To feel so let down by 'friends' and feel so alone

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I know I've mentioned this in a recent post. But I can't find that post.. (I go on 'I'm on' and it doesn't show.)
I've cried continuously all day.
I left abusive alcoholic ex in summer but I still miss the 'good days' with him before the drink, and my home and everything (not related to him) eg job, friends, that I had to run away from. I am alone.. no kids, possessions still at my exs too. Pet is boarding.
I am back in my hometown, staying with my parents, looking for housing.
I have old friends here but of the ones staying in this town for Christmas.. no one has invited me though they know what I've been through/ am still going through.
With all these friends I went through all their heartaches, traumas etc in the past with them.
One friend was actually suicidal over being alone one Christmas after a friend had blown her out. So I invited her to spend it with me and my parents that year.
That friend is now married to a friend of mine that I introduced her to. They live in the next road from my parents. They know what I've through. But nothing. Not saying I would join them and be gooseberry, but would've been nice to be asked. Wouldn't have felt so utterly alone.
Other friends. . .they now have partners and /or kids and it's definitely been made clear 'oh it's all about them now'. Well when i wasn't single, I still made time for friends at Christmas especially the ones that were alone and going through a shit time.
So it seems no one wants the single friend who's had the year from hell, not even for a few hours. Even though they know i'm great at putting on a brave face. (which I can't say the same for them, in the past)....
I feel so hurt and alone and missing my old life (the good bits) too much too

[alltoomuchrightnow]

he constantly broadcasts it , usuually on Facebook so one day i called his bluff and published his address on FB and let others deal with it. so two ambulances were called. he told police he was fine and just doing it for attention. shockingly no one read him the riot act for wasting emergency services. anyway people will just always think he's crying wolf now

[nikkihollis]

Doesn't seem that calling his bluff has stopped him repeating the same old same old then. It's hard to believe he thinks people will pay him any attention now when he does this. Unbelievable!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

i know. now he writes that he's going 'for a big sleep'. He implies suicide but basically is very drunk and will literally go for big sleep. I could tell as his spelling was getting worse and worse...always a sign of his drinking..and his local offlicence is open

[nikkihollis]

Oh dear. Don't let him draw you back in All. Ignore. He wants a response and clearly is not responsible for himself and can't see what he's done/doing to those around him.

Hope you sleep tonight. That's Christmas Day 2013 over. Here's to a much better one for next year.

You'll be ok on your own if you get a new place. I used to be convinced I'd not cope (part of ex's abuse was reducing me to a childlike state and sapping my confidence. ). I honestly thought I didn't have the skills to manage on my own. Well, I didn't give myself enough credit because I manage just fine. And you will too. You can be far far lonelier in a crap relationship then you can be on your own too that's for sure.

Well done for getting through the day. Sounds a tough one but upwards and onwards.

[MissMirandalovesSunshine]

Please don't beat yourself up for grieving. I grieved for my first marriage, even though he was an abusive alcoholic. He used to pull the 'suicide card' too - he's still alive over a decade later.

Big hugs to you lovely x

[alltoomuchrightnow]

ah thanks MissMiranda. So it's definitely an alcoholic thing then? or do all addicts do this. I've no idea. I know he's now implying it on FB on his wall. Whether people still respond is another matter.
did you leave / end marriage because of his alcoholism?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

well done to every one alone/ sad for getting through the day. I can't say it was easy . Could've been worse I guess. Am sure many have had it worse today, despite being surrounded by family, having great presents etc.. Having two trips to look after friend's pets at least gave me some purpose and a chance to get out. Tomorrow I see a friend and breathe a big sigh of relief!

[MissMirandalovesSunshine]

I'm not sure if it's specifically an alcoholic thing - my stepfather was violent but not an alcoholic.

XH was mainly emotionally abusive, sometimes physically. I left after the second time he threatened me with a hammer. I was too shocked to leave the first time.

