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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sons girlfriend cooking for herself in my kitchen?

129 replies

RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:00

Don't know if I am or not?

DS1 girfriend is usually here from Friday through to Monday

When I'm cooking I always ask if she would like some, sometimes she does other times she might not like what I'm making or not be hungry at that time.

She often buys some things for herself and of course I would never expect her to offer to share food she has bought.

However I have an open fridge/freezer policy and she knows she is welcome to help herself to what ever is in

I'm just feeling a bit Sad as she has just made baked potatoes with cheese but didn't ask if I wanted one too.

Am I being daft?

OP posts:
vtechjazz · 22/12/2013 21:14

This reply has been deleted

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SirChenjin · 22/12/2013 21:16

You bored tonight Vtech?

Rose - seriously, lay down the ground rules. You should not feel as if you're being pushed out of your own home - that is awful. They are taking the piss, big time.

Salmotrutta · 22/12/2013 21:17

vtechjazz - do you have a MIL?

Do you get on?

Do you have a son?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 22/12/2013 21:18

It's ok to say that it's not ok for her to stay 4 nights a week.

Salmotrutta · 22/12/2013 21:18

Oh, sorry OP Blush

It's your home too, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable so maybe a light touch is required if you like her and she is just being a bit thoughtless?

Salmotrutta · 22/12/2013 21:21

Yes, 4 nights a week is quite a lot tbh even if she is buying food.

How many threads do we see on here about people not liking house guests over-staying their welcome?!

And this is every week - for four nights!

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 22/12/2013 21:21

I had the exact same arrangement with my DP and his mother in law, I'd stop all weekend. If I made a cup of tea or something I'd always offer but if I was making food I'd just nip down and make something quickly. I just didn't want to be in her way on intrude so would make something and go back upstairs.

I wasn't being rude, and certainly respected her and her house I got her flowers and a card to say thanks for letting me stay.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2013 21:22

vtech... Oh I think your hypothetical MIL would be fine with that, really.

SirChenjin · 22/12/2013 21:26

Why do people put up with unwanted house guests that their offspring bring home on a weekly basis? Confused I couldn't have afforded to live with any of my boyfriends at that age, but my DM didn't see it as her job to provide them with bed and board - and rightly so.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 22/12/2013 21:26

And now I'm older, I wouldn't expect my sons girlfriend to offer me if I'd given her reign of the kitchen. If just let her get on with it.

I wouldn't feel hurt OP, I understand why you are but it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or doesn't respect you.

vtechjazz · 22/12/2013 21:28

Yeah, she'd rather have a sniveling wretch buying her stuff and behaving like Cinderella.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 22/12/2013 21:29

sir well there's not really any costs involved is there as long as they get their own food? I used to go home for a shower most days.

NewtRipley · 22/12/2013 21:30

vtech. I don't think that's the alternative. Bit extreme.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2013 21:31

OP - see, there's various issues here, one being that surely if she's there as your DS's guest, he's being very rude not to cook for her!

I'd talk to your DS, say that while you do like her, having a guest in your house every weekend is getting a bit much, and you'd like them to be a little bit more considerate to you that you might like to have your own space, so perhaps they could make this only every other weekend. If he doesn't like her mum's house, then they might just not get to spend every weekend together.

I would put money on faced with the choice of "not seeing girlfriend or having to put up with her house being in a dodgy area and hard work MIL" your son will pick to see her - and have you really not had words with your son about a) being a snob about where his GF lives - how rude to her! and b) being horrible about her mother - his future MIL if he sees this relationship lasting.

It's not fair on you that you always have to have another adult in your home. They have options to go elsewhere, they are just chosing your house as the best deal for them, but it's not the best deal for you.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2013 21:33

Sorry missed saying, to me it seems much more your DS is taking the piss and encouraging his guest to, they aren't treating this house as it's your home or thinking about your feelings. At 20 he's old enough to realise he needs to think about other people too.

AnuvvaMuvva · 22/12/2013 21:33

I know why you're annoyed. You must feel like a landlady, and quite a lonely one. They have each other, but you don't have a partner right now. And as a LP, it's the little things, like ALWAYS having to make your own tea or your own bloody baked potatoes, that get on top of you.

