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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Sons girlfriend cooking for herself in my kitchen?

129 replies

RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:00

Don't know if I am or not?

DS1 girfriend is usually here from Friday through to Monday

When I'm cooking I always ask if she would like some, sometimes she does other times she might not like what I'm making or not be hungry at that time.

She often buys some things for herself and of course I would never expect her to offer to share food she has bought.

However I have an open fridge/freezer policy and she knows she is welcome to help herself to what ever is in

I'm just feeling a bit Sad as she has just made baked potatoes with cheese but didn't ask if I wanted one too.

Am I being daft?

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 22/12/2013 20:24

Vtech - EVERY house, relationship and even SOCIETY has ground rules. In most homes the people tend to evolve them, and that makes them mainly unspoken, but they are there. A group of expectations of behaviour for all is what makes community. A person joining ANY group of humans either takes the existing rules on, discusses and new rules are formed, or they leave the group. But first they need to understand what behaviours are expected within that group.

If you want to spend time in my home then there are certain expectations that go with that.

Basic tenet of society.

Shamoy · 22/12/2013 20:25

I wouldn't expect her to offer me one. She bought the food herself and you have told her to make use of your kitchen so she made herself a snack!
If she was making a whole meal/cooking for her and your son/using your food, then maybe she would offer you some, but she isn't, she's just brought a potato with her and popped it in your oven!

Changebagsregeneratedgladrags · 22/12/2013 20:26

She probably assumes she can't cook to your standard so would be mortified to serve you food.

OK so, how about once a week someone makes a meal for everyone, maybe vote for choices.

She can get more confident in the kitchen then.

Or you come out straight and say if you're cooking ask if others would like something.

CrimsonDay · 22/12/2013 20:29

Is she normally quite shy?

When I started staying at DP's Dad's house, I made my own food a lot as was quite a fussy eater. I never offered any to his dad because it seemed rude to me, sort of too comfortable. Not explaining this well sorry.

I did offer cups of tea when I made them although I hated it because I knew he would say yes and I wouldn't be too embarrassed as it's only a drink.

NewtRipley · 22/12/2013 20:29

Changebags/Crimson

Yes. That also occurred to me too

vtechjazz · 22/12/2013 20:30

Well coolas house sounds like a welcoming place. How exactly do you plan to make your sons dump any upstart girls who fail to make baked potatoes for the queen mil???

Original poster
RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:33

I think it is a manners thing that is slightly getting to me. But how do you say to someone who is not your child you have bad manners?

No she doesn't pay for her upkeep but I would never dream of suggesting that, she is a guest.

I think it's just getting on top of me that they both seem to see my home as their own home over the weekend and I'm an afterthought.

There is no DP/DH just me

Getting upset over a fecking baked potato

OP posts:
ethlinn · 22/12/2013 20:34

It's a bit tricky isn't it? I used to be that kind of gf, staying over 3-4 nights a week (we used to alternate it though). It was sometimes difficult as I felt I was sort of taking advantage of his family being nice and polite and really just sometimes wanted to be invisible, not to have any fuss made about me, the house guest. As it's been suggested before, she's maybe a bit shy? I used to be and huge family meals used to just scare the shit out of me. I really liked all bf's family but just wanted to pretend I wasn't there. So maybe that's what she's doing too, having a quick snack not to impose herself on you too much. Hope it makes sense.

dozeydoris · 22/12/2013 20:34

But you made her welcome and gave her free rein of fridge. Seems you are now having second thoughts.

NewtRipley · 22/12/2013 20:38

From your last post it sounds more like you feel more taken-over OP. I think it would be reasonable, next time, to ask her to pop one on for you. Assert yourself a bit and you will feel less taken-advantage-of. A gentle reminder that you are generously sharing your house with her without having to say it

Beeyump · 22/12/2013 20:39

But isn't it your ds home too?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2013 20:46

Actually, the baked potato thing is really valid. Assuming that it's cooked in the oven, it makes sense to cook more than one. I think the GF is odd for not even asking anybody else in the house if they want one before putting hers in.

BrownSauce's post x2 - as this is regular now, some ground rules would be a good thing. You deserve some consideration and from your son too, they're not kids. He's family, she isn't.

Original poster
RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 20:48

No it was my potato's and cheese

Sorry for the confusion Shamoy

And I not bothered about that I was just a bit down that I wasn't asked if I wanted one too

I go out of my way to make sure there is food in the house that she likes

And always offer anything that I am cooking

I just felt a, hurt, if I'm honest that seems to only go one way?

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 22/12/2013 20:50

Are there other ways in which she and your DS are inconsiderate?

Vivacia · 22/12/2013 20:50

It's tricky. She isn't really a house guest is she? And she's not your house guest. But neither is she your daughter. I think you need to sit down with them, or at least your son, and discuss it. I bet she's uncomfortable too, with some aspects.

You need to decide whether it's your home and your rules, or his home and things are up for discussion. Neither is unreasonable, but you need to take the lead.

Vivacia · 22/12/2013 20:52

I was once the girlfriend in a similar position and cringe at some of my behaviour. It's just easier to spot the mistakes with the benefit of age, motherhood and house-ownership!

pictish · 22/12/2013 20:54

Look - she's 20, and sometimes 20 yr olds are pretty self centred and unaware.
You are a mother, so it naturally occurs to you to offer and feed your young guest. She isn't, and it won't.

Don't be hurt.

monkeynuts123 · 22/12/2013 20:54

Oh when I was a girlfriend I once climbed out of the window cos It was quicker than going through the door!!!!! 17 years old. I look back now and am amazed the poor mother let me back in ha ha. Just tell her what you want to happen, it's your house.

Utterly · 22/12/2013 20:58

Gosh, I don't think I have ever felt at home at DH's or a boyfriend's house to cook without invitation. Are you putting enough boundaries in?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 22/12/2013 21:00

If your DS had cooked something, would he have asked you?

vtechjazz · 22/12/2013 21:03

Wtf utterly?? You feel so awkward even in your own hubands parents home that you darent cook, and you want all parents to make dils feel like you by setting tougher boundaries? Do you all have inferiority complexes or something?

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 21:06

I used to stay at my boyfriends in the same way as that when I was about 17/18. I wouldn't have offered partly out of shyness, partly trying to stay out of your way, partly because I was a rubbish cook and partly because I wouldn't have had a clue that boyfriends mother would have wanted me to do that. Don't be too harsh on her, just have a friendly chat about it instead.

pictish · 22/12/2013 21:07

I wouldn't expect her to cook for me. I'd just let her get on with it.

Does your son offer you food when he makes it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2013 21:08

Well vetch as you said 'all' in your latest post I'm going to ask it back to you. Do you have an entitlement complex or something?

What is wrong with simple considerations when you stay somewhere that isn't your home?

It's about manners, not flinging yourself about like an inconsiderate arse. I wasn't brought up to behave like OP's son's GF, wouldn't behave like that myself and therefore wouldn't expect to be treated that way.

Original poster
RoseRedder · 22/12/2013 21:12

yes TheDoctrineOfSanta he would

Im hoping that as some pp have said it's shyness/awarkedness

I really like her

She lived with us for 9 months until it all blew up in all our faces and I had to ask her to leave becuase things got unworkable.

What doesn't help is my DS1 won't go to her house (she is still at home too) because of the area and he doesn't like her mum

So I often end up feeling 'pushed out' my own home.

Not re the baked potato but constantly telling DS that it's bit much

If I'm perfectly honest I wish they would move out and get a flat of their own but fianancies won't let them at the moment

OP posts: