To feel so let down by 'friends' and feel so alone

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I know I've mentioned this in a recent post. But I can't find that post.. (I go on 'I'm on' and it doesn't show.)
I've cried continuously all day.
I left abusive alcoholic ex in summer but I still miss the 'good days' with him before the drink, and my home and everything (not related to him) eg job, friends, that I had to run away from. I am alone.. no kids, possessions still at my exs too. Pet is boarding.
I am back in my hometown, staying with my parents, looking for housing.
I have old friends here but of the ones staying in this town for Christmas.. no one has invited me though they know what I've been through/ am still going through.
With all these friends I went through all their heartaches, traumas etc in the past with them.
One friend was actually suicidal over being alone one Christmas after a friend had blown her out. So I invited her to spend it with me and my parents that year.
That friend is now married to a friend of mine that I introduced her to. They live in the next road from my parents. They know what I've through. But nothing. Not saying I would join them and be gooseberry, but would've been nice to be asked. Wouldn't have felt so utterly alone.
Other friends. . .they now have partners and /or kids and it's definitely been made clear 'oh it's all about them now'. Well when i wasn't single, I still made time for friends at Christmas especially the ones that were alone and going through a shit time.
So it seems no one wants the single friend who's had the year from hell, not even for a few hours. Even though they know i'm great at putting on a brave face. (which I can't say the same for them, in the past)....
I feel so hurt and alone and missing my old life (the good bits) too much too

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Massive hugs to you xxx

and from me x

Morning All. Hope you slept. The sun is shining here and I hope it is where you are. It's daft but somehow a relentlessly grey, rainy day like yesterday just adds to everything.

Will you be able to get out and go for a bit of an airing? If you do, ignore any happy looking people/families. Who the hell knows what is going on behind their front doors. I've stopped assuming that just because someone looks ok, happy and sorted, that that is the case.

Your parents sound like my late Father. He absolutely could not see why the minute I was away from my ex, I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't just say "Hey ho" and get on with life as usual. He used to get angry and ask me how long I was 'planning' on being down for. That feeling of being totally mis-understood, judged and found to be weak and useless, was one of THE hardest aspects of the whole thing. Looking back, I think I did bloody well bearing in mind what I'd been through but he was just relentless. Just try and remember that this is about your parents inability to handle what has happened, and not about you.

I hope next year, you'll look back at this Christmas and feel relieved that you are in your own place and feel that you are coming out the other side of a truly shit time. Just hold on. Protect and Survive. You'll be in my thoughts. I'm going to lunch at one of the friend's I made through an evening class. She is a true friend. I thought I had true friend's before my life imploded but, seems not. I hope you will start to meet people along the way who will be the sort of friends you deserve. and a hug.

Op you have done fantastically well to get out off a dv situation!

Amazing.

If you can then go for a walk.

Try not to worry about your friends as some people have no idea and the main thing is that you have tried to help others when they needed it.

Have yourself a peaceful christmas!

Earlspearl you did actually get a big belly laugh out of me, which is a miracle! Mice pie sounds amazing!
thanks everyone for replies!
Yes Nikki i am asked a lot by my parents, when i am going to get better. I was so upset last night and admitted I missed home / the town etc and having a family unitr and they said 'well tough, you're not there now and you won't ever be going back'. Yes i know.. that's WHY i'm upset.. a little understanding would be nice but am never going to get it...
We skyped my brother's family today and it was nice but i didnt have a choice.. my father said 'you have GOT to and it's not negotiable' and that started me crying last night saying i wasnt sure i wanted to see happy family when i'd lost my family unit (ie ex, his family, his boys) but my father said tough you're not with them now... he gave me no choice and i spoke up for once and said he was being harsh..this just angered him.. i was glad to skype them but at the same time very very sad... and wouldve preferred the choice rather than being told 'our house our rules'...
What strikes me is that so called close friends let me down or didnt invite me... yet new friends or people I hardly knew have been more there for me... i did get a last minute invite from a couple I know vaguely from Al Anon..and that was so kind.. and they have both been in my shoes.. when they were both single (they met through al anon) I wasnt able to go as have my petsitting obligations but it meant to much that they asked. Still gutting that friends in the next road didn't , when i ws there for them at lonely Christmases.. both of them.. now they are married (to each other) of course it's different (Well actually it shouldnt be though? if i were married i wouldnt be iin a little bubble)...so much for playing Cupid lol... no i dont expect a reward but just even a kind message from them would've made all the difference.. they are in the next sodding road!!

