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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I read her text - I know I am!!

102 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:35

My 12-year-old dd's phone was lying on top of my bed earlier, I heard a beep & picked it up as she had been texting her dad whilst I was in shower.

Turned out to be from a boy in her class. A boy who is 'going out' with a friend of hers.. A boy who has been described to us as being geeky, smelly, ugly etc.... (Of course I am aware when you're 12 that's how you describe boys!!!)

But the texts suggest to me they're boyfriend & girlfriend.

Reading through the text messages he called her on Christmas Day, she called him late last night when in bed etc.. She sent him a message earlier with some one direction quote in it.

I know I shouldn't have read her text messages, but I feel sick. She's just 12 (a few days ago) but I know it's nothing serious, but the texts from her have been heavy, ending in hearts etc... His are silly ones telling her he's been on wii/xbox etc.

They also refer to a girl P who seems to be stuck in middle ie: 'P told me to text you'

I just said to her "who's xxxx? Is that the dude S is 'going out' with?" She said he's a boy in my class, S thinks they're going out, but he says they're not. Were you reading my phone?"

I said yes, (no point lying) she said they're just friends but went all red.

I don't make a habit of reading her texts, never have, she knows that. But she's going to tell me even less now, isn't she!

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school.

Neurotic (as well as untrustworthy) mother here

OP posts:

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:12

I also deleted anything incriminating or anything I felt my mum would decide needed talking about

I talk to her now about certain things but I fuck let her read my messages now

My brother is very open. He tells m what's he is thinking let alone what he is texting. He just shares everything and I men everything.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/12/2013 15:13

I think the breech of trust only applies because that's clearly what was expected in their house - hence the OP posting about it.

Eva, thing is you can't avoid the dramas your DD will get caught up in, how she chooses to deal with them is important.

Keep up the communication, but sometimes she'll seek your opinion then do the opposite, sometimes she'll take your advice and sometimes you'll just have to help pick up the pieces after the fact.

PoppyAmex · 28/12/2013 15:17

A diary won't groom, bulky or abuse a child; a smartphone with internet connection has the potential to be extremely damaging.

I'm shocked with all the posters crying "privacy invasion"; not monitoring a12 year olds use of technology is risky at best IMHO.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:18

When I was 12 I had a Nokia 3210.

I blame smart phones

NumptyNameChange · 28/12/2013 15:20

i'm a bit stunned by the people who think a 12yo dd should have completely unmonitored private technology. no wonder some kids are able to get themselves in such awful situations if their parents are more worried about their privacy than safeguarding them.

Laquitar · 28/12/2013 15:22

You had a Nokia at 12 SPs ???

Gosh i feel so old here. We didnt have phones when i was 12 !!
Grin.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:23

Yes in 2002. I only got it because a car had hit me

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 15:24

SP if you continue to make me feel old every time you post, I shall be forced to drag you outside and beat you upside the head with a telephone directory...which is something else you probably never had as a child [fangy]

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 15:25

fangy???

What the fuck is that?

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:26

Is that the blue or yellow book? Or the black one with coloured tabs?

MmeLindor · 28/12/2013 15:26

I agree, Numpty.

Not so much text messaging - although that can of course be an issue if the child is being bullied or groomed via text messaging. I do think that checking of smartphone/tablet/computer is part of safeguarding your child.

All my DC's emails are also sent in copy to me. I don't read the ones sent from their friends, but would see if someone I didn't know tried to contact them.

marmaladeandguitars · 28/12/2013 15:27

Similar age as you SP- I had a weird, curvy-looking Siemens. Was uncool because all my friends had Nokias, and they used to buy phone covers from the market, whereas my stupid Siemens had to remain in its natural state. Also, friend's phone had ringtone of 'My Milkshake Brings All the Boys To The Yard'. Mine had 'Ode to Joy'.

Was never going to be a social success.

HoHoHopasholic · 28/12/2013 15:27

I don't think it was the word spotty which caused offence Mmelindor more the 'Little Shit'.

SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 28/12/2013 15:28

marm did you get to type in your own ringtone from a website

lunar1 · 28/12/2013 15:28

I think it's appalling that so many people think children this young should get so much unsupervised access to technology. It might be a good idea for you to look into a course on internet safety and have a look at the effect of bullying on children. At least when I was that age it stopped for the night when I got home.

I would be telling your spotty little shit, sorry your dd that if she wants to keep her phone you will be monitoring it and that it will only used in communal rooms and never taken to bed.

