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AIBU?

To feel so let down by 'friends' and feel so alone

92 replies

alltoomuchrightnow · 24/12/2013 23:00

I know I've mentioned this in a recent post. But I can't find that post.. (I go on 'I'm on' and it doesn't show.)
I've cried continuously all day.
I left abusive alcoholic ex in summer but I still miss the 'good days' with him before the drink, and my home and everything (not related to him) eg job, friends, that I had to run away from. I am alone.. no kids, possessions still at my exs too. Pet is boarding.
I am back in my hometown, staying with my parents, looking for housing.
I have old friends here but of the ones staying in this town for Christmas.. no one has invited me though they know what I've been through/ am still going through.
With all these friends I went through all their heartaches, traumas etc in the past with them.
One friend was actually suicidal over being alone one Christmas after a friend had blown her out. So I invited her to spend it with me and my parents that year.
That friend is now married to a friend of mine that I introduced her to. They live in the next road from my parents. They know what I've through. But nothing. Not saying I would join them and be gooseberry, but would've been nice to be asked. Wouldn't have felt so utterly alone.
Other friends. . .they now have partners and /or kids and it's definitely been made clear 'oh it's all about them now'. Well when i wasn't single, I still made time for friends at Christmas especially the ones that were alone and going through a shit time.
So it seems no one wants the single friend who's had the year from hell, not even for a few hours. Even though they know i'm great at putting on a brave face. (which I can't say the same for them, in the past)....
I feel so hurt and alone and missing my old life (the good bits) too much too

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 00:29

Hello lovely, don't worry about the long post, it's good to hear from you.

I'm sorry that on top of everything, you're getting shit from your parents.

Would your parents consider getting some kind of call blocking? I did so with XP (he rang me from every phonebox in one town and I blocked all of them), BT were helpful at the time. Please write down all the times he calls and so on, he can be done for harrassing you even if he is calling other people - XH called me, friends, family and my work.

You're doing great. It's early days and I remember being so anxious and twitchy, and it took me a while to relax. Could your GP help temporarily with some anti-anxiety meds?

Have you been able to get any help from outside? I've heard great things about these organisations:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Big hugs to you and Flowers

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:38

i have used womens aid help line before and i go to a womans centre once a week for counselling. At the moment it's practical help I need and i dont know where to turn. I'm so overwhelmed re looking for private rent etc. I've never had to do this as always shared with friends or partners. I used to be strong minded and practical but i feel about 12 years old right now and incapable, pathetic i know..
They're not with BT. they moan they have to pay £13 a month just to block the one phone number ie his landline.

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:40

i will mention it to doc next time that it's got bad again but i always worry she'll think badly of me that i'm just not helping myself. The answer isnt with pills. I've been like this nearly a year now... At least i can tell her i'm starting a voluntary job next week. She gave me valium once but it made no difference whatsoever. I didnt feel a thing. I am on anti depressants but they're not doing much for me.

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:43

As for the friends who i was upset with ie no support.. not one of them did get in touch this Christmas, not even a simple 'how are you doing'. So I'm not bothering with them and just concentrating on those who do bother, and with making new friends, in fact i'm meeting up with two new friends this week and it's like a mini achievement for me that in all this mess i've still managed to make friends .. i would run a mile if i met me, lol !

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:45

you see to me Sunshine, it is still early (ish) days. I left beginning of August . However, my parents take it from, the first time i left him (beginning of Feb) so they keep reminding me that the anniversary of that is coming up ie 'it's almost a whole year since you last worked.. that's terrible ' etc... Like I need reminding! I hate the fact ! But I simply could not cope after I first left him, job and everything else.

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:46

and now it's not enough for them that i'm about to start a voluntary job (ie ''you need to be back in paid work, not messing around''). Why can't they see this is my stepping stone back to paid work.. to get used to a routine again, and a work environment...and gaining confidence..

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 00:49

Shelter are great for questions about housing - their advisers are wonderful. www.shelter.org.uk [Disclaimer: I used to work there and spent some time talking with their advisers. Lovely people.]

That's horrible about the call blocking, it seems like it was much easier a while ago (left XH in 2001). My anxiety eased a year or so after I was in contact with XH. I used to have counselling and my counsellor noticed that every time I mentioned his name, I'd hunch over and protect myself. It will get better, it just sucks that there isn't anything more immediate than time and space.

What's your voluntary job? (You don't have to give any details if you're afraid of being outed / think I'm being nosey.) That sounds like a really positive step.

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 00:51

Xpost. It is early days, I'm sorry your folks can't see that. It takes time to recover and get yourself together.

I was lucky in that I didn't have to leave my job and so on. Apart from his calls, work was a place of sanctuary. So life was at least partially normal.

Big hugs to you lovely xxx

Here's that link again //www.shelter.org.uk

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:52

can anyone with experience of similar tell me..the best place for practical help? ie help with looking for housing, with forms etc.. All things i'd have found a doddle in the past, had my circumstances been different. I'm just so overwhelmed I'm almost forgetting my own name! I think because I 'look' vaguely healthy and together, people think i'm ok and can do it for myself..but i really can't. The other week I attended a course at the womens centre and the person taking it said 'well the fact you've obviously washed your hair and put make up on means you are fine, we don't have to worry about you ' ) I didnt say anything but felt Shock it doesnt mean anything.. it's just a coping strategy.. i'm broken inside.. it might be a positive thing but it doesnt reflect the inside, just because i made an effort that day. Anyway appearance wise i do that on auto.. it doesnt reflect anything about my mental state

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:54

thankyou Sunshine.
Yeah I'm still.. all these months on..gutted and resentful re leaving job. As i lived and worked in London it meant leaving everything. I could not even afford a one room anywhere and to be honest I couldnt be anywhere near him and had nothing to stay for... no real friends there as he'd kept me so isolated.. so back to hometown it was.. I still keep thinking I should start again in a brand new town. I know i did that when i went to live with him..but perhaps if i did again for me... without a 'him' it would be different..

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 00:55

but the other thing is that i was just too ill and not sleeping to cope with any job. And i'm still not sleeping. So the vol job is going to be a test to see how i cope with daytime hours.

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 00:59

Shelter can help with housing and some benefits.

Some more links I found:

www.eavesforwomen.org.uk/get-advice/get-help/how-we-can-help-you

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/leaving_domestic_abuse/finances_in_violent_relationships

refuge.org.uk/

www.victimsupport.org.uk/

It's understandable you're feeling overwhelmed. You've dealt with a lot and are still dealing with the aftermath, plus the flack from your parents.

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 01:03

Balls, links again :)

www.eavesforwomen.org.uk/get-advice/get-help/how-we-can-help-you

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/leaving_domestic_abuse/finances_in_violent_relationships

refuge.org.uk/

www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Hopefully the vol job will give you some relief and perhaps lead to some improvement in your insomnia? I hope that you enjoy it and it'll give you a bit of a break.

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alltoomuchrightnow · 30/12/2013 01:21

wow thanks that's so kind of you. I will work through those links.
Job is in charity shop.
Will be kind of weird as last job was as manager covering about 5 charity shops.... will be weird to work unpaid in same sector, but preferable.. no responsibility or stress!

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 01:38

That sounds much less stressful than managing several stores :)

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SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 01:39

I used to work as a charity fundraising manager. While I still love it, it was very stressful. I'm a stoodent now :) but I'm not sure if I'll go back as an employee.

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