Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sons girlfriend cooking for herself in my kitchen?

129 replies

RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:00

Don't know if I am or not?

DS1 girfriend is usually here from Friday through to Monday

When I'm cooking I always ask if she would like some, sometimes she does other times she might not like what I'm making or not be hungry at that time.

She often buys some things for herself and of course I would never expect her to offer to share food she has bought.

However I have an open fridge/freezer policy and she knows she is welcome to help herself to what ever is in

I'm just feeling a bit Sad as she has just made baked potatoes with cheese but didn't ask if I wanted one too.

Am I being daft?

OP posts:
punny · 23/12/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HandragsNGladbags · 23/12/2013 10:04

My DM does this with SIL's. One SIL always helps herself to whatever she wants and doesn't display basic good manners - imo.

If she is getting a biscuit she should ask if anyone else wants one if she is leaving a room with people in to go and get it.

If she makes a brew she should ask. And she shouldn't take the last helping without checking.

For me these are manners you would have in your own house, and however comfortable you are in someone else's you should always be that little bit more considerate.

However, she's 20 and probably shy, and lacking in some social graces. I was at that age. As long as she is polite in other ways I'd let it pass. Does your DS contribute to the food bill(sorry if I've missed that)? That might make you feel a bit happier. I can see why it would irritate you, it would me.

MincedMuffPies · 23/12/2013 10:05

I would just see this as thoughtless really. You said yourself you have a help yourself policy. I do think ds needs to contribute for her keep though.

I wouldn't of asked anyone if they wanted a jacket potato the same I would have for a cuppa tea.

springysofa · 23/12/2013 10:36

I've shared my house for years - international students - and it's the small things that get you the most because they (usually) speak volumes. You become uber sensitive to every nuance when you're sharing your private space.

If this is getting to you then it just is - I don't blame you, you are feeling invaded. She could be shy, she could be whatever, but you feel invaded. ime I get the rules sorted at the very start, and like a teacher with a new class, I am quite draconian - it's the only way in my long experience of if I give an inch, they often take a mile (repeatedly proved).

You do have to choose your battles though. The ship has sailed for getting things established right at the start and there's only so much catchup you can do, or you'll end up with the role of picking and nagging. You have to suck this up - but next time, make a light comment (and hope she gets the message - not guaranteed!).

I'm also single and get the 'she's on her own and wants company' patronising shit. There is no way my student guests are 'company' as I doubt very much your ds and his gf are 'company'. You just want to be respected in your own space.

springysofa · 23/12/2013 10:42

oh and let's not judge about the gf's mother 'beating her up'. In conflicts with their parents, teenagers can put a slant on things that is not entirely accurate.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/12/2013 11:12

This calls for a new year's day chat.

'Ds and DS's gf - you are both welcome here but now that you are of earning age, I think it's only fair that you start paying your way and start thinking of others other than just yourselves whilst you are here - this is a family home and if for example one of you makes a cup of tea, you need to ask if anyone else wants one. Ditto putting the oven on for an hour for one baked spud. It's just not on and you both need to step up to the mark.

I am here 7 days a week, DS you are here 7 days a week and DS GF you are here 4 days a week so I have split the bills into 18 and I will pay 7/18, DS you need to pay 7/18 and DS Gf you need to pay 4/18. On the estimated monthly readings that's X for me and DS and Y for DS GF starting now.

Many thanks

Rose'

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 23/12/2013 11:18

oh and let's not judge about the gf's mother 'beating her up'. In conflicts with their parents, teenagers can put a slant on things that is not entirely accurate

How bloody patronising. I moved in with my (then) DP at age 18 because my sdad was abusive. I certainly didn't put an inaccurate 'slant' on anything, so a very silly comment to make.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2013 11:21

YY to Funky re: the bill splitting AND for making the point about the oven being on for an hour for one potato when it's commonsense to ask if anybody else wants one and lob another one in.

roseredder... Use Funky's script for your chat, it's exactly right.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 23/12/2013 11:23

If I was her I'd have lashed it in the microwave Blush

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 23/12/2013 11:27

Oh and springy she's 20 not a teenager

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2013 11:37

Blimey. I cant see she's done anything wrong at all. I mean, if I was eating a packet of crisps or something then I'd offer some to whoever was there, but baked potatoes? That's a fairly random thing to offer out.

And the cups of tea, really, who can't just get their own? Is this really worth causing confrontation over - seems she's fitting in as unobtrusively as she can to me.

moominleigh94 · 23/12/2013 11:55

Bloody hell she's got balls Grin I'm 19, been with my boyfriend 3 years and we're expecting a baby together for goodness' sake and I get on really well with his family but there's no way I feel confident enough to just wander into their kitchen and cook myself something Grin when I'm staying over (not very often but usually in uni holidays) I even ask him to go and make a cuppa because I don't feel confident enough Grin

I think it was a bit rude of her not to offer - I'd at least have offered if I did have the guts to do it - but I just admire her confidence. That said, bloody hell someone teach her that you can microwave a jacket potato.

springysofa · 23/12/2013 12:07

I can see why you are aggrieved, baubles, and I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience. For every legitimately abusive situation like yours, there are others that aren't necessarily. What I'm saying is that things aren't necessarily how they are portrayed - they may be, but they may not be, especially at that age.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/12/2013 15:29

And the cups of tea, really, who can't just get their own? Is this really worth causing confrontation over - seems she's fitting in as unobtrusively as she can to me

Boiling a kettle for one cup of tea? Surely it's common sense to ask if everyone wants a cup at the same time. Esp when they are paying ALL the bills.

