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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sons girlfriend cooking for herself in my kitchen?

129 replies

RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:00

Don't know if I am or not?

DS1 girfriend is usually here from Friday through to Monday

When I'm cooking I always ask if she would like some, sometimes she does other times she might not like what I'm making or not be hungry at that time.

She often buys some things for herself and of course I would never expect her to offer to share food she has bought.

However I have an open fridge/freezer policy and she knows she is welcome to help herself to what ever is in

I'm just feeling a bit Sad as she has just made baked potatoes with cheese but didn't ask if I wanted one too.

Am I being daft?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 22/12/2013 22:53

If DH made himself a jacket potato and didn't ask me if I wanted anything I would be annoyed

I don't think you are being U. It's just a bit rude of her not ask you

The comment about your home being a family home and not a houseshare is spot on.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 22/12/2013 22:54

But, I think since she went from living with you full time to living with you more than half the week, she maybe does see it as her home.

A Chat Is required!

sykadelic15 · 22/12/2013 23:01

Can I ask what prompted having her move out last time? It could be you're still a little upset about that situation.

Once you're an adult, legally able to live on your own, you either move out, or you help out.

Does your son help around the house? Do you ever eat together as a family? Does he do the dishes? Are you still doing his laundry?

What about when the gf visits? What does she do? Does she clean? Do dishes? or do she and your son exist as separate entities from you and just do whatever they like?

Once you've answered those questions, ask yourself what you want/expect. Do you want them to pay board? Do you want them to help around the house? Are you okay with so many days? (I personally wouldn't be). Or ultimately do you want her to stop staying over so often and instead they save to move out on their own?

Bear in mind whatever you do or say WILL rock the boat. When they're old enough to understand, they will. Guaranteed neither she nor he would like it if once they move out you popped over and stayed for that many days EVERY week with them. Always different once you experience it yourself!

It seems to me like you want to tell your son that while it's great that he is serious about someone, you aren't comfortable with the current arrangement. They can save up to move out if they want that next step in their relationship, rather than imposing on you. Just because he's your son doesn't mean you are REQUIRED to let her, or him for that matter, live with you once he's an adult. My brother freely admits he can't afford to move out but it doesn't improve his behaviour!

My brother, 25 y/o, still lives at home with mum. While I call it "home" it isn't my home, it isn't his home, it's my mother's house. He eats whatever he feels like, leaves lights on, shower's twice a day with 2 towels per time (he has short hair!), invites friends over at all hours of the day... and that's just the beginning! He's totally disrespectful of HER house. She's the one paying the bills and yes he pays board, but that doesn't mean he's allowed to do whatever the hell he likes. Board is just to subsidize his costs now he's old enough... and it doesn't cover what he actually "spends".

Most parents want their kids to feel welcome at the family home, but there is such a thing as TOO familiar and that's how my brother is now and I think that's the way your son and his gf are headed

punny · 22/12/2013 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/12/2013 23:17

It wouldn't bother me. I't sounds like everyone is eating separately though which can feel a bit cold. Maybe talk about food more and try to coordinate on some meals if you don't like the current situation?

TheAwfulDaughter · 22/12/2013 23:29

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aderynlas · 22/12/2013 23:33

Just wanted to say you sound lovely Rose not daft at all. I agree with the idea of just saying that looks good , i ll have one too, next time. Or if you were here, it would be, chuck another spud in the oven ta xxxx

punny · 22/12/2013 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kali110 · 22/12/2013 23:37

Agree with punny and awfull.
Or is this just the final straw?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2013 23:45

TheAwful wouldn't you? When we're at my parents if I was heading for the kitchen I would always ask if anyone wanted anything.

OP I completely understand where you are coming from.
I am quite surprised that she is there so much. If they want to live together then they need to work out a way to finance that. It isn't your job to facilitate their relationship to the extent that you are - it sounds as if you have been extremely kind and welcoming and I'd like to think that once the GF grows up a bit and her head emerges from her own backside that she will recognise that and be grateful, and the same with your son.

NoComet · 23/12/2013 00:06

My now DH and I spent a two years doing, one weekend at his bedsit, one weekend at my student flat and one weekend at my parents. We were students and his parents were to far for weekends and got descended on in holidays.

DH paid his 'keep' by being useful. He mowed the lawn and cut my parents hedge (his parents were 15 and almost 30 years older than mine) he'd always done these sort of jobs since he was 13ish.

