Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH these presents came from Santa?

106 replies

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 03:43

Dh has been such a dick over DC's Christmas presents. He has vetoed every single suggestion I have made for DS ('too expensive', 'too babyish', 'he has one similar to that already', 'I don't want him playing with something like that', etc). He wants to get him a remote control car. Fine. But I want to get him something else as well. I bought him a wrestling set (which was on his Santa list) and DH went mad at me as he doesn't want him having wrestlers and it was expensive, so I told DH I was taking them back.

Also for DD, it's her first Christmas. I made a few suggestions of things I would like to buy and he said "No, I want to get her presents. I have been looking forward to that." I know for a fact he hasn't bought her anything.

He is always the same, over everything, actually. He just reflexively says 'No' to everything. In fact, it's so bad, I nicknamed him 'Monsieur Non'. It drives me mad. It's not just over money, he is always saying "No we don't", "No, that's not right." I don't know why. Take last night, he insisted we don't have a garlic press. We bloody do. I went and got it and threw it at him. I told him someone had put a new collar on our cat. "No they didn't." I had to get our childminder to back me up. It's ridiculous!

Money is very tight for us at the moment so I am doing a part-time job in the evenings to get a bit of extra money for Christmas. So actually - unbeknown to DH - I have bought the DC a few Christmas presents and have stashed them at work. But I want to teach DH a lesson. On Christmas Eve when we traditionally put the presents under the tree, there won't be anything, except for this bloody remote control car. Nothing else for DS. And nothing for DD.

Do you think when he sees the empty space under the tree he will realise what a dick he's been?

Anyway, in the middle of the night, I plan to sneak out of the house and return - like Santa - with all the presents I have bought and put them under the tree... then just feign ignorance and say, "They must have come from Santa!!".

Immature I know, but I don't want the kids missing out and I'm fed up with Monsieur Non spoiling everything. And - more than anything - I want him to realise how miserable his behaviour is.

Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 22/12/2013 08:06

This situation reminds me of my own with XP. He thought that I was a spendthrift over Xmas (and the rest of the year) although I was carefully budgeting all the time.

It's called passive aggressive.

XP made me feel bad about myself and nervous about his reactions in front of the DCs.

The best thing I ever did was leave him. Xmases have been a joy since - I have really enjoyed watching my kids open their presents without his constant disapproval.

I think you need to reconsider your priorities OP before one day you are watching your grandchildren being denied presents because that's the world their parents grew up in.

JeanSeberg · 22/12/2013 08:07

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

CuttedUpPear · 22/12/2013 08:07

Sorry to criticise you for staying OP but I just wanted you to know that there is another way.

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 08:14

Sorry to criticise you for staying OP but I just wanted you to know that there is another way.

Unfortunately, there isn't. I am not in the UK where you can get help and benefits. If I left, it would be without the DC and I'm not prepared to do that.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 22/12/2013 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour · 22/12/2013 08:16

Denial and minimisation of a partner's faults does not = love.

3bunnies · 22/12/2013 08:19

dh has a different view to Christmas but I am gradually winning him over he would probably just give them 3 presents but all of them pure fun. I prefer the wrap up something practical so they have more to open and have the uncertainty of what it is and although he would think blutack was a rubbish present but I know how much they love it. To prempt the eye rolling I said to dh that their present piles look enormous this year but how many good bargains we had (named a few of them with the bargain amount saved) and a few practical bulky things and he actually agreed that it was good that the pile was big!

SeaDevilscanPlay · 22/12/2013 08:21

Do you love your DH OP?

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 08:23

Do you love your DH OP?

Yes, I do. But I know that things could be better.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 22/12/2013 08:31

Wow, that doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me? I'm going to get flamed but I wouldn't have returned the wrestling present for a quiet life as I have just as much right to decide what I want to get as hubby does. I expect to be treated the way I deserve to be treated and will not put up with anything less. I guess that comes from my past when I have been a victim and am now very assertive when I need to be as a result.

