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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be stressed out about having sons due to being the MIL?

104 replies

Milinthemaking · 28/12/2013 10:20

Honestly, it does worry me.

I have no children yet but am in my 30s so should get a move on. But I am worried about potentially having no daughters and ending up always being the MIL!

I can't imagine having babies, raising them, loving them and then being seen as an annoyance at best. I have read stories about presents for children being binned as the mother didn't like it (on another forum) daughters in law refusing to spend Christmas at the in laws and just general MIL hatred!

My own upbringing meant we rarely saw my dads parents but saw loads of my mothers.

Please, are there ANY positive MIL stories there??!

OP posts:

KrabbyPatty · 28/12/2013 10:58

Really?

I have a wonderful mil.

If you have sons, just hope they don't marry mean spirited women that moan about everything their mil does!

DizzyZebra · 28/12/2013 11:01

I don't get on with OHs mum but id give anything for exs mum to be my MIL.. Just without the ex!

I have two boys and a girl and i do worry about potential future DILs.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 11:12

See, I would probably worry more about potentially abusive SiLs for my non-existing daughters

drmelons · 28/12/2013 11:16

Be careful. My own MIL thought this from the word go. It became a self fulfilling prophecy, she ended up seeing every visit with my parents as evidence of favouritism and slowly became more and more bitter and manipulative as a result. last year we had a weekend away and my parents looked after the children. My BIL actually asked us not to tell MIL as it would mean that he would get a long whiny phone call slagging us off about!

kmc1111 · 28/12/2013 11:25

If you raise sons who actually care for you, love you and want to be around you, you'll have no issues whoever they marry. Your (imaginary) sons will have their own minds and free will. If they want a relationship with you, they'll have one. If they want to keep away, they will.

My MIL thinks I stop DH from being more involved in her life. I couldn't care less. If he wanted to see her everyday, fine. If he never wanted to see her again, fine. I literally have zero involvement in his relationship with her, but because she doesn't want to admit to herself that he simply doesn't want to be around her, I'm blamed for the poor state of their relationship. BIL cut contact with her 7 years before he stated dating his DP, but according to MIL it's all her fault they don't talk.

Lot's of people cut contact with family they don't get along with once they start to build their own family. Not because their partner is set upon destroying the relationship, but because now they have their own family they don't need to cling to dysfunctional relationships just so they have someone.

I never understand the whole 'worried about having boys/being the MIL' thing. A) If you manage to alienate and drive away your sons and piss off their partners, what makes you think daughters would find you anymore tolerable to be around? B) if your kids marry, you'll be a dreaded MIL whether you have boys or girls and finally C) there's a pretty decent chance your son will marry a man.

Mim78 · 28/12/2013 11:34

I get on really well with my MIL, she is lovely.

Best advice for a MIL is to see what help DIL wants when she has a baby and offer that, not the help you would prefer to give.

hedwiggywiggerson · 28/12/2013 11:43

I have young sons, this doesn't worry me. My own Mil is lovely and before she became ill she spent a lot more time with the ds's than my own mum did (my mum worked ft and didn't have as much free time to spend with them).

Saw all my grandparents equally but was closer to my dads parents esp his mum, the mil.

I'm bringing my boys up with equal input from all sides of the family luckily all local and non barking which helps

FirstStopCafe · 28/12/2013 11:46

I don't get on with my mil but I don't worry about being a mil because I'm nice

Cerisier · 28/12/2013 12:05

OP remember you only see the bad stories and relationships played out usually on MN. Please don't over think things.

My story- I get on better with my MIL than my own DM. MIL is very interested and involved, has been a great help over the years and is always very complimentary about how DH and I do things. I love her to bits.

FestiveYoni · 28/12/2013 12:14

Op your complaints come up regularly from mothers of sons on here.

I have not read the thread but you have to remember most women come on here to get help with difficult in laws and its obvious from their posts they have been door mats and tried to be as accommodating to very demanding MILS as they can be, when then come on here to complain they are at the end of their tethers.

It also becomes clear that many DILS have simply had over bearing and competitive MILS to contend with.

Usually a MIL will come on and say she does not interested or criticise the DIL, and takes a laid back relaxed approach to the DILS way of doing things, this is the best way for anyone to get on with anyone.
You would not accept anyone coming into your home and telling you its dirty, you do not take care of your DC well and so on, so why is it expected tat DILS should put up with it.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 12:18

I do worry that I will grow old, alone with no husband or children. I worry that if I do have the much coveted husband and children I will lose them anyway.

Sorry if mentioning therapy offends you OP, but thinking like this about a non- existant husband and children isn't exactly making you sound rational and balanced.

Lilicat1013 · 28/12/2013 12:21

Most people post about their MIL because there is a problem or an issues, people rarely post to say everything is fine and they get on great so you are only seeing one side of it.

