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AIBU?

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Original poster

I read her text - I know I am!!

102 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:35

My 12-year-old dd's phone was lying on top of my bed earlier, I heard a beep & picked it up as she had been texting her dad whilst I was in shower.

Turned out to be from a boy in her class. A boy who is 'going out' with a friend of hers.. A boy who has been described to us as being geeky, smelly, ugly etc.... (Of course I am aware when you're 12 that's how you describe boys!!!)

But the texts suggest to me they're boyfriend & girlfriend. Sad

Reading through the text messages he called her on Christmas Day, she called him late last night when in bed etc.. She sent him a message earlier with some one direction quote in it.

I know I shouldn't have read her text messages, but I feel sick. She's just 12 (a few days ago) but I know it's nothing serious, but the texts from her have been heavy, ending in hearts etc... His are silly ones telling her he's been on wii/xbox etc.

They also refer to a girl P who seems to be stuck in middle ie: 'P told me to text you'

I just said to her "who's xxxx? Is that the dude S is 'going out' with?" She said he's a boy in my class, S thinks they're going out, but he says they're not. Were you reading my phone?"

I said yes, (no point lying) she said they're just friends but went all red.

I don't make a habit of reading her texts, never have, she knows that. But she's going to tell me even less now, isn't she!

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school.

Neurotic (as well as untrustworthy) mother here Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:36

Meant to put 'text message' in title (for all you pedants)

OP posts:
SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 14:40

You feel sick over a few texts a 12 year has sent with hearts??

That's not heavy for a 12 6year old. It's what 12 year olds do. I have seen messages between my 14 year old brother and his gf and they are similar.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 14:41

No idea where that 6 came from.

It doesn't matter how this lad has been described and it also doesn't means he is a little shit who will make fun of her.

fadeandsparkle · 28/12/2013 14:41

You read her texts?

That's pretty low and quite a disgusting invasion of privacy.

Why not read her diary over dinner too?

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 14:42

You have the perfect opportunity to have 'the chat' here. Not about sex; but a gentle talk about relationships and what they mean and should be like. You should also apologise for reading her texts and try and start afresh with you both being honest either each other. Explain to her why you did it, explain why the thought of her having a boyfriend is scary. But, be supportive.

MamaBear17 · 28/12/2013 14:43

You have the perfect opportunity to have 'the chat' here. Not about sex; but a gentle talk about relationships and what they mean and should be like. You should also apologise for reading her texts and try and start afresh with you both being honest either each other. Explain to her why you did it, explain why the thought of her having a boyfriend is scary. But, be supportive.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 14:43

Aw, bless you for being honest with her. Phones are pretty much the 21st century version of diaries aren't they?

I think you need to sit down with her and have a proper chat. 1. A huge apology for invading her privacy 2. A heart to heart about protecting herself from people who might not be thinking the same way about things as she is.

I remember being around that age, and let's face it till you've had your heart broken a couple of times, every infatuation is a never-ending, all absorbing, true love that no one else in the world could possibly understand Smile

My mum wasn't a best friends type of mum, but she used to create a neutral ground and take me out for coffees/pizza and treat me like an adult to encourage me to open up to her about stuff. I lost her pretty young so I can't comment on how long that tactic might work, but while it did there was the opportunity for her to guide me and know what was going on inside my hormone ridden head.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 14:43

Hmm, I don't think the issue the OP is asking about is whether this is too much or not, more that she has broken her DDs trust by reading them and is worried she will no longer confide in her.

I only allowed my DD to have technology on the basis that I would check it every now and again, randomly and with her full knowledge. That helped a lot and she continued to confide in me.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:43

I already feel bad about reading the text message.

Is it normal then sp?

Dd is my eldest child so I've no experience & mobiles weren't around when I was that age.

OP posts:
HettiePetal · 28/12/2013 14:44

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school

Lovely way to talk about someone else's 12 year old.

