Upset by trainer at gym, aibu?

[Gymphobicmum]

I probably am. :)

I'll start off by explaining that in June I was a lot heavier than I am, 5 stone heavier to be precise. I have worked so hard and got down to 12 and a half stone. I am 5 foot 3 inches, so I am aware I'm still overweight but I have had SO many lovely comments and was feeling quite good.

I do want to lose another 2 and a half stone to bring me to a healthy BMI, and to do this decided to join a gym to go to in the new year. So I had an appointment today (quiet time of year they said!) to get me used to the machines and all that.

Anyway, firstly I was grilled as to why I wanted to join, I explained I wanted to get fit as I currently do NOTHING but I kept being 'steered' towards talking about my weight. "Any other reasons/ are you interested in nutrition/do you want to lose weight?" Well, I do, but to be honest it's very personal and I don't want to talk about it with the trainers yet. So I said just general fitness was ok, was my aim.

So I am shown around the machines and all was fine but the first comment that upset me a bit was the stomach exercises. I was told 'you'll need this, it's a great exercise for getting your spare tyre down!' Ok, I DO have a spare tyre but ... Then I was forced to do a load of other exercises for 'flabby arms, saggy buttocks, wobbly legs!'

I honestly was upset but not that much, I just thought 'general woman target areas' and then I was done. I was then asked again if I wanted to lose weight and since I obviously do, I said yes as I thought saying no would sound stupid, it's just I'm not using the gym as a weight loss tool but a health/fitness tool. But anyway I was told to stand on the scales. Sharp intake of breath and I am told I am 12 and a half stone, 5 foot three inches and therefore am 'obese' and at risk of all sorts of horrible illnesses and at that point I did lose patience and said thanks for the compliments but I'd decided not to go ahead.

I know they couldn't have known I had already lost a lot of weight but I really feel shit. Why didn't they just accept someone joining the gym to join? My friend goes and only ever uses the sauna and steam room. I just want to improve my outlook on life and I have felt so good lately but now I just want to finish the mince pies and clotted cream and devour the quality streets as obviously no matter how much weight I have lost I still look like a cow!

Please be nice, aibu?M

Darkesteyes - that is not uncommon!

My gallstones seem to have been caused by changing to a low carb (and balanced) diet.

I was trying to empathize! I am the first to reach for the chocolate bar when I am upset! I recognize I need to change that!

I have not managed to lose more than a few lbs, in all the 8 years I have been trying.

Well, then you'll surely know it isn't easy!

My confidence dive bombed since gaining the weight and I've only recently started to feel like myself again, and being told, even in a roundabout fashion, that I still look very large IS upsetting - wish it wasn't, I wish I had the confidence to 'whatever' it,but I don't.

Personal trainers tend to assume all women want to lose weight, in my experience. I contacted a few recently just to design me a weights program because I do mostly cardio stuff and I want to get buff. Despite me being clear about what I wanted and that I'm happy with my weight (my BMI is 21), all their emails back talked in generic terms about diet plans and weight loss goals.

Er, no, I wasn't trying hurt you AT ALL. I acknowledged that you have done a brilliant job so far.

But I was just trying to give you a perspective from the likely POV of the gym staff, who haven't been given a full picture/history by you.

Let me make it very clear. You gave them no clue as to what you have already achieved and when they asked you if you wanted to lose weight you said yes.

You are, technically, obese. So what did you expect them to say to you?

Look - I've been where you are. I am 5 foot 2 and - 2 years ago now - I was just 5lbs away from being technically obese. I do get how it feels.

But I think you are being unreasonable to expect the gym staff not to say/do anything else if you're not prepared to confide in them and tell them exactly what you have already achieved and what you want to get out of the sessions with them. They aren't mind readers!

And I really, really, really fucking object to the assertion that I don't support people who want to lose weight, given everything that I do on the low carb/Bootcamp threads.

I know how it feels to be overweight. I have been there myself. That's why I do what I do on MN.

I expect them not to cattle prod me onto the scales for starters!

I expect my weight not to be mentioned, as I didn't mention it and I didn't say I wanted to lose weight, I said I wanted to get fit.

I accept you didn't mean to upset me, but I was upset and I am upset.

I'm afraid I don't go onto the threads you mention, but I certainly didn't say you were not supportive. I simply don't want to be told by people in real life how awful and obese I look and I'd rather not have it here, either.

Im sorry but just no.

