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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I can eat with the children at the next family meal ?

105 replies

Babieseverywhere · 27/12/2013 08:26

For the last two decades family meals at the inlaws was either a sit down meal or a buffet where everyone adults and children would eat the same food at the same time.

A year ago it has changed to kids eat their food first and adults eat their food second. Their house, their rules etc and of course I would never question why they have changed their minds.

However this is making things very difficult for me. As 4 out of the families 8 kids are mine and the youngest just 16 months old. The easiest time for me to eat is while the children eat and what I now find is that, I sit with the children watching them eat and supervising as needed with the other mothers. Then I am the last to grab an adult plate to up with yoummy foodl having asked my oldest 8yo to watch youngest, so I can eat.

Usually the youngest two, toddler and litle child won't settle eith my oldest so I end up juggling parenting them on my lap, at my feet whilst trying to eat around them.

At the last meal, I was asked to move from dining room as my fil had finished eating and wanted to watch sports on the tv, fair enough I moved to kitchen. Where I was asked to move again, as mil was clearing up from the meal I was trying to eat . Finally I moved to standing up to a breakfast high table where I one handedly ate, whilst trying to butter a roll with a toddler on my hip and the other children running around.

I am finding it very difficult to enjoy family meals anymore. :(

Don't even ask about DH, every time he tries to help mil will pass him another beer and tell him to chat to df or db. She doesn't see why I need any help with our children.

I was thinking that at the next meal at theirs, I could ask if I can eat with the children. There is always food left over, they cater well. I can then supervise the children while they eat...win, win. But concerned if I ask it might be seen as ruddess and I don't want to cause a rift.

AIBU to ask to eat children's food with the children ?

ps. They have always had family children at meals in the past, even tiny ones. Really wish they would go back to the old system.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2013 09:01

You sound like a total doormat. Can I suggest you butter your own roll, after all you would want your DH to actually behave like an adult now would you?

pinkdelight · 27/12/2013 09:03

If dh doesn't do more then course the LO will insist on you. My LO insists on his dad but it's tough luck - sometimes he has me instead and he kicks up a fuss but he does settle. Sounds like you take too much on yourself. With four kids your dh should be helping no matter what his mum wants.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 27/12/2013 09:06

I tried talking to my mil, when she told me to do the same here at my house.

It is easier for her, so it is easier for everyone, in her eyes. Plus the other mothers have not objected but eating around one child is loads easier than eating around 4 lots of I need the toilet, where is my juice.

I told DH to take our dd to toilet, when I moved into the kitchen and his mother tutted at me ! They really think I am terrible for making him parent his own kids.

Believe me it is not my DHs problem, he is a good husband and father who parents equally at home. Just gets distracted by his family when he has a beer.

OP posts:
Ohfuckeryitsmarzipan · 27/12/2013 09:06

You're worried about seeming rude? Sorry, if you have guests you make sure they feel welcome.You should be part of the family, if they just want to see their precious baby boy, then let him go by himself.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 27/12/2013 09:07

Agree the issue is with DH

He can sit with them whilst they eat

Surely

friday16 · 27/12/2013 09:08

TBH DH can't do much to help

How convenient for him.

LingDiLong · 27/12/2013 09:08

You feel overlooked and ignored because you are being overlooked and ignored. It sounds like you are there as a nanny to facilitate the rest of the family's visit rather than there as a valued guest in your own right. Your DH is the key to changing this. I wouldn't allow my spouse to be treated like that when visiting my family.

Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2013 09:08

Oh well Op if you want to be a doormat your choice.

BTW your DH is playing you for a fool.

mylittlesunshine · 27/12/2013 09:10

My inlaws are like that, they set the table and don't set a place for our son as they prefer him to be fed before us. I asked the reasons and they said they enjoy the family meal more when it's just adults as they can have a better conversation and our son can play while we eat. Thankfully my DH has a backbone and told her a family meal means all of us including our child.

