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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be stressed out about having sons due to being the MIL?

104 replies

Milinthemaking · 28/12/2013 10:20

Honestly, it does worry me.

I have no children yet but am in my 30s so should get a move on. But I am worried about potentially having no daughters and ending up always being the MIL!

I can't imagine having babies, raising them, loving them and then being seen as an annoyance at best. I have read stories about presents for children being binned as the mother didn't like it (on another forum) daughters in law refusing to spend Christmas at the in laws and just general MIL hatred!

My own upbringing meant we rarely saw my dads parents but saw loads of my mothers.

Please, are there ANY positive MIL stories there??!

OP posts:
TheArticFunky · 28/12/2013 16:02

Treat your dil's as you would like to be treated and you won't go far wrong.

IrisWildthyme · 28/12/2013 16:24

The kind of people who become MILs from hell also seem to be mothers-from-hell to their own DC so, as someone above said, i's really just about not being a nightmare to deal with generally.

Some suggested rules:

  1. respect the ability of your adult children and their spouses to make their own decisions - these can be different decisions you would make yourself without being wrong. Make it clear that this means that you will respect and follow any rules, routines etc they may lay down for their own DC, even if you disagree with them, without comment or criticism.

  2. never try to get your own adult DC to choose between you and their spouse/partner - if you do, their correct choice will be to choose their partner, so never make them get to the point of choosing

  3. Don't try to be the centre of attention or make family events be all about you

  4. Never insist on staying with your DC, or make them stay with you, for more than 3 nights at a time - if they insist that this is really really what they want then it's fine. But nevertheless during visits of any length make sure you give them plenty of space to be alone together as well as spending time with you - even if you have a brilliant and happy relationship with them, they will appreciate this.

  5. Always ask before being helpful - and if they say that everything is OK and no help is required, graciously accept this, sit down and relax, een if you are itching to do some cleaning - sometimes help can be experienced as criticism. It is a lot better to ask "tell me what can I do to help" rather than deciding on something to do - NEVER, for example, decide unasked to wash the kitchen floor when you are staying with your DC and their spouse. ESPECIALLY not on Christmas day.

usualsuspect · 28/12/2013 16:55

Rules are.

Be yourself.

Steben · 28/12/2013 17:04

I don't think you are abnormal for worrying in advance about such things, lots of crazy what ifs crossed my mind before being pregnant. I think in reality the mil/dil one is difficult. I am one of three girls and none of us have great relationships with our mils but for very different reasons and are very close within our own family. However like the other posters on here have said unless you plan on being a psychotic mil you shouldn't have a problem.

TheBigJessie · 28/12/2013 17:36

I think kmc1111 made an excellent post. Very accurate.

I love my MIL and I have sons, but even if I hated her, I wouldn't worry for the future. It's all about taking enough responsibility for your actions to be capable of being a nice person. If you go into things automatically blaming other people for not liking you, instead of thinking "actually could she be justified? Oh fuck, I was a right nasty piece of work just then. I'll say sorry" then guess what? No-one likes you!

TheFabulousIdiot · 28/12/2013 17:40

You will still be a mil even if you have daughters, and anyway plenty of people find their own mothers hard to deal with.

curlew · 28/12/2013 18:27

"Treat your dil's as you would like to be treated and you won't go far wrong."

Actually, judging by Mumsnet, that isn't true. It's more " treat your dils the way they want to be treated- but you have to know what that is psychically"
And all these lists of how mils should behave make me smile. No rules for dils? Like remembering that her Dp had a relationship with his family of origin before she came along and may well want to continue it?

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 19:36

usual, get to the point, will'ya? Grin

But too right.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 28/12/2013 19:41

Mine is a wonderful lady with whom I can find no fault. I actually want her round ALL THE TIME because she is a calming lovely influence.

loveblackcats · 29/12/2013 04:08

OP, it's not wrong to wonder, some people on here have been harsh. I also think it's natural to wonder about stuff like this (I'm an introvert and a thinker), and that's no bad thing Smile

Ninasaurus · 29/12/2013 04:25

Very odd thing to worry about Hmm

Not something you can control at all.

Don't be afraid of being alone when you are older, there are no guarantees of companionship or close family nearby so learn to enjoy time alone. That is the only thing you can control.

Just appreciate the time you do presently spend with loved ones :)

Morloth · 29/12/2013 05:26

I am reading this crashed out on the lounge at my Inlaws house.

My luffly MIL has the kettle on and we aregoing to polish of the Christmas cake together.

We go on hols together, shop, have lunch etc.

None of which I do with my Mum (no problems we just have a different relationship).

There are no guarantees in how relationships might go.