your dad sounds just like my parents, Nikki. The first time i left, in feb, was the worst. i had a full on breakdown. couldnt get out of bed for three weeks. Second day back here and they had found me a job. Not only was it totally unsuitable (in a lab, biology related, and i have no experience, though apparently i would've been accepted.. it was through my mum's friend) but it was intensive ie a 3 month job, mainly 7 day week!) They had NO idea! They thought it would be good for me to be shut in a lab doing 7 day weeks when i ws constantly shaking, crying, couldnt eat or sleep or hardly drive my car! and that was one of the reasons by end of march i'd started visiting ex again and by April was moved back in.

(no, i did not even attempt the lab job!)

Not been the easiest day, parents didn't even want to eat with me! Yet I've really been trying to make the effort to spend quality time with them! We skyped my brother and his family this morning but this afternoon my parents wanted to ring back to speak to him on just the phone, once his kids were in bed, as was hard to speak properly before. They insisted on me speaking to him... which I did in theory want to.. but was pushed for time as dinner being prepared and i had not even been in bathroom etc (as did the animals for friend this morn )and had messages to answer etc ...very painful period had just started, a week late (thanks Mother Christmas!) I said i would speak to him after them if they waited for me re dinner! as i still had to use bathroom etc. Rushed into bathroom after the call, washed hair etc, came down... to find that they had eaten their Christmas dinner! I said i had wanted to eat wtih them and they said they'd simply not been able to wait (as it was about 2pm eg wayyyyyyyyyyyy too late for them.... they cannot wait longer than that blah de blah.. on normal days they eat sooooooooo early..) (so they can't even hang on, for one day)... So I had a meal on my lap that they'd re heated, microwaved the hell out of! and had to leave a lot of I pointed out if i'd not taken the phone call we couldve eaten together but they had insisted I did...They honestly don't do this sort of thing to be nasty... it's just thoughtless..but they are so set in their ways.. they don't see it and how i was trying to make effort.. and please them by doing the phonecall even when i was pushed... so i felt a bit gloomy but knew i shouldnt take it personally,..
I also really miss my ex and i know i'll get flamed for that and accused of stockholm syndrome etc... i dont mean i miss the abusive alcoholic.. i miss the loving man i spent three years with before the drinking... it's like that man died but everyone pretended it wasnt happening..there was no funeral..people just seemed to 'accept' the monster that appeared in his place.. so i mourn the good, loving man he was.. it really does feel like a death I did not grieve (hard to understand unless you've seen someone change that much).. i think about the first Christmas but then the horrors of last one which is why im so messed up now... i try not to brood but its so hard when its anniversary of a horrible date.. eg the first time he tried to kill me... so why do i still grieve who he was..

To be perfectly honest your parents do not sound very supportive at all or kind or understanding

It makes me feel so sad to read after all you've been through that they're now being like this.

Is there anywhere else you can move to? I can't remember what you've said on the thread previously and I'm on my phone, so it's not easy to navigate on here. I just think you'd recover much faster in a supportive place

to move i'd have to live alone. that willbe the case and could be soon. i just have to find somewhere. but right now i kind of dread the idea of being alone.

