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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH these presents came from Santa?

106 replies

CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 03:43

Dh has been such a dick over DC's Christmas presents. He has vetoed every single suggestion I have made for DS ('too expensive', 'too babyish', 'he has one similar to that already', 'I don't want him playing with something like that', etc). He wants to get him a remote control car. Fine. But I want to get him something else as well. I bought him a wrestling set (which was on his Santa list) and DH went mad at me as he doesn't want him having wrestlers and it was expensive, so I told DH I was taking them back.

Also for DD, it's her first Christmas. I made a few suggestions of things I would like to buy and he said "No, I want to get her presents. I have been looking forward to that." I know for a fact he hasn't bought her anything.

He is always the same, over everything, actually. He just reflexively says 'No' to everything. In fact, it's so bad, I nicknamed him 'Monsieur Non'. It drives me mad. It's not just over money, he is always saying "No we don't", "No, that's not right." I don't know why. Take last night, he insisted we don't have a garlic press. We bloody do. I went and got it and threw it at him. I told him someone had put a new collar on our cat. "No they didn't." I had to get our childminder to back me up. It's ridiculous!

Money is very tight for us at the moment so I am doing a part-time job in the evenings to get a bit of extra money for Christmas. So actually - unbeknown to DH - I have bought the DC a few Christmas presents and have stashed them at work. But I want to teach DH a lesson. On Christmas Eve when we traditionally put the presents under the tree, there won't be anything, except for this bloody remote control car. Nothing else for DS. And nothing for DD.

Do you think when he sees the empty space under the tree he will realise what a dick he's been?

Anyway, in the middle of the night, I plan to sneak out of the house and return - like Santa - with all the presents I have bought and put them under the tree... then just feign ignorance and say, "They must have come from Santa!!".

Immature I know, but I don't want the kids missing out and I'm fed up with Monsieur Non spoiling everything. And - more than anything - I want him to realise how miserable his behaviour is.

Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 22/12/2013 11:51

Something lovely doesn't mean something expensive.

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 12:16

I sent them some money this year via Western Union. She was so grateful. "Oh, that's SMASHING! Thank you so, so, SO much!", she said. And no, mum doesn't know how tough things are for us. She would just worry. I want them to enjoy the money I sent without feeling guilty.

OP posts:
shewhowines · 22/12/2013 12:30

I know someones whose default position is no. It's automatic. Then she may think about it and change her mind. It's weird. No "let me think about it" or "perhaps". Just no as automatic then she thinks about it..
I think she's scared of being out of control or scared of the unknown. Other than that she is a very kind and caring person.

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 12:32

thegreylady, I am glad you are relieved for the wrestlers Grin

Actually, I might keep just the wrestlers back for Boxing Day, along with something for DD. DH is working on Boxing Day so it's just me and the kids. I am really looking forward to it. I have decided to take them to a Christmas Market that DH hates, that I think they will love. Then we will curl up on the sofa and eat Xmas dinner leftovers and play with the contraband Xmas presents Grin

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your replies Thanks

OP posts:
HyvaPaiva · 22/12/2013 12:41

Actually, I might keep just the wrestlers back for Boxing Day, along with something for DD. DH is working on Boxing Day so it's just me and the kids.

Sorry, I don't understand ...why might you keep things back until he isn't there, OP?

MostWicked · 22/12/2013 12:45

I just don't get why people live with that amount of conflict in their lives. Conflict never brings happiness.

Rather than playing games, manipulating and teaching lessons, why don't you sit down like adults, and have a grown up conversation about how you feel and what you want for yourselves and your kids, then compromise and come to some agreements between you.

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 22/12/2013 13:07

HyvaPaiva, I always try to do that anyway, just so that Boxing Day has surprises as well. So it might as well be the naughty wrestlers Grin

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2013 13:51

You sound lovely OP.

BlueStonesBells · 22/12/2013 14:16

MostWicked, I expect OP has tried your approach until she's blue in the face. Unfortunately some people refuse to compromise.

landrover · 22/12/2013 14:59

Well, heres the thing, do what I do. I never discuss my dd s presents with my husband (unless expensive like an iPad or something). He relies on me to sort it all and wrap, he gets a surprise too that way (and I think he enjoys that!) I don't work and he works ft so it takes all the pressure off him so he can relax and enjoy the day (tbh I've never thought of discussing it with him! Xmas Blush

ShinyBauble · 22/12/2013 18:52

Is there any chance OP that he may come through and buy all the presents?

