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Original poster

To feel so let down by 'friends' and feel so alone

92 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:00

I know I've mentioned this in a recent post. But I can't find that post.. (I go on 'I'm on' and it doesn't show.)
I've cried continuously all day.
I left abusive alcoholic ex in summer but I still miss the 'good days' with him before the drink, and my home and everything (not related to him) eg job, friends, that I had to run away from. I am alone.. no kids, possessions still at my exs too. Pet is boarding.
I am back in my hometown, staying with my parents, looking for housing.
I have old friends here but of the ones staying in this town for Christmas.. no one has invited me though they know what I've been through/ am still going through.
With all these friends I went through all their heartaches, traumas etc in the past with them.
One friend was actually suicidal over being alone one Christmas after a friend had blown her out. So I invited her to spend it with me and my parents that year.
That friend is now married to a friend of mine that I introduced her to. They live in the next road from my parents. They know what I've through. But nothing. Not saying I would join them and be gooseberry, but would've been nice to be asked. Wouldn't have felt so utterly alone.
Other friends. . .they now have partners and /or kids and it's definitely been made clear 'oh it's all about them now'. Well when i wasn't single, I still made time for friends at Christmas especially the ones that were alone and going through a shit time.
So it seems no one wants the single friend who's had the year from hell, not even for a few hours. Even though they know i'm great at putting on a brave face. (which I can't say the same for them, in the past)....
I feel so hurt and alone and missing my old life (the good bits) too much too

OP posts:
CynicalandSmug · 24/12/2013 23:16

I am so sorry. I know it's no consolation but in fact many people will be having a rubbish Christmas. There is so much hype about friends and family, the reality is for many this is a time of intense stress and upset. People get into debt, experience appalling domestic violence.....oh I could go on........And loneliness. I hate bloody Christmas, for many reasons, but you will have many ahead of you that you can make special. Think about the future, and frankly, fuck the present and the past.

persimmon · 24/12/2013 23:18

Write this one off as a shitty Christmas to finish off a shitty year, and look to your future. There is such a lot of pressure to have a 'perfect' Christmas surrounded by a glow of convivial warmth but it just isn't like that for a lot of people.
Be kind to yourself x.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:20

thank you. I know it's true and my own Christmas last year was bad DV that i'm so pleased to be away from . But being away from it doesnt make this year's great either! i feel so let down. No matter how loved up I was I always made time for those friends who were going through it ESPECIALLY on Christmas Day

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SkinnedAlive · 24/12/2013 23:21

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time and feel so left out by your friends. Don't let it fester though - I would tell them how hurt you are feeling and why. Sometimes people can be very thoughtless. I'm sure it wasn't deliberate not to invite you. As you say you are good at putting on a brave face, and maybe they thought you wanted a quiet Christmas with your parents, as it sounds as if you are close to them.

I hope you feel better soon and have a wonderful 2014 :)

CailinDana · 24/12/2013 23:22

People tend to stick with their own families at Christmas. You're with your parents so they probably assume you're ok. Do they know how lonely you are?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:22

I gave myself too high expectations. Last Christmas was the most traumatic experience of my whole life. Ex tried to kill me, etc etc. So I had it in my head, this year's xmas would be amazing. But I'm traumatised and lonely and I guess still in some shock. I just didn't think I 'deserved' two shitty ones in a row but I know others have it far worse and I should just suck it up...

OP posts:
Parentingfailure · 24/12/2013 23:23

Do they assume you are spending it with your parents?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:25

they know i'm alone for most of it, parents arent around much

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:25

and these are friends who'd get very pissed off in past when they were lonely and single.. to not be invited by the couples and families.. and now they are doing same.

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thehairybabysmum · 24/12/2013 23:27

I agree with Calhana....surely people have (wrongly) assumed that you are spending Xmas day with your parents and therefore not alone??

Would your parents not feel a bit upset if you had of pottered off to have lunch elsewhere?

Could you text tmw to see if anyone would have you round for a drink later if you let them know your situation?

thehairybabysmum · 24/12/2013 23:28

Agree with CailinDana...sorry

nikkihollis · 24/12/2013 23:28

I posted on your other thread alltoomuch. It IS extremely hurtful when you've helped others during their times of crap and they don't do the same for you. I don't know how people can be like that but so many seem to be :(
This year sounds like it's been an incredibly tough one for you and maybe you just need to write this Christmas off as a totally bad job.

I remember being in an almost identical situation the first Christmas my life imploded. I left H in October and moved in with my elderly father. He (my Father) had gone to visit my brother for Christmas. I couldn't face anyone and just spent the day alone, in his house, crying, feeling utterly adrift and desolate. DD and I were barely talking at the time and that just compounded the utter hell. None of my 'friends' rallied round. It was utterly utterly shite.

Since then I've made new friends, some of whom are much more caring than my old ones. It's taken a long time to rebuild my life to this point and I swear I will never forget that first woeful Christmas. DD still isn't due to visit till next Sunday and I think somehow blames me for not loving her abusive bastard of a Father and our relationship is far from ok so things are far from perfect but nothing compares to that year.

