of time to deal with any difference in opinion beforehand???

The issue is simply - the OPs DH family didnt agree with the kids only thing but instead of sorting it before the day decided to blame the OP not the DH and cause a fuss on Xmas day when they could have come to something agreeable way way before Xmas had they wanted to but their actions indicate they wanted to blame the OP, make a fuss and a drama = making them shits imo.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 22:12

I think it's miserable to only have gifts for the children. Sorry, no offence if that's what you do. I really enjoy making or buying gifts for my family and friends and I'm not breaking the bank at ALL. I also enjoy receiving gifts. I encourage my Dd to make or buy very small gifts for our family too (this year she bought loads of beads and charms very cheaply online and made charm bracelets). I agree with LadyMuck, I don't like the idea that children just receive and have no part in the giving.

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 22:14

It's not about Christmas being only for kids - it's about the gifts being only for kids. Most adults would agree that they choose better things for themselves...why do people feel they can't buy themselves what they need or want...I think you seriously need to think about the why?

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 22:18

I am currently childless and this 'presents for children only' was trialled last year and it was a bit of a nightmare actually. I bought presents for 7 children (family) and another 2 children who belonged to close friends. Between buying those gifts I spent quite a fair bit of money and sitting there on Christmas, with nothing to open for myself felt a bit weird actually and I know other family members felt it a bit strange too. I had spent about £150 and didn't even receive a token gift in return from anyone. I know we give to receive, but still, it still leaves you feeling a bit disgruntled.

This year we agreed that for families with children, buying for the children would still be the main expenditure but we would still get token gifts for their parents, and that those adults who didn't have children would get a present as normal. It was about making sure that Christmas was for everyone, nobody felt left out and that things were just more fair.

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 22:19

Sorry Snowdown, I am being a bit thick here probably! Do you mean that adults shouldn't need presents because they ought to be able to choose whatever they want and buy it at any time? That's interesting, I never thought about present giving in that way. I suppose it's more that it's nice to give and receive some interesting, fun gifts that you'd perhaps not thought of rather than things that you already need and want.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 22:21

Agree that adults can buy stuff for themselves all year around but they can also buy for their own children all year around... no need to buy for anybody else's children at all then?

It's about consideration of feelings really, inclusion (as somebody else pointed out), not gifts. To introduce 'rules' like this runs the risk of families becoming divided and maybe not even bothering to see each other over Christmas, birthdays or any other time... thus sparking a new flurry of MN threads.

PigsInTinselToppedWellies · 28/12/2013 22:23

Did your DH discuss the idea with SIL before hand and did she agree to it? Or did he just unilaterally decide that the rules were changing and impose them on everyone? Also are there other children besides yours in his family who were bought for?

SinisterBuggyMonth · 28/12/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumperella · 28/12/2013 22:30

It's just plain embarrassing to give a thoughtful/well-wrapped/expensive gift and get nothing back, or something that is trivial (in terms of thought/effort) in return. SIL has thought about what to get your child, bought it, wrapped it, etc, and has been ignored in return - much more normal for your child to have bought her a gift (financed and chosen by you).

I do feel the presents-for-the-sake-of-presents thing is ridiculous, but it's very unkind to have someone buy a gift for your child without making any effort to reciprocate.

Snowdown · 28/12/2013 22:32

Lila I did mean exactly that. No one buys me anything I wouldn't have thought of getting for myself if I really wanted it. I ask the dcs to practice a song on their instruments, a favourite tune and I make the dcs their favourite sweet treat - those things cannot be bought and I treasure them. I held off buying my favourite perfume so dcs would have something to buy me but it's all a bit false....I want effort, I want someone to cook for me, sing for me, draw a picture, write a story, put on a play for me. That's a real gift, IMO. But just buy me stuff from a shop - that's too easy.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 22:39

I think it's UR if you haven't all got children at the same time.

When it comes down to it a gift is a token to show someone you have thought of them and that you want to celebrate a particular event with them.

When someone buys a gift for your child you derive an amount of pleasure from that by extension, if you haven't got children then you just become part of the audience rather than a participant.

I'm sure your IL's love seeing your kids enjoy what they've chosen for them, but it does relegate them to the sidelines in what is quite a big part of Christmas tradition.

If it's about cash, there's no reason to spend a fortune just to buy something that can be wrapped up and enjoyed.

TikkaTurkey · 28/12/2013 22:44

You don't give to receive. Your SIL is being grabby. Even if she was hurt, she was out of order expressing it.
You don't 'expect' presents - you're grateful for what you get, not feel entitled to one as "Well, I bought YOUR kids one!" stamp stamp foot. Hmm

Lilacroses · 28/12/2013 22:45

Yes, I totally get what you mean there Snowdown. Great post. Those are really lovely gifts and they do require someone giving of themselves. I have to say I very rarely buy for myself throughout the year and my Dp is the most incredibly thoughtful gift sourcer and giver and is much more generous to me than I ever would be to myself and I do enjoy that....she is also very thoughtful in other ways too. Great point though, funnily enough she does buy more for herself and as a result my gift giving for her can be alot harder!

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 28/12/2013 22:51

No Strumpet, asking if she had learning difficulties.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 23:02

I really don't think its grabby AT ALL
It's traditional
It's nice to encourage your children to think of things to make their family happy, especially for those without oodles of extended family with whom to exchange chutney, or those who don't have kids of their own who will make them something out of eggboxes.
Am also a bit Hmm at "something from the shop is too easy" train of thought - that is also not in the spirit of Christmas IMO. Given with love should be enough.