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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 6 year old DD to spend tomorrow cooking?

111 replies

PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 18:40

I think I am.

DH's family are Spanish and MIL has just started teaching DD how to cook. I have really mixed feelings about it- if she were a boy she would not be in the kitchen, but she adores spending the time with MIL and I do think it's important that she understands the culture. The cooking effort for Christmas starts tomorrow at SILs and DD and I have been invited. She is desperate to go but I dunno, I just don't want her to be another woman stuck in the kitchen while the men sit on their arses and do nothing.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 23/12/2013 19:00

I consider myself a feminist but I still think YABU.

As she is an only I think the gender issue isn't relevant here - but if you also had a DS (of an age old enough to cook) and he wasn't being invited then fair enough.

She has a chance to learn to cook with grandma. FWIW my Dad never cooks and neither did my brother but my mum is a great cook and all three children (DD, DS1 and DS2) love cooking with her when she comes.

However say to your DD that she doesn't have to cook all day can stop when she has enough.

valiumredhead · 23/12/2013 19:01

Oh and if she doesn't learn to cook herself how will she teach her future ds's?Wink

IamInvisible · 23/12/2013 19:02

I'd let her do it.

Children learn so much from cooking and it is a life skill. It would be better than sitting mithering all day.

Original poster
PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 19:03

Oh and if she doesn't learn to cook herself how will she teach her future ds's?

I like that Grin

OP posts:
Mim78 · 23/12/2013 19:03

Is there any reason why DH can't go along too, or take her instead of you?

I think if she wants to go you should let her. Maybe not for entire time as someone has suggested - you could go on to the park or something and says it's important she gets fresh air to sleep well before Xmas.

You could also just tell you think that, while it's brilliant to be able to cook, it shouldn't be a male/female thing.

Ubik1 · 23/12/2013 19:03

It sounds fantastic. She is a lucky girl.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 23/12/2013 19:04

But cooking with a multi generational group of women is fun! Cooking is fun and an important skill.

Boys should be in the kitchen too ( my 11 yr old DS loves cooking). But that is not your problem here?

Do you really think letting her sit on her arse in any way would be more fun? Are you fighting your feminist battles through your daughter, and is that fair on her?

Original poster
PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 19:05

DH would not be allowed into the kitchen! Women only.

OP posts:
BlueStonesBells · 23/12/2013 19:05

I see your point, actually - for me the question would be will your daughter be witnessing all the men sat on their arses whilst all the women work in the kitchen?

I'd let her do it on condition that MIL involves the men in the cooking too. Though I expect that won't happen.

2kidsintow · 23/12/2013 19:06

The gender thing would bother me. But the social aspect of all the ladies together baking up a storm for Christmas would have me there, as I love that kind of thing.

Original poster
PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 19:08

will your daughter be witnessing all the men sat on their arses whilst all the women work in the kitchen?

Yes. On Christmas Day the men sit in the living room and talk, watch sports, the women finish cooking. The men sit down at the table first. They are served first. Then they return to the living room and the women wash up.

Are you fighting your feminist battles through your daughter, and is that fair on her?

I suppose I am, but I know that environment has a huge influence, and I dislike this one.

OP posts:
Mim78 · 23/12/2013 19:08

I think just make sure she knows your opinion that cooking is not a female "job" and something anyone can (and should) get involved in.

Does she see your DH getting involved in cooking at home? Or male members of your family?

BlueStonesBells · 23/12/2013 19:08

Ah, cross post. Nah, I think I'd refuse on this occasion then, if the men really won't be part of it. Easy for me to say, I know. It's not about learning to cook - which of course is useful - it is about witnessing that the men do NOT cook.

Original poster
PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 19:10

She does see DH cooking at home, I suppose.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 23/12/2013 19:10

Do you see cooking as a drudge? If you're not good at it then a bunch of women slaving away while the men laze is probably your view.

But if you were good at it, you might see it as a right laugh, all the women doing a life-affirming enjoyable activity, with men banned because it's a female space.

It depends on the atmosphere in the kitchen, I think.

Mim78 · 23/12/2013 19:10

Ooh just read your post about xmas day. That would annoy me - for some reason especially the men being served first! I got so annoyed about my g ma doing this once! If I am cooking I try to do something non sexist like youngest to oldest or vice versa (guests first of course!).

Why can't they even do the washing up?

valiumredhead · 23/12/2013 19:11

You need to have words with the males in the house not stop her cooking.

Lavenderhoney · 23/12/2013 19:11

Sounds lovely to me, and any boys/ men should be encouraged to join in.

What would really piss me off would be the clearing afterwards of the table. At my mils, she expects all the men to sit whilst her and her buddies whisk about being all housewifey and practically kissing the feet of any man who stops talking long enough to say thanks for clearing his plate away.

I get very annoyed, especially when she takes over at my house and tells all the men to sit down whilst the ladies clear. I have tried to override her but dh says it makes her feel useful and wanted.

My ds and dd both help as i tell them too, and without fail mil tells ds to sit down with the other men hahaha. Ds just stares at her and says " I like helping"

And breathe:)

Marylou2 · 23/12/2013 19:11

I don't think it's just about cooking.It's about the warmth, love and intimacy that female members of a family share. I'm sure you will impress your principles on your daughter throughout her life, as well you should but don't deny her the chance to to bond with other members of her family in this special way. Even when she's a surgeon or a QC the ability to knock up a delicious spanish meal will be an amazing string to her bow.

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 23/12/2013 19:12

"will your daughter be witnessing all the men sat on their arses whilst all the women work in the kitchen"

Yes, this. This I would not at all be happy about.

Hulababy · 23/12/2013 19:12

If DD didnt want to cook what would happen? Would she be able to go and do something else, play or sit in the other room - with the men? What do you do when you are not cooking with them - you say you are excused?

If you are sat chatting with the menfolk, then she is seeing that the cooking is not comulsary anyway, that it can be optional for those who don't wish to do it.

BlueStonesBells · 23/12/2013 19:12

Hmm. Can you prime her with lots of ways to tease the "lazy men"?

And the men getting served first would annoy me. Luckily she sees your DH cooking, so she won't absorb too much of this nonsense.

Original poster
PintameElCielo · 23/12/2013 19:12

The atmosphere in the kitchen is amazing. I don't want her to miss out on that. Really, really warm and loving.

Why can't they even do the washing up? They're too special Hmm

OP posts:
FlowerytaleofNewYork · 23/12/2013 19:13

X post. I would not be happy with those Christmas arrangements.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/12/2013 19:14

Can you perhaps say that DD needs her daddy along with? That way she gets the benefit of the tradition (which I think is lovely, and important - cooking is a good thing to be able to do and passing down memories in families is lovely too). But she also gets to see it's not just about women.

What does you DH reckon? Would he be up for standing alongside DD while MIL teaches her whatever it is? At her age I expect if he is there, she will not see it as a purely female thing, even if he really hasn't the first clue what to do!

And, um ... if he isn't up for it, TBH ... you have bigger problems than this one!