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AIBU?

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Original poster

I read her text - I know I am!!

102 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 14:35

My 12-year-old dd's phone was lying on top of my bed earlier, I heard a beep & picked it up as she had been texting her dad whilst I was in shower.

Turned out to be from a boy in her class. A boy who is 'going out' with a friend of hers.. A boy who has been described to us as being geeky, smelly, ugly etc.... (Of course I am aware when you're 12 that's how you describe boys!!!)

But the texts suggest to me they're boyfriend & girlfriend. Sad

Reading through the text messages he called her on Christmas Day, she called him late last night when in bed etc.. She sent him a message earlier with some one direction quote in it.

I know I shouldn't have read her text messages, but I feel sick. She's just 12 (a few days ago) but I know it's nothing serious, but the texts from her have been heavy, ending in hearts etc... His are silly ones telling her he's been on wii/xbox etc.

They also refer to a girl P who seems to be stuck in middle ie: 'P told me to text you'

I just said to her "who's xxxx? Is that the dude S is 'going out' with?" She said he's a boy in my class, S thinks they're going out, but he says they're not. Were you reading my phone?"

I said yes, (no point lying) she said they're just friends but went all red.

I don't make a habit of reading her texts, never have, she knows that. But she's going to tell me even less now, isn't she!

I just don't want her to come across all needy & 'in love' with some spotty little shit who's going to laugh & make fun of her at school.

Neurotic (as well as untrustworthy) mother here Sad

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 28/12/2013 15:51

I'm another who thinks yanbu to read your dd's phone. I wish my mum had read mine at that age. I'd be worrying too that she was going to be made a fool of and get all the fall out when the other girl finds out. But they have to learn I suppose.

RunRabbit · 28/12/2013 16:10

Quite worrying to see how many people see safeguarding a 12 year child as 'invading their privacy' Hmm

What if she was receiving inappropriate texts? How would you find out? She's not going to tell you is she.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 16:12

I'm going to apologise one more time for the spotty remark, and add that I have a DS too so I wasn't meaning to be sexist in any way. It's just how dd & her friends described him to me when they were here for her birthday.

Have had a hot chocolate & a chat with dd. I might be more annoyed about reading her messages than she is....!!

I said sorry for reading your message, explained I thought it had been her daddy etc & she said yea, whatever. I said ok, just so you know, I don't read your texts but may from time yo time to make sure you're safe (the phone is a new one, birthday just before Christmas) she said ok.

So I asked again about the boy, he's not her boyfriend, he's a friend, apparently he's not her friends boyfriend either. He's everyone's friend & dd said she ends all her texts with heart symbols...

I just had a chat about talking to me & that it wasn't the 'boyfriend' thing concerned me, more that I'm kinda old fashioned & need to be educated on stuff. We were ok in the end and she's sitting here beside me watching tv.

OP posts:
LadyJx · 28/12/2013 16:15

*You read her texts?

That's pretty low and quite a disgusting invasion of privacy.

Why not read her diary over dinner too?*

Ridiculous response...

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 28/12/2013 16:17

i am not going to comment on the 12 yo BF angst

i just want to say that i think it is more than sensible to monitor text messages and internet use, tablet use - any technology

I made it a condition in fact - they can have a phone but i will read their messages.

these are not thoughts in a diary, this is stuff that can be put on line and used against them, kids these days grow up in a world which can devestate them if used incorrectly, bullying, online photos etc. It needs to be monitored

if you had said ' i read dds diary, i would say - no , not right, they are her personal thoughts

but mobile phones are different imo

NoComet · 28/12/2013 16:22

Never ever ever let on to your DCs you have read their phone.

I have been known to cast a very occasional eyeball, mainly because she had a primary DF who wasn't careful about posting full names etc. while being rude about people. Also I flick an eyeball across instagram if it's open. I have never seen any dubious selfies, but I do like to keep an eye open.

cantheyseeme · 28/12/2013 16:35

I have to say i got myself into some pretty heavy shit at 13 due to being unsupervised with a mobile phone and thinking i was much more grown up than i was. If i was even threatened with my parents looking through my phone i wouldnt have got myself in that situation at all. I know i will definately be going through phones when my dds are old enough.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 28/12/2013 16:37

i think its best to say
have this phone - the condition attached is that i can look at it when i want

the underlying expectation therefore is that they wont do anything stupid

my dd almost got herself into a world of shit at 15 - if it wern't for me reading her phone

be honest an open about reading it - then you dont have to lie - everything is out there and there are not any dashed confidences

if they are putting shit on the phone they dont want you to see - it shouldn't be there in the first place i think

MissBeehiving · 28/12/2013 16:55

Agree with the other posters who say that reading texts is not an "invasion" of privacy. What a ridiculous thing to say.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 28/12/2013 16:56

If you don't check the tech how are you supposed to keep an eye on your pre teens and teens?
My daughter knows I check all her tech every now and again. She's not allowed to delete her history either but that all shows up on my laptop anyway because they are connected. I would rather invade her privacy than have her do something incredibly stupid and dangerous.
My mum used to read my diary and it never bothered me and I used to write some pretty distressing things in it when my boyfriend died. If my mum hadn't read it she wouldn't have known how much I wanted to kill myself and stepped in and got me seen by a doctor pretty quick. Thanks to my mum being nosey she got me sorted out.
Don't all jump on the privacy bandwagon though. Kids need protecting from themselves sometimes.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus · 28/12/2013 17:20

At just 12, I think it's totally fine and actually responsible to check text messages. You should be doing that. Your DD should know that you are "allowed" to check them whenever you want.

