To expect my friend to call me by my actual name?

[eagerbeagle]

Ok, it's not a massive issue really quite trivial but this has really annoyed me.

When I married DH I didn't change my name. This friend knows this as she also kept her name when she married her DH and we discussed the whole change name/don't change name thing in detail. She was much more militant about it than me - "DH doesn't own me, patriarchy etc etc" . I just wanted to keep my name because I like it.

Anyway, several years later, we both have DC and friend decides to change her name and take her DH's name. Her choice, whatever.

I am still Ms Eagerbeaver.

Just received Christmas card in the post titled Mr and Mrs DH initial DH surname and it's really annoyed me. I will grin and bear this from older relatives, where I haven't really explained the name thing but why would a friend who knows full well what my actual name is do that ? Using "Mrs DH initial" adds extra fire to my ire.

Haven't seen friend for a while, don't live near, we're all busy with work/kids but I have known her for years. I know it was her and not her DH because I recognise her handwriting.

So, AIBU to be really irritated by this? Should I ask friend WTF is that all about or just let it go?

I know some people do the maiden name at work, DH name at home. I don't I'm eagerbeaver eagerbeagle to everyone

So you do get worked up when someone deliberately calls you a name that you don't wish to be called, Queen , how is that different to the OP wishing to also be known by the name she has chosen? This isn't a case of the friend not knowing, she's doing it deliberately.

What Zara Phillips/Mrs Mike Tindall decides to do is entirely her own call. But it's extremely disrespectful to knowingly call someone by the wrong name to make a point.

I would raise it in a jokey way. I like the idea of sending her a pic asking if its for his other wife, or even just saying 'just cos you've changed your name doesn't mean we all have!' But I think you'd need to get the humour in there if you don't want to annoy her.

It is not uncommon for my friends and family to keep their names, I'd say about 50/50. What we do with cards, if mr smith and ms jones are married and both have kept their name is refer to the smith-jones family on the card.

Or occasionally mr smith and ms jones, or first names.

I find the assumption that thirty-something women with established careers will suddenly start to be known by a totally different name baffling, but I accept their choices when writing cards. I do expect the same consideration. For those wittering on about tradition: you do know it was traditional for women not to get the vote? Not to be given bank accounts without their husbands permission?

I agree with you OP. She knows your name and has chosen to change it. Annoying especially after the fuss she made herself over her own name.

YANBU - the old etiquette may be correct for those that have taken their husband's name but it most certainly isn't where they haven't. I'd let it go this time but if she does it again I would tell her you don't like it.

YANBU. Despite conversations we've had, my DF does this to me every sodding year. I am relegated to 'Mrs .

He knows that I did not change my name on marriage. However, he has firm ideas about what a married woman 'should' be like... and I am a constant disappointment what with my short hair, feminism and so on.

However, I address their card Mr and Mrs because that's how they roll. I can only imagine the shit I'd get if I was also fucking rude enough to address them separately against their wishes.

I really wouldn't worry about it for a moment. It's a Christmas card envelope that you glance at and throw in the bin.

At most, it worth a mention to her when you next see her. It's certainly not worth getting irritated or angry.

YANBU

The only polite thing to do is to call people by the name, surname, and title, that they prefer.

It's acceptable to get it wrong if you have to guess, and people whose titles or surnames have to be guessed should not be offended if they are called Ms when they prefer Mrs, or if someone assumes that they have the same surnames as their child.

It's not acceptable to repeatedly get it wrong once you have been told.

YANBU

It's rude and infuriating.

DH's family still address cards to us as Mr and Mrs HisInitial Hisname, when in the 17 years we've been married I have never been anything else except Ms MyInitial Myname

Yes, I'm married, but the law in England and Wales does not require a name change on marriage, and it's thoroughly bad manners to ignore someone's personal choice and insist on a form of address that is totally outdated.

In fact, due to religious reasons, I'd rather not use a title as well, but systems in this country demand one. Ms does the job fine. I'm not changing.

YANBU

My own mother did this on our Xmas card, knowing full well I kept my name when we married a few months ago. I was very tempted to forward the card onto my inlaws - it had their name on it not mine.

I think it's really offensive to assume women will change their names after getting married and I'd always steer clear of following that particular convention unless I knew for sure that the woman in question wanted to abandon her name. Conventions change and that one is so outdated that I'm surprised anyone other than the elderly still follows it.

You know, I don't think YABU as is it your personal preference and you have made it clear to your friend. I also don't think she is being deliberately offensive as she's probably written a ton of cards using the same formula and it didn't cross her mind.
But to be honest it really wouldn't bother me. Me and DP aren't married yet I'm frequently referred to as Mrs dp's surname by our friends (in a lighthearted way) and often as a couple "the dp's surnames"
We have been together forever, longer than a lot of our married friends but I don't see it as offensive, just that people see us as a married couple which to all intent and purposes we are (without the legalities)

bohemiangirl - the polite social convention is to address people by the name they choose to be known by.

For example, a friend of mine is married but has kept her own name. When she and her husband were invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, the invitation arrived with both their names on. If the royal secretaries think that is the right thing to do, why on earth should anyone else be so rude stuck in the mud as to insist on calling someone by a name they have never used?

