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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DCs who would care for them in the event of our deaths?

101 replies

MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:05

DD was having a pessimistic conversation about where would they be if Mummy and Daddy died at once.

I told them their uncle has agreed to look after them, even though he doesn't really speak to me. He is the same age as me, has no children to care for and is one of the most level headed people I know!

He loves my kids and has fun with them but also disciplines them in a way I find acceptable.

He is the best person to have them.

They are now saying they would rather have Auntie X. Auntie X is wonderful and would have a lot of involvement in their lives, especially DDs, as they have interests in common. BUT she is not the right person to have sole responsibility for my DCs.

Auntie X is also married to uncle who is blood, and I fear she may leave, so not a good choice!

OP posts:
Dwerf · 22/12/2013 10:56

If I died tomorrow my girls would go to their dad. I suppose that's one of the few upsides to being a single parent with a good relationship with the ex, we're very unlikely to die in the same accident. If we were both deceased, my eldest daughter would step in.

Should my eldest daughter and her partner both pass away. I would be guardian for my grandchildren. I'm the most involved grandparent they have.

Dwerf · 22/12/2013 11:02

Sorry, posted too soon.

I think it's not a bad idea to tell the kids these things should the topic come up. I think if the worst was likely to happen, the worry about where they were going to end up would be sorted, one less thing for them to stress about.

costumething · 22/12/2013 11:10

What do you do if you have absolutely no one to name as guardian? I ask because I have that situation. I have no family who are not elderly. Dh also has a v small family and the only candidate of the right age has a large family of his own, so limited capacity to take on more children. We have no close friends who are suitable either.
So we haven't been able to do anything about it - guess social services would have to find someone?

octopusinasantasack · 22/12/2013 11:12

costume we're in that situation as well. You can name somebody as guardian even if they won't be able to have your DCs live with them; I know people who are single parents who have named a guardian other than the other parent so they have somebody in both sides of the family looking out for them, it's particularly important if there is money involved.

Salmotrutta · 22/12/2013 11:17

I don't see a problem with answering questions like that if they come up.

My two would ask why people died etc. etc. and I would usually tell them a basic version that normally it was very old or very ill people who died.

But, as Thisisaeuphemism pointed out I was a wee bit confused to see that you had mentioned car accidents - "and that you didn't travel without her very often". Confused

I'm probably reading that completely wrongly but it sort of looked like saying she would be in the car too if there was an accident.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 11:21

A lot of you are saying older siblings. I find that interesting. I have an 18 year old. She is settled and getting married next year, but I really do not think she would manage, her younger sister especially. She does sometimes help me out with a very little bit of babysitting, but long term DD2 would drive her crazy as she does me.

DD2 does have ADHD, I am utterly convinced of it, but unable to get a diagnosis because as soon as I mentioned ADHD, the school changed their minds about her behaviour. She suddenly went from being fidgety and unable to concentrate to being an angel. Hmm I think they are trying to protect her from a diagnosis and being overly medicated, which I am not sure is the route we would go down anyway.

costumething, I have no idea. We had a few to choose from really. DD1, who I have ruled out above, the uncles. My own DSis, is so over bringing up children, with her youngest being 18. My own DM doesn't really bother with my DC, she didn't really bother with me. DPs parents are too elderly.

OP posts:
costumething · 22/12/2013 11:22

Yes I know you can name a guardian just from a financial POV, but that still doesn't solve the problem of where the children will live. My elderly relatives couldn't even manage financial guardianship anyway.
I am continuing to be very careful when crossing the road...

girliefriend · 22/12/2013 11:25

My dd asks about this quite regularly, I think its normal for kids to want to know they will always looked after.

As long as my mum stays in good health she would have her.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 22/12/2013 11:25

I have had this conversation with my children and do not think it is weird at all. They have asked and I have told them.

My youngest would live with a friend ...my family are not too happy about this.

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 11:26

Costume that is our situation really, their guardians are people I trust to protect my dc going to unsuitable family members. I want my dc to stay together and if adoption is decided as being best that is fine by me. I also know their guardians and the executor would keep in contact with the dc so they would have a link back to people who know me well. Hopefull the grandparents would keep in touch too but they wouldn't want to be parents again.

It is only for a few years - mine are now older so their wishes would carry more weight and perhaps decisions would be made differently. To be honest has we died when they were 3 5 and 6 I think adoptive parents would have been the best solution for them.

Dwerf · 22/12/2013 11:27

MammaTJ If my dd1 wasn't already settled with her own kids, I'd probably be wary of picking her, and would probably ask my sister. Or even my parents, who are not yet retired. My youngest two are both pre-teen, so I'd be looking for guardianship for eight years at most. It's much harder if you're looking at this when your children are much younger.

costumething that is hard, although the person with a large family may take them on anyway, it's not unheard of.

It's a hard decision.

willowstar · 22/12/2013 11:27

Not odd at all. I remember knowing from a fairly young age that if anything happened to us we would go live with my aunt and uncle, not my dad. My mum was a single parent so I imagine I really worried about it so she told us.

MummySantaHoHoHo · 22/12/2013 11:30

My husbands ex wife when she had breast cancer, made their 9 year old promise not to go and live with her dad and made the 16 year promise same and to take responsibility for her sibling.