Op, everyone it seems is with a DH DP or other family. you're feeling very lonely, abandionded and vulnerable. that's why youre thinking of the good times.

whatever you do PLEASE do not call your ex. Ive done that in the past and its not the thing to do. its so difficult mat the best of times, none more than xmas/new year/valentines.

ive also had the shittiest day, not ONE 'friend', KNOWING me aand DC have had a horrible year have taken HALF a minute of their busy day to ask after us, a text/email/phone message.

granted, I haven't contacted them either but that's not the point! for all they know ive topped myself,they know im extremely 'on the verge' (hope Im not stealing your thunder here, OP).

no invites at all this month nor new year, they kjnow whats going on in our lives and ok I know im not exactly jolly but id make an effort.

know youre NOT alone, even via MN. why are there so many of us mnetting today? through loneliness/etc. for you. x

Hi All so happy for you that you got a last min invitation. Even if you didn't go, it makes you feel like you exist and your situation has been acknowledged. And things like that are SO important when you are totally up against it. I guess it is times like this when you do get to discover the real character of the people around you.

Your parents sound so so similar to my Father. I felt, because he had taken me in that I had to tow the line and do what he wanted for a quiet life. His equivalent of your lab job was to train as a CAB adviser! I swear, some days I could barely remember my own name, let alone get my head round offering someone a full Benefits check! Things like shock, trauma, utter misery, homelessness, minus zero money, should be got over within a day or so and not to do so is a sign of weakness and poor character! Excellent stuff. Just try to tell yourself you are doing bloody well no matter WHAT insensitive and daft stuff they come out with.

Well, today is nearly done with. And it does sound to have been a struggle what with the forced phonecall and your parents' inability to hang on till 2pm for their lunches! You could throw in your two penneth by saying you think it's a sign of real weakness not to be able to hold out till 2pm, what with people in Syria, Sudan etc, on the brink of starvation most of the time.

It's natural that you are grieving for the man your ex was when you met him. You had good times together and he sounds as if he was a totally different person then. It's sad. Really sad. And it's ok to feel sad about it I reckon.

I hope you meet lots more people like the lovely ones who invited you today. Friend's who deserve someone like you in their lives. You sound a great friend to have.

When I had a hard time in my life so many friends let me down that i have become a bit cynical in my new friendships. It sounds dreadful but I can honestly say my new friends now are just people for me to hang out with, I don't really care about any of them because I now firmly believe that most people are selfish and 'friendships' don't come through in times of need. I hope one day I will think friendships are worth the emotional investment but for now I can take it or leave it. Just saying you are not alone in that.

similar here, zygons. Just two vague emails, that's it. Sorry you are having such a shitty day. and they should contact you.. I would always worry about friends alone. In fact I have been constantly messaging two friends who are alone and unhappy today (a long way from here or I'd visit). Oh and my ex keeps messaging me begging me to call. He can't ring me. So he's been getting others to ring me asking me to ring him. And know he's back on the suicide threats but nothing new there and are always bluffs. For a start, he's not going to be alone, his son goes to him tomorrow. I do miss him or the person he used to be but ringing him would be kiss of death

and yes i was tempted due to missing him so much but then i remember the absolute horrors of this day last year (and many times since)

monkey, it was a new friend who blew me out over Christmas invite. I shouldve been more wary of someone new. But we'd shared so much and i thought she was genuine... now she's really cold.. and some v v weird behaviour from her too ,quite frankly. another bullet dodged there i reckon