I totally agree, fuck the present and the past and look to the future. This is as bad as it gets and you'll get through it and when life does get better, you will be so appreciate it. Raises a Wine and toasts a much better year ahead for you Much. Unmumsnetty hugs in the meantime. I really do empathise with what you're going through.

thehairybabysmum · 24/12/2013 23:29

Sorry cross posted, can you just ask...shy bairns get nowt and all that?

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:29

oh Hi again Nikki! i could not find that thread! thanks so much for messaging again x

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:38

just feel so upset as remember the hurt of those friends i invited, when they were let down by others.. now they have become those people...

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:39

i just dont want to ask anyone as all those staying in this town for Christmas have made it quite quite clear its about their partners and / or kids this year.. funny they were happy to take invites off others before, regardless of kids, other halfs etc

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nikkihollis · 24/12/2013 23:46

Hi Alltoo Just keep on keeping on over the next few days. Accept that you feel crap and with bloody good reason. How could you feel ok with everything that you've been through and are still dealing with. It's ok to feel sad and pissed off.

This time last year you weren't physically safe. This time round you are safe but probably shocked as you say, and reeling from all that you've had to contend with. So you could say that compared with last year, things have improved And next year will hopefully be far far better than this one. You will be in your own place (fingers x'd) and that will make a big difference I think. Nothing worse than being in a place that isn't yours and surrounded by someone else's life, to add to your sense of desolation and of having nothing. Just hold on tight and know that there are people out here willing you onwards and upwards. And that you will get through this and life will be better.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:52

it's an awful bundle of emotions. I remember four years ago when it was all so new with ex.. and he wasnt drinking.. such a happy time with him..his son was only little then.. it was magickal...future ahead of us.. i moved in with him soon after.. and we got engaged.. then last year's xmas.. i dont know i'll ever get over that.,and it was the worst of the abuse..so i thought this year would be happy happy happy..it's not... i just want it to be summer! lol

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Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:53

and that i never would treat a friend like this, and never have. ialways had single friends over on the day itself, etc.. i didnt think it was just about me and DP or family or whatever

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nikkihollis · 25/12/2013 00:03

Well, we've had the shortest day now, so in a few weeks it will start to look a tad lighter. The darkest days are behind you hopefully but it will take time to get over what you've been through. There are going to be a whole heap of emotions - everything from loss, sadness, anger, fear, panic and a 101 other ones. Some things I reckon you don't get over but somehow learn to carry round with you easier. There's stuff I know I won't ever forget but I'm starting to feel that what happened no longer defines me. I'm more than my story as it were.

Give yourself time. You are in mourning for what might have been, what wasn't and like any loss, it takes time to start to fade a bit and for it not to feel so massive. Physically as well stuff like this takes a hell of a lot out of you so it's hard to find the energy to deal with everything. At times like this we need to be our own kind, loving friend until we have the opportunity, the strength and the time to find new, and more compassionate ones out there.

Original poster
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/12/2013 00:38

thankyou Nikki. really appreciate your words. Really hard as staying at parents and when they see me upset they just get really annoyed/ frustrated. not always easy to put on a brave face though i try. NOt that i want to sit around crying alone, either! I just want to feel happy again. Even normal would do!

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ShinyBlackNose · 25/12/2013 08:01

Good morning OP. I'm sorry you feel so let down by your friends, I really feel for you.

There's not a lot I can say without sounding trite. Try to accept that today will be rubbish for you then draw a line under it and move forward. Make plans for the future. They don't have to be big plans, small steps are fine.

Also try to find some comfort in the fact that you're getting answers today! There are people thinking of you!

Earlspearl · 25/12/2013 08:19

Can you do a few things to make it a nicer day? A good walk or pop into town for a coffee and mice pie in a large local hotel?

Earlspearl · 25/12/2013 08:23

Plan a film and glass of wine later. A long bath. Can you think if it as a recovery christmas where you are just taking care of yourself. Text a few friends personal happy Christmas Day messages but don't expect anything to develop.

DontstepontheBaubles · 25/12/2013 08:48

When my marriage ended, it amazed me on who stepped forward to help me/ spend time with me and who went silent. It was hard at the time. The people who I thought were real friends seemed to abandon me, perhaps they didn't know what to say? Perhaps how broken I was, was too much for them? And I didn't have the emotional energy to ring them all often and arrange to do things, I found it hard to ask for help too. Looking back I was deeply depressed but it took me a whole year before I finally went to the GP, when I did it made all the difference to how I felt and I finally got my life back on track and began to make new friends.

I'm so sorry you're friends have let you down. You will make new friends as others have said, this is probably the lowest point right now and it's utterly shit.

Hope you're ok this morning. Earlspearls advice is really good.

I think it's unfair if your parents get upset to see you upset. You've been through such a traumatic time, you need time to greave and recover and it's important to cry and let it out, they should be supporting you in your pain Sad No one can put on a brave front all the time Sad