Well done for getting through today, it really does get easier.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

just can't stop crying right now. Yet again he gets to me. what if he tries to hurt himself to just get attention and accidentally kills himself. His ex wife always says that's her fear, she works in mental health and hears of a lot of accidental deaths in this way. I don't know what i'm crying for the most. feeling lonely or missing who he was or missing old life... seems to be so hard to get back on feet... like wading in quicksand.. i do thank everyone who replied on here.. it really went a long way to getting me through the day.. i just wish i could have a big hug. all i want is a big hug from someone who genuinely cares. there isnt anyone though. I wish my brother was here, he is so down to earth and always talks sense (bluntly) but caring but he's other side of world and not seen him 2.5 years

[alltoomuchrightnow]

MissMiranda my dad was extremely violent but no drink or drugs. But |I go to Al Anon and I guess i do hear a lot , how alcohols threaten to harm themselves. I don't understand why it's part of the illness... and they're already harming themselves with drink.. but i keep hearing this. and it's always about manipulation rather than them being serious

[traininthedistance]

Thinking of you OP and hoping tomorrow is a better day. FWIW I have been there with friends letting me down - about a year and a bit ago various things happened to me which were pretty awful (won't go into them but including close family member who was in intensive care with acute leukaemia), and I was just dropped by most of my friends, who never bothered to contact me or ask how I was - some of them I'd supported through various bereavements, life struggles etc. Some occasionally get in touch now to suggest cheery drinks or whatever so I assume it doesn't even occur to them that it was pretty crap to just ditch ne with no support, not even a text or email to ask how I was. Trouble is that their selfishness and lack of support was almost worse than the really awful things, as I felt all my friendships were hollow and my life had crumbled. I can't get over the sheer betrayal I felt about how little my "friends" did, so I can't feel I can see them any more really. Which just means I have no friends or support. I am hoping to make new friends somehow if I can; if I ever get any time away from looking after toddler DD again! But it feels awful because these were people I'd known for ages in some cases, some were work colleagues, but I thought I wa close to them and I also felt I'd invested my time over nearly 20 years with some of those people and only now found out they were as inadequate as they really are.

[traininthedistance]

And OP don't worry about your ex. He won't kill or hurt himself - men like that are far too selfish to do so. It's classic emotional abuse and you are not responsible for his emotions or how he feels, thinks or acts to himself. You're free!!

[MistressDeeCee]

Sorry you feel hurt, OP. Its the time of year as well..it makes you think and reflect. You've been through a lot and as you've found, being selfless doesnt mean others are. Hope you've had a nice day. In the new year take a deep breath and join meetup.com as a good way of meeting people, forming a new social life and getting into activities you're interested in. Reinvent yourself. & look after yourself.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

i'm just not handling it well right now. All i want to do is wave a magic wand and go back to before he started drinking again, and go HOME. I just want my home. but home is dead he is dead (the man he was) and my happiness is dead... i just miss home so much. I want to take my pet out of boarding and go home, go back in time and find my loving fiance there and the lifetime guarantee he will never drink..this is my fantasy.. i was doing so well in the last couple of months and thought i was over him and now xmas has set me right back months. he keeps messaging and asking me to come (don't worry I won't..not that stupid even though i'm in floods of tears.. of course i dont trust him, and will never forgive either re the lies, abuse, cheating etc ) i just miss home so much. I dont have the strength to start a new life or look for a home and go it alone. I'm too depressed. My anti depressants have been increased twice this year. They are not working any more. I just want my home. what was my happy home.but that's gone forever. He filled a place of love with abuse and fear. I feel so lonely. I had told a friend i wasn't properly doing xmas this year for so many reasons and she knows my circumstances yet just got an email from her asking me if i had a lovely xmas day (even though on the day itself, i messaged and told her i was struggling!) and for me to tell her what presents i got and she listed off a long long list of all her amazing presents and what family and friends she's with (huge family) (i know she would invite me but she's in Ireland, I'm England) but she knows i couldnt afford to give presents and probably wouldnt be receiving (i didnt) ..she's not a mean person at all but again its thoughtless... not the family thing so much but everything.. i wouldnt ask someone 'what they got' when i knew they couldnt afford to 'do' xmas or couldnt even emotionally do the season..

