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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DCs who would care for them in the event of our deaths?

101 replies

MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:05

DD was having a pessimistic conversation about where would they be if Mummy and Daddy died at once.

I told them their uncle has agreed to look after them, even though he doesn't really speak to me. He is the same age as me, has no children to care for and is one of the most level headed people I know!

He loves my kids and has fun with them but also disciplines them in a way I find acceptable.

He is the best person to have them.

They are now saying they would rather have Auntie X. Auntie X is wonderful and would have a lot of involvement in their lives, especially DDs, as they have interests in common. BUT she is not the right person to have sole responsibility for my DCs.

Auntie X is also married to uncle who is blood, and I fear she may leave, so not a good choice!

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:06

DD is 8, Ds is 7, btw!

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 21/12/2013 20:07

How old are they?

(DC, not your relations)

Andrewofgg · 21/12/2013 20:08

x-posted.

I think too young but they may be mature enough to think about it - but not mature enough to have any say in the matter if such a tragedy happened.

I hope you have both made wills which state your wishes.

RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 20:09

I think that by indulging them and giving them this info they will now over think this. It will become real in their minds because it's been presented to them as a thought out fact. There's no mystery/vagueness....poor kids!

monkeynuts123 · 21/12/2013 20:10

Not sure I'd be having that conversation at that age, especially week before christmas Sad

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 20:10

My mum told us as children and we too wanted a different aunt to have us. But having gotten to know both aunts better as i grew up i agree with mum that aunt 1 was definitely the best choice. Thankfully it never came to it.

I think this is too important a decision to let a small child sway you on. Trust your gut.

BackforGood · 21/12/2013 20:11

Well, YANBU (not sure this is the best place to have a chat about this) but at that age I think I would have chatted to them about how it really is unlikely that it's ever going to happen and why on earth are they thinking such thoughts, etc., rather than telling them.

Hassled · 21/12/2013 20:11

I told my youngest 2 (it's ExH, father of my adult DCs) a few years ago and they got way too excited about the prospect of living with him for my liking. I struggled to stop myself reminding them that this happy idyll was dependent on their beloved parents being tragically dead.

I think it's fair enough that you told them - it's the sort of thing a child worries about. Just reassure them that Auntie X will always love them and be part of their lives.

SeaSickSal · 21/12/2013 20:15

Sorry, that's an incredibly odd thing to discuss with children. Particularly as you seem to see it as some sort of 'gift' to be bestowed. You've probably scared the life out of them.

It's also very strange that you want to give them to a brother that doesn't speak to you. You sound really unhinged to honest.

Hassled · 21/12/2013 20:17

No, she really doesn't sound completely unhinged. It's the sort of thing some children fret about - much better that they know they'll be looked after.

RandomMess · 21/12/2013 20:18

If your dc ask what do you all suggest parents do - lie?

treaclesoda · 21/12/2013 20:20

I don't think it's odd to discuss with them, it would be a lot more odd to sweep it under the carpet if they raise the issue. I've discussed it with my kids and I know my sister has told hers that I will look after them shoild anything happen to her and her husband. Kids aren't stupid, they know that it is possible, if unlikely, that they might be orphaned, and they need to be reassured that they wokld not be left to fend for themselves.

pixiepotter · 21/12/2013 20:21

Does the uncle know anything about this?
I think you were wrong because 1) you are feeding unhealthy thoughts.The chances of you both dying are infinitessimal
2) you can't know that the uncle will want to or even be in a position to look after them at the time

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 20:23

Not unhinged at all!

Far better for a grieving child to have at least an idea of who would care for them than the worry of not knowing and not knowing who to ask whilst trying to absorb the shock of having lost both parents!

LunaticFringe · 21/12/2013 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe · 21/12/2013 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RooRooTaToot · 21/12/2013 20:27

YANBU

I remember having a similar conversation with my parents when I was young (I was - and still am - too preoccupied with death). It was reassuring to know that there was a plan in place. I would have worried far more if they'd fobbed me off with some non-answer!

Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:30

If your dc ask what do you all suggest parents do - lie?

DD brought it up! Not me. It would not be my idea of a fun conversation with my DC.

She asked, I gave her the answer and the reasons why. I hope it has made her feel more secure along with 'The only way it is likely to happen is that me and Daddy die in a car accident and we don't travel without you very often and Daddy is a good driver'

OP posts:
nomorelostweekends · 21/12/2013 20:31

Another one here who thinks its a perfectly appropriate discussion. DD1 asked when she was about 6 and we told her that my DB and his partner would look after her and DD2 (already agreed with them). If we had tried to distract her and fob her off she would have just got more and more anxious. Both DP and I lost our DF's in our teens, so she is fully aware that parents die sometimes. I am really surprised at people's reluctance to talk about this.

butterfliesinmytummy · 21/12/2013 20:32

Not U at all. Dds are 5 and 9 and dh and I have finally got round to having a lawyer draw up our wills. We have stated that his brother will take care of dds if both dh and I are unable to and second guardian will be my sister. The people concerned and the kids know this, and also that it's extremely unlikely that it will ever happen.

I grew up knowing that a certain auntie would take care of my dsis and me if our parents both died and it was reassuring to know there were plans in place.

Everyone should make a will and state guardianship of offspring. Can you imagine your kids losing their parents and not knowing who they would live with, your family squabbling over them or even not having anyone who was prepared to take care of them?

Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:32

LunaticFringe we had similar when DS was born, the girls were brought to the hospital to say goodbye to me! They would have each gone to their Dads, but probably never had contact,

OP posts:
Clunch · 21/12/2013 20:33

Not odd in the least, OP. Would be slightly more concerned at the logistics of a relative to whom you don't speak being the designated carer, but I suppose his relationship with the children is the crucial thing. As long as he is fully aware of the situation.

phantomnamechanger · 21/12/2013 20:34

YANBU - perfectly reasonable to explain this to children in an age appropriate manner. we also talk about organ donation and cremation/burial, all very matter of fact. none of it has troubled our kids at all. probably because they know they can trust us to talk openly and honestly about anything they want to discuss or that's bothering them.

DD's first knowledge of organ donation was when she was 5 and waiting in A&E for her head to be glued after running into something. there was a child-drawn poster of a girl in a bed, with an angel above her and a heart shape above the bed and an arrow showing the girl going up to the angel. underneath it said dear mummy and daddy if I die please give my heart to somebody who needs it. Brought a lump to my throat, but DD was very happy to ask about this and understood fine.

Clunch · 21/12/2013 20:34

Could the auntie they keep mentioning have some kind of subsidiary guardian status, too?

RandomMess · 21/12/2013 20:36

I can't imagine sweeping all this stuff under the carpet Confused if they ask you tell them! I'm very grateful dd1 once asked who her dad was as I was able to tell her at a very young age that she had a different bio dad and as a result it's a non-issue because she's always known. Very very glad I didn't lie about it.