To think this level of drink is too much.....

[Feckadeck]

...and that I am not wrong in worrying about my daughter growing up around it?

Mil and step FIL visiting us for month. They drink every single night...not drunk but think because they have high tolerance due to levels they drink. It's not just one or two either. They do same at home so nothing to do with them being here. On last visits I let it slide as not really my business but now I have a 10 week old dd. I am so worried about future family events and fact drink will always be involved....actually will like be involved every single time we around them in evening or anytime we out fork unch (eg drank at lunch in family cafe yesterday!) I don't see that as being a good situation for my daughter to grow up around. I realise I can't control what other people do. But it. Des concern me.

As a secondary issue my DH drinks more when they here as always being offered drink. I told him my concerns about my alcohol but he dismisses them. Him and step FIL went put last night and came home drunk...I was asleep thankfully but woke to sound of husband vomiting in ensuit then baby woke up and I struggled to settle whilst he slept like log! I know that is not in,was fault and I will speak to DH about it but I just know he will dismiss me. He doesn't go out more than maybe monthly but does drink too much when he does go out, he doesn't regularly drink in house.

I think inlaws have a drink problem but realise I am in danger of seeming judge!am just worried for my dd. AIBU?

My parents drank every day - as soon as the clock said 5pm it was time for sherry, wine with dinner, liqueurs before bed.

They also had a G&T at lunch in addition to this at the weekend.

My sister is an alcoholic. Nothing to do with my parents drinking I think but everything to do with her being emotionally abused and neglected at her very expensive boarding school then being pretty much abandoned by my parents at 17 to shift for herself in poverty, while my parents lived a life of luxury abroad.

BTW - daily drinking doesn't always impact on health in a negative way. My mum is 79 and in good health, still drinking a small amount daily. My dad died at 80, after a short illness.

Alcoholism is about more than alcohol and exposure to it.

We all overdo it occasionally but bottle of wine EVERY night is not healthy and when folk start to justify that it is ok then even more red flags appear.

My ex couldn't possibly be an alcoholic because he only drank beer so he said. It still got him drunk enough to the point where his behaviour was embarrassing, intolerable and downright nasty. But hey he's not an alcoholic. So he said

If an parent drinks every day or most days to the point that they are unable to drive (just a couple of glasses then) it affects the whole household. The other parent needs to not drink to pick up the slack.

Why do you think this? Do you mean so they can drive somewhere in an emergency? DH drinks about 2 beers or 3 vodkas a night and we don't have a car. So that isn't true in our case.

BTW - daily drinking doesn't always impact on health in a negative way. My mum is 79 and in good health, still drinking a small amount daily. My dad died at 80, after a short illness.

If this is the case AND like the OPs PILs (and me and DH) their behaviour doesn't change (you'll have to just take my word for that) then what is the big problem? I think people mean well, but look thru their own lenses at alcohol and refuse to believe that others can consume more while staying healthy and not altering their behaviour. I think it cements that their way is best and any deviation must be alcoholism. Also there is no argument anyone can put forward which will be considered because it can all be ignored or explained away by denial, lying, etc - in which case there is just no point to discussing it with people, which then makes them more convinced they are right.

And as for the money, my wine costs £2.99-£4 usually, so about £15 a week (as i said it is 4-5 bottles a week) and is about the same as DH spends on his drinks.

I was waiting for someone to go 'but what about driiiiiiving?' Do you think that car-free parents should have their DC taken into care or something?
The fact that most mundanes are dependent upon car ownership to the detriment of the environment (and public health) is actually a bigger problem than some people's enjoyment of alcohol at a higher level than the government's spurious guidelines.

Small amounts daily are ok but a bottle a day? Your doctor will confirm likewise in a few years when health problems appear

Actually i don't agree Pinkspotty, I know loads of people who drink that amount and have done their entire lives, all are healthy, as am i. It is a choice i am willing to make. Unless you know someones metabolism, build, capacity etc i think the 'guidelines' are generalisations based on norms. I do not have an 'average' build or capacity. My doctors have never been concerned at all. In fact when i used to smoke the odd fag occasionally they were much more worried about that.

Sorry for the MErailment OP. I am just trying to tell an honest different opinion of that level of consumption for me.

Well, it's not just about actual driving. But the point I'm making is that the drink drive limits are set because alcohol affects a person's reaction times and cognitive processing. If one person is always ove the limit then it's reasonable to suggest they might be less capable than the parent who isn't.
So the non drinking parent is being expected to pick up the slack.
I wouldn't expect a babysitter to consume a bottle of wine whilst in charge of my children.
I don't have any personal "issues" with alcohol. I do drink.
I rarely drink now I have DCs because they need me sharp and sober.

But why are you assuming there is a non drinking parent? We don't take it in turns, we both drink and are very sharp in our responses. I honestly cannot imagine feeling even remotely tipsy after drinking a 175ml glass of wine mixed with ice and soda every 1-1.5 hours (so 4 over 5-6 hours) and having eaten a big meal.

Also the drink drive limits do not take in the size of a person, the metabolism and the amount of food consumed. I recall reading on the website once this can all make the blood alcohol different in different people which is why they advise to not drink at all when driving - as neither of us would. However, there are plenty of parents who both drink while at home with dc. I also would not have a problem with someone drinking wine if looking after DS - i would only leave ds with someone i trusted to not drink till they felt tipsy. In fact i would leave wine/beer out for someone kind enough to offer to babysit.

I'm not assuming there's a non drinking parent.
I'm talking about the situation the op describes. Which includes her as a non drinking parent.

Drinking "over the limit" every day is not good for relationships, bodies or children IMHO.

I was referring to the weekly consumption guidleines, not the limit for drivers (about which I have no idea and don't care).

Do you think that car free parents should have their DCs taken into care or something ?

I'm not sure why you would ask that. Given that I haven't seen anyone make that sort of suggestion or express that level of concern.

As I said, it's not really just about actual driving. I just think the "limit" is a useful (although admittedly broad) marker for being capable. Maybe it's different with older DCs who require less supervision and hands- the are.
But if the way you normally get about/ transport your DCs is to drive, then opting out of that by drinking every day/ night leaves the sober parent (if there is one) to do that.
If my dh drank every night and was therefore incapable of transporting DCs back and forth to whatever they were up to, then he would be leaving that to me (or vice versa) indon't think that's fair every night.

And I think it's unpleasant for children to see their parents drinking heavily (a bottle of wine each would be heavy, in my view) and frequently.

hands the- are = hands- on care.

Wow I haven't lived in the UK for a long time (18+) years and it shows. PILs drinking on a daily basis, plus lunch, relatives expecting alcohol at a baby's birthday and drinking close to a bottle of wine a day would not be in the realms of "normal" alcohol consumption in the US and Germany where I have been living.

And I live in a wine region, our small village has about 10+ wineries.

That level of alcohol consumpttion is not normal in the UK, whatever individuals may kid themselves.

Having alcohol at a babies birthday is more normal. So a glass of wine and some adult nibbles would be fairly normal.

I have known several heavy drinkers and two of them died from it. It's interesting that they all used the same phrases to describe their relationship with alcohol:

'I have no problem with alcohol'
'It doesn't really affect me'
'I am in control of my drinking'
'I could stop any time I wanted, but I choose not to'

This denial seems to be a common aspect of addiction, and it comes to mind when reading some of these posts.

Three people getting drunk every night when there are small kids in the house is weird. (And yes, they're drunk, no matter how well they're handling it.)

And of course since they're drunk you can't even leave your child in their care whilst you have a bath or whatever.

Every so often at my sister's job (A&E) there'll be an injured kid brought in on an evening, the family will all have come in a taxi or something because there wasn't a sober adult in the house. And she's like, WTF, is it someone's birthday?

People who HAVE TO drink every night have problems.

If you suggested that they all just enjoy ginger beer or something, you know they would act as though their human rights were being abused. For them, the alcohol is more important than your (or anyone's) feelings. That's kind of all you need to know.

