to ask if I can eat with the children at the next family meal ?

[Babieseverywhere]

For the last two decades family meals at the inlaws was either a sit down meal or a buffet where everyone adults and children would eat the same food at the same time.

A year ago it has changed to kids eat their food first and adults eat their food second. Their house, their rules etc and of course I would never question why they have changed their minds.

However this is making things very difficult for me. As 4 out of the families 8 kids are mine and the youngest just 16 months old. The easiest time for me to eat is while the children eat and what I now find is that, I sit with the children watching them eat and supervising as needed with the other mothers. Then I am the last to grab an adult plate to up with yoummy foodl having asked my oldest 8yo to watch youngest, so I can eat.

Usually the youngest two, toddler and litle child won't settle eith my oldest so I end up juggling parenting them on my lap, at my feet whilst trying to eat around them.

At the last meal, I was asked to move from dining room as my fil had finished eating and wanted to watch sports on the tv, fair enough I moved to kitchen. Where I was asked to move again, as mil was clearing up from the meal I was trying to eat . Finally I moved to standing up to a breakfast high table where I one handedly ate, whilst trying to butter a roll with a toddler on my hip and the other children running around.

I am finding it very difficult to enjoy family meals anymore. :(

Don't even ask about DH, every time he tries to help mil will pass him another beer and tell him to chat to df or db. She doesn't see why I need any help with our children.

I was thinking that at the next meal at theirs, I could ask if I can eat with the children. There is always food left over, they cater well. I can then supervise the children while they eat...win, win. But concerned if I ask it might be seen as ruddess and I don't want to cause a rift.

AIBU to ask to eat children's food with the children ?

ps. They have always had family children at meals in the past, even tiny ones. Really wish they would go back to the old system.

[clam]

And we're telling you that there shouldn't be a limit to what your dh can do! If the toddler prefers you, then he can deal with the others.

And if you don't mind him sitting drinking beer while you're managing 4 kids on your own and being shunted around from room to room by PILs when you're trying to grab a bite to eat, then what's this thread about?

[Babieseverywhere]

Actually that is another solution, I can put forward. Just have toddler eating with adults.

[ExcuseTypos]

"And if you don't mind him sitting drinking beer while you're managing 4 kids on your own and being shunted around from room to room by PILs when you're trying to grab a bite to eat, then what's this thread about?"

Agree with Clam.

In your situation I would be fuming with my H, for allowing this situation to occur. He has 4 children in the house. He should be capable of helping with them, whilst chatting with relatives.

[TwoLeftSocks]

YANBU to eat with your children - sounds like a sensible way forward and the sort of thing I've done in that set up.

Even better - if you get waylaid with the clingy toddler (one of ours was like that, you have my sympathy), prep your DH to bring food to you or to supervise the other children while you eat.

If my MIL had as little respect for me, I'd be expecting DH to help me out and back me up. And I'd get it because he can stand up to his parents.

[Nanny0gg]

If the hosts don't want the children eating with adults then it's just tough for you. Their house, their rules.

You therefore need to manage it (especially as they are rude for clearing up around you). So - you have been given many suggestions, none of which you want to hear.

It's another one of those AIBU? Yes. No I'm not. scenarios.

[friday16]

If the hosts don't want the children eating with adults then it's just tough for you. Their house, their rules.

Absolutely. But that doesn't extend to insisting people attend.

You can lay down whatever rules you like (subject to relevant legislation) in your own house. But if people say "OK, that's fine, but I won't be visiting" you have precisely zero right to get upset.

[Babieseverywhere]

Nanny, try reading all my posts.

I have two solutions. I eat with children....or toddler eats with adults and me. As long as toddler eats at the same time as me, I can eat.

[AlaskaNebraska]

OP

you so need to go away for a weekend ALONE

[AlaskaNebraska]

OP
are you part of some weird religious cult or something, where men are shits idle?

[diddlediddledumpling]

I could see something similar happening with my dh, at certain family gatherings he just gets distracted by talking to people he doesn't see that often. I don't mind sorting the kids in that situation, because he's a good husband and dad, he helps out a lot at home, and most importantly when the situation is reversed, he'll look after the kids while i chat to my family. You're getting an awfully hard time here for doing what lots of families do, give and take.

I think you need to consider that perhaps other family members have told your mil how much better the current situation is. They are being rude and inconsiderate to you, but if that's the kind of people they are, they're not going to change. So do whatever you have to do to make it less of a hassle for you. I would imagine that's a combination of changing your eating time and telling your husband to keep an eye and ear out for you and the kids.

Can't believe people are saying you should be able to dictate how other people entertain because you're a guest there.

[Babieseverywhere]

DH is lovely in real life, I must of misstyped on these posts to give you the wrong impression of our lives

DH often parents the older three, on his own. Once littest has got over this sepration anxiety reactions, .I will be leaving all four in his capable hands, whilst I go out. For anday or two.

Believe me it is not DH problem it is the inlaws and their idea about what makes easy. meals :(

Hopefully I can limit meals out this year, eat with the kids when we do go and by next year the toddler will be better about being out of my sight for 5 minutes :)

[TwoLeftSocks]

If it's the inlaws that are the problem then you and your DH really need to be on the same page when it comes to their attitudes, and he needs to be really backing you up fully so you can
a) go through a visit without being tutted at, and
b) eat a full decent meal without being cleared into a different room.

