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AIBU?

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Original poster

I read her text - I know I am!!

102 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:35

My 12-year-old dd's phone was lying on top of my bed earlier, I heard a beep & picked it up as she had been texting her dad whilst I was in shower.

Turned out to be from a boy in her class. A boy who is 'going out' with a friend of hers.. A boy who has been described to us as being geeky, smelly, ugly etc.... (Of course I am aware when you're 12 that's how you describe boys!!!)

But the texts suggest to me they're boyfriend & girlfriend. Sad

Reading through the text messages he called her on Christmas Day, she called him late last night when in bed etc.. She sent him a message earlier with some one direction quote in it.

I know I shouldn't have read her text messages, but I feel sick. She's just 12 (a few days ago) but I know it's nothing serious, but the texts from her have been heavy, ending in hearts etc... His are silly ones telling her he's been on wii/xbox etc.

They also refer to a girl P who seems to be stuck in middle ie: 'P told me to text you'

I just said to her "who's xxxx? Is that the dude S is 'going out' with?" She said he's a boy in my class, S thinks they're going out, but he says they're not. Were you reading my phone?"

I said yes, (no point lying) she said they're just friends but went all red.

I don't make a habit of reading her texts, never have, she knows that. But she's going to tell me even less now, isn't she!

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school.

Neurotic (as well as untrustworthy) mother here Sad

OP posts:
maddy68 · 28/12/2013 14:50

They are nothing to worry about and very very normal

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 14:51

SP is spot on, just the kind of texts I found on DDs phone at that age and the ones she shows me now. There are plenty I do not want to see now though, she is 18 and engaged. She still tries to show me, so our relationship did not break down because I wanted to see her texts every now and then!

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 14:52

mamma I wouldn't let my mum see my phone now! Sometimes even I don't want to look at it Grin

marmaladeandguitars · 28/12/2013 14:53

YANBU to read her messages- she is 12, still a child, and still learning how to use technology responsibly. I don't think it is unfair to spot check phones at that age- in fact, it is sensible.

YABU to describe a 12 year old boy talking about his xbox as a spotty little shit, however. He is probably a perfectly nice boy, who, along with your daughter,is making the first forays into romance/adolescence in a totally age appropriate way. I knew girls who were up to a lot more at 12/13.

HettiePetal · 28/12/2013 14:53

I don't think reading her texts is that terrible, to be honest. I certainly reserved the right to when my DS was that age.

You know, having "boyfriends" at 12 really means nothing (unless said boyfriend turns out to be someone they've never met on FB). The love lives of my DS's classmates were more complicated than Dallas - I could never keep up. Some relationships began and ended in a single lunch break - and there was one "couple" who had a trial separation after a week!

It's usually silly & harmless - a way of beginning the slow journey into real relationships, so try not to worry.

Keeping an eye on what she's up to is sensible in this day and age.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:54

I know I shouldn't have read the messages.

I wish I hadn't. However, I'm also concerned that she'll have a falling out with friends over this boy.

I met him at a carol service before Christmas. He was holding hands with her friend.

I guess I am worried yes, she sees him as more than he sees her which is why I feel a bit odd.

I don't read her diary, I would never read her diary. I opened the phone as I said in the OP she had been messaging her dad (my dh) about what time he was due home so I could put lunch on. She had left the room, mobile was on bed & I assumed it was dh replying.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 28/12/2013 14:55

I know what you mean OP about worrying that your DD will make a fool of herself or something.

Her texts sound normal though. She might have several 'boyfriends' over the next couple of years.

Try not to criticise her though.

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 14:55

Haha hettie I love it, if I don't ask for a week then mention A and B dating I get a sarcastic eye roll because they've broken up and I'm sooo out of touch!

PiperChapman · 28/12/2013 14:57

ignore the posters berating you for reading her messages. bloody hell - how exactly do you think you can keep your child safe otherwise? you are absolutely correct to do this. it's called being a parent and it's your job.

my.daughter is 15 and I have all of this lovelorn text stuff. I can only advise her and keep tabs on what she is doing and who she is talking with. I no longer read her texts but wouldn't hesitate if I felt I needed to.

at 12, yes, I'd be all over it. not because I am the slightest bit interested in what she is talking about but because if something inappropriate were to happen, the first thing people would question is why you as a parent were unaware of what your young child was doing.

so don't apologise and keep an eye out would be my advice.

apologies for typos - can't get to grips with this mobile!