Matilda that's hardly a measure. I am very small and wouldn't drive a car after even half a glass of wine, especially if I was heading to hospital where staff would no doubt (rightly) call the police if they suspected drunk driving. If anything happened to my dc in that situation of course id call a taxi.

Yeah, but just everyone in the house being drunk every single night? With a little kid around? That's crazy.

OP, do they know how you feel?

The problem, Sallying, is those statements are often true from people who genuinely don't have a problem. You can only tell if you know them and their circumstances. There seems to be a MN obsession with diagnosing things from others posts. Most of these diagnosis rely on quite a lot of projection and personal experience filters, and of course a total lack of imagination that the poster could actually be telling the truth - they couldn't possibly be could they? as that may make you...wrong As i said before this is a discussion never won by the diagnosee as anything they say can be seen as denial. It seems the only response which would satisfy some is the immediate acceptance of their diagnosis, throwing yourself on the floor for mercy and begging for forgiveness. It's all part of the redemption cycle so popularised in certain media-ised 'therapy' cultures such as Oprah etc. But sadly, the truth seems totally irrelevant. This is why these discussions become so frustrating, because the voices you mainly hear are those stuck on send and never on receive.

People who HAVE TO drink every night have problems. i sort of agree, if you get annoyed/irritated if you can't drink every night you may have to ask why you need to. But if you just like and can happily skip it, and there is no adverse affects, then really what is the problem?

The problem is that a house in which all the adults are drunk, every night, is a terrible environment for little kids.

Yes, i agree, if 'drunk' ie behaviour altered. If not altered, as the OP has said i don't see a problem. There really are people it does not affect like others.

After drinking a bottle of wine, a person is drunk. There's no getting around that.

It's clearly important to you to convince others that drinking a lot of alcohol is actually okay, and that those upset by it are all mistaken. Maybe have a think about that?

I know a few ppl who drink 1/2 to 1 bottle of wine every night.
It's always naice wine. Usually "with a meal".
I know they think their behaviour isn't affected by it (just like I can remember ppl at uni saying the dope hadn't affected them )
And they're all kidding themselves.
And I don't think any of them would say that they couldn't do without it.
But I've never seen them try either.

I know they think their behaviour isn't affected by it (just like I can remember ppl at uni saying the dope hadn't affected them [hmm[ )

I remember that! And an argument with an international acquaintance in a chatroom who swore blind that dope "improved" his driving

It took years for my my mother to accept I can tell when she's had alcohol. Shortly after I left home, I told her that every time she phoned drunk, I would say, "not talking to you now, you're drunk".

It took years before she stopped calling me when drunk. I'm not even certain she has actively realised that I can tell, as opposed to "Jessie is horrible to me so I'll drink-dial someone else". I would get irate texts about how "you always say that, i haven't drunk for weeks". Often with interesting, rather revealing spelling mistakes in there. What she meant of course, is "I've only had a little, and not enough to affect my behaviour in my opinion, so I am absolutely sure Jessie is paranoid/trying to hurt me".

It is not important to me to convince others anything regarding drinking specifically. It is important for me to express how different people may have completely different experiences to others. (Why is it so important for you to convince others YOU are right? Perhaps you should also have a think about that?) However, everyone on here is so utterly convinced that their opinion is right and seems incapable of even considering there are some who may respond differently. So i shall say it simply, drinking 1 bottle of wine over 2 hrs may make someone drunk (definitely me), drinking 1 bottle of wine over several hours may not. Have you never been to a wedding and had a small glass of champagne at noon, another at 2pm, another at 4 etc till actually at the end of the day you may have consumed a bottle without feeling any effect at all? This is very different from the effect of necking a bottle in half an hour. But just repeating 'drinking a bottle of wine' of course totally ignores the complete difference in the detail of that.

As for saying you can do without it - but not trying, i haven't had a drink since Friday and wont till this Friday. We are at PILs and they don't drink - so neither do we. We don't have any kind of problem with that. And as we are now ttc we wont be drinking as much either - there is no sacrifice at all. I just don't see the point in making a martyr of yourself if there is no reason to, and you genuinely enjoy it.