I have a MIL and although we don't always get on perfectly I like her, I respect her and I appreciate what she does for us.

I like to encourage my children to have a close relationship with my husband's parents. They benefit greatly from being around their grandparents.

perplexedpirate · 28/12/2013 12:26

Mil only has sons, was apparently desperate for a dil, but then drove me away by being so very critical of our family.
I would have loved a good relationship with her, but despite the fact that I can see she is a good, kind, person, too much water has gone under the bridge.
If you are open, and welcoming to your dil, I can't see you'd have a problem.
Be critical and snide and you'll have a situation like ours.

MaddAddam · 28/12/2013 12:39

I've never had a problem with my ILs, especially MIL, we got on fine (in a slightly careful not-too-close way). Never argued. Always polite. Meanwhile I avoid my own parents like the plague whenever I can.

My sister similarly avoids our parents and gets on well with her MIL (I like that MIL too, we see her a lot and she's like a second MIL for me!).

ILs are a piece of cake compared to my own family.

But as other posters have said, people rarely post saying "My MIL is OK..."

Spermysextowel · 28/12/2013 12:40

When my DF died my (then) husband lamented that it hadn't been his mother. She has no joy in life, sucks the life out of others & generally is a misery. Occasionally I catch myself doing a Big Sigh just as she does & have to slap myself to remind me that this is not what I want for my family; not just future DILs but all of us.

Ledkr · 28/12/2013 12:46

I have 3 boys and no probs so far.
My ds3 partner is one of my closest friends now.
People are a bit ridiculous on here re mils.
My own mil has been a bit if an arse at times but I'm stil polite and nice and accept she is my dh's mother and dcs grandma.
As long as you are reasonable there should be no problem.

BigBirthdayGloom · 28/12/2013 12:55

My mother has two daughters. She sees one (me) every couple of months and never without her sil in attendance. It's amicable but I always feel relieved when she goes and would never confide in her, choose to shop with her or any if the things you're supposed to do with a mother. She has been estranged from the other for ten years or more and has had the first Christmas spending time in the same room as her this year.

I adore my mil. She is wise, funny, tolerant, encouraging, generous, amazing with her gc and I text or call her most days. Her visits are always too short.

It will be okay. Honestly. You will have learnt everything you need to know from mil threads here. Basically, if you're decent to each other and respect each other's roles, it'll work out just fine.

NigellasDealer · 28/12/2013 12:56

tbh it is the least of your problems to come.....

stopgap · 28/12/2013 13:22

I cannot relate to the MIL-hating threads on Mumsnet AT ALL. I get along brilliantly with my MIL. She's artistic, funny, opinionated, not a wallflower, but she is utterly dependable, self-deprecating and warm.

My father loves his MIL, too. They are a bit of a comedy act when together.

DontmindifIdo · 28/12/2013 13:31

You know, you might not see your DGC, not because you're hte MIL from hell, but because you might become the hard work, needy mother (of either a son or a daughter).

I get on far better with my MIL than my DM, but then my MIL is a far easier and nicer person to be around.

Try not to be hard work and difficult, try not to be unkind and a drama queen, and your DCs will want to be with you when you grow up. Build a good relationship with your DC's DP/W/H, they will enjoy having you around.

notadoctor · 28/12/2013 13:37

My DH finds my Mum much harder work than I find his. Like all relationships, it just depends on chemistry. And people just like to let off steam and forums like these - I wouldn't take a lot of it too seriously!

octopusinasantasack · 28/12/2013 13:43

My MIL is great, she lives 300 miles away

Balaboosta · 28/12/2013 15:23

I love my MIL!

maddy68 · 28/12/2013 15:52

I love my sil. In fact he comes on holiday with us by his choice etc. I think it's all about personalities. Some people you get on with and some people you don't.

I also got on really well with my dil (they are no longer together) but still have the odd Facebook conversation she moved in with us for a while.

I think sometimes females (me included) take things too seriously and read too much into things
What you have to remember is you BOTH love your son and sometimes DILs try to prove to themselves that they are the most important woman in their sons lives.
A good mil recognises that this is natural for them and a good dil doesn't make him choose. He can still love both :)

MarlenaGru · 28/12/2013 15:59

My DH and DBil find their mum hard work. Neither of them speak to her other than when she insists every Sunday at a set time and she is insanely jealous of my relationship with DH. I was the devoted Dil until she wrote a letter listing my faults to DH and telling him why he shouldn't marry me. She now realises she was an idiot but has never apologised and understandingly I don't give her more than I need to. Luckily she is so terrified I would stop her seeing DD (I would never) that she is terrified of me. Don't be a nutcase and be respectful of your DSs' future partners and I am sure you will have no problems.

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