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:58

Well maybe I'll become used it then, as I say dd is my eldest.

We live rurally, she can't meet anyone without one of us driving her there - or when she's at school.

Apologies again for the spotty remark.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 28/12/2013 14:58

Tbh i just find the text messages sweet.
I will be glad if my dcs send similar ones.
My fear is not these sweet texts but the sexual ones that other teenagers send.
And he doesn't sound like a little spotty shit.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 14:58

SP, she is a little too open with me sometimes. I keep telling her 'I'm your mother, not your friend' and she argues back that I am her best friend! Can't argue with that one.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:59

I'm going to speak to dd.

OP posts:
OpalTourmaline · 28/12/2013 15:01

I think your dd is more likely to poke fun at him than the other way round since she has already called him geeky, smelly and ugly.

GlaikitInAPearTree · 28/12/2013 15:02

I thought is was good parenting to check all communication devices anyway? FB, email, phones. I hardly see it As a gross breach of trust.

You need to explain to her, as her parent you need to check these things, but I future you will tell her first, so she can let you know if there is anything int here you should be concerned about.

As for your choice of language in describing the young man in question, you will get people only picking that up and not offering any constructive advice. May want to pop your hard hat on.

All this sounds pretty typical 12 year old behaviour, I wouldn't worry about it. Just keep the communication going between you both.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 15:02

I read my DC's phones occasionally as that was part of the deal of them being allowed to have them in the first place. That's just basic safeguarding imo.

However, I'm sure everyone on this thread is fully aware that anything their DCs don't want them to read, will be deleted by them anyway.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 15:03

Eva, in a way, I was lucky in that I had a DStD to rehearse on. She was not mine, not my responsibility, but I looked after her a lot and cared about her deeply. That helped with DD.

SP has younger siblings. That will help her in future too.

noddyholder · 28/12/2013 15:04

This is what 12 yr olds love to do All the intrigue and secret gossiping etc Ignore its her private thing. DOn't tell her you read it

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 15:08

And OP I realise you've apologised more than once for the spotty little shit remark so please don't think I'm getting at you...

But as a mother of 3 boys I have to point out

A boy who has been described to us as being geeky, smelly, ugly etc....(Of course I am aware when you're 12 that's how you describe boys!!!)

NO, that is not how boys are necessarily described. So if you're living in a place where 'spotty little shit is a colloquial turn of phrase', perhaps you should work on teaching your DD to respect both boys and girls and not to use these horrible names as a matter of course.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2013 15:08

OP, you should apologise - if you haven't - and leave it at that for now. You've broken your daughter's trust. My mum did that too and even 20 years later, I don't tell her anything.

Save the helpful chat for another day, let the apology sink in and keep quiet.

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 15:09

I think it should be private as well. If you had told her from the outset you'd be having a look from time to time then possibly, - possibly - that might be acceptable but sneaking behind her back isn't.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:09

I'm the oldest of 7 and it was that long ago that I was also a teen Grin

I have heard my sister speak about boyfriends. She has a new one each week. We even met one and then they 'dumped' each other that night. She turned 12 in October and is in first year of high school.

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 15:10

I think it should be private as well. If you had told her from the outset you'd be having a look from time to time then possibly, - possibly - that might be acceptable but sneaking behind her back isn't.

MmeLindor · 28/12/2013 15:11

I don't think it is a problem to read the text messages. In fact, you should speak with her and say that you are ok with her having a phone and texting friends, but you will occasionally be checking to make sure there is nothing dodgy going on.

The text messages sound ok. As long as there is nothing coercive or bullying in the messages, leave well alone.

As to those getting upset because she called a 12 yr old spotty - it was a throw-away remark, and has nothing to do with the thread.

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 15:11

Oops. Sorry.