AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

[CosyTeaBags]

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

Definitely noticed this today too LividofLondon and RandyRudolf! Some seriously need to chill the fuck out! have a few more wines.

if she hadn't gone, I expect her DP and her ILs would have told her she was being immature or sulking or making judgements about something she'd never experienced herself

I still don't see why it would have been seen as sulking. Obviously if you flounce off with a face like thunder people are going to think the worst. If you cheerfully laugh it off "Ooh sorry not my thing, hope you don't mind if I stay in the warm until you come back" and when they return ask if they had a lovely time (and not in a sarcastic way), then I don't see how anyone could object. There is nothing wrong with liking different things, I'm sure most people realise that.

OP Scottishmummy has given you some good advice.
We have all done things we regret to impress someone, I imagine. Or compromised our principles in some way (I once slept with a Tory! ) But it's not something you want to make a habit of.

Thank you to everyone who has cut through the GFers on this thread to the real issue. Lesson learned, I'll know better than to compromise my principles and expect gratitude for it next time, and avoid doormatdom.

LividofLondon everything you wrote really resonated with me, thank you.

And what the fuck is it about the AIBU section of MN!? Too many people seem to take great delight in picking over every single word an OP says (whilst ignoring a lot of the more relevant stuff), sinking their teeth in en mass (more the merrier having a go eh?!hmm) and not letting go. Really unpleasant.

^ this, thank you again. I'm still smarting from having been called a Cunt^ and I really can't believe some of the venom on here. AIBU is really a nasty place sometimes. I joined MN for support and advice, which I've had in spades on other topics, so I know there's a lot of good to be found here. Thanks again to the sensible posters!

I'm nearly 20 years down the line in my relationship with dh and my only advice would be to set your boundaries now. If you don't like it, don't go again.

I hate golf. I have always avoided any contact with dfils golf club and its antics. He has stopped asking us to go now.

And unless you want a roasting, don't start a thread on aibu.

it is true though, MN was much more civilised before we had AIBU

CosyTeaBags... I'm sorry that you've felt 'got at' on AIBU. Your OP was written perhaps 'tongue in cheek' but it didn't come across that way. It read to me - and perhaps others - as snobby and not really something that you wanted advice on, just a non-issue post written for effect. I still don't think you want/need advice but you're kind of lumbered with it as the advice you've had from other posters has been good.

I didn't resort to name-calling as that's not my thing but I did tease you and I'm sorry if it hurt, it wasn't intentional and I stopped posting on your thread then.

You've obviously been on MN for a while and there are lots of different boards. You posted on AIBU, I presume, for traffic. There are more posters here than elsewhere and to be honest, if I needed advice I would post here rather than elsewhere; posters generally are kind when they aren't taking the mickey.

I hope you didn't feel "got at" by my repeated attempts tow work out what principle you were compromising by going to an event where no foxes were going to be harmed. I know there's a bigger picture about your wanting to please... probably too much... But I'm still missing a point here.
Which is why I stopped posting and asking that basic question.

I don't know if you explained somewhere why you have an ethical objection to drag hunting. But in any case, I thnk it would be extremely reasonable to just say, no, sorry, don't fancy it, have a lovely time, I will go for a walk/watch dvd/cook whatever. But more imprtant is the advice from scottishmummy, you need to think seriously about why you are willing to compromise yourself to please dp and his family. I really couldnt imagine going to those lengths, there is always a way to be true to what you believe, and you have a right to expect other people to respect you and your beliefs. If your DP thinks it's OK to expect you to go against your belliefs in this matter, what else will he expect compromise over?

It's unfortunate op feels unfairly got at,someone calling her cunt wholly unnecessary

I'm glad you'll not feel need to be a doormat op,and do have discussion with dp about boundaries and expectations

You don't need to adopt a veneer of wife material nice gerl.youre good enough as you are,and if his mum doesn't like it,well she just got to lump it.

I imagine 25yrs veggie and working in conservation you'll be pretty feisty and able to rebuke most comments,so hold onto the fiery zeal

and Christ alive,No woman needs to be cowed or compromise just to be a good wee wife,and that included you

Drag hunting is a wonderful alternative ensuring the relative safety it gives to horse and rider and also keeps people from losing their jobs and keeps the tradition and the beauty of the hunt alive for everyone without going after and mauling a poor creature.
Perhaps encourage the family to drag hunt and next time go and support the drag hunt and enjoy the event.
Op if you are terrified of horses why an earth would you go to a hunt hunters are enormous and can be bulls in china shops when excited you do sound a bit hysterical sorry you did get yourself in this position and I am sorry to hear you were called names that is very wrong but the vast majority of mners are funny, kind and helpful.