[LetZygonsbeZygons]

OP Ive pmd you.

[nikkihollis]

All you sound so miserable. And people being useless/insensitive, makes it so much worse. Can you go back to your GP and tell him that you aren't coping and that the ADs aren't helping? I should imagine that seeing all the dramatic messages from your ex are really triggering everything you have been through too. Any way you can stay away from fb while you are feeling so rough?

I wish I could wave that magic wand for you but I can't. The only way out of this is through it. But I do think you should go back to your GP and tell him what you've said on here.

[MissMirandalovesSunshine]

Hello lovely I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I agree it might be a good idea to go to your GP.

I'm sorry about the thoughtlessness of other people. Hang in there lovely, try and take things one hour at a time.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

thankyou. I have brought much of this on self by letting ex make contact over xmas. I thought it was 'safe' to do so as he had not been aggressive when i saw him at the event on saturday..he was just a pitiful mess. So i let him have contact since.. basically as i was trying to be compassionate as his dad is dying and so i could be updated. I thought, no way would he be vile and vicious to me under such circumstances (how wrong I was, and should've known from much past experience). But it opened up so much... and made it raw. And then..tonight.. he let rip.. a ton of abusive vile messages and also on phone too. Turns out his son decided not to go and stay with him tonight after all (I'm guessing ex wife rang and heard him drunk and kept son away..) so ex took it all out on me..(also its telling that all his single friends who are usually around, have kept away from him this xmas..) his usual style. It was awful deja vu especially of last Christmas. Vile name calling and threats just came out of the blue when literally seconds before he was amicable. inc saying that he's going to burn all my stuff. I have precious photos etc there. Ive heard this a million times re my stuff and i'm sure he's bluffing but one day he may not if pushed too far. He will certainly be tipped over the edge again when his father passes (any day now).
One 'good' thing is.. i'm less homesick. It's a reminder that though i miss home , a raving mad man/ monster is there. If i think of that then it makes it less 'homely' ..what am i really missing..well the old times of course... but this is who he is now. there is nothing to miss. :-(

[PeriodFeatures]

It will all get better. If you can view the loneliness as a space of possibility rather than a negative space, what comes along to fill it will be better for you that what was there before.

Embrace the emptiness if you can. Christmas will be over in a few days anyway.

[MissMirandalovesSunshine]

I found it hard to 'let go' of my XH because my mind kept going over the nice bits, before the madness started. I had to get the police involved in the end which helped me immeasurably.

It's not easy, but you have done the right thing by leaving. And it's useful (if horrible) to have a realistic reminder of what you've left.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

yes that's how it is MissMiranda. The mixed bag of emotions... remembering the sober, loving man (ie 3/4 of our relationship) then the abuse, madness, chaos of the last year of our rel, and all the time since then (ie punishing me for leaving) . And yes.. tonight was a realistic reminder. That I've done the right thing.. no matter how hard.. lonely.. homesick.. resentful...

[alltoomuchrightnow]

that it was still the best move I ever made (to get out) despite all the losses

[SunshineOnACrappyDay]

Hello lovely, how are you doing? (Formerly MissMiranda)

