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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DH these presents came from Santa?

106 replies

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 03:43

Dh has been such a dick over DC's Christmas presents. He has vetoed every single suggestion I have made for DS ('too expensive', 'too babyish', 'he has one similar to that already', 'I don't want him playing with something like that', etc). He wants to get him a remote control car. Fine. But I want to get him something else as well. I bought him a wrestling set (which was on his Santa list) and DH went mad at me as he doesn't want him having wrestlers and it was expensive, so I told DH I was taking them back.

Also for DD, it's her first Christmas. I made a few suggestions of things I would like to buy and he said "No, I want to get her presents. I have been looking forward to that." I know for a fact he hasn't bought her anything.

He is always the same, over everything, actually. He just reflexively says 'No' to everything. In fact, it's so bad, I nicknamed him 'Monsieur Non'. It drives me mad. It's not just over money, he is always saying "No we don't", "No, that's not right." I don't know why. Take last night, he insisted we don't have a garlic press. We bloody do. I went and got it and threw it at him. I told him someone had put a new collar on our cat. "No they didn't." I had to get our childminder to back me up. It's ridiculous!

Money is very tight for us at the moment so I am doing a part-time job in the evenings to get a bit of extra money for Christmas. So actually - unbeknown to DH - I have bought the DC a few Christmas presents and have stashed them at work. But I want to teach DH a lesson. On Christmas Eve when we traditionally put the presents under the tree, there won't be anything, except for this bloody remote control car. Nothing else for DS. And nothing for DD.

Do you think when he sees the empty space under the tree he will realise what a dick he's been?

Anyway, in the middle of the night, I plan to sneak out of the house and return - like Santa - with all the presents I have bought and put them under the tree... then just feign ignorance and say, "They must have come from Santa!!".

Immature I know, but I don't want the kids missing out and I'm fed up with Monsieur Non spoiling everything. And - more than anything - I want him to realise how miserable his behaviour is.

Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/12/2013 03:57

While you're at it you could leave him a present too, the number of a divorce lawyer because that's what he'd be needing in January if he was my husband.

themaltesefalcon · 22/12/2013 04:01

How about the gift of strychnine in his coffee? It practically gives itself.

AgentZigzag · 22/12/2013 04:02

I'm not sure, it's a bit off to be involving the DC on what will be an important day for them.

Is he likely to start kicking off regardless of whether they're there or not?

But it's not fair for there to just be the remote controlled car because he's being an arse.

It's very controlling because of the randomness of his vetoing, what makes him so important that he thinks he gets to choose how everything's done?

I've known people who have to be seen to be right with everything, even if it ends up with them looking like a complete twat because they've laid themselves on the line so much that they can't back down, so when they're proved wrong there's no way for them to get out of it in a good natured way.

Do you actually like him CeQ?

Are you happy living with this scale of pettiness?

(I don't blame you and understand why you'd do it (so you don't take it too seriously and end up clocking him one, ) but don't you think 'monsieur non' minimizes his shitty behaviour? Maybe makes it into a family thing/running 'joke'/banter? I know what I'd be calling him but as he's your DH I won't say )

AgentZigzag · 22/12/2013 04:03

Laxatives are easier to get hold of falcon, and side steps the pesky murder charge, which are always a bit of a faff

DottiestDoris · 22/12/2013 04:06

NYNBU insofar as you are doing everything in order to make Christmas special for your dc. They are your priority and can't blame you for that. Dh sounds like he wants to be involved by having opinions but has just not followed through by helping with suggestions or actually buying anything.

I do think it's a shame you couldn't communicate better with each other to enjoy the run up to a family Christmas and sort things out so that it was a united effort. The result is childish and I would worry it's going to result in a bad atmosphere in the day which will be upsetting for your dc. Just what you don't want.
I think lots of couples get hung up on and annoyed with each for the type of thing you mention but would still realise that these are small (but irritating) things and still be able to pull together as a couple for the larger issues.
Possibly then YABU for letting the petty things get you down and resorting to childishness rather than addressing the bigger communication issues in your relationship.

AgentZigzag · 22/12/2013 04:23

But the OP's DH has manipulated her into not saying things for fear he'll go off on one Doris.

Knowing you'll be made to feel responsible for 'causing' an argument because you've brought something up you know they won't like and will bring on yet another tantrum, doesn't really go hand in hand with having an adult discussion about their behaviour.

He doesn't want to pull together as a couple, he wants the OP to STFU and obey.

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 04:41

AgentZigZag, he wouldn't 'go off on one'. He never loses his temper. He is very stable in that sense, never really gets annoyed but never really gets excited about anything, either.

I think that's part of the problem...

OP posts:

squoosh · 22/12/2013 04:52

He sounds like a miserable twat. Why do people tolerate these dictatorial Victorian husbands?

CiderwithBuda · 22/12/2013 04:57

Well I can see various problems with trying to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night on Xmas eve. Can you not just stash what you have at home? Then on Xmas eve when he sees the empty space under the tree just calmly take the stuff out and say it is just as well you got some toys for your children?

How dare he tell you you can't buy stuff for your dd as he has been looking forward to it. Does he not think you might have been looking forward to that too?

