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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my friend to call me by my actual name?

76 replies

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:03

Ok, it's not a massive issue really quite trivial but this has really annoyed me.

When I married DH I didn't change my name. This friend knows this as she also kept her name when she married her DH and we discussed the whole change name/don't change name thing in detail. She was much more militant about it than me - "DH doesn't own me, patriarchy etc etc" . I just wanted to keep my name because I like it.

Anyway, several years later, we both have DC and friend decides to change her name and take her DH's name. Her choice, whatever.

I am still Ms Eagerbeaver.

Just received Christmas card in the post titled Mr and Mrs DH initial DH surname and it's really annoyed me. I will grin and bear this from older relatives, where I haven't really explained the name thing but why would a friend who knows full well what my actual name is do that ? Using "Mrs DH initial" adds extra fire to my ire.

Haven't seen friend for a while, don't live near, we're all busy with work/kids but I have known her for years. I know it was her and not her DH because I recognise her handwriting.

So, AIBU to be really irritated by this? Should I ask friend WTF is that all about or just let it go?

OP posts:

BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 07:07

This old chestnut again?

There is a social etiquette to most things and correct addressing of envelopes is one of them

In the same way Zara Philips remains Zara Philips to us, she is really Mrs Michael Tindall; that is how she is listed as heir to the throne. I presume her Christmas cards are addressed Mr and Mrs M Tindall and shes not having a massive hissy about it!

saggybaps · 24/12/2013 07:11

Let it go. When you are writing 50 Christmas Cards it's quicker to write the traditional family name. As she is you friend she probably, but incorrectly, thought you wouldn't mind.

She was wishing her good friend (you) a merry Christmas, focus on that part & throw the envelope away.

JeanSeberg · 24/12/2013 07:14

But that's not OP's name, Mrs Husbandsurname, is it? Don't get your point.

I feel similar as my friends insist on addressing my cards to Mrs x, even though I reverted to Miss when I divorced 11 years ago...

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 24/12/2013 07:14

She probably feels guilty at having given in and changed her name so doesn't want to acknowledge that you haven't.

Bohemian slightly skewed social etiquette there that involves calling somebody a name by which they do not wish to be called. Seems rather rude to me. As for 'she is really Mrs Michael Tindall', it's not a natural law FFS!

friday16 · 24/12/2013 07:15

she is really Mrs Michael Tindall

Only if she has changed her name. The idea that married women "really" have their husband's surname anyway and anything else is just an informal affectation is pure fantasy. If a woman has taken her husband's surname, then getting worked up about "Mr and Mrs X Surname", where X is the husband's initial, is a losing battle as the convention is half as old as time itself (although that doesn't make it any better). But if they haven't, then there is no Mrs X Surname.

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2013 07:17

ikwym OP- now she has changed her mind, she's assuming that you must feel the same!

Original poster

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:20

Ahh BohemianGirl I see, social etiquette says it's appropriate to call me by someone else's name. O wait, no it doesn't.

I will probably, reluctantly, let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt. But I will quietly think she's gone a bit Stepford.

OP posts:

Idocrazythings · 24/12/2013 07:24

How would you have preferred the card addressed? I have a friend who uses her maiden name at work. Not sure what she does otherwise and I addressed their card to Mr & Mrs married name because (1) the DC were annoying me, I felt stressed, in general not about cards, and I wanted to get them finished and posted (2) I wasn't sure how I should address it- previous years I just write their Christian names (3) I couldn't be arsed putting anymore thought into it because of reason (1).

Perhaps your friend was feeling a little bit (1) and (3) as well??

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2013 07:26

why didn't you do (2) again?
Or call the DH by her maiden name?

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2013 07:26

The correct way of addressing people is by their name! Their actual name.

I will tolerate Mrs Dh name surname from elderly people, but nobody else.

I didn't take him surname firstly so it has never been my name and I am not Mrs!

OP, YANBU.

JumpingJackSprat · 24/12/2013 07:30

It's a feminist issue. One day it will no longer be seen as default to use the man's name instead of properly addressing things to the woman as though she is an equal to the man.

