to ask if I can eat with the children at the next family meal ?

[Babieseverywhere]

For the last two decades family meals at the inlaws was either a sit down meal or a buffet where everyone adults and children would eat the same food at the same time.

A year ago it has changed to kids eat their food first and adults eat their food second. Their house, their rules etc and of course I would never question why they have changed their minds.

However this is making things very difficult for me. As 4 out of the families 8 kids are mine and the youngest just 16 months old. The easiest time for me to eat is while the children eat and what I now find is that, I sit with the children watching them eat and supervising as needed with the other mothers. Then I am the last to grab an adult plate to up with yoummy foodl having asked my oldest 8yo to watch youngest, so I can eat.

Usually the youngest two, toddler and litle child won't settle eith my oldest so I end up juggling parenting them on my lap, at my feet whilst trying to eat around them.

At the last meal, I was asked to move from dining room as my fil had finished eating and wanted to watch sports on the tv, fair enough I moved to kitchen. Where I was asked to move again, as mil was clearing up from the meal I was trying to eat . Finally I moved to standing up to a breakfast high table where I one handedly ate, whilst trying to butter a roll with a toddler on my hip and the other children running around.

I am finding it very difficult to enjoy family meals anymore. :(

Don't even ask about DH, every time he tries to help mil will pass him another beer and tell him to chat to df or db. She doesn't see why I need any help with our children.

I was thinking that at the next meal at theirs, I could ask if I can eat with the children. There is always food left over, they cater well. I can then supervise the children while they eat...win, win. But concerned if I ask it might be seen as ruddess and I don't want to cause a rift.

AIBU to ask to eat children's food with the children ?

ps. They have always had family children at meals in the past, even tiny ones. Really wish they would go back to the old system.

She tutted? That's so rude!
You don't have to put up with this OP. grabbing a plate with the kids is only part of the solution. Have you low self esteem maybe? Or a very strong fear of conflict?

I think it is the new system that is the issue.

If we all ate together as we have for the last 20 years with a similar number and age spread of people, I would be happy. But it is none of my business how other people choose to entertain so I need to work around it....or offer to do the mammoth job of doing the catering myself ! (Joke, I don't cook that is DHs department)

Will have a word with DH and tell him what I am doing next time and why. He will think I am overreacting but wth I have to make things workable fir everuone including me.

Excuse terrible spellings, I have forementioned toddler helping me type.

I think if someone tuts like that one is allowed to clip them round the ear.
But as hitting is frowned upon, Maybe take a water pistol and use it on DH/ MIL etc as required to bring them up on their inappropriate behaviour.

Just explain in words of one syllable to MIL why it doesn't work and that if you need your DH to help with his children that's what's going to happen.

I don't know why people pussy foot about so.

You don't need to ask. just tell her. Say 'I am going to sit and eat with the children. It's the only way I will get to eat without any distractions.'

And have a word with your husband who seriously needs a kick up the backside if he can witness what you've described and just ignore it and sit and drink beer.

Why are you so determined that your husband has nothing to do with this?

Stop blaming the system for goodness sake and look at what the real issue is!

If they give you a hard time over it then just say that until the children are a bit older you will not be coming to their house for big parties and meals. If asked to explain why then just tell them it's too much like hard work for you, but if she wants her grandchildren and son there then he is welcome to take them alone.

That is what confuses me most, I have been very direct with mil amd told her in small number of blunt words that eating seperately makes things hard for me but she does not want to get it.

"He will think I am overreacting"
Will he indeed?

Well, as long as his chat with his relatives over a beer isn't interrupted, that's the main thing.

I can't see how you eating with the Dcs helps, unless you're happy to be excluded from the adult table too.
I think, despite your claim to not want to object to the set up you might be trying to tell your MIL (in a convoluted way) that you don't like the "sittings" arrangement and are hoping that she will change it.
The only thing that will enable you to sit for any length of time is if the rest of the family takes an interest in your DCs and helps you with looking after them.