[alltoomuchrightnow]

hi thanks for asking, hope you are doing well (and everyone who replied). In some ways better, some ways worse. More friends around now (who'd been away etc) and I was actually proactive and invited myself, with friend, to our mutual friend's for N Y Eve, in a different part of the country. I thought we were being cheeky and short notice but turns out she's delighted and we're all doing something on N Y Day together. I'm so glad I asked. I think it will do all three of us good. For a while we'd all lost touch but had a reunion in October which was lovely.
Apart from that.. ex has been taking advantage of a friend's empty house (ie he is house sitting) to ring here from the friend's landline (ie a number he's not blocked from). It's caused many rows and upsets in this household.. mainly that my dad listens to my ex rant (a lot of it is that he's pretty deaf and it kind of washes over him!). but my mum just wants to put the phone down on him. She yells at my dad as he doesnt put phone down or passes it to me, then they both yell at me. I've been in absolute pieces. Yesterday she threw the usual in my face.. that i'd ruined their lives and caused my father's heart attack in September (he was in Australia with my mother.. I was here housesitting) due to stress of my ex. Again I've offered to get them a caller id phone and they completely refuse in many ways as stubborn as my ex I got extremely upset yesterday and went off to a friends because I cannot stand all this blame. It's making me ill again. My mother asked me to stop him ringing here. umm ok let me find my magic wand I said i could speak to him but he'd do it all the more as he'd be gleeful we were so upset. I went to ring him and she wouldn't let me do so. She told me to write to him (ie snail mail). this does not work.. i've done it before.. it actually makes him worse. So i can never win and certainly I can never stop him. I am not responsible for his behaviour and even if i was, I do not have the power to stop him! As I said , I'm away N Y Eve but i feel for my parents if the ex keeps ringing..he's bound to be in a bad way then. I think he's going stir crazy as been alone all xmas plus his son didn't come.
I'm on eggshells all the time and a bag of nerves. The anxiety is so bad again I've got nervous twitches etc.. so embarrassing . With him i was always on eggshells and obviously a lot worse there but it's awful here too as I'm so very aware of trying to protect my parents, and feeling badgered and bullied by everyone. I feel sick everytime the phone rings, as does my mother. (Please don't suggest changing their landline number, they never ever will. They were furious that i even brought it up. )
My mother is angry with me that my insomnia is so severe (jeez thanks! like i need anger on top of total frustration and exhaustion!). I tried explaining it's got worse as i'm so mindful of her and my dad and trying not to upset them and feeling helpless that i can do nothing re my ex. She just isn't buying it and just says I must sleep. Well if i could, I wouldnt have a problem would I?! there is no 'must'.. i can't, not as this point in my life, and believe me, i've tried everything. Her making an issue of it and putting pressure on me makes it far worse. How can statements such as i'm to blame for my father's heart attack, help me sleep? It makes me have suicidal thoughts and fear he may have another one.
I feel I need to move out asap as i can't take much more but it would actually make it worse for them. He'd pester them more as to my whereabouts. (of course they wouldn't tell him..but you can imagine.. his having lost control.. at least here he knows where i am ...)
He wants me to come and get my stuff and he's making threats about burning it etc but i know if i arrange a day he'll cancel on me or i'll turn up and he won't let me in. And i'm so depleted right now i can't face a visit to my old home or to more of his abuse.
I'm so emotionally exhausted and frazzled again
Tomorrow i'm meeting someone from my Al Anon meeting for support (away from meeting) as i can't go on like this. Life has become unmanageable again and i'm such a mess in every way and not looking after myself..as he has got to me again. I keep getting up and putting on dirty clothes and not noticing/caring.. wandering round in a daze.. i recognise myself slipping back.. i don't even have the energy for simple things like cooking.. i'm just too overwhelmed.. (this is where i am grateful for my parents as i just can't cope with practical stuff right now and they do cook etc for me otherwise i wouldnt eat) I don't want to slip back and I'm scared but he still has that hold on me.. basically because i'm so affected by how it affects my parents. The guilt of it and how it makes them ill. Yes it makes me ill but he's my ex not theirs. I'm a victim but they are even more so.. they didnt ask to get involved in any of this. And i want to be a survivor. I was doing so well and now i'm back in the pit again so to speak.
And as i said before.. police washed their hands of all this. All i can do is wait till he calms again or has a distraction.. he usually does but when, i cannot predict..could be weeks could be months..

[alltoomuchrightnow]

phew that was a long un sorry everyone !