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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DCs who would care for them in the event of our deaths?

101 replies

MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:05

DD was having a pessimistic conversation about where would they be if Mummy and Daddy died at once.

I told them their uncle has agreed to look after them, even though he doesn't really speak to me. He is the same age as me, has no children to care for and is one of the most level headed people I know!

He loves my kids and has fun with them but also disciplines them in a way I find acceptable.

He is the best person to have them.

They are now saying they would rather have Auntie X. Auntie X is wonderful and would have a lot of involvement in their lives, especially DDs, as they have interests in common. BUT she is not the right person to have sole responsibility for my DCs.

Auntie X is also married to uncle who is blood, and I fear she may leave, so not a good choice!

OP posts:
BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 20:39

I think it's fine! Less sure about giving details of how you might be most likely to die even if the intention was to reassure - I don't think I'd have said anything.

Children aren't going to magically forget about the possibility that their parents could die if you refuse to talk about it. It IS possible and it is just the kind of thing that could be terrifying and scary if you didn't know what would happen.

It doesn't mean that you sit them down and ask them who they'd most like to stay with, no, you make the decision for them of course. It's not fair to saddle them with that responsibility. But if they ask then absolutely yes tell the truth because to not know seems far more frightening to me than to know what would happen, even if you would prefer something else.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:39

Organ donation is a common discussion in our house, Uncle #1 needed a kidney, Uncle #4 was the most suitable to donate. It lasted some years. Uncle #1 is the one who died, uncle #4 is the inheriting my DC uncle. He is amazing.

OP posts:
123caughtaflea · 21/12/2013 20:41

Well, I am in the camp of if they ask, you tell them. I knew when I was 8, saw my parents' wills etc. It wasn't much of an issue at the time, but very reassuring when my father did die when I was 11'

My son asked at 5 1/2, but his background and circumstances were such that it wasn't surprising and he needed to know. He is less anxious as a result.

For me, as long as the question comes from the child (and you have a proper plan in place) it's a no-brainer. Why wouldn't you be honest?

Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:42

Clunch, she will have a role in their lives as long as she stays with their uncle.

OP posts:
MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 21/12/2013 20:43

Not at all odd or unhinged. What a strange thing to say.

We haven't discussed it as it has never come up, and I don't really know who we would chose, but I would be honest and open with my DC if they asked.

I am assuming that you emphasized how unlikely it was to happen. Don't see what else you could do since your DD brought the topic up.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:43

Thank you 123, we are 100% in agreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:45

Oh yes, I did emphasise how unlikely it would be and how wonderful her Uncle is!

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:48

I think becasue uncle #1 died, they were going to switch off life support on DCousins Bday, family fought this, so it was turned off day after, they may be more aware of life and death than other children of their age.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/12/2013 20:53

What amazes me is how hugely pragmatic young children are about such things, they are often sad as well but very pragmatic too.

softlysoftly · 21/12/2013 21:01

Yanbu if she asked.

Growing up me and 3 dsis believed we'd have to live with godparents if dps died. Their godparents were all lovely mine were all a bit scary/grumpy. Was an awful worry that my sister's loved reminding me of!

NiceTabard · 21/12/2013 21:08

YANBU at all

I don't understand why so many people are so uncomfortable thinking / talking / arranging for this stuff.

We have it set up in wills, we got it sorted when they were v small along with agreement from the person who we thought would be best.

If they asked I would tell them. Obv with disclaimer that it's just incredibly unlikely but it's reassuring that if nightmare scenario happens then mummy & daddy have thought about it and they will have someone to look after them.

I think what you said was fine Smile

drbonnieblossman · 21/12/2013 21:09

I told my DC (but a little older) - I personally think it's good to as they know that if anything did ever happen, that yes they would be without me but that they would be safe, secure and loved. They have never questioned it since, so I believe it was the right thing to do - they know, accepted it, clearly hope it never happens but won't have that worry of wondering what will happen to them.

LunaticFringe · 21/12/2013 23:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 21/12/2013 23:33

We have had this conversation brought on by the fact that three of mine lost their dad last week to cancer.