I buy most things for our DS but tell DH. He usually buys a few things too. He would never veto something like wrestlers unless we were flat broke. Your DH sounds miserable to live with.

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 04:57

He sounds like a miserable twat.

Yep.

Why do people tolerate these dictatorial Victorian husbands?

He's not dictatorial, he does not say how things are, just how things are not, if that makes sense. He won't say anything at all about something, it is just when I say something, he will disagree with me. Like, all the time. Other than that, he is completely passive.

What would you call that?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/12/2013 04:58

Abuse.

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 05:02

I'm not sure it is, Jean. It's just his personality. He would rather not do something than do something. His default setting is always "Don't."

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 05:10

I think that is dictatorial tbh.
Do you always agree? It might be that he doesn't lose his rag because you comply. It might be different if you challenge his self imposed authority so I guess there's a need to be careful there.
You don't have to sneak in with the presents. You already have them. You only need to hide them from the DCs. They're all from Santa anyway aren't they?
Just because he says no, doesn't make it so.

JeanSeberg · 22/12/2013 05:13

Call it what you like, life's too short to spend it with a miserable arse of a partner. Is this really what you want your for your kids?

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 05:13

Do you always agree?

Mostly not. I just do my own thing. It's still annoying, though.

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 22/12/2013 05:18

Of course he is dictatorial. He 'made' you return a gift you had bought your son, and he bullied you into agreeing not to buy anything for your daughter. How can you live like that? It's inconceivable. He sounds utterly joy-sapping and I'd predict that you and the children and in for a joyless -life-- Christmas with this man whatever you do with the presents.

As to your idea of sneaking off and blaming Santa - silly idea. Just keep the presents hidden until Christmas Eve and when it becomes apparent he hasn't got anything bring them out. I'd accompany that by a hard stare and 'don't ever tell me not to buy my children Christmas presents again, you miserable wanker' but that's optional.

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 05:23

Actually, he didn't 'make' me return the wrestlers, he made a big fuss then I texted him to tell him I was taking them back.

However, you are right in that Christmas will probably be a miserable day. He is working on Boxing Day, thank goodness. I am tempted to leave my presents until then, but it wouldn't be fair on the DC.

OP posts:

SolitudeSometimesIs · 22/12/2013 05:29

My Dad was a bit like this - his default setting is no. He doesn't mean it in a bad, controlling way he just thinks negatively. When we were younger he didn't get Christmas and he would have told my Mum that stuff was too expensive or that we didn't need it. She just ignored him and did what she wanted but he was very grinch-y about the whole thing.

If you look deeper it was probably due to his upbringing, they were poor and anything but the basics was viewed as an indulgent and extravagant (sp?). My Mum's family were wealthier so she never had that guilt, but it was ingrained in to my Dad.

OP's DH might be the same.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 05:31

Yes, it must be annoying.
You have already sorted it for Christmas. Personally I like Eirikur's approach to the gift situation.

But he's not just a grump is he? He wanted to have the joy of getting your dd's present himself. That wasn't just a curmudgeonly approach, it was a direct act of putting his wishes over yours.

EirikurNoromaour · 22/12/2013 05:34

But he did make you return it, by being such an arse about it that you felt you had to. Why couldn't you just tell him to do one? Because he's a dictatorial bully who imposes his will on you and the family through negativity and sulking, apparently.
Sorry, but you're minimising. It's perfectly natural, but you would be better served by opening your eyes to what a crap situation this is for you and the children.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 05:36

he didn't 'make' me return the wrestlers

he made a big fuss then I texted him to tell him I was taking them back
These statements are conflicting.
His behaviour is manipulative.

You won't have a miserable day. You're making it lovely for your DCs.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 05:38

Have the presents on Christmas day.

Has he always been like this?

Original poster

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 05:40

SolitudeSometimesIs, thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. I think it is something to do with his upbringing. His parents are very miserly. They won't put the heating on, that kind of thing. He never had anything nice because they were too tight to buy it. In spite of being very comfortably off. The whole remote control car thing is because he never got one, I think.

My parents on the other hand spent most of my childhood on benefits. In spite of that, we always had great Christmasses. Always.

OP posts:

SolitudeSometimesIs · 22/12/2013 05:51

I had a feeling it might be a situation like the one my Dad and Mum had. There was never an ounce of badness in my Dad's behaviour, he just didn't get it. He is the King of practical presents, he bought my brother brakes for his bike one year for his birthday because he needed new ones - my brother was 13 at the time and far from impressed. He has improved over the years and now fully participates in Christmas with his Grandkids because the pressure is off him in a certain way.

My Mum always went a little over the top, but never in to debt or anything, and made up for my Dad's funny ways. Maybe sit down and have a word with your husband about what Christmas means to you, I'm not saying he'll get it, but it might make him see where you are coming from. If he has never had a similar Christmas to you, he genuinely might not see where he's going wrong.

SolitudeSometimesIs · 22/12/2013 05:54

By the way I think it's sweet he wants to get your son a remote control car because he never had one. It shows that genuine thought has gone in to that gift. Maybe Santa could bring a remote control car for your DH so the two of them could race each other?

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