My hubby works long and unpredictable hours and like many parents who get less time with the children than he'd like, he likes to do the Xmas shopping for our family. It makes him feel good. I miss out on that feel good factor but I fully appreciate why he likes to do it.

Personally, I wouldn't be making a point in Christmas Day. What does everyone think will happen? He'll have a wonderful moment of epiphany, see the error of his ways and be all sweetness and light do you have the best Christmas ever? Bull! You start Christmas with a sonofabitch hubby he's in a worse mood than ever. Merry Christmas!!!

I'm not excusing him, just saying Christmas isn't a day to be choosing to fight your battles on.

You've got every day after Christmas to stand up for yourself, show up his bad behaviour and lay down the law in how you expect to be treated.

mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 08:40

Its really passive aggressive, what he is doing. My dp did this too me quite a lot in the past. I got to the point where I stopped telling him things as I knew he would just say no - no way to run a relationship. So we sat down and had a long chat.

We agreed to agree to disagree over some things (dp always has to be right even when I know he is 100% wrong - garlic press incident has happened here) so with stuff like that I just tell him that I thinking right and we will leave it.

With big purchases (he wouldn't fuss about presents but stuff like furniture or decorating) I give him 2 or 3 choices i like and let him pick something. If he doesn't pick he has to find something else within say a week or I choose. Saves me being driven batty by the 'no' default.

Did you not agree a Christmas budget for each child?

I think I would just tell him that you have saved some money and are going to buy the kids some presents. If he would like to help you choose that's fine but you are getting the presents - end of discussion

mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 08:48

Have you tried talking to him about his negative behaviour. I found writing to dp to explain how is negativity made me feel - an email can work wonders

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 22/12/2013 08:49

My husband always says no. I always say yes (within reason of course) and what I say goes in our house! My husband doesn't mind as he quite likes me being the boss Wink
Quite frankly I would divorce him otherwise. In my first marriage I just rolled over and I'm never doing that again!

thegreylady · 22/12/2013 08:57

If the wrestling present was on your ds' list I hope you didn't return it or at least that you can get it again. If you want to do the 'magic' for dc they have to believe that Santa listens. Otherwise I love your plan. I'd definitely hide the presents somewhere he wont look like under the dirty washing or under dd's cot maybe cocealed by packs of nappies.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2013 09:01

actually, i'd sit him down this morning and say "Christmas is on Wednesday, so that leaves Monday and Tuesday to get presents, have you bought anything for DD yet? If not, what are you going to get her - and can I just say, I don't want to hear what you won't get her, I want to hear what you will . Also, are you happy for htere to be just one gift under the tree for DS? Normally there's X. If I go and get other things are you happy to leave it to my judgement or do you want to make a suggestion? Again, I don't want to hear what you don't want to get them, only what you do."

From now on, i fyou want to stay with him, you will have ot manage his behaviour, so don't rise to it. Make him give a positive view, every time he says "no" turn it round and say "ok, what would you say yes to?" If he tells you you shouldn't have bought X for DS or DD's birthday/Christmas, tell him you'll return it only if he gives you an alternative he does want to get. Or better still, in advance ask him for a list of ideas, suggest you are going to get 3 gifts for each, he can think of 3 things or 1 thing and then not complain or be negative about your ideas if he can't think of better ones. Tell him you're not going to listen to 'no' on it's own, he must always give you a constructive alternative. Keep repeating "when you have a better idea, I'll listen"

For petty arguments, you now use the garlic press and the cat coller in every argument - "This is just like the time you kept saying we didn't have a garlic press when we do." Remind him of it and don't let it drop when he does the same thing again.

Although over Christmas I might be tempted to sit him down and say that his negative attitude is really draining and you aren't sure how long you can put up with it. He might not realise he's being so negative.

SomethingkindaOod · 22/12/2013 09:05

It's a shame you're not in the Uk, I saw some great remote controlled cars for older children last week at a good price!
Honestly behaviour like this is boring and does have elements of controlling behaviour. I personally would just put the presents out with the rest without a word and if he said anything challenge him. Ask him why he feels he can make these types of decisions for you all and why is his word the final one?
If you pointed out that it comes over as being controlling and bullying do you think he would start to see things from your point of view? If he knew exactly how much his behaviour upsets you would it shock him into seeing it?
Don't tell him they came from Santa, they came from you because you are his equal and perfectly entitled to buy your own children presents at Christmas.

SomethingkindaOod · 22/12/2013 09:07

Forgot to say, if he's a misery on the day just ignore him, treat him as you would a sulking child and really big up the happy with the DC's. He either pulls himself together or he misses out.

zipzap · 22/12/2013 09:08

As well as making him give positive suggestions as excellently described previously, I'd also be asking him each time he makes a negative suggestion or tells you no to something, what makes him think he is your boss and has the final word?

You're in a partnership, not a dictatorship (even if it's just a passive aggressive one where you end up doing what he wants for an easy life because of his behaviour).

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 09:11

dontmindifido that's a brilliant post!

Some people are ever the critic but with no ideas of their own. Calling them on that and getting them to try and problem solve is a great way to make them think and appreciate the efforts of others but only if they are a decent person who is behaving like a shit, rather than actually being a shit person

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 22/12/2013 09:12

I think it's a good idea to show him that he's made Christmas a rubbish failure for the kids.

I would hope that he would actually listen to you when he looks under the tree and it hits home what he's done. Defo hide all keys so he can't 'solve' the situation by taking yours. You need to have that moment where it's rammed home what he's done.

I would be perfectly clear 'you have done this, why have you bought your child nothing? Don't you love dd enough to get her anything? Doesn't she deserve Christmas? Why did you only get ds this present? Are you punishing him for something'

and also 'why did you expect me to go behind your back, against your direct orders, to save the problem you're creating?' as I'm sure that's what he thinks will happen, he takes it for granted he can act like a dick and you'll be there behind them to cover it up do he never has to face the reality of what he's done.

He will try and blame you but you need to stand firm and keep asking why he won't take responsibility for his own actions? He's an adult, he doesn't get to make you into the grown up making the consequences of his actions all go away.

If you really want to have this discussion, ask him what would happen if you acted the same way? What kind of mother and wife would you be if you did this? And what he thinks you think of him right now?

Only when it's well and truly hit home would I get your 'save the day presents'.

I know this way will lead to an argument, but what he's done is so fucking selfish and disgusting as a father or a husband, it needs to be brought out into the daylight, not smoothed over yet again.

But if you think this wouldn't work for him, or he d be so angry back that he'd selfishly spoil Xmas day for the children as 'pay back', then you need to ignore my angry post!!!

magesticmallow · 22/12/2013 09:28

I can' t believe your ds had a wrestling ring on his Santa list, which you bought but returned because of your husband??????? Really????? Did you really return?? Its not in your office??? If you did return it then I'm sorry but your as bad as him and I feel so so sorry for your poor children!!! You need to buy it again and put it under the tree, if he says anything tell him you get roughly 5 Christmases with a child who believes (by time they are old enough to understand until they stop believing) and if he thinks he is going to suck the joy out of them then he can fuck off and a misery alone, ultimatum time.

Blaming his upbringing is no excuse to let hun off with this because all that will happen is misery will continue to breed misery, is that what you want for your kids??

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 09:31

No, I didn't return the wrestlers, I said I was going to but I didn't. All the presents are here in Santa's Grotto my office.

OP posts:
Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 09:35

Just got a text from my mum. Sounds like they are going to have a really fun Christmas. They've got no money, scrabbling around to pay for coal, etc. but they are so upbeat and looking forward to all the programmes they will be watching on TV and all the nice food and Lidl Sparking Wine Champagne they will be having.

It's all about attitude.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 22/12/2013 11:44

Oh great news about the wrestlers :)
Hope you have sent your parents something lovely too :)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 11:49

Hope you have sent your parents something lovely too

Really? If my DD was struggling financially and I knew she was working extra hours to buy presents for her DCs I think i would be mortified if she spent money on me.