AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

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Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

Why do my local hunt call their coats pink and take the piss out of people who call them red then?

Genuinely confused.

i thought 'pink' was 'correct' 50 bales?

Oh fgs OP, could you not just have taken control of your own kegs and gone off for a walk?!

As Willy Poole's hunting handbook says, hunting pink only exists in the tabloid press. Red or scarlet is correct, at least in fox hunting packs. Beaglers and harriers generally wear green.

I've never heard of a hunt buying into the term pink, but if you tell me ehich packs are local to you, mignorette i'll research it.

Wow. Just wow.

There are some truly nasty pieces of work on this thread. I pray I don't know any of you in real life.

OP very early on admitted she'd made mistakes and regretted some of her actions. She took feedback on board and said she had BU.

Yet many posters continued their vile character assassination.

Go on you haters, have a read through what you have written to the OP. (And RTFT while you're at it)

I hope you feel really good about yourselves.

OP I really hope you can ignore the nastier posts. And the comments that you should be with someone "like you" are incredibly rude and narrow minded.

FWIW my DH is from a very "society", conservative family and is a veggie leftie. If he did something that compromised his OWN principles, yes I would be annoyed with him. It also makes it a lot more difficult to uphold your own values as it makes you and only you the "baddie" - and yes, I get plenty of snide comments for sticking to my principles.

(I'm also scared of horses btw - they're bloody massive!)

Workberk is right.

I joined MN for support and advice

So, you don't have DC then?

Thanks 50bales The Essex and Suffolk Hunt sometimes start off on Boxing Day in the village of Boxford and that was where I heard this said in response to somebody ( a saboteur) calling them 'red coated ***'. I asked friends who hunt about this and they said that use of the term pink was a local thing and red coats identified non-us (their term).

I'd be interested to find out if they were just winding me up .

It doesn't matter whether people have children or not. I hope that isn't going to be used as a stick to beat any MNer with.

What's wrong with staying at home looking like a stroppy cow if it's something you feel strongly about?
It would demonstrate how against fox hunting you are and everyone's entitled to their opinions.
Vote with your feet and make the most of a shit situation.
Therefore, Yabu.

I am local (in next door territory) to that lot mignonette but can neither confirm nor refute your claims. So about as pointful as I usually am :)

I do hunt in that area but only schlong.

I'd have stayed in, used up all their hot water on a long luxurious bath (with oil), then taken over their audio system with a rendition of LOUD dancehall music. I would have been a stroppy cow AND fed my inner teenager

If you had already aired your feelings and the family were aware of your principles you had no reason to back down. Therefore YABU.

Workbench - what a load of overwrought nonsense. Its on a par with the OP's OP. The OP seems to do and say whatever she needs to curry favour.

Anyone who deals with animals on a regular basis, as the OP will have to, working in conservation, will quickly realise that being calm and reliable is by far the best approach. Shouty, screamy people are a nightmare for animals.

Nothing that bad has actually happened to her. As far as I'm aware, there have been no recorded instances of manic vicious horses attacking people either. So nothing very likely was going to happen either.

Just attention seeking at its finest.

Thank you Workberk for your lovely comments.

There have been a few posters, yourself included, who have managed to RTFT and see through to the real issues here, and their advice has been really good. Unfortunately there seem to be lots of other who have jumped on a bandwagon, either to take up an opportunity to berate a complete stranger, or start an argument about fox hunting / class or whatever. I think that says a lot more about them and about me, and I am able to just skim past their comments.

FWIW, when I have talked to my friends in RL about this issue, I have had unanimous support that I did something I didn't like for the sake of keeping my in-laws happpy. Comments like "Oh well done, poor you, he owes you one" etc. It just proves that life is way more complex than the information that one poster can put down in one thread and it has taught me never to judge a poster on that basis.

As I said before, I started this thread because some nasty RL drama was unfolding on me at that very moment. So as a kneejerk reaction I started the thread hoping for some light hearted support (hah!). I was startled by the reaction, to say the least. It lead to my very first reporting of a poster, which upset me a bit to be honest.

Someone posted upthread that if the tables were turned and I had posted an AIBU along the lines of "My DPs family want me to attend a hunt, I don't think I would like it even though I've never been. I have lifelong prejudices against this sort of thing, but I refuse to challenge them. I think I'll ask my DP to drive us to his mother's house, drop me there so that I can sit alone on Boxing day while they all go out for the morning.. AIBU?" I would have been told I was BU for not going. I think some people are on this thread just for an argument.