Blueandwhitelover · 23/12/2013 23:54

Has he produced anything yet?

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 24/12/2013 03:35

We had a bit of a showdown the night before last. I told him I was really fed up with him saying "No" to everything. He admitted he did it, he said he does it because he doesn't really feel in control of anything. Not really buying this as it makes no sense vis-a-vis the garlic press, etc. (shit, this all sounds so petty!). Anyway, he apologised and said he would make a concerted effort not to do this.

However... whilst we are on the subject of doing things the other one doesn't like, he told me that I am a big ball of negativity, I shout at everyone all the time, I don't spend enough time with the kids because I'm always on Mumsnet, etc. and then I have the cheek to complain about what a shit husband he is...

Ouch!

He has a point, though. And last night when I got home (late, as doing part-time job as well as full-time job), I didn't go straight on the internet, I spent time with the kids. And I will address the other stuff too, as I think he may have a point.

As for the presents... he gave me some money to get a couple of wrestlers and a pressie for DD. And some stocking fillers. It wasn't really enough money, though. But that's all he had. Thank goodness for the other pressies, which he still doesn't know about.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/12/2013 03:51

'he told me that I am a big ball of negativity, I shout at everyone all the time, I don't spend enough time with the kids because I'm always on Mumsnet, etc. and then I have the cheek to complain about what a shit husband he is...'

Ach fuck it CeQ, he's trying to take the heat off himself by making you feel bad.

Don't fall for it, it's the oldest trick in the book.

If he had a genuine problem with how you are he should have brought it up before now, but he chose to throw it at you when you'd said something he didn't like.

Even if he did think it, instead of bringing it up as something to discuss and resolve, he was using it to try and hurt you and make you question yourself.

Not very nice behaviour in my book.

Roshbegosh · 24/12/2013 06:22

But he has a point if what he said made OP spend some time after work with the DC rather than on the internet. OP admits he had a point.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2013 06:22

Nobody's perfect. It's always a good thing IMHO to try to optimise the way we are with our DCs.

But (big BUT) I agree with Agentzigzag that your was obviously resorting to a spiteful retaliation in order to deflect your criticism.

I hope it all works out and you all have a good Christmas and NY.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2013 06:26

It's really unkind to heap on the gripes "shout at everyone all the time" in particular is overly harsh. Just designed to make her feel bad in the face of receiving criticism.
"big ball of negativity" "always on MN" "not playing with the kids"
Ott.

mightyducks · 24/12/2013 15:10

Sounds like a passive aggressive to me!

HollaAtMeBaby · 25/12/2013 17:51

Bumping this because I want to know about the secret presents... Xmas Wink

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/12/2013 18:20

Yes. Me too Xmas Grin

FredFredGeorge · 25/12/2013 18:31

I don't want to know about the secret presents, I want to know about the wrestlers

he gave me some money to get a couple of wrestlers

LindyHemming · 25/12/2013 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 25/12/2013 19:58

Ceque..... There are some really good comments here, husband does sound manipulative, do you feel your behavior ever seems to be decided by what you think he will want or say?
I don't know of this makes any difference but i do not know of any mums who's husband/partner tells them what they can or can't buy their children for Christmas, surely you do it together? I hope you can talk this through as resentment can be hard to extinguish.

Original poster
CeQueLEnfer · 26/12/2013 04:40

So we went to bed around 11pm on Xmas Eve, I then woke up at 2:05 am and sneaked out to get the pressies from the boot of my car. Arranged them all niacely under the tree, then we all woke up around 7am. We all came down together and DS says, "Santa's been!", I turned to DH and said, "Yes, he really has been! Look!". He laughed and said, "it would appear so."

Later on, DH said, "well done, love - you did good there with those presents." Even the lamp that he said was babyish when I wanted to buy it, he is now saying is "cool". And DS loved his wrestlers, exhaust for his bike and helmet. And the other vetoed presents.

So I think DH gets it now. For the future, I am just going to do my own thing. I am not going to try to run things by him anymore.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 26/12/2013 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.