But it is none of my business how other people choose to entertain

It is if you are expected to attend.

I have been very direct with mil amd told her in small number of blunt words that eating seperately makes things hard for me but she does not want to get it.

She hears the words, but sees you carrying on doing exactly what she tells you to. So she doesn't need to listen.

Either you're happy about the situation, in which case why are you posting here?

Or you are unhappy about the situation, in which case why are you going there?

I think most people will operate a system of feeding the small people first, then letting them play while the adults eat. Children are done eating in five minuted flat and just want to go off and play whereas adults want to linger over food. And they are capable of waiting whereas children often need to eat now. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that your DH refuses to notice that you are supervising your children through their meal, and then trying to supervise your children through your won, while he just eats and drinks in peace like a person who does not have four small children.

It's not so much that it makes it hard for you, it's the fact that it's extremely rude on the part of the hosts.

And if you continue to make excuses for everyone, especially including your DH, nothing will change.

YOU are an adult, who shouldn't be dictated to, by bossy, inconsiderate, sexist PILs.

Before the next family meal, TELL DH that he WILL be sitting with the children and you, while they eat. He will help with them, and when the adult food is served, one of you can go and get the food for both of you and if the dc haven't finished, sit with them to eat.

And repeat the phrase 'we are both helping with OUR dc' if anyone starts. making sarcastic comments.

I know, understand and love my DH. I see everything he does for our family on a daily basis and I refuse to blame him for a situation which is not of his making.

DH WAS helping but being distracted by other people. He tried to hold toddler but she screamed until he gave her back to me. Bully for all those people whos babies would go to anyone...my first three could of been given to a stranger but number 4 atm needs me and only me.

OK, so you deal with the screaming toddler then (although I would say it's in everybody's interests if you get her used to going to her father), and he can deal with the other three then.

"He kept being distracted by other people?" Why? Did you allow yourself to be similarly distracted?

Didn't think so. Why are you so determined to absolve him of responsibility? They're his kids as well as yours. The situation may not have been of his making, but that doesn't mean he has to go along with it and land you with a shit time.

I would be spending 2014 getting up from the table and leaving dh to 'settle' the toddler, so that by next Christmas, she is such a daddy's girl he doesn't get a moment's peace.
I would also be asking him to be proactive about looking after your children at his parents house, and taking him to one side whilst there, if the 'beer and chat' behaviour crept in, and if I was feeling that he wasn't backing me up.

I was posting as I wanted to check I wasn't being unreasonable of course

As I keep saying their is a limit to what DH can do especially with the youngest. I need to eat when she does, else I have problems. Yes, my DH would hold toddler for me but I cant enjoying eating whilst my toddler is stressed amd screaming for mummy. Also I don't begrudge DH to have a beer and chill with his family. All I neeed to sort out was a way of me dealing with this new eating seperately meals.

YANBU to be PO OP. My family has a few kids so we feed the kids first, then get to the adults. Unlike your family though, everyone takes a turn, we're all either in the kitchen/dining room with the kids or clearing up the lounge for them after. Everyone pitches in. The kids eat very quickly, they have their own mini crackers and then we take them into the lounge to watch their favourite films- snowman/snowman and snowdog.

We then sit down all together and have a glass of wine, eat and a chat. Kids are happy, adults are happy. The littliest one though, the baby is only just over a year so she eats with the adults. When she gets a bit older I expect she'll be like the other kids and desperately want to be off the adults table and onto the kids.

I think this MIL issue needs to be tackled by your DH though. She may be stuck in the 19th century in terms of child raising but it's the 21st century now and it should be shared and looked upon as a great thing when it is.

I hear you about the youngest. But there are three others.
I think you want to ask to eat with the DCs as a way of telling your mil that you all want to eat together. You are being disingenuous in your claim to not want to interfere with her arrangements. You see her controlling your family, it irritates you and you want to regain some control.
If you eat with the children, you are still supervising them when they eat and again when the adults eat. The answer here imvho, is to have more help.