Dolcelatte · 29/12/2013 06:43

OP. You don't need therapy. It's normal at Christmas to think about these things, when there is he emphasis on friends, family and loved ones. It's entirely normal to want a family and a deep and loving relationship with them as they grow and eventually marry.

But there are no guarantees in life. You may or may not be able to have DC; they may or may not be boys; they may or may not be healthy; they may or may not form relationships with their own or a different sex.

As a mother, your job will be to raise adults, to give your DC the confidence and skills to live their own separate lives, whether they be sons or daughters. It's the old cliché that it you love a thing you have to be prepared to let it go. If your DC can move on and be adults and lead independent lives, then you can give yourself a pat on the back.

However, of course they will always be your DC and if the relationship between you is strong and based on love and respect, they will come back. You should not put pressure on them or be needy or try to compete with their partners/spouses; just be yourself, be there for them, try not to criticise their life choices, and be there to pick up the pieces when necessary. Your role is to provide unconditional love. Do all of that - not always easy - and I don't see how you can ultimately fail.

Jenijena · 29/12/2013 07:01

I have always had a thing about being a mother of boys because let's face it some mils who are a little crazy are mothers of boys. When DS popped out and I gazed across at the table where they checked him over and saw a HUGE pile of genitalia (all relative of course) and said 'oh, so it's a boy then!' my greatest surprise wasn't that it was a boy (although I didn't know the flavour in advance) but that I didn't care at all about the fact he was a he.

And for what it's worth, since he was born, I've become much closer to my ( mob) mil.

But my son will be able to
-change his sheets
-cook for me when I visit him as an adult
-etc all the other things that DH learnt after leaving home

ComposHat · 29/12/2013 10:17

I've read a frw of the mother in law threads and thoml 'so so what? ' at the string of imaginary sloghts their mother on laws have perpetrated, it usually makes the writer of the post look demanding, selfish and princessy, so I wouldn't worry.

I think that in a lot of these posts the woman seems to have the attitude that her husband's mother is part of his ex-family 'he's got jis own family now' and resent the fact jis mother has any claim to her son's affection or time.

foreverondiet · 29/12/2013 10:29

YABU to worry about this before you have children. And yes would be a MIL regardless of whether you have sons or daughters!

I have minor issues with my MIL just like I do with my mum. But to be fair my MIL does treat me the same as my DH's sister.

Clunch · 29/12/2013 11:47

You could do what I did and have a child really late, so that by the time he's coupling up you'll possibly be dead...? Grin

tinselledUp · 29/12/2013 11:59

A lot of MIL threads aren't actually about MIL at all but about usually DH,DP.

If it helps had an O.k relationship with MIL before DC - which deteriorated rapidly once first DC was born and was very bad for years - now is great better than ever. The relationship has evolved and changed with time and effort.

Worry less - it's not like you can do anything before the DC are even born.

flippinada · 29/12/2013 12:03

I'm pretty sure that people who worry about being awful MILs are unlikely to be awful, iyswim.

It does seem an odd thing to worry about before you've even had children though.

flippinada · 29/12/2013 12:08

That's very true tinsel. Horrible in-laws are much less of an issue when your spouse or partner is on side and supports you.

Disclaimer - I have none myself and all the in-laws I know are nice people! Well, the vast majority anyway Smile .

OOAOML · 29/12/2013 12:11

The problem with the in law relationship I think is that they are not the family that brought you up, so they do things differently. There are things my in laws do that I think are weird, there are things my parents do that my husband thinks are weird. Christmas is a good example - my in laws had a very dominant matriarch when my husband was growing up and big family Christmases. They all lived close together. My family was large on my mother's side, small on my father's side and very geographically scattered. Christmas was 'just us', and I loved not travelling. Therefore the thought of big family Christmases every year is just not 'normal' for me. People just have to work through their own experiences and expectations, and decide what they want to do.

ComposHat · 29/12/2013 14:24

Horrible in-laws are much less of an issue when your spouse or partner is on side and supports you.

But that shouldn't mean taking the spouse or partner's side - right or wrong- against your parents simply because they are your partner. That's not support, that's being a doormat.

curlew · 29/12/2013 14:34

Horrible in-laws are much less of an issue when your spouse or partner is on side and supports you."

So you decide your in laws are horrible, and your spouse or partner has to agree with you and support you against his own parents and family of origin. Wow.

Suddenly I'm with the OP.......

flippinada · 29/12/2013 15:03

But some in-laws do behave horribly, obviously it's not an issue in emotionally healthy families where people get on and there's room for disagreements and differences etc.

curlew · 29/12/2013 15:12

"But some in-laws do behave horribly"

Yep. And of those that do, 50% are m/fils and 50% are d/sils.

The mumsnet given that mils are always in the wrong, and Dp/hs should support their partners in all things is just ridiculous.

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