As for LaGuardia's comment So, you don't have DC then? No I don't. Is MN an exclusive club for those who do? If so, I suggest you go over to the Conception and Infertility threads, and tell the many hundreds of women who are trying to conceive their first child, some having suffered many years of infertility, miscarriages etc, and who find immeasurable support and wonderful advice on this forum that they're not welcome any more.

Yes, I joined MN for support and advice - what exactly did you join for? The opportunity to berate people?

LessMissAbs the OP seems to do and say whatever she needs to curry favour. Do I? I'd be interested to hear how you got to this conclusion. I posted an AIBU, was told IABU, I apologized and accepted some of the good advice. Is that not how people act in your world, or would you rather we bang on and on about how we're right in the face of being told we're wrong? Not how I choose to behave, but thanks anyway.

Anyone who deals with animals on a regular basis, as the OP will have to, working in conservation, will quickly realise that being calm and reliable is by far the best approach. Shouty, screamy people are a nightmare for animals. - Completely agree with this. Which is why I didn't shout or scream. Which I have already stated on this thread.

Nothing that bad has actually happened to her. As far as I'm aware, there have been no recorded instances of manic vicious horses attacking people either. So nothing very likely was going to happen either. - My dog and I have been 'attacked' by horses on several occasions. I know that sounds bizarre, but it's absolutely true. A farm near us rears young horses, and they are pretty feisty and curious. On walking on a track past their field, the horses have seen us from afar and literally come charging over to surround us. I know they're just curious and not being particularly aggressive, but it is bloody scary to be surrounded by 10+ skittish horses.

My dog is frail, and I'm petrified of him getting trampled or kicked. One time, the horses reacted to him by lowering their heads, ears down, and chased him. In my opinion that is aggressive behaviour. He swam through a river to get away from them. If he had tripped, they would have trampled him, I'm sure of it. A fellow dog walker witnessed it all from across the other side of the field, and agreed that it was a very scary and dangerous incident. He too is now scared to walk through that field.

Following that incident, the horse's owner told me that the horses had in fact kicked and killed her own dog. So I'm afraid you're wrong - something bad has happened to me to create my fear of horses, and there are recorded instances of horses attacking dogs and people.

and in light of that LessMiss your comment Nothing that bad has actually happened to her has really riled me.

I don't presume to know anything about what has happened to you in your life. Please don't presume the same about me from the very little you know about me that is written on this thread.

And as for As far as I'm aware, there have been no recorded instances of manic vicious horses attacking people either. So nothing very likely was going to happen either.

No recorded instances?

Woman trampled by horse at hunt

After a 3 second Google search. I'm sure I could come up with plenty of others.

I never said the horses were manic or vicious. But accidents do happen, and I don't think I was unreasonable for not wanting that to happen to me or my dog.

Just say, no thanks, its not really my thing. Not sure why you forced yourself to go.

Cosy

I'm saddened that you have had to defend your reasons for using Mumsnet. That is awful.

You sound a decent person who like many of us finds Christmas throws family issues into stark relief. People don't seem to understand that and extrapolate all kinds of crap about the psyche of a person from one small thread. I urge them to consider a career in psychiatry because it can take professionals months if not years to garner an insight into a person. The superior skills of some MNers are clearly desperately needed .

Mitchy i am intrigued by your Schlong hunting..... Do you mean cock hunting and not the kind that crows?

A Facebook friend of mine posted that she went to a fox hunt - I think I'm going to delete her. I really don't think that compromising your values and beliefs is ever a good idea.

Thanks Mignonette

I think there is an awful lot of projecting that goes on on MN. I've found this in the relationships section quite a lot, that people just throw themselves in and project their own issues onto the thread. I'm quite good at ignoring it, but now and then it does spark me off!!

As for this:
Mitchy i am intrigued by your Schlong hunting....fgrin. Do you mean cock hunting and not the kind that crows? [frgin] now THAT has given me a much needed laugh!!!

Facebook friend of mine posted that she went to a fox hunt - I think I'm going to delete her

you cant like her that much! I cant get stressed about this issue, and I think alot of inverse snobbery is allowed to play in on this issue too

There is so much shit going on, that I cant get fussed. Its not nice, but then its not nice when an antelope gets mucnhed by a lion in the african plains either!!!

WHATEVER

A lion is killing to eat. He's doing his job in life.

A pack of dogs trained to kill for sport in the English countryside is about as far removed from the natural order of things in the rolling plains of Africa as they are geographically apart.

Compare hunting to SAFARIS, where a team of people with firearms hunt down an indiscriminate animal and SHOOT IT then perhaps you're 'warmer'.

But that disproves your point