I think your husband needs to step up and help you out, it's totally unfair that he is sat drinking beer while you are trying to sort 4 kids. If someone needs to talk to the inlaws it should be him.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 27/12/2013 09:10

What the actual fuck? I was brought up by people who put the youngest guests first, all the time. Any father who didn't pitch in with his kids got spoken to, first soft then sharply. And as for Grandad wanting to watch sport...antisocial old sod.

Looks like the OP's ILs regard her as the brood mare/skivvy. Time for some attitude adjustment.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 27/12/2013 09:11

He buttered my roll, as I was stood up in the kitchen, holding an overtired toddler who was throwing herself around, making it impossible for me to do so.

Thanks to Midnightscribber I have my solution. Just take a plate and eat with the kids.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 27/12/2013 09:11

Just gets distracted by his family when he has a beer.

Aaaawww. Bless him. He can't help it.

LingDiLong · 27/12/2013 09:12

My mother in law is exactly the same and completely disapproves of how hands on my DH is. Tough shit. No way would he be swayed by that sexist nonsense and just sit drinking beer while I do all the work!

friday16 · 27/12/2013 09:12

I told DH to take our dd to toilet, when I moved into the kitchen and his mother tutted at me

So what?

They all sound as bad as each other. MIL thinks that parenting is women's work, husband is happy to agree because she matters more than you do, you're unwilling to disagree. Why are you going there?

AlaskaNebraska · 27/12/2013 09:13

Can't you watch your kids eat then get the older cousins to look out for the toddler

Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2013 09:14

I'd stick his roll up his arse, but then I have this weird thing where we treat each other with mutual respect.

Do you enjoy being a martyr OP?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/12/2013 09:17

My dh would help, it wouldn't be a choice.

pinkdelight · 27/12/2013 09:33

Agree with chipped. Stop being so grateful that he buttered your roll and so forgiving of his helplessness in the face of his mother. Your his wife and they're his kids. He shouldn't need telling to take them to the loo. It's you who should be tutting. The fact that you've put up with them shunting you around unable to eat your dinner and still meekly wondering if you should ask rather than do (or even kick up a stink), shows how this situation came about in the first place. You're being nice to the point of martyrdom. Your mil has no empathy. Your dh has no motive to make anything different. It's down to you to put your foot down.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/12/2013 09:37

we in the company of some fabulously assertive women who never yield to family pssure and have perfectly marvellous, helpful DPs who are never selfish or self absorbed.
It's a wonder there's any material for the relationships board.

Jolly good for all those people who simply wouldn't tolerate to, or whose DHs are so helpful and hands on that it couldn't be an issue.

Op. your ILs are being, at best, thoughtless. You might find it helpful to talk to your DH about it and agree a plan. If there's to be separate eating then perhaps you can evenly split the supervising with your DH and another family member. Personally, i find a bit of planning really helps.
Then you can enjoy some time at the grown up table and your DCs can enjoy some supervised playtime without being tucked away at Christmas for the elders to enjoy a child free meal.

I wonder why some ppl don't just ignore the kids altogether and go out to the pub tbh (thinking of own DM with "looks" towards "energetic' DS. Xmas Grin) why can't they just help out?

Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2013 09:37

Cue more excuses...

Ladyglamalot · 27/12/2013 09:39

My inlaws also treat my dh like the lord of the manner when we go for dinner-it boils my piss! I am expected to help set and clear the table,deal with dcs etc while dh can sit on his arse and get served his dinner!

Yanbu op-tell inlaws to get fucked.

Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2013 09:41

The in-laws aren't the actual problem, the ejit with the butter knife is.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 27/12/2013 09:42

Next time there's a family meal at their's , take control.

Dont worry about the tutting mil or the lump of a fil who wants to watch telly .[ what an arse].

As for your dh, get him involved beforehand and tell him to pull his weight.

Alternatively, dont go to family meals there, they are bloody rude not waiting for you in any case.

roses2 · 27/12/2013 09:43

Don't ask, just do it and say this works best for you.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/12/2013 09:43

Well, fair point Chipped but that's not the op's fault is it?
And none of us is perfect.