I sometimes expose myself to things that frighten or repulse me in order to overcome the fear.

Like slugs.
Like enclosed spaces -tried going into a cave and had to retreat after a few minutes but I tried.
Like the dark (totally illogical I know)

I love horses, have spent a lifetime around them but they can be lairy, flighty and stupid buggers. I'm not surprised by people finding them terrifying at close quarters.

Applying that logic of exposure to repulsive do you hang out with bnp supporters?

No because I have no need to overcome my revulsion of them. That is a perfectly rational response.

Are you always so concrete in your thinking sm?

Your narrative bears no relation to thread are you always so oblique

I have noticed 'oblique' is one of your stock phrases sm.

Clearly I am oblique to you. That might be more your problem than mine.

RTT again and you might see my comments were made in response to the post by bellasue above about why Op would spend time near horses when they frighten her.

Op has explained she spent time at hunt to please her mum,appear good wife material

(((sighs))))

am aware of that.

I realise that concrete thought processes don't cope very well with anything that doesn't stick to the script so my apologies if I haven't stuck rigidly to it.

I also thought that another point of these threads was to comment upon and debate points bought up by all other posters, not just the OP.

Clearly I have had my misconceptions corrected and I will ensure that I stick very carefully to only what is said by OP and ignore everybody else on the thread and what they say, including you sm.

"Perhaps encourage the family to drag hunt and next time go and support the drag hunt and enjoy the event."
They were on a drag hunt. Op was following a drag hunt.

I think you sound like a royal PITA.

You don't like horses or hunting so you go to a hunt, makes a lot of sense.

Nothing you have posted makes any bloody sense at all.

It would be like me to going to the Indy 500 and complaining about the cars and noise.

Stupid.

YABU.

I think the reason people are responding in the way they are (who are 'horsy') is that they don't like being referred to as the the 'fucking tally-ho red coated brigade'. Tis a bit rude and blinkered. There are things I think but I won't divulge at risk of being rude...

OP why didn't you just stay at home? It doesn't even sound as if your DP was insistent on you attending the hunt. I mean, you can survive being apart from him for a few hours can't you?

I'd have stayed at home being seriously lazy, watching crap tv etc whatever I wanted to do,and just seen he & his parents when they got back. Contrary to what the books tell you you're not entitled to, nor will you necessarily get, a medal for martyring yourself. Your DP said thanks isn't that enough? Unless you want him to bow & scrape at your feet in awe & praise at you abandoning your principles. & then listen to you outlining that in full & meticulous detail.

Its just not worth a row, honest to god. Get over it

"I suppose I'm trying to be what his ex was not."
That statement suggests multiple red flags to me, OP.

1. You are yourself, and no-one else. Trying to be a particular somebody that you are not; that way lies madness and a doomed relationship. If you have to change to suit him, then you are not compatible to each other.

1. It also suggests you may be a 'people pleaser'. You pushed aside something that was important to you to please, not even your DP but his mother! Why did you do this? Do you have a history of this sort of behaviour?

1. What his ex was not - why do you even know what his ex was like? Does he talk about her a lot? Compare you to her? React unfavourably and say things like 'your just like my bitch of an ex-wife' when you do something that 99% of the population would do? Trying to mould yourself to a shape related to her, even if it is opposite to her - bloody hell, there's three of you in this relationship! Not healthy, not healthy at all.

I think you need to have a bit of a ponder about your relationship with this man, because it seems all bent out of shape to me. You should be able to be yourself, in a relationship between equals, without reference to an ex or anyone else.

I think the reason people are responding in the way they are (who are 'horsy') is that they don't like being referred to as the the 'fucking tally-ho red coated brigade'. Tis a bit rude and blinkered. You're right, theimpostor - I apologize for that, it was rude. I'm sorry.

OP why didn't you just stay at home? Because it was Boxing Day, to refuse to see his family would have been rude. I also didn't feel confident enough to say I'd just sit in his DMs house alone until they got back, because I think that would have made me look stroppy. Logistically it wouldn't have been possible anyway - we met them out, we didn't go to their house first. So my alternative would have been to sit in the car alone for 3 hours...

It also suggests you may be a 'people pleaser'. You pushed aside something that was important to you to please, not even your DP but his mother! Yes I am, that's a problem I have which I clearly need to address. DP doesn't talk about his ex or compare me to her at all, it's not his fault, it's just me putting myself under unnecessary pressure to be perfect.

At least you called us red coated, not pink! We'll make a hunt follower of you yet.