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2013 16:36

I'll admit I'm suspicious of motive here. I suspect if the OPs kid was a girl and it was the BF staying at weekends, nobody would bat an eye at his failure to offer cuppas and baked potatoes to all.

I have a horrible feeling the 'two women, one kitchen' crap of ye olde days is rearing its head.

NickysMam · 23/12/2013 16:59

Just be honest with her but also understand that it may be awkward for her in the first place.

I lived with my ex-in laws for months and I barely cooked for my STBXH, son and I due to feeling uncomfortable with using their food. Also buying our own separate food was hard as it took up fridge/freezer space. I felt even more awkward having her cook for us because we're adults with a child of our own.

I once cooked a meal for the whole family to give her a break and she was pretty angry at that as I "used the house ingredients" and apparently implied that I "don't like the food they eat". Then few days later complained that she's fed up of cooking for us (STBXH and DS). So I started buying our own food and cooking for us but she'd complain that I was using too much space, gas etc.

Thank goodness I'm out of there.

NickysMam · 23/12/2013 17:05

MorrisZap that certainly was the case with my MIL and me.

Also, I definitely showed my gratitude by cleaning her house daily. Her children barely lifted a finger because I did it all just to make their lives easier and to pay my way too.

she begged for my return didn't she. two fingers!

sorry if I'm hijacking

Original poster
RoseRedder · 23/12/2013 17:06

MorrisZapp I have a horrible feeling the 'two women, one kitchen' crap of ye olde days is rearing its head.

I hope not!

I'm over it now Grin but will have a chat with them both in the New Year

I think I had a bit of Christmas blues yesterday (and really wanted a baked potato!)

I was brought up to always offer out of manners, others in the house if you're fixing yourself a drink or a snack/meal. My DC's do this. That's just the way we are but I appreciate that others don't work like that from reading posts here, and that's fine too

vtech No I don't want her to be my friend our replace a void in my life, well I mean of course I want us to be friendly but not 'friends' in the way you're are implying

Do you really think I should ask her for 'dig' money? She is after all a guest?

OP posts:
ThurlHoHoHow · 23/12/2013 18:05

I think every weekend for a few nights, when you are buying extra food, puts her ever so slightly over the 'guest' mark.

Also I get why you were upset - it's one thing saying they can help themselves to toast or cake, but a bit more to actually cook something without asking if anyone else wants some.

nkf · 23/12/2013 18:09

It sounds to me as if the norms of house share are being introduced into a family home. I have no idea how to make it work, but I doubt that anyone is being unreasonable.

cjel · 23/12/2013 18:20

I'm afraid I know only too well how these things that start off fine suddenly start to annoy. Been there with dd and ds. My now dil was very welcome and they lived with us during her pregnancy and new born and although there were never restrictions on helping herself I cooked main meals and we all did lunches together, I would go for the chat saying you were feeling a bit strange about it all and could we discuss meals etc. Another thing that annoyed me was doing all the clearing up and then finding they had had bacon sarnies or something and as the diswasher was already on were left on the side!!! Or the morning I'd decide to get up early and they had beaten me to the washing machine when I planned a day washing -grumpy me??

Original poster
RoseRedder · 23/12/2013 18:43

cjel that makes perfect sense to me!

I hate the late night snacking they have so there are dirty dishes on the side when I wake up and haven't bothered to empty te dishwasher

Or the hour long baths when I need in the loo

Or using all my nice shampoo/conditioner/showergel

Don't get me wrong I really like his GF but I never signed up to live with her, if that makes sense

And these are all really small things, perhaps I am selfish and getting upset for no resason

OP posts:
dozeydoris · 23/12/2013 18:45

I don't think you are selfish, just normal. You like your stuff the way you want it, constantly having someone else around is a pia!

cjel · 23/12/2013 18:53

No its your house and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable. The kitchen was all we shared as we had ensuites and spare lounges so I suppose I was lucky. I had to get to the stage with mine when I actually said - my house my rules!!!! Wish I'd spoken up as things happened.Its 9 years later and they have long gone and we still get on great.

Original poster
RoseRedder · 23/12/2013 19:08

cjel I'm really glad it all went well

I think I'm at that stage where they haven't yet flown the nest but want to pretend they are living together in their own flat

Without either of them fully realising how that makes me feel

It is my house, It is my home.

I love both of them but sometimes it can become a bit too much and you end up wanting them both to get stuff togther and get a flat of their own

That does not mean I do not like/love them

OP posts: