AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

[CosyTeaBags]

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

So you have up your morals to fit in with a family that clearly do not respect your beliefs.

You don't need a medal, you need a reality check

theimposter I think I have said several times on this thread that I didn't make a fuss, no one was aware of how I felt in the slightest. I don't have a phobia of horses, I'm just scared of them so tried to keep out of their way but it was not really possible because of the situation that we were in.

I just found the whole thing unpleasant, but went along with a smile to please my DPs family. I'll say again, I did not throw a hissing fit or act like a princess.

I accept that I may have been unreasonable for then having a go at DP in private afterwards, but lets not vilify me for something I didn't actually do.

Oh and catinboots I have reported you for calling me a cunt. That was completely unnecessary. HTH

I am still unsure what 'beliefs' have been compromised now that we've confirmed OP didn't attend an actual illegal fox hunt.

Horses are big animals and many people are scared of them, however I'm unsure why you an animal lover burst into tears at them. I took my 16mo dd to a hunt meet and guess what, I didn't put her underfoot of any horses so she would stay safe, just don't go near them with your elderly dog. As another point, pretty much all the horses there would have been very careful round dogs as a horse kicking a hound is seen as very bad etiquette.

Sorry OP, you just come across as a drama llama and one of those people who pretend to have principles. In fact this post has really annoyed me, it just comes across as class bashing but because it's not about benefits it's all acceptable

And thank you ltEve for being one of the few who have actually managed to understand the true point of my thread and get past the goading. Your post was really interesting, I'm sorry you had to put up with that and glad you've now found someone nice!

Yes this week certainly gave me food for thought. It think what I've learned is that while its nice to do some things that you might not necessarily want to do, to be polite to family, some compromise is too far and that they probably would have been quite happy with me if I had stuck to my principles and refused to go. I have also learned not to expect DP to fall over with gratitude when i do stuff like this for him.

I have learned that the hunt was not that bad, and I'm glad I've seen it with my own eyes, but I won't be going again.

Oh and I've learned that some people lurk AIBU just to goad, attack and call people cunts for no reason.

stinky I think the reason I was so overwhelmed by it all that I burst into tears, was that I've spent my whole life thinking hunting is bad, hating the whole circus of it all, that I couldn't actually believe I was standing there. I felt ashamed.

I am needy, and need to get over myself
Yep

I have skimmed through the thread. If you had just politely said, "No thanks, I will stay at home, you go on and enjoy yourselves.", would his parents have made snide comments?. Are they that sort of people or do they respect your wishes as well? If they are reasonable ones, then that is what I would have done.

Sstayed home, put my feet up and catch up on a box set. Maybe do a quick hoover or a bit of shopping for the house, to score brownie points, maybe.

But you went. You enjoyed yourself. Hopefully your in-laws appreciated your wanting to spend the day together. Now forget it.

Don't expect praise. You will come across as entitled. And more importantly, don't hold this over your partner's head and think he owes you one in the future.

I think you were stupid not to just say that you were frightened of horses and that you either didn't want to go or that you wanted to stand well away with your elderly dog. I also think you were misguided in not finding out better information on a drag hunt, and I also think you should be careful about making assumptions about anyone.

Your boyfriend definitely deserves an apology for going over the top and speaking to him the way you did.

Also, with regards to medals, only true hero's desire medals.

**deserve

Well cosy, how about instead of bursting into tears, you took a bit of time to understand it?

Take veal for example, I never ate it as I believed it was cruel - and it was. However I learnt that the methods of rearing calves had changed and you could get Rose veal which was reared in a humane way rather than crates. Instead of loudly proclaiming that it was cruel, I would ask if it was Rose veal and if nott, I wouldn't eat it. It's not that my principles had changed, they had adapted. I still will not eat fois gras even if it was cooked by Michel Roux jr himself, that's a principle I would always stand by.

I think you were very childish and - dare I say it pathetic. Perhaps if you had taken the time to talk to your 'mil' about it , she could have explained to you that fox hunting is banned and it's just a bunch of people on horseback.

I'm just so annoyed that you clearly think anyone who has a horse is entitled, I work bloody hard for my horses and shock horror pay for them myself, even my mother whose terrified of them comes to see them every so often so she can see what all the fuss is about. How about you broaden your mind a little bit whilst hanging on to your 'principles'?

OP you've taken a pasting and have admitted YWBU. Seriously, why don't people back off now. This is what I hate about Aibu. I'm also a fan of LtEve's post. and Op, You sound like you can cut through all the goading and use this incident to address the issues in your relationship.

YABU to expect a girlfriend medal when you had an alternative choice. Was there not a nearby pub you could hide away in and keep warm until they had finished?

I am having trouble reconciling the "animal lover" bit with so "mortally afraid of horses" that you can't stand for even your dog to be near them.

Definitely need to stand up for self better in future.