Thankfully she survived but what a burden to place on your children (no DV and 40% contact).

Re the OP, I think telling your children they would go to someone they don't have much of a relationship with would make something already terrifying even more so.

I have no idea where mine will go - ideally my mother but she is aging now.

MummySantaHoHoHo · 22/12/2013 11:31

my children have a young adult sibling, I have asked her to keep an eye on them if something happened to me, but it would be unfair, I believe to ask them to give up their youth to look after their siblings.

willowstar · 22/12/2013 11:31

Oh and my children would go to my brother and his wife...they are loaded and live in Asia and would give them opportunities in life we could never even dream of and they agreed I
Immediately when we asked them. We see them maybe once every 2 years and on.y really speak by email every couple of months.

AntiJamDidi · 22/12/2013 11:32

Dd1 wanted to know the answer to this when she was about 3. I was a single parent and she doesn't have any contact with her father, so she was worried about me. I just explained that my parents would look after her, the same way they looked after her during the day while I was at work. She was happy with that and stopped worrying.

Dd2 hasn't asked yet, but if she did I would answer her with a factual "mummy and daddy are being very careful so that doesn't happen, but Auntie X would love to look after you if we couldn't, then you'd get to play with your cousins every day"

ComposHat · 22/12/2013 11:36

Saying you wish uncle x or aunty y to be the guardian of your children in a will have any legal status or is it just an indication of your wishes?

What happens if in between making the will and dying the person moves the other side of the world, becomes homeless, loses their job or a million gets a heroin habbit or a million one other circumstances that would make it difficult/inappropriate for them to look after after children?

MummySantaHoHoHo · 22/12/2013 11:41

I think its an indication of wishes, I may be wrong, but legally a birth parent will take precedence over anyone else is the advice we were given, even an absent one.

costumething · 22/12/2013 11:49

Yes a birth parent will always get custody unless they are proved in court to be unsuitable. I know this as it happened to a friends child. Another relative was named but the father contested this in court.
If the named person is unsuitable social services would challenge it.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 11:50

They have a great relationship with their uncle. They go and visit regularly and spend time with him. I do not. It is complex. This doesn't mean I don't like him though. I would not want my DC to go to someone I didn't like. He also has very similar values to me and is the right amount of firm but fair.

I remember when the DC were smaller, DD asked if she could have a biscuit and I said no because it was nearly dinner time. She went in to the kitchen and asked Nanny and Nanny said yes. This uncle stepped in and told Nanny off, telling her she shouldn't because I had already said no. This is one of very many examples.

OP posts:
80sdrummer · 22/12/2013 11:51

I don't think it's unreasonable to answer the question if it is asked.

DS asked so I told him that they would go to my sister and her husband (who have agreed, and we are a close family, and I would have hers in the event).

In spite of my parents having 8 siblings between them, they were never able to decide who dsis and I would go to - the most appropriate were overseas which would result in a massive upheaval for two traumatised children, the ones who lived nearest had other issues, it made me feel very unsettled and I can remember feeling hugely relieved when I got to 18 knowing that it was no longer an issue and assuming that I would be dsis' guardian, as I wouldn't have wanted her to go anywhere else.

MegaClutterSlut · 22/12/2013 11:52

I think I've mentioned to my dcs 11 & 7 what would happen if anything happened to me and DH. They too will got to my brother as he is a brill dad and I know he would do a great job, probably an even better job then what I could do tbh.

If anything happened to my brother I will be responsible for my 2 nephews and also my best friends son

unlucky83 · 22/12/2013 12:40

YANBU
I've had this conversation with my DCs - they know my Dsis is going to be their guardian but my parents (early 70s) are named as well.
DP's family are overseas and he doesn't want them to look after DCs.
We have wills because we aren't married (very important! - without one all your 'wealth' will go to your DCs and until they are 18 they can't really access it - so things like a joint mortgage could involve a DP having to sell up or buy out the DCs.) DP and I are each others sole beneficiary but if one of us dies when the DCs reach 25 we have to give them a fixed lump sump. This is to prevent a remarriage leading to DCs not inheriting anything. (Ie I die, DP remarries without a will, dies and everything of his goes to his new DW. Our DCs are bypassed. Then especially if she already has children and she dies everything then goes to her DCs and our DCs lose out.)

We also have our solicitor as executor. My Dsis can access money to look after them etc.

For those who haven't thought about it/prepared for it - you might not get warning! Much better to have everything in place so there can't be disagreements/uncertainty etc etc. Just imagine coping with losing a parent and then having to wait for stuff like this to be sorted out, people thinking what you would have wanted, possible arguments. It just makes it much easier for your loved ones.
And keep your wills up to date!!! - I know of 2 cases where their circumstances had changed considerably after making their wills and things didn't end up as they would have wished (and in one case instead of their DW being well looked after, she was made to feel uncomfortable if she spent anything - and both her and her DH still don't have a plaque at the crematorium....because that would have reduced the inheritance Sad...)

Original poster
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 12:42

They too will got to my brother as he is a brill dad and I know he would do a great job, probably an even better job then what I could do tbh.

I think that about my DCs uncle too. We may be on to something. I should ship them off to him and be the fall back if anything happens to him, maybe! Grin

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 22/12/2013 14:14

has your brother agreed to this?