Nikki all that resonates with me! Our fathers are the same breed I reckon! Very old school. My dad is 75 btw and ex army, police and fire service, tough stuff. Fought in the Malay war (not sure if right name there.. war against terrorism in Malaysia) bombing terrorists so doesn't understand anything about weaknesses.The lab job was so utterly bizarre I just have to explain what it was! (or try to). I really, really could not make this up. It was .. training bees to taste things with their tongues.. I'm not sure why or how, for what reason....I really didnt have the strength to enquire further... but that was the gist of it. I can laugh about it now! Only my parents could find me such a position at their friend's workplace (boringly, she's a secretary, not a bee tasting trainee! )
Yes to forgetting own name. And where I park car.. etc.. that still happens.
Most days (back then) it was a struggle and achievement just to get my teeth brushed. In a stronger place now as hope to start a voluntary job in New Year.
Yes I grieve for who he was. It's like a death. And i grieve for home, what was home..and where I lived.. I'd made it home... I loved it.... I miss it so much still. Because I ran I never said bye. I wish i'd had chance to say bye to places and faces. If i did it now it would be too late and way too painful and would cause me massive setback. Just as seeing him last Saturday has set me back..
I loved where I lived and it's so shit here everything reminds me that I'm not there. Although i had the shocking year of abuse I also had the good years and in the bad year I threw myself into my environment there.. it was beautiful there and i could appreciate that even in the darkest days.. it's weird to miss places so badly but it's little things. My spot I always had by the Thames (as we didn't have a garden but were minutes from the river). Favourite cafe. The broadway where i worked and everyone knew each other even though it was the biggest melting pot and most didnt speak my language. I often felt more warmth & support from people who hardly spoke a word of english, than anything from my old friends back here. Even silly things like my favourite shops.. not in a mercenary way.. just places i'd go regularly that I;ll never see again. Places i'd sit and read to get peace or people watch. I also did a lot of street photography and that always made me happy there (wouldnt do it here). Walking along the Thames in all weathers and every day would count my blessings I lived in such a great part of the country. As it was a tourist town and very 'buzzing' and still quite new to me, every day still felt like a 'day out' kind of feel. I miss it all so much. My hometown makes me feel panicky and claustrophic as my dad was abusive when i was a kid (still can be verbally) And of course the love my ex and i had and put into our home, until that fateful day he picked up one beer.. after six years dry.. and then more..and so on..

When you're vulnerable it's all too easy to rely on people who seem to be available and supportive but remember your instincts might not be very spot on at the moment because you're so vulnerable so protect yourself and only rely on people you know will back you up. It's only christmas, no big deal, just go to bed early new year and it'll be done with. Sometimes people hear dv and don't want to support the woman cos they're afraid of getting implicated and putting themselves at risk which of course is nonsense but that's how they feel. Head down and get on with getting out the other side of this period of time and remember everything is great for as long as you don't contact him, that's the only bit in this that matters. Call samaritans if need be.

right now he's sending me suicide threats saying he's going to stab himself in heart with knife. Deja vu of last Christmas Day. same old same old. Oh he did the same on Christmas Day to ex wife too. In front of the kids. He's never harmed himself (except with drugs and booze). It's all attention seeking. Still horrible to read or hear but whereas I used to be terrified I'm not now. His family ignore it too , they say he's done it pretty much his entire life. (been an alci since teens... now mid 50s)

Throw phone away, he's not your problem. Next!

zygons would you say anything to these 'friends'? if they ask how your Christmas was? would you mention that a phone call or text would've been nice, or will you play it down? It's sad when people don't treat us as we'd treat them if they were in our shoes. I hope 2014 is much happier for you and less lonely.

monkeynuts he's messaging on Facebook. and I can't block him for 48 hours on it . I've tried!

last message told me not to come to his funeral. If i had a penny every time i heard that old chestnut.. he takes no responsiblity for what he's put me through . Such is the nature of alcoholism I guess.. it's all me me me

it's still distressing to read as brings me back to last xmas when i truly 100% believed he would do it

so i didnt leave and put up with some awful abuse (for six months) bcause i honestly believed him when he said he'd slit his own throat if i left

Oh flipping heck re suicide threatening txts. That's complete emotional abuse. Must be so hard to read though. His family are doing the right thing. People who are intent on suicide rarely, if ever, broadcast the fact beforehand, especially men. They tend often to bottle up whatever is going on inside and then just do it. The way he is making these threats - via fb - sounds like complete attention seeking/control/emotional blackmail etc. If he was going to have followed through, he would have done by now. Am glad you are able to ignore even if it makes for hard reading and takes you back to last year. Am so glad you managed to summon up the strength and courage to get out.