I have been obese and am also a professional in this industry and this isnt how you do it. We do NOT look at a chart and tell people they are obese. We look at client goals and 10% loss for clinical improvements first. We also ASK people about their weight history rather tham jumping in with a judgement. You shouldn't have to tell them. Assumptions should NEVER be made in this game.

Then why are you posting? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but really - what do you want to hear?

If you're not prepared to articulate what you want to the gym staff, what do you expect?

Obviously the gym staff shouldn't make those kind of assumptions, but if you're not going to tell them what you want, then it's kind of inevitable, isn't it?

Fuck knows why I'm posting, actually. To sound off, because for no good reason somebody made me feel like a burst bag of shit, is probably the answer.

I did tell them what I wanted, I said I wanted to improve my fitness levels, but apparently a fat shit like me shouldn't want this, and should want to lose weight, should be concerned about their weight and their only priority should be their lardy arse.

That's how I was made to feel.

I said at the start I wanted to improve my fitness, but that wasn't good enough and I was asked outright if I wanted to lose weight and shoved onto the scales. And yes I should have been assertive but I was near tears by that point and wanted to get the hell out of there.

The impression I had from them and sorry but from you also is:

You are fat, and walked into a gym, so OBVIOUSLY you want to lose weight. Because you're SO big that's OBVIOUSLY what they saw.

After having worked very hard to lose a lot of weight, that's hard. Really hard.

YANBU.

Well done on the weight loss! Keep going and don't let the barstards grind you down!!

I have lost 5 stone this year, going from 19 stone to 14 stone. At 5 ft 6 in I am still quite fat obviously and am hoping to lose another 3.5 stone next year.

Everyone that knows me constantly comments on the transformation in my appearance and how "great" I look, but I am well aware that anyone who met me first time would simply look and see a fat person, which is what I am.

Yes, this trainer sounds quite tactless, but tbh you didn't help yourself here, From the outset you should have explained that you have recently lost weight and now want to get fit.

There are people your size and even bigger, like me, who don't truly realise how fat they are and how damaging it is and it would be remiss of him not to mention it. You deliberately avoided mentioning weight despite obviously needing to lose a bit of weight, and that is odd frankly in this scenario, and he must have found it quite strange.

If you didn't want to be weighed then you should have said so. You come across as very sensitive about your weight and appearance but how was he to know that?

She.

Perhaps compared to seven and a half, two and a half stone doesn't in my mind constitute 'quite a bit of weight.'

Why should I mention my weight, if I don't want to? (And I don't.) I mean that genuinely - what has it to do with anybody else, medical professionals the exception, I suppose? Why was my original answer to her question not good enough?

I should have said so, but it's hard to be assertive after a hour of being insulted.

Anyway, this thread has made it clear I am not ready for the gym as I really, genuinely am not using it to lose weight but to try to improve my fitness levels and attitude to my body, but it seems that isn't good enough and I 'should' be losing it to lose weight, and I don't want to! I don't want to talk about my weight with anybody I don't want to and surely that is reasonable?

Pathetic trainer you should have told then to F off. Find a new one. Although that will be difficult because gyms are for people who care about their appearance not fitness. Maybe find a sport or game you enjoy that also keeps you fit?

I'm 5ft 3
I'm carrying weight Athe moment, I'm 9 stone. When I recently spoke with a gym they spoke about my wobbly tum or spare tyre. They spoke about firming my bum, it's their job.

I think it is pretty unrealistic to think you are going to get yourself that fit without losing the weight first, so in your case it seems logical to assume that weight loss and fitness go together.

I agree that in the supermarket and hairdresser your weight is none of their business, but in a gym it is totally relevant to what you are doing so discussing it seems reasonable to me.

I do understand that 2.5 doesn't seem much compared to 7.5, I am in the same position as you, but you need to keep it in perspective. As I said, someone who doesn't know how well you have done will just see it differently completely.

If you had started this year weighing 10 stone and now turned up at the gym weighing 12.5 you would be well aware that you needed to lose some weight. The trainer didn't know which direction your weight is currently going in.

Op you are t the wrong gym.

Shop around.

I think that your feelings are important, you didn't want to talk about your weight issues because it upsets you, that is your prerogative and this trainer really sounds as though he should go on a communication training course. I empathise that your self-esteem is low but maybe you could go back to gym and let them know how the comments made you feel? Stand up for yourself! This person may have upset other before you and is likely to hurt others be the lack of sensitivity.

Don't let people treat you/make you feel like this.

