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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this level of drink is too much.....

100 replies

Feckadeck · 28/12/2013 14:20

...and that I am not wrong in worrying about my daughter growing up around it?

Mil and step FIL visiting us for month. They drink every single night...not drunk but think because they have high tolerance due to levels they drink. It's not just one or two either. They do same at home so nothing to do with them being here. On last visits I let it slide as not really my business but now I have a 10 week old dd. I am so worried about future family events and fact drink will always be involved....actually will like be involved every single time we around them in evening or anytime we out fork unch (eg drank at lunch in family cafe yesterday!) I don't see that as being a good situation for my daughter to grow up around. I realise I can't control what other people do. But it. Des concern me.

As a secondary issue my DH drinks more when they here as always being offered drink. I told him my concerns about my alcohol but he dismisses them. Him and step FIL went put last night and came home drunk...I was asleep thankfully but woke to sound of husband vomiting in ensuit then baby woke up and I struggled to settle whilst he slept like log! I know that is not in,was fault and I will speak to DH about it but I just know he will dismiss me. He doesn't go out more than maybe monthly but does drink too much when he does go out, he doesn't regularly drink in house.

I think inlaws have a drink problem but realise I am in danger of seeming judge!am just worried for my dd. AIBU?

OP posts:

marvindarvin · 28/12/2013 14:26

I think what you need is objective confirmation that it's too much, healthwise, probably, to convince him? From your post I don't know if you're just teetotal and a party pooper, or you have an honest concern for the wellbeing of your DH/future DD's behaviour. (The being sick thing isn't great, but we've all been there on occasion - doesn't make it any nicer for you though!)

What kind of drinking levels are we talking about?

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 14:35

My litmus test would be this: is your dh too drunk every night to be responsible for your dd? If so then he is bvu. Why should you be constantly responsible just because his family are there?

He sounds to have a fairly normal attitude most of the time, so I would start putting my foot down. Either he doesn't drink as much when they come to you, or they don't come to you as much!

Grennie · 28/12/2013 14:39

Drinking so regularly will not be good for your in laws health. But if they are not actually drunk, I don't see how it would be an issue for your DC to see them drinking.

MammaTJ · 28/12/2013 14:39

How do they behave when they are drinking?

maddy68 · 28/12/2013 14:49

I wouldn't worry about it, your child isn't exposed to it every day, yes your dh drinks more when they are there, I always drink more when people are here too.
I think you are worrying unnecessarily

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2013 14:52

I'd worry too. Drinking every day for a month. Not just one or two? Drinking until vomiting?
Red flags all.

pregnantpause · 28/12/2013 14:58

So your dh has a healthy relationship toward alcohol generally, yet he grew up under their influence. I don't think your dd will notice tbh, of course if they were drunk yes, but, while it's not good for their health I don't think it will influence your DC. My grandmother smoked heavily through my childhood, never influenced me, I abhor smoking!

littlewhitechristmasbag · 28/12/2013 15:02

How much are they drinking each day? It is hard to judge without knowing quantities.

SofaKing · 28/12/2013 15:06

I have this problem with my in laws too, they drink about three or four bottles of rum a week between them at home.
We have three DC, the eldest of whom is six, and since his birth they have made more of an effort not to drink in front of the DC. They still drink far too much and start at lunchtime but the children haven't noticed or commented on the fact that they drink far more than dh and I.

I am really not sure what to do, I think it is unreasonable and precious to ask them not to drink in front of my DC, and they seldom get very drunk as they have a high tolerance so I can't say it is because they are drunk in front of the kids. At the same time I don't want the children to think drinking this much is normal. My dad was an alcoholic so I know how easily it can seem normal to children.

Original poster

Feckadeck · 28/12/2013 18:36

Sorry got caught up in rl will try to answer your questions now:

It's mostly concern for DH well being as feel he binge drinks. And concern for dd's future relationship with alcohol. I am teetotal now as ebf but did enjoy a wine or two before pregnancy - just feel we should be past the throwing up stage! I'd like him to enjoy a few drinks and come home and hold decent conversation with me. He's not awful but for instance he has went back to bed now at lunchtime!!! I've done all the laundry and caring for dd today on own mainly. Side issue from real issue of the over drinking being bad for health and dd future relationship with booze.

The inlaws drink maybe bottle of wine (her) and 4 beers maybe I lose count. They aren't inappropriate or cause issues for us. They do same at home and whilst u don't think it is healthy. At all it's not my place to judge really. My concern is more for impact it will have on dd's view of drinking.

Pregnantpause his mum never really drank this level when he was in house with her and his dad. It is more in her later her later years with her new husband that they daily drinking started. Plus I am not sure DH does have a heathy relationship to alcohol. Whilst he does not drink or feel need to drink daily when he does drink he doesn't seem to know when to stop. Even when we went for dinner together for first time since dd born he drank. Wine and whiskey and whilst not falling down drunk he definitely wasn't himself by end of night which ruined it a bit for me.