MusicalEndorphins · 24/12/2013 07:32

I would bring it up as I would not appreciate being addressed as Mrs John Smith(for example) one bit. I don't even write Mrs. for my own name, never mind Mrs. John Smith! Your friend needs a reality check back into 2013.

Original poster

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:33

Well Idocrazythings most people write dear eagerbeagle and DHsname like they did before we were married. That works for me. It's really not that tricky.

When other people, who I have never talked to about the fact I kept my name, do this, I don't get bothered.

This friend however talked to me at length about the name change thing, several times, on different occasions. She knows my name, she herself used to rage about people calling her by her DH's name.

I think *Stealth's" nailed it. She's massively changed her thinking and had applied that to me.

OP posts:

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 24/12/2013 07:35

I retained my name when I married 16 years ago. I never really considered doing anything else.

The only place I'm known as Mrs (DH name) is DC's school. And that is only because the school assumed to call me that and I never corrected them as it didn't matter that much to me.

When my friends write to me (not that often, birthday and Christmas mostly) they will send to Ms Macbeth if just to me (birthday) but if to us as a family (Christmas) they will always write Mr and Mrs DH name. I'd think to do otherwise was odd and over complicated.

If I go somewhere with my husband (restaurant for example) we'd always announce ourselves as Mr and Mrs DH name. It's just simple and straightforward. Even though, aside from my marriage certificate, I have nothing to prove I am Mrs DH

I think YABA bit U to be so annoyed by this. What has your friend done in previous years? Is she really the only friend to do so? I suppose if you feel she has done it deliberately to make a point then YANBU. But why would she?

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2013 07:39

Well turning the question round, given that the friend clearly knows (following conversations) that the OP has chosen to retain her original name, and also knows she feels strongly about it (albeit not quite as strongly as the friend herself used to feel) why would she choose to address her using a name which isn't the OP's?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 24/12/2013 07:44

Ah. I see you think she has applied her changed thinking to you. Assuming she has never done this before then maybe YANBU to be annoyed after all.

And I don't agree that when a woman marries she becomes another name - whether she wants to or not. That's just madness. I definitely did not become Mrs DH name. And the only times I'm called it is because I've allowed it to happen. I'd be within my rights to correct the person and insist on being called by my name.

akachan · 24/12/2013 07:48

I would find this irritating. Probably not enough to confront my friend though, I'd just find it odd and move on.

Original poster

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:48

Every year until now friend had used my real name.

As I said, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't want a row about a flaming Christmas card. I do wonder what's going on there though. I am hoping it's been done without thinking but I have my doubts.

OP posts:

MrsLouisTheroux · 24/12/2013 07:54

Eagerbeagle
I like what you or possibly autocorrect wrote in your OP!

I am still Ms Eagerbeaver.

Original poster

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:58

Oooo, I quite like that. If I change my name will you respect my decision???

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 24/12/2013 08:03

You could treat it as a joke. Take a picture of it on your phone and send it to her with something like "haha you nutter, this must be for DH other wife".

I hate the whole 'it's the correct social etiquette' It's not, if it's not someone's name then it's rude. Personally I find following 'the social etiquette rules for addressing envelopes' annoying but probably because since I've moved in with my BF my friend now addresses things to us with Mr BF Surname & Miss MimiSunshine.

I don't give a flying fig that it's "the correct way" I've known her 20yrs why can't she put my name first?
I know for a fact that when / if we get married she'll put Mr & Mrs DH Surname. Even if I change my surname I won't ever have his first name.
Ggrr rant over

BohemianGirl · 24/12/2013 08:13

Whether you like social convention or not, it exists. Some people understand and apply it, others don't.

nitrox · 24/12/2013 08:17

MrsLouisTheroux, glad I'm not the only one that noticed it...

Original poster

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 08:17

I say stuff any social convention that's sexist, outdated and rude.

OP posts:

wherearemysocka · 24/12/2013 08:19

It's correct social convention to call someone by a name that isn't theirs?

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