Maybe they wouldn't have said that if they had known you had already lost so much weight, but that doesn't change the fact that they were rude and insulting. At least you cottoned on to their rudeness before paying whatever crazy amount they'll be charging for membership, good riddance. Hopefully you can find somewhere nicer next time and don't let it get you down.

Sticky I disagree it's their job unless you're going in with figure issues.

I was crystal clear. I was super fit, a size 8 and quite strong. I got ill, got told I couldn't do certain activities, got nasty tablet, got lazy...so far so downward spiral. I told PT all of this and that I wanted to increased general fitness, then strength (which is my forte).

Weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. I have 2 stone I need to deal with for sure, but for me after illness, being unable to lift average weights after being someone who could deadliest my own bodyweight was more important. Likewise, I am no great runner, but I could do a 10k in 62mins which is shit, but it's a great achievement for me- and I wanted to get back to that. I was more fucked off with being weak and useless than fat tbf.

Oh and I had a PT tell me if I lifted heavy weights I'd get a thick neck.

I was 60kg and squatting 80kg, deadlifting 120kg at that time for reps. I wish I had the figure I had then.

I would complain the gym especially if you have paid for this induction/PT session as part of your joining fee, as you have not been given what you have paid for. I would threaten to cancel especially if you have a cooling off period where you can get out of your contract with no penalty.

You made it clear that that you wanted to work on your fitness, and it appears that at no point did the PT attempt to ask you what about your fitness you wanted to work on e.g. cardiovascular, strength, flexibility, etc or ask you what your goals were. They simply assumed that your goal was weight loss, which was not your reason for joining the gym.

At your next induction I would make it clear that you want to work on your fitness (and I would expect to be asked questions about what you meant by fitness). If any one asks about weight loss, I would quite clearly state that you have already lost 5 stone by dieting this year therefore you are already addressing this area of your health and that you do not want/need advice concerning this. I have joined the gym as my goal is to improve my overall fitness/cardiovascular fitness/strength/flexibility, etc please can you advise me concerning this.

Weighing is unnecessary at a gym. When I started getting fitter I started to put weight on as I was losing fat but gaining muscle (as my clothes were getting looser).

You should be proud of your weight loss. It is an amazing achievement

GymphobicmumMon 23-Dec-13 23:54:39

She.
So internalized mysogyny then!

Perhaps this trainer should lose the Grazia subscription.

Username if it were me i wouldnt want to excsersise in front of someone who has already shown such contempt for me So if it were me i would be putting in a complaint and going elsewhere.

OP, I sympathise. I am obese, trying very hard to lose weight, and I have been doing a LOT of exercise for the last three months to try to improve my health. I have met a fantastic personal trainer through doing her classes and she has given me the confidence to go back to the gym and start on weights this week. She has never mentioned my weight - our conversations have been entirely about my fitness, and never less than encouraging on her side too.

I would suggest starting with classes rather than the gym, and classes that sound fun. I absolutely love Zumba for example, and it's cardio and toning in one. Aqua fit classes can be a bit more strenuous than the popular image of aqua aerobics - we use weights to add resistance - and are lots of fun. Trust me, I was veery unfit indeed a few weeks ago, and now I can do things I thought I would never be able to do. I wouldn't have stuck at it if I'd just walked into a gym.

My understanding is that to help weight loss, you need to work on major muscle groups, as it's the muscle mass in your body that boosts your metabolism. That's why I'm finally heading back to the gym, to do weights on my legs and arms. For the general fitness I'll do other things.

Also, I've just bought Maraca attack from Miranda Hart. I watched it today and it looks like a great DVD for people just getting into exercise. I'd say lots of the exercises are ones that I do in my classes, and she has a low impact option too. Maybe do something like that for a little while to get into the exercise mindset in a low key way.

Your weightless is amazing. You're doing brilliantly. In your position, I'd have shouted it from the rooftops at the gym!

YANBU to be upset by the trainer's behaviour which was quite rude but YABU to think that the appropriate response to that is to self-sabotage your famtastic effort so far (5 stone in less than 6 months!) by eating crap and deciding not to join a gym afterall.

Youve done really well on your weight loss but i do think you are being a bit unreasonable.
I do think biwi is right. Most people say oh i just want to get fit when really they want to lose weight. They really do go hand in hNd anyway. Then you did agree with him so he thought he was on the right track designing the right exercises for you.
If you do still need do need to loose some weight them your bmi maybe in the obese section.

Think maybe you just took it too heart. I dont mean it harshly. Im no skinny minnie eithier.