SofaKing you concerns re your inlaws I'm your second paragraph is pretty what my thoughts on my inlaws drinking is too.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 28/12/2013 18:41

I don't think it's any of your business unless they behave badly when drunk. If they were to (eg) get rude, or aggressive, or puke all over the place because of the drink it would be reasonable to refuse to have them round to visit, but if they just drink a lot (and, presumably, bring their own rather than necking all yours) then it really is up to them.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/12/2013 18:43

Oh, and WRT your H - if he only drinks too much when they are around then it's not worth worrying about (though make sure you get a day off from childcare and housework once he's over his hangover).

CustardOmlet · 28/12/2013 18:54

I had a similar situation where older relative complained to FIL that there was no alcohol at DS's 1st birthday. It didn't effect me or DS directly but it caused tention at what should have been a lovely family event. I can certainly see how you would be upset by it, regardless of how drunk they are

Original poster

Feckadeck · 28/12/2013 19:07

Sbg no I don't suppose it is any of my business what they do but they are in my house and I do feel it is my business to consider what impact seing them drinking every evening or lunchtime family meal out will have on my dd as she grows up. Like custard's relative I've feeling they'd think nothung of having alcohol at dd birthdays in future. Also makes me reluctant to have them say babysit in future as I'd be worried they'd be drinking!

OP posts:

Original poster

Feckadeck · 28/12/2013 19:08

And before anyone gets mad...they would want to babysit it's not that is need them to!

OP posts:

Dolcelatte · 28/12/2013 19:44

Why are they visiting for a month? Do they live abroad? I think any family living cheek by jowl for so long is going to experience a few tensions, especially if the in laws enjoy a drink or three and you are teetotal.

I know parents worry but if your DD is only 10 weeks old, don't you have more pressing things to worry about, such as getting enough sleep, feeding her, worrying whether she will catch some nasty disease, whether to go back to work, money, whether you can afford her education, whether she will be able to find a job, buy a home, the state of the world, the universe etc etc.

You sound a bit of a control freak and a bore, TBH. Why wouldn't your husband want to relax with a few drinks on his first night out after the birth?

Dolcelatte · 28/12/2013 19:48

You sound a bit of a control freak and a bore, TBH. Why wouldn't your husband want to relax with a few drinks on his first night out after the birth?

Dolcelatte · 28/12/2013 19:49

sorry for duplication!

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 19:57

I don't really understand your problem with them drinking if they are not drunk? They are adults and can make their own decisions. I would assume that your daughter wouldn't see much of the evening drinking as she would be in bed?

Every single time I go to my Gran's (after lunchtime) I get offered a glass of wine. Every time I accept, I really don't think that this will psychologically affect my daughter.

I presume with the fact they are visiting for a month that you don't actually spend a huge amount of time with the in laws, if this is the case then I very much doubt that there will be a long term impact on your daughters views of alcohol.

As for your husband - well most of us have been in that unfortunate position, and no doubt sworn to god that we will never ever touch a drop of alcohol again (until next time). I also know that if I'm staying with my parents they drink more than normal as do I. Doesn't mean we have a problem.

What is it your actually wanting? To stop them drinking? To stop DH from drinking?

HopeClearwater · 28/12/2013 20:10

Dolcelatte No need to call the OP a control freak and a bore. Nothing more boring than a woman defending a man for going out and getting shitfaced. Why are they allowed to when it immediately puts all the responsibility for the care of the baby on their return on to the mother? I bet it wasn't arranged that he could get boringly drunk. The OP has already said that once her DH has started, he can't seem to stop. Massive red flag there.

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 20:19

Why are they allowed to when it immediately puts all the responsibility for the care of the baby on their return on to the mother?

Really? So he shouldn't go out for an evening with his father and have a few drinks?

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 20:22

dolcelatte nice minimising you did there. 'Relax with a few drinks'. No, he drank so much he was puking into their ensuite and woke OP and the baby up. How do you know it was his first night out since their dd was born?

How dare OP (who is a control freak and a bore?!) moan, especially as he seems to be drinking a lot now his parents are there, should she stop being a party pooper and look after her baby by herself?

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 20:23

Same to you ladyjx also minimising to suit your own argument

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 20:27

Ok fine why should he not go out for one evening and get shit faced ONE night. She said he is drinking more other nights but certainly that particular one night would appear to be a one off. It is a bit selfish but it was one night.

Tell him he was selfish yes but to be this worried because he is having a few drinks on other evenings seems a bit OTT

Lulu1083 · 28/12/2013 21:17

My oh goes out and gets shit faced pretty much once a week, and so do I ladyjx I have no problem with 'time off' or whatever you'd like to call it.

What would concern me is the few drinks every night while his parents are there, fine if you've got older dc but with a 10 week old, that's giving yourself a whole month off! Not on.

OP I wouldn't start to worry about issues towards alcohol until dd is old enough to notice

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