Am I the only person who is completely sympathetic to the OP's point of view? She did something she really didn't want to do in order to please her DP. But he wasn't even grateful for it. You see, if she hadn't gone, I expect her DP and her ILs would have told her she was being immature or sulking or making judgements about something she'd never experienced herself. I have absolutely no doubt that some people on here would have said exactly the same thing - probably the same people who are judging her for going.

But, hey, life's full of useful lessons and the one lesson I think you can draw from this, OP, is it's better to please yourself than to try to please other people.

Thank you Mardy and Hackmum

It's really hard not to respond to each and every silly assumption and accusation on here, I can see why these threads can easily turn into a real bunfight. But I'm not going to rise to it (still chuckling about "I bet you eat fish" though!)

Have you had any further thoughts on how this looks, from the outside looking in, like a slide into doormatdom ?

doormatdom love it

You are not being unreasonable to be angry, especially with the last minute change and your phobia of horses. The lack of gratitude does suggest an issue and I hope it is not a slide into a man who behaves as if in the 19th century towards you and expects subserviance.

Op you relationship is imbalanced in that you're desperately trying to please dp and his mum

Your anguish is because you know this,you know youre the unequal partner and this won't change. Certainly not so long as you keep trying to ingratiate yourself to his mother.youre so keen to appear good wee wife that youll utterly cave in to please.

You'll make huge compromises inc being friggin terrified And expect him to be grateful,except he isn't.he clearly enjoys drag hunt this won't change

Attending church really isn't comparable to your terrified Experience. It's not comparable to your apparent visceral reaction and shaking. He didn't react to church by shaking,terror.He is not mortally afraid of church - fucking terrified of the bastard place. He has not significantly compromised himself

In fairness he suggested that you stay home,and not participate,but you were so desperate to present as the supportive girlfriend to mumsy et al.so wellies on,and off you went,knowing you couldn't stomach it,that's why you got so angry.

You need to have a good think about the impact this has had on you
Clearly your annoyed as your expectation that he briskly should have apologised and said he loved you didn't manifest. Not only did you compromise he wasn't bothered

What else will you compromise?you said your ttc gave you and he discussed family values,schooling,will baby be weaned veggie. When his family state a strong preference will you'll fall in line again. Can you see this as a habitual pattern

LteEve post is a salutary warning,no joy comes from trying to be someone you're not

IMO,you need a cards on table talk to your dp. You explain you love him v much and that has influenced you to compromise yourself in effort to please him.

You make sure you both accept each other as the folks you are
Yes couples compromise,and act for mutual good.but not to extent it makes them as unhappy as you are.you acknowledge you're trying to fit in please his mother

Where is your mojo,why are you so compliant to this man?you do have passions for your ethics.
Give yourself a shake,get angry,think no more of this,he takes you as you are or he bogs off. Really no woman needs to be so compliant to procur marriage

CosyTeaBags I think you're getting a hard time here unfairly. You were not being unreasonable to expect your DP to stick to the agreement you'd made to visit his parents after the hunt meet. He was being thoughtless to have put you in an awkward position, where you could have looked odd to his parents (who don't know your feelings on the matter) by excusing yourself from the day out to sit alone at their place. I can see how you felt damned if you did an damned if you didn't.

As for going against your principles, sometimes it takes a lot of confidence to stand up for what you believe and this was one of those times for you. Seriously, I used to be such a pleaser in relationships and it's taken me till I got into my 40s to have the confidence to fight my corner properly. You were caught on the back foot and had to make a decision between potentially creating an awkward atmosphere or gritting your teeth this once. Mix that with trying too hard to be the perfect non-complaining GF/potential DIL and it's not necessarily that easy.

And what the fuck is it about the AIBU section of MN!? Too many people seem to take great delight in picking over every single word an OP says (whilst ignoring a lot of the more relevant stuff), sinking their teeth in en mass (more the merrier having a go eh?!) and not letting go. Really unpleasant. Here OP, have

And what the fuck is it about the AIBU section of MN!? Too many people seem to take great delight in picking over every single word an OP says (whilst ignoring a lot of the more relevant stuff), sinking their teeth in en mass (more the merrier having a go eh?!hmm) and not letting go. Really unpleasant.

Just on another thread and thought these very same words.

I'm sorry I struggle with this. How can you describe yourself the way you have and then chosen to go to an event like this??

Principles are worth nothing if you just chuck them out the window because you don't want to stay at home by yourself.

Ps No you should not expect a medal or praise for choosing to go somewhere. You are an adult, nobody forced you so I'm afraid I would have to say. Get over yourself.

LtEve writes with kindness. Something some of the more aggressive posters on here would do well to mind with their sarcastic italics and nasty digging.

Regarding principles and compromise it is helpful to ask yourself "Is this a Hill I wish to defend or not?" when it comes to standing your ground. Is the ground worth winning - not only the principle but how you will feel afterwards about conceding or not conceding.

You sound like a rather silly ten year old