I know, I know. I keep talking about it.

I always answer my children's questions. Age appropriately if possible. YANBU.

SeaSickSal · 21/12/2013 23:36

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tabulahrasa · 21/12/2013 23:52

Don't most people have this conversation with their DC at some point?

We have - though it went a bit differently, what happens to us if you die? Your dad will look after you, and if he dies? Auntie X and Uncle X, and if they die? Your granny, and if she dies?

What sort of freak accident are we all in that we're all dead and you're not there? I mean we don't even all travel in one car, TBH I think you'd have bigger issues by that point.

But who'd look after us then?

Auntie Y probably - I hadn't planned on us all being dead. Hmm Ooh I'd like living there! I'm a bit scared now that they might kill us all off to get to go and live with auntie Y, lol.

So no, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to have that conversation or to ignore their preferences - though I'm not sure why you'd pick someone who doesn't speak to you?

wilkos · 21/12/2013 23:55

Yanbu to have the discussion if it was initiated by your dd, I remember having a similar conversation with my mum when I was 7/8 and I don't recall being upset by it.

But why you would leave them in the care of a brother you don't speak to is beyond me... why would that in any way be the right thing to do? To leave your grief stricken children with someone who they hardly know? Shock

Preciousbane · 21/12/2013 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykadelic15 · 22/12/2013 00:07

Being an immigrant I've thought about this "guardian" stuff myself... quite a bit seeing my husband and I need to update our Wills (and he's a "doing that is morbid" type so I have to convince him and then just book the appointment one day and tell him when and where :P) and having MY family overseas makes for an interesting situation.

I wouldn't trust my husband's family to look after our dogs, let alone children and it would take my family 24+ hours to get here so then what? The child situation isn't relevant yet but my husbands friend (one in particular) has been told he's the guardian of the dogs till my family arrives/makes plans for their transport. He's totally fine with that and would understand how they are.

If we did have kids already, I have NO IDEA who would look after them until my mum arrived. I also can't think of a back-up I trust... it sucks!

I don't agree with naming 2 sets of people at once (auntie & uncle X) because of the risk of confusion if a relationship breaks down. I prefer naming one person, and then a back-up person. If only I could think of a back-up or if my husbands family would pull their heads out...

frogspoon · 22/12/2013 00:21

If they are old enough to ask they are old enough to be told.

It is probably better that they know, as even though it will probably never happen, in the unlikely event that it did they would be reassured that someone you trusted would be caring for them.

Morloth · 22/12/2013 00:38

Shrug DS1 asked me this once.

So I told him the plan.

I always have a plan, he knows that and finds it reassuring.

Topaz25 · 22/12/2013 01:11

SeasickSal, I read the post as saying her daughters were brought in to say goodbye because her condition was very serious, not just in case!

TheArticFunky · 22/12/2013 01:14

Dh and I haven't even discussed this. If the worst happened I honestly don't know who I would want to bring up the children.

Topaz25 · 22/12/2013 01:15

You mention Auntie X will only have a role in your DC's lives if she stays with their Uncle, maybe they have picked up on this and are anxious about losing her, which is why they asked for her to be their guardian. I know divorce in the family is awkward but it doesn't mean your children have to lose a family member. I'm glad my family allowed me to stay in touch with my Auntie's ex husband. They split up when I was about 12 so I had already bonded with him and still saw him as my Uncle. Luckily everyone was adult and amicable about it. I'm not saying you have to give her guardianship of your children, I'm just suggesting you leave the door open to her maintaining a relationship with them.

I also wonder why you want your children to go to someone who hardly speaks to you? Surely there are issues you need to discuss with him before you make this decision?

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 01:21

I've had this conservation with dd who was 5 at the time. Obviously I reassured her that I am planning to be around for a long time, but if anything ever did happen my sil would have the dc. Dd is in agreement that sil is the right person, and so am I. Ds is too young to understand. Our life circumstances dictate that this is a necessary conversation for dd's own peace of mind. Nothing odd about that.