Neither I nor DH would have found any of that acceptable, and would have said something.

[Babieseverywhere]

Thanks digglediggleduddling...that is a more balanced approach. Honestly if you met my husband you would understand he is a good man. Give and take can work very well and DH did the driving over Christmas so I could catch up and have a drink or two with my family.

Difference was we all ate together at my family celebration, so everyone got to sit chat, eat and drink. Then DH packed the car with the children and stuff and drove us all home. :)

[TwoLeftSocks]

And the clingy stage does pass thankfully, so as you pointed out yourself, this whole juggling act will pass :)

[Babieseverywhere]

DH is lovely in real life, I must of misstyped on these posts to give you the wrong impression of our lives

DH often parents the older three, on his own. Once littest has got over this sepration anxiety reactions, .I will be leaving all four in his capable hands, whilst I go out. For anday or two.

Believe me it is not DH problem it is the inlaws and their idea about what makes easy. meals :(

Hopefully I can limit meals out this year, eat with the kids when we do go and by next year the toddler will be better about being out of my sight for 5 minutes :)

[Babieseverywhere]

DH is lovely in real life, I must of misstyped on these posts to give you the wrong impression of our lives

DH often parents the older three, on his own. Once littest has got over this sepration anxiety reactions, .I will be leaving all four in his capable hands, whilst I go out. For anday or two.

Believe me it is not DH problem it is the inlaws and their idea about what makes easy. meals :(

Hopefully I can limit meals out this year, eat with the kids when we do go and by next year the toddler will be better about being out of my sight for 5 minutes :)

[ExcuseTypos]

But you DH isn't helping with the IL problem is he? He's allowing his parents to treat you in a thoughtless way.

Your DH is part of the solution to a happy, family day.

[catsmother]

"Their house their rules" ...... up to a point, but regardless, they're being bloody rude, especially as it has been pointed out to them - several times - that the "new" system is causing OP problems.

Surely being a good host is to ensure as much as you possibly can that everyone is as comfortable as possible, gets enough to eat, and that particular individuals aren't always only ever left with the leftovers once everyone else has had their pick.

Can't help feeling there's a point being made here. They know OP feels uncomfortable and sidelined - but still do nothing. In fact, they make more of a fuss over her DH, which reinforces her "place" at the bottom of the pecking order and don't even make simple allowances which would allow her to finally eat her meal unhurried and in convivial surroundings.

DH isn't blameless either - as so many have already pointed out. Obviously he doesn't have to accept yet another beer and of course he can make his excuses when railroaded into chatting with his dad or whoever. However, IMO, what he should be doing, which would be most useful (never mind buttering a roll) is to speak plainly to his parents - as OP's efforts have fallen on deaf ears - and impress upon them that their system is making him unhappy because his wife isn't getting to participate in the so-called family meal and he doesn't like her being put in that position.

And surely to goodness, all this would take is a bit of very basic consideration towards everyone. They want the kids to eat first so the adults can linger later ..... fine ...... but in that case, make sure the kids have all finished eating, and have all been cleaned up, taken to the toilet and so on, and are now settled playing (maybe very young kids an exception) and THEN, the adult table is "opened" only once the vast majority of the supervision required has already taken place. That way, ILs still get their adult only meal, but OP would be far better placed to join in as well at the same time as everyone else and feel like an equal member of the family rather than an afterthought. It's called compromise and PILs would hardly suffer from waiting another 15 mins or so ?? This is something OP's DH could suggest to his parents, failing them agreeing to going back to everyone eating together kids and all .... either way, he needs to make it clear that he doesn't like the way his wife's being made to feel uncomfortable. Notwithstanding him pulling his weight as much as possible. Even if the toddler will only be settled by OP etc., he could at least show some solidarity with her by actually being in the room with her while the kids' meal is happening ..... and if questioned, tell his parents he doesn't think it right that she's left alone. Similarly he could go last to the table with her and so on to get the message across.

[ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel]

Next time stay at home. Then DH will be forced to look after them, won't he

[Lavenderhoney]

Your dh doesn't have to take the beer and wander off, does he? Don't you say anything to him, or do you feel if he helps then your role as wife and mum is diminished in your pils eyes? And who cares what they think, do they know its not 1950 anymore?

Your mil has her own problems with pil pushing off to watch sport when family are there and causing the gc to move tables when eating. I assume all males help to clear? Do you go much?

Next time, just eat with the dc. Your youngest is too young to eat alone anyway. My mil feeds dc first at a separate table which is fine now they are not toddlers but before she, like yours, was all cats bum mouth and tutting at me helping my toddlers.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

You are worried about being rude? . Why when your PIL are the rude ones. They tell your DH not to look after his children, they move you at least twice while you are trying to eat, etc .

It all sounds very unwelcoming and totally thoughtless.

[Nanny0gg]

Nanny, try reading all my posts.

I did.

[Chippednailvarnish]

DH often parents the older three, on his own


Wow, a parent looking after their own children. What a great parent.

Oh wait, I forgot, that's just normal...

[nkf]

You use the word "parent" as a verb. YADBU.