To expect my friend to call me by my actual name?

[eagerbeagle]

Ok, it's not a massive issue really quite trivial but this has really annoyed me.

When I married DH I didn't change my name. This friend knows this as she also kept her name when she married her DH and we discussed the whole change name/don't change name thing in detail. She was much more militant about it than me - "DH doesn't own me, patriarchy etc etc" . I just wanted to keep my name because I like it.

Anyway, several years later, we both have DC and friend decides to change her name and take her DH's name. Her choice, whatever.

I am still Ms Eagerbeaver.

Just received Christmas card in the post titled Mr and Mrs DH initial DH surname and it's really annoyed me. I will grin and bear this from older relatives, where I haven't really explained the name thing but why would a friend who knows full well what my actual name is do that ? Using "Mrs DH initial" adds extra fire to my ire.

Haven't seen friend for a while, don't live near, we're all busy with work/kids but I have known her for years. I know it was her and not her DH because I recognise her handwriting.

So, AIBU to be really irritated by this? Should I ask friend WTF is that all about or just let it go?

BohemienGirl I think a lot of people who choose not to apply it, do also understand it.
They just believe it's an antiquated formality that you could say has no place in a modern equality driven society

These threads are another one that belong on the 'only on MN' thread.

In the real world, some professional woman may retain their name for professional reasons - however the majority of them do follow social convention in their private life.

Social convention is not a natural law!

'Only on MN' Are you saying you never heard of anyone in RL not changing their name upon marriage?

I am with the op.

Why on earth would anyone address someone by a name that they know isn't theirs?

I would address her card to Miss x maidename on purpose.

I d

In my circle of friends a large number of women have kept their own surname. I think it's rude to follow what you assume to be social convention if you know it's been rejected by the recipient.

I thought just their Christian namees didn't seem right for some reason, maybe because I was writing everyone else's surnames on the envelopes, could have been the full moon?. No other reason. Also i do think she only uses her maiden name for work so I thought it might be odd if I used it on her card. So people put ms eager beaver and mr married name on your envelope? I wasn't sure if that was right either? TBH I just wrote it moved on to the next card and never really thought again about it until I saw this thread. I have no idea of the right thing I changed my name to avoid all that!

Crap sorry. Now I'm doing it to you, eagerbeagle

I'm Ms or Miss too. There isn't the slightest legal requirement to change your name and Bohemian girl's point is wrong.

Interestingly you will see in Scottish title deeds and graveyards from 18th and 19th century the references are frequently in the format "Jean Smith, wife of John Black"

Zara Philips isn't really Mrs Michael Tindall.
She is really Ms/Mrs Zara Philips.
Her choice, it would piss me off too OP.

FYI Miss Zara Phillips is only known under that name in her professional capacity as an eventer. In her personal life she is Mrs Mike Tindall. It's just that the media keep referring to her as Zara Phillips, just like they keep referreding to Kate Middleton - she is Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, not Kate Middleton. If you had read the official preganancy announcement from the palace about Zara and Mike you would note that it was 'Mr and Mrs Mike Tindall are please to announce....'

that specific example apart (and as a person who does correctly address envelopes to Mr & Mrs DHInitial DHSurname as a general rule) I think your friend probably wrote on auto pilot and didn't realise. I did this a few years ago to my aunt and uncle - she has never taken his name but I forgot in the haze of writing 60 Christmas cards! I would let it go to be honest. (and if you choose to ignore social conventions you shouldn't get so riled about people getting your name wrong every so often)

YANBU.

I get this and I'm not even married to DP.

As others have said, I can overlook it in aged relatives who probably assume we are married and aren't really down with modern ideas about equality (it's only been a few decades, after all). But it pisses me off from SIL and BIL, for example, who are ten years younger than us and know full well we're not married.

It's a Christmas card, not legal papers, so I'm sure there'd be no problem with addressing to DP firstname and my firstname.

Queen, dogged adherence to a convention without regard to others' personal choices is bad manners.

Yanbu op. I kept my name after I got married. I would be annoyed, especially as your friend knows thats not your name. Why address someone by a name they know isn't theirs? Rude and a bit ignorant.

something I wouldn't do it to a non-married couple - that's just odd and wrong!! and I do make an effort to remember which friends have and haven't changed their name but mistakes happen and if this is the first time this has happened to the OP from this particular friend I would let it go as a mistake, if it happens again I would mention it in a lighthearted way. (I got severely reprimanded by my aunt and iit was the first and only time I'd made the mistake with her and I thought she was overreacting tbh)

Oooh , so glad you put me right Queen, I didn't know one effectively lost one's first name too when getting married.
I wonder if Zara answers to Michael/Mike.

for the record, I don't get worked up when i occasionally get mail to my maiden name (doesn't happen often though) EXCEPT when it's MIL as i know she is trying to make a point that she doesn't count me as family!

tara I'm just stating a fact in her case she chooses to be known in the traditional written format in her personal life. sorry if her choice offends you.

i have a couple of friends who calls me Mrs DHFirstName - and i do answer, as its meant in a lovely way.

Her choices don't offend me, what offends me is people calling me by a name that isn't mine because they think it's lovely.
If the school can get my name right when they have hundreds of different names to remember then I would expect a close friend to extend the same courtesy to me.

for the record, I don't get worked up when i occasionally get mail to my maiden name

Yeah, but that was your name once, and presumably for at least 16 years, even if you married as young as legally permissible. If a woman has never elected to take her husband's name upon marriage, it had never been her name. It's not comparable.

YANBU.

I don't get all this bloody 'tradition' stuff, i have not taken either of my husbands surnames. My surname is mine, it's unusual and reflects where my ancestors are from.

Im ok with those who don't know or just assume that I have taken my DP's name but from family and friends who ignore it that for me is insulting to me as it's clear that they don't respect or accept my decision based on their values.

For OP her friend clearly doesn't respect her decision anymore and I would be annoyed.

For those who don't mind if people address things by name which isn't yours - that's cool. Just some feel more passionately about it than others.

I didn't change my name (mostly cos I cba). We get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs DHinitial DHsurname. I couldn't give a stuff.

You think a friend doing this is bad? My ruddy father addressed our Christmas card to Mr & Mrs dh initial dh surname. He knows full well I never changed my surname, let alone my first name!

I put up with it from elderly relatives who are accustomed to the old-fashioned way of doing things (especially as they are all women) but my Dad is only 67 so there is No Excuse.

Mind you, he also sent me a cheque where he'd signed the 'amount in figures' box. So he clearly wasn't paying much attention.