DalmationDots · 28/12/2013 15:30

Relationships at that age are usually just exchanges of texts and face-to-face ignoring of each other/acting very awkward. The girls all show off and chat to their friends endlessly about their 'boyfriends'. The boys tease each other but generally aren't all that bothered.
It is a natural thing for a 12 year old and part of growing up. Yes it is odd that it was her friend's 'boyfriend' but equally it is very normal for teenagers this age to all jump around going out with many girls/boys in succession. Yes, she may have fallen out with or upset this friend but I'm sure her friend will make it known if she is upset and your DD will have to react. It is all a learning curve of how to manage relationships.
It is tempting to intervene but in all honesty nagging from a parent or a warning from a parent about the dangers of messaging is going to go over her head.
Let her enjoy it and get a boost from it. If it all falls apart pick up the pieces and have a chat then. Most likely it will end and you won't hear anything about it.
And there is nothing odd about her not telling you and it doesn't mean you don't have a good relationship. It is perfectly normal for her to hide it and be embarrassed. She clearly tells you things and involves you in her life as she has mentioned the boy even if it is in another context.

Maybe just say to her it is OK if she has a boyfriend, however serious it is. And ask her more about him, give her a chance to open up in a non-confrontational way. Then you can be supportive but also remind her to be careful etc. Tell her she can speak to you anytime about him.

marmaladeandguitars · 28/12/2013 15:32

SP I think I did on my second phone, but by that time everyone else had moved on yet again, and had discovered the joys of those weird 02 games/chatroom things. Friend was propositioned on there, by a by 35 year old man from Aberdeen who called himself LionCrotch, who 'wanted to show it'. Which he did, frequently, much to our amusement

SquinkiesRule · 28/12/2013 15:33

My Dd is 9 I will be checking her phone once she gets one, by high school probably. Just as I used to keep tabs on my boys email accounts at that age and then of facebook pages/messages mid teens. They knew I could check I had passwords, but I usually just said time to show me, and they would go through the friends list and messages with me.
It's called parenting and you did nothing wrong OP, had you found abusive texts and inappropriate pictures sent to her and requests for such pictures you would be able to help her and stop the abuse.
Just because it as pretty innocent stuff doesn't mean it shouldn't be monitored.

ChestnutsroastingintheFireligh · 28/12/2013 15:33

I read my 12 year old dds texts, however she had her phone on condition I can & we've already had to desk with an upsetting incident if abusive/threatening texts

However the messages you describe seem quite sweet. I certainly wouldn't 'feel sick'

Don't you remember what it was like to have a schoolgirl crush.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2013 15:39

As the mother of a boy, I have to say he and his friends were very romantic and caring about the girls they went out with. I'm sure other things went on sexually that I was happy not to know about, but when they had a girlfriend, they tended to be completely loved up and wouldn't have dreamed of telling the world anything about their relationship. It was very, very sweet.

Your daughter ought to be very, very careful about texting a boy who is supposed to be going out with her friend. She should check with her friend if he says they're no longer going out. Her friend will be her friend longer than the boy, most likely, and she shouldn't act in a way now that would upset her.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 28/12/2013 15:39

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school.

I am afraid that no matter how much you don't want this, she has to make her own mistakes. Hopefully she will learn from them and not keep repeating them, but these things are going to happen and you will need to stand back and let them. To a point obviously.

As for reading her phone, I can't say I won't do that when mine are that age. Its not a hanging offence.

Pan · 28/12/2013 15:46

Lots of issues around, but reading the contents of your child's phone/fb/emails etc is sort of compulsory in modern parenting. They will have messages and influencing that they will not be old enough to process properly.

cantheyseeme · 28/12/2013 15:47

I think if you are going to let your 12 year old have unsupervised access to a mobile its your RESPINSIBILITY to check her messages, i wouldnt feel guilty about it.
As for the situation with the boy i wouldnt worry

Inkspellme · 28/12/2013 15:49

I would have no hesitation in reading my 12 year olds text messages. I would do it in order to ensure she wasn't being bullied, she wasn't being a bully ( although I would hope this one would be a never) & that she was not getting involved in inaporpriate relationships such as one with a much older boy for example.

I did this with my 12 year old dd for those reasons. My dd is now 16 and I have stopped reading her phone. She's older and I trust her to have more mature judgement than she did at 12. She comes to me with most problems and that monitoring of her phone at 12 has not affected that. She knows why I did it and told me she agreees with me snd would be doing the same for her offspring when the time comes.

I would never have read her diary as thats not in the public domain and therefore feels different. Not everything you read in a diary is neccessairily true either - it can be just an outlet for all sorts of things and to me feels like an invasion of someones privacy.

Ubik1 · 28/12/2013 15:50

Oh course you should read get texts -she's 12!

But surely you remember all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff at school?

It's tough but she will be learning life lessons, so you have to let her get on with it.

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