At my university flat he mended things and hoovered (our vacuum was crap, it need lots of TLC combined with brute force to get it to do anything).

I guess I mostly reciprocated at his mum's by mucking in with cooking and washing up (you can't help my mum cook) and having a car. DMIL didn't drive and FILs was getting past it (he was 80), so DH or I took them all over the place.

NadiaWadia · 23/12/2013 00:08

On reflection, I suppose the GF had not exactly had a great upbringing though, has she? Her own mother beating her up, or threatening to, FGS. Poor girl.

So maybe it's not surprising she doesn't know how to behave. Maybe you should handle this via a quiet word in your DS's ear, Rose.

ladypete · 23/12/2013 00:21

I wouldn't expect her to offer. Sounds to me like she's trying to keep herself to herself. Was she cooking for herself because she was aware she would miss/didn't like what you had planned to cook later? Maybe I've missed something.

MistressDeeCee · 23/12/2013 05:58

She's old enough to know better. Basic manners dont cost anything, if she's in the home and cooking then say so, and make enough for 2 if need be. Its not that she is uncomfortable (although thats no excuse at all) after all, she is at your house very often. When all said and done its your home not a houseshare/her own place so if there are things that make you uncomfortable you are perfectly entitled to raise them. Whilst its good to be nice to your son's gfriend theres no way you should be brought to the point of feeling uncomfortable about her actions in your own home.

AmberLeaf · 23/12/2013 06:16

I don't understand?

you've said you have an open fridge freezer policy and she is welcome to help herself. but you are sad when she does?

kmc1111 · 23/12/2013 07:23

I can't see the problem to be honest. If someone's in the kitchen with me when I make myself a snack I'll ask them if they want anything, but I don't go seeking out every person in the house to ask whether they'd like some of whatever I'm having every time I eat something, and I'd be really annoyed by anyone who did that.

She's probably just trying not to bother you. It's not automatically rude, people are just used to different things. If someone in my house made something for themselves that I fancied, it would never occur to me to think 'why didn't they make me some?', I'd just go make it for myself.

vtechjazz · 23/12/2013 08:28

Thanks for the concern, but my mil is actually lovely, and has way too much class to throw her weight about trying to be the queen bee. It sounds more like op wants this girl to be her friend, which is quite sad. This girl just wants to see her boyfriend, not be sucked into filling a void in your life.

pictish · 23/12/2013 08:55

I agree with amberleaf and kmc.

dozeydoris · 23/12/2013 08:57

It sounds more like op wants this girl to be her friend, which is quite sad

Haha, projecting I think Vtech, I certainly didn't get that impression from OP's posts.

DCs that age have no concept of running a home and providing for others, why should they, until you have DCs of your own you have never needed to do it. So the girl is just looking after herself but I feel the DS is a bit presumptuous to assume that as he doesn't want to stay at GF's house it is ok just to land on his DM.

vtechjazz · 23/12/2013 09:02

Really don't see how I'm projecting Hmm Or are you just throwing mumsnet clichés about?

secretsofsanta · 23/12/2013 09:08

Shes a guest. She should eat the food offered or go without. And she should offer to help.

dozeydoris · 23/12/2013 09:09

How else can you come to your conclusion that it is sad and OP needs girl to fill hole in her life.

Of course you want to be on good terms with your DCs partners, it doesn't mean you want to fill a void in your life, just that you want to get on with someone who could be a part of the family for the rest of your days which is common sense.

vtechjazz · 23/12/2013 09:30

Op was 'down' and 'hurt' by the non offer of potato, and feels its all 'one way'. This is why I think op is not really bothered by potato etiquette, but more by this girl not including her in the fun-potato-party.

dozeydoris · 23/12/2013 09:43

I read it as the potato being, not exactly the final straw, but an example of OP's home being used as free lodgings rather than home, if it was home you might expect the other person to include you in what is going on.

It's not normal imo to want your DCs partners as 'friends' and I don't think that is how OP wants it, that would be v unusual so I disagree with your take on it, Vtech.

But people in late teens are pretty selfish imo so GF's behaviour was normal.

aderynlas · 23/12/2013 09:55

Im sure everyone feels down at some point vtech, and it is often over something that isnt really important. I think the op sounds very kind and will be just as classy a mil as yours.