"Going out" with someone at 12 means giggling with your mates about it in the playground. That's about it. It's normal.

RiceBurner · 28/12/2013 14:44

Oh dear. YANBU to worry.

Sorry, I have no advice .... as it's so very tricky re trust and privacy etc.

Probably would have been a lot better just if you didn;t know about this potentially worrying info?

Maybe just leave it (now) and hope she will talk to you if things start to go wrong? (And try not to worry too much?)

frogspoon · 28/12/2013 14:44

YABVU to invade her privacy in that way. She may lose trust in you, and understandably so.

Also that sounds like a fairly typical teenage conversation, not sure what your problem with it is. She obviously likes him a little more than he likes her.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 14:44

'Spotty little shit'?

How charming.

Would you be ok with his Mum describing your DD like that?

The texts sound rather mild and nothing 12yr olds wouldn't have written in a note before mobile phones were invented.

Fairylea · 28/12/2013 14:44

"Some spotty little shit" - who sends her texts saying he's on xbox or whatever with a few kisses?! Doesn't sound like a shit to me.

I have a year 6 dd. All sounds perfectly normal to me!

NumptyNameChange · 28/12/2013 14:47

hang on if a mum checks her daughters phone she is described as low and invading privacy but if a parent doesn't check phones, internet use, browser history they're neglecting their child?

it's not a disgusting invasion of privacy fadeandsparkle and i will certainly be monitoring computers and such when my son is 12.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:47

My sister does a 'random check' on her 14 yr olds phone. I've never looked at dd's before - this happened in an innocent way. Honestly.

We do talk a lit, which is how I know her friend is meant to be dating this boy.

I'm more concerned with how to handle the boyfriend situation, I wasn't into boys at that age & then married my first boyfriend.

OP posts:
SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 14:47

Yes it's pretty normal. I have sen the following as an example

WUU2?? (Heart) Wink xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Grin

Just chillin u? Grin (Heart) xxxxxxxxxx

chocoluvva · 28/12/2013 14:47

Wow - that was me a few years ago (didn't actually read the texts though). I couldn't believe that any self-respecting boy or girl could be happy to receive so many text messages from my DD.

However - your DD is normal - younger teens text each other all the time apparently, and boys as well as girls end their texts with loads of x s, hearts and silly emoticons

Apparently it's rude to not answer texts reasonably quickly even if they come late at night....

chocoluvva · 28/12/2013 14:48

x- posted sorry.

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 14:48

Sorry that is absolute rubbish fade My 12yo dd is only allowed a phone because I am allowed to read what she's doing with it, technology is not a right, and it is not the same as a diary, it can be totally misused.

Whenever you hear about there girls sending explicit messages or pictures of themselves people often ask 'where were the parents'. Same with bullying, being the victim or the offender.

I don't let my daughters on the internet without knowing what they're up to, and 'their' phones (paid for by me and dh) are not off limits either.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:48

Sorry, spotty little shit is a colloquial turn of phrase here, no offence meant.

OP posts:
SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 14:49

Boyfriends to a 12 year old isn't the same as boyfriends at an older age.

It's someone she might hold hands with, talk to, giggle about to friends but that's it. The boyfriend might change weekly

NumptyNameChange · 28/12/2013 14:49

yep - a diary does not bully you, request photos of you in your underwear, allow you to publish your personal details online etc etc.

Snowhoho · 28/12/2013 14:49

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school

Good god how offensive, sexist and such a nasty way to talk about a 12 year old child who you have never met so have no clue what he is like! Love to see your reaction if this boys Mum said the same about your DD...or is it only boys that can be "spotty shits" who make fun of others?

HoHoHopasholic · 28/12/2013 14:49

'Spotty little shit!' that's nice. That's a 12 year old boy you're referring to you know? A child. Disgusting. Biscuit

Seems its your DD who's got her priorities mixed up. She's taken her friends boyfriend.

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