And you're being endlessly thoughtful and kind - thinking of her when you're out shopping, getting in her favourite food. But she can't seem to think of you for one moment, even when you're only upstairs?!

I know it's not rational to feel like this, but it's how I would be feeling. Probably you're always the "thoughtful" one for everyone else, but few people are thoughtful towards you. (Maybe your DS1 is, but not so much when she's around, so her presence is taking him away from you too.) Your inner dialogue swings between rage and guilt.

I'm 100% projecting this, and you might not feel half as bad as I've just described! But it's how I would be feeling. Especially at Christmas, when it's easy to get irrationally hurt by the smallest things.

SirChenjin · 22/12/2013 21:34

It's not just the cost though - it's the fact that the OP has already said she doesn't really want them there, and I don't blame her. This is my family home, not a house share - if any of my DCs wanted to live with their partners then they could wait until they could afford to in their own place. I wouldn't want another person in the house for any length of time, on a regular basis, regardless of how nice they were.

Vtech - do you have problems with your MIL that you'd like to talk through here?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 22/12/2013 21:35

She's there the majority of the week - it some ways, she's still living with you.

AnuvvaMuvva · 22/12/2013 21:36

How did things blow up before? When she was there full time?

Oh, at 20, I'd have been too self-conscious to ask if you wanted a potato. But then I'd have been too wracked with nerves to eat anything, especially stuff I hadn't bought, so I'd have stayed upstairs rapidly vanishing.

ToucanBlack · 22/12/2013 21:42

I used to be this gf! I do look back and cringe a little at myself.

I think all families are different. In my own family we would often buy and cook something just for ourselves or friends etc and it was normal, my parents were never bothered by it. Especially just a little snack!

However at DH's house ALL meals were family meals and MIL expected to be involved and included in anything we ate. Even if she had already eaten Confused

I found it exhausting tbh.

MIL was single at the time and I think that made a huge difference too, she must of found it hard watching (now DH) doing things for me rather than her. Now she has her own DP I don't think she'd be as bothered.

SirChenjin · 22/12/2013 21:55

I think what's key is whether or not you have the absolute agreement from the homeowner (and everyone else in the house, for that matter) before you move someone into the family home either on a full time or part time/regular basis. If you have that agreement, then I think ground rules need to be set and it needs to be reviewed regularly to make sure that everyone is happy and that it's working well.

The OP has already said she feels unhappy, pushed out of her own home, and wishes they would move out but their finances are preventing them doing so. That is just awful.

Original poster
RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 21:57

DontmindifIdo thank you

He's not being a snob, it is a bit of dodgy area. A guy of 22 got stabbed the day after his Gf and mother moved in. In the stairs of the buiding

I think he is scared to go there, not out of snobbishness but fear

The reason his GF ended up living with us was down to her mum's behaviour, she beat her up one night

I can understand in a way why he doesn't particularly like her.

Although his girlfriend has forgiven her mum and is living with her again and I think she is upset that DS refuses to go there

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 22/12/2013 22:00

Ah OP, I know the feeling.
We had BIL living with us 5 days a week while he was in college (rent free). Agreement was that he would cook and clean up after himself.
But he took that so literally. If there was a dirty saucepan soaking in the sink, or a few dirty cups on the draining board, he would leave them there and only ever clean his own stuff. Used to drive me crazy, as I used to think that showed a total lack of appreciation of what we were providing him.

Utterly · 22/12/2013 22:17

vtechjazz Steady on! I'm just saying what my own experiences are and I got the impression from RoseRedder that she may feel generally put upon. Glad I'm not the only one to find Vtechjazz's response a little odd. Guessing she doesn't have a MIL right now.

NadiaWadia · 22/12/2013 22:51

YANBU You are not in a houseshare with your DS and his GF, it's your home!

The polite thing for her to say would be 'Rose, is it OK if I make myself a baked potato? Would you like one too?' Not that difficult to say, I should have thought.

Even in my own parents house I would ask before putting the kettle on or something. Because it's their kitchen, their place. I fail to see how that is grovelling. It's just basic manners, FGS.

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