Talking about that other child like that though... That is pretty disgusting, even if you are saying that you weren't being sexist etc. It's totally wrong to talk about a kid like that.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 17:51

Thanks for all the opinions & assistance to look outside my own comfort zone.

:)

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 28/12/2013 18:00

She'll put a password on her phone now. (if she hasn't already)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 28/12/2013 18:02

As, if it was my ds texting your dd, I think you'd have every right to call him a spotty little shit (only he's not spotty) ;)

Sounds like you dealt with it well.

I'm off to check ds' phone.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 18:02

neil she's only just turned 12yrs old.

If she puts a password on her phone, one would hope the OP would confiscate it.

cantheyseeme · 28/12/2013 18:02

Then it should be confiscated.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 18:04

So ghostly, is the OP's DD a spotty little shit too?

Remember the texts are going 2 ways....back and forth.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 28/12/2013 18:10

I think she might be -

I feel op was letting off steam and it doesn't come across that she has a particular aversion to 12 yr old males.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 28/12/2013 18:14

If she puts a password on it, it will be confiscated. Without a doubt.

If this leaves me out of my depth how will I cope when there's real problems to deal with Blush

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 28/12/2013 18:16

I read my DS (12) phone and check his Instagram account. His safety takes precedent over privacy. He is a child and I am his parent so I think it's right and proper I should do this.
DS and his friends are mad about girls all of a sudden, and it's reciprocated. In reality asking a girl out simply means adding their name to their own on BBm. As DC says, none of these 'couple' actually ever go anywhere. He chuckles about one boy who doesn't have the courage to speak to his 'girlfriend' when they're in the same room. All very, very normal stuff imho.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 28/12/2013 18:19

hello OP fwiw I think you did the right thing my dd is almost 10 but when she is 12 I will be monitoring the lot because its my job to.
Kids of this age don't need much privacy, if you encourage openness she will tell you everything anyway, but still best to monitor imo.

emptychair · 28/12/2013 18:39

Another one who thinks you did the right thing.

My DC are too young to have phones but DS has a tablet and a condition of him having it is that I can pick it up and go through it randomly, checking what games he has downloaded etc. Same will apply to a phone, social media account etc. E-safety comes waaaayyyyy before my child's privacy. My DSD was allowed to change her phone/facebook etc passwords to ones her mum didn't know on her 16th birthday.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 28/12/2013 19:10

Agree with those who feel this is NOT an invasion of their privacy. A mobile phone is a privilege and not a right, entering room without knocking, at this age, is invasion of privacy not looking at their phones. She is only just 12 years old, and still very young. I tell my children 14 & 12 I will check their phones, albeit not often but I never mention it when I have, and wouldn't unless I felt it absolutely necessary, ie they were being bullied Or being a bully themselves. At the end of the day, if they know you are looking from time to time it sets limits. Agree with person who you can't win if you do not check how can you be sure they are safe online.
Everyone will have their own opinion , think it through and do what is right for you and your family.
I do think its normal behaviour for some 12 year olds
I would not apologise as you are sending the message that you Have done something wrong, IMO you have not. My oh are being a responsible parent.

Joysmum · 28/12/2013 19:15

My dd was told in no uncertain terms that we expect to be able to check up on her as a condition of her being allowed her smartphone and laptop.

She has the choice, agree, or not have it. Easy.

Numerous kids have been bullied, tricked and groomed and we want to monitor to know she's not in danger of being a victim.

NumptyNameChange · 28/12/2013 19:18

i'm so glad lots more people with common sense and awareness of what it means to be a parent joined the thread. the beginning really worried me with all the oh that's private, you must apologise, you're disgusting nonsense.

imho a 12yo should not have a mobile phone in their bedroom at night - would you have a laptop in there? some people on mn won't even have a tv monitor in their rooms yet i suspect see a mobile phone as harmless which is utterly bizarre.

tbh i don't see the need for a 12 yo to have a mobile. if it's 'they need because they get the bus to school' or 'it's so they can check in when they're playing out' then surely they only need the phone at those times? so like a spare pay as you go house mobile that is there for those times and for if anyone's phone breaks. the idea they need a personal, in their pocket, in their bedroom, it's theirs and it's 'private' and accessible 24hrs a day phone seems nonsense to me and both dangerous and distracting.

presumably people wouldn't let their children who are studying, taking part in family life, still developing etc have 24hrs a day access to a computer but maybe aren't making the connection that a phone IS pretty much a computer now. lots of people needing to wake up i think.

everyone could do with being sent a page of links to 'staying safe online' resources relating to children and teens i think - maybe something schools should be sending out.

actually i would love it if mnhq wanted to do a campaign and produce a guide that came high on search engines for parents looking for help. i would be happy to help (lots of experience in education and pastoral care for teens) and my old boss has some fantastic resources that are really engaging.