Slightly sore point with me as for 15 years my in-laws either called me by DH's surname (which I never used) or pointedly avoided using my surname at all, to the extent of, for example, posting birthday cards to me addressed with only my first name. It is only since DH has died that by some logic they have allowed me to use my own name, even though I am pretty sure that by their rulebook widows are still supposed to use their late husband's surname...

the only polite way to address someone is as they want to be. I remember my mother tearing strips of some upstart in a gym because he used her first name - apprarently they were told to, to 'put customers at ease' mum just informed them that as she hadn't invited him to he shouldn't. It is a stupid social convention that people defend in the name of 'tradition' well a lot of things used to be traditional and are traditional in other cultures that we find now abhorrent - so that's a silly defence. It keeps alive, on an insidious level, that women are subservient to their husbands and somehow defined by their marriage - BOLLOCKS of the highest order. I had this argument with my inlaws once - DFIL pointed out that it goes with providing for the family etc etc etc - so I calmly pointed out that in that case DH should have changed his name to mine as I do all of that so if we can dispense with one tradition, we can dispense with another. Okay, rant over.

socks it annoys me because she is doing it to make a point about disapproving of my marriage to DH, not just because she got my name wrong.

does the OP know for definite that the friend has deliberately used the wrong name? as opposed to it being accidental whilst writing a whole heap of other cards? The op says she hasn't seen the friend in a while and I personally think it is a complete overreaction to 'ask her WTF is that about' based on 1 occurrence from someone who you don't see often. if it was an ongoing deliberate use of an incorrect name of course the op would be right to mention it, (in a light hearted manner, not in an argumentative accusatory way) but this appears to be a one of isolated incident.

People routinely spell my first name wrong, it never bothers me as a one off/from people who don't know me. it only bothers me if it is done repetitively by people who know me personally. My best friend has spelt it wrong on occasion - as she is a friend I take it as given that it is accidental. why would a genuine friend deliberately try and annoy the op? a mistake is much more likely.

My God - all these First World Problems to be solved

The Mr and Mrs HisInitial Surname thing is rude - it might be an outdated social convention, but so are lots of things. Doesn't mean it is reasonable or polite in 2013.

Addressing a woman by a name she doesn't use, because it is her husband or partner's name, is rude. Fine if it is in genuine ignorance, but otherwise - rude.

DH's sisters kept their names. One for work only, one for personal life. The difficult thing is that when a person keeps their name there isn't a common standard, and that is confusing to other people. If someone uses their husbands and children's name in their family life, then it's not wrong, and outsiders are not always clear about which convention the woman is following. In a Christmas card list, you may encounter a few people opperating different standards of naming convention.

Changing to a spouses name is not redundant and (in my experience) still the majority behaviour. It takes time for social convention to catch up. It's not worth getting offended over. The important bit is that the name is correct inside. It's not as if we routinely call ourselves Miss/Ms/Mrs surname to our friends for it to be a high priority in their minds.

At our wedding I made a big point of being Mr X & Mrs Y surname. Not "Mr & Mrs X Surname". Our return address stickers are also like that.

My colleague was telling me that when her grandmother's husband died and she was trying to sort stuff out she ended up with some serious trouble because she'd always been know as Mrs. Tom Smith (not actual name) so Mrs. Jane Smith didn't exist. She had to basically prove she existed and she was well in her 80's.

OP - Honestly while it would bother me (enough to make a point of my reply being addressed in the manner I like it) it would mostly help me realise this person isn't actually a friend. She either forgot, or she doesn't care. Most likely she just assumed even in the face of your previous discussions, because she "came to her senses" that you would have too.

YANBU. I'm not married to my DP, and we have kids. I can just about tolerate cards addressed to 'the Smith family" but DP's aunts etc keep on addressing us as Mr and Mrs John Smith. I know they are just traditional and don't mean to offend but I can't stand it. Mrs Smith is my mother-out-law, of whom I am really fond but I don't want to be her, and Mrs John Smith is not a person at all. I have a name; what's so hard about using it? It's the same as not bothering to check the spelling of someone's name and just spelling it any old way - not very thoughtful, if not intentionally rude.

Mitchell2 my reasons for keeping my name were the same as yours. I really don't get the "it's so confusing" chat - find out someone's name and use it, simple.

I once addressed an envelope to "Mr & Mrs Smith". Mrs Smith had a massive rant at me for assuming that she had changed her name. Trouble was, I had only ever been introduced to her as Jane Smith, and then later when I met her husband, I was introduced to Pete. No one ever told me he was Pete Brown rather than Pete Smith. So yes, I did make an assumption, but I did feel it was a bit unfair to have a go at me about when I've never been told what his surname was. She could have just pointed it out in a, "For future reference," informative way.

So anyway - if she knows your preference, then yes, she's being unreasonable. If you've never told her then she wouldn't be, but it does seem an odd choice when she has been militant about it herself.

(Most of my cards this year were addressed to "The Jones Family" and so on.)

"In the same way Zara Philips remains Zara Philips to us, she is really Mrs Michael Tindall"

you are joking aren't you? you do realise that women do not have to change their name?

I am married but i am not a mrs and I am most certainly not 'really' mrs dh's surname.

OP
I am Miss Talk : I have all my work related paperwork - including passport, electoral roll, NI number, CRB and bank account in that name.
I am also Mrs Peace : I have all my family paperwork - including a different passport, different electoral roll, CRB and bank account in that name

over the last 30 years I have learned to tolerate every single permutation of my name
except my mother addressing my by DH's initial

OP
pick your battles ...

with unmarried couples I tend to write
Jack and Jill jills surname
or Jill and Jack Jacks surname
or do an utterly random double barrel

I don't like being Mrs X Bunny, when I'm Mrs S Bunny, but I confess my own card label printing document is a total hotchpoch.

I hate doing cards, I can't be arsed to sort it out.