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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DCs who would care for them in the event of our deaths?

101 replies

MammaTJ · 21/12/2013 20:05

DD was having a pessimistic conversation about where would they be if Mummy and Daddy died at once.

I told them their uncle has agreed to look after them, even though he doesn't really speak to me. He is the same age as me, has no children to care for and is one of the most level headed people I know!

He loves my kids and has fun with them but also disciplines them in a way I find acceptable.

He is the best person to have them.

They are now saying they would rather have Auntie X. Auntie X is wonderful and would have a lot of involvement in their lives, especially DDs, as they have interests in common. BUT she is not the right person to have sole responsibility for my DCs.

Auntie X is also married to uncle who is blood, and I fear she may leave, so not a good choice!

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 22/12/2013 02:21

The artic funky I'm only looking at recent messages. I know it is hard but it is worth a thought. Obviously! But if you have thought of someone and spoken to them ( and all of this is on the basis that obv it won't happen!) you know there won't be uncertainty or god forbid arguments if it happens (which it won't).

it doesn't have to be family, just who would you want to look after your kids, parent them if you weren't there? Talk to them, it's a good thing Smile The obvious with us would be my parents but you know they're really getting on and then they would lose another set of parents again.

We thought about it a lot Smile

NiceTabard · 22/12/2013 02:34

SAM2U I am so sorry.

I don't know what to say. I hope you and your children have people around to support you at this terribly difficult time.

In DH family there have been some young deaths of parents - not anywhere as near as yours though - but it seems to bring people together. I hope you are OK.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 04:19

Giving your kids a scenario where you might die is mental, She brought it up, not me.

Having your children bought into maternity hospital to say goodbye to you incase you die giving birth is absolutelly completely batshit mental.

It was not a 'just in case' scenario. I was in intensive care and for a while it was a very real possibility.

OP posts:
sleepywombat · 22/12/2013 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 06:19

I wouldn't discuss this as I wouldn't want them to worry unnecessarily.

monkeynuts123 · 22/12/2013 06:25

Sometimes children pretend to be pragmatic to please their parents, because they don't want you to worry. Even very young children do that.

Original poster
MammaTJ · 22/12/2013 06:34

Sharaluck, I think I was reassuring her that she would be loved and cared for by someone she knows well, rather than worrying her. She asked. I answered.

OP posts:
octopusinasantasack · 22/12/2013 06:38

I would have told if they asked. I hope it never comes to it here as we have nobody suitable lined up at all, only one cousin would be suitable but she lives miles and miles away and the other cousin doesn't want to do it. As soon as my eldest turns 18 she will be named as guardian for the others.

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 06:42

I know you were reassuring but I would have just said it was very very very unlikely to have 2 young parents dying. I remember worrying about his as a child and my parents always reassured me like this and it stopped me from worrying.

Anatanacoat · 22/12/2013 07:09

There's a really large number of classic children's stories where the parents die or are absent, so it's not surprising this comes up in conversation.

(Narnia, Harry Potter, the Lion King, A Series of Unfortunate Events, the BFG, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess...it's really almost endless.)

AlwaysDancing1234 · 22/12/2013 07:20

My cousins lost their mother when we were kids so I asked my parents similar questions and remember finding it reassuring that I wouldn't be alone in the world if the worst ever happened. I don't think you were BU to honestly answer a direct question from your DC.

MrsAMerrick · 22/12/2013 07:24

When I was about 8 or 9 Iasked my mum the same question, and was horrified by the answer as she named one of their friends who wsd quite strict. I wanted my best friends mum! However, looking ack it would have been absolutely the right choice, the friends she named would hsve had tbe ability to absorb another two (presumably traumatised) chikdren into their family, whereas my best friends mum had mental health isues and a difficult marriage situation, which my DM knew about but I didn't.
I don't think it played on my mind, and I think my mum was right to tell me given that I asked.

Sirzy · 22/12/2013 07:29

I always knew growing up which relatives I would live with if anything happened, I don't remember a specific time being sat down and told and I don't think knowing so has done any lasting harm. You can't hide death from children and if they ask questions surely (age suitable) honesty is the best policy?

GlaikitInAPearTree · 22/12/2013 07:39

I told them their uncle has agreed to look after them, even though he doesn't really speak to me. He is the same age as me, has no children to care for and is one of the most level headed people I know!

Where in the OP does Mamma say she has a fractured relationship? I love my brother to pieces, he loves Ds like he was his own. But we never pick up the phone to "chat". Does this make me unhinged that I want Dbro to look after ds should anything happen to me??

Mamma answered a question, a question asked to her by a child trying to process a fear she had.

The only unhinged people I see here are those who would refuse to answer the question in the first place.

Longtalljosie · 22/12/2013 07:49

I knew where I'd go to from a similar age. I can't understand people who are balking at the idea of answering a straightforward question (and I'd urge people who haven't thought about this to do so, pronto).

Children can have very overactive imaginations and knowing you'd go to Uncle X stops wild fantasies about being sent to the orphanage.

As far as their attempt to negotiate goes, just say no, I've decided and that's that. You don't need to go in to why, other than to say you think Uncle X is the right person and it's your decision - and they'll still get to see their Auntie. OK, so you think she might leave - but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

cece · 22/12/2013 07:51

My DS1 asked me this a couple of months ago. I told him and he seemed happy with the answer. Nothing more has been said about it.

MrsDavidBowie · 22/12/2013 07:52

I am glad mine are teenagers now, so they are nearly old enough not to need a guardian.

We had good friends down as guardians.

Nothing morbid to have a discussion..it would be comforting to a small child knowing that they wouldn't be whisked away to a home like Tracey Beaker.
This Christmas I am planning my funeral ....not because I am weird, but want things n place so dh doesn't do anything random Grin. We were chatting about it last night...he stipulated he doesn't want certain people at his funeral such as his twin brother.

DziezkoDisco · 22/12/2013 07:54

I hope they weren't told they were being brought to you to say goodbye. My DSS mum pulled this sort of shit with him and he was so worried about her dying for years.

The car scenario is weird, it reads as if you're basically saying, dont worry your often with us so will die too.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 22/12/2013 08:00

I think responding to such questions is great.

Telling her she is going to an uncle she hardly knows - 'who doesn't really speak to me" - not so great.

Telling her you might die in a car crash - not so great. Sorry.

ChishandFips33 · 22/12/2013 08:24

I remember asking this when I was about 6. My dad was urgently taken into hospital, mum went with him, I was left at my aunty's house.
As I was 'left on my own' (in my head it seemed this way) my mind must have over processed the situation and the question was asked. I was told it would be that Aunty and her husband (my uncle) and I accepted it. (I think children accepted rather than questioned adults decisions in those days)
It felt a relief to know tbh and I still remember the felling nearly 40yrs later!

Children's minds make connections in ways that adults don't - and anything can trigger that thought process; a book, film, someone's pet dying etc.
Not an odd conversation at all OP

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 22/12/2013 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingtins · 22/12/2013 08:40

Not an odd conversation at all. We have a will naming guardians and trustees if we both die, and the subject was raised after the death of a family member. DS was worried what would happen if we both died, we reassured him it was unlikely, and told him the "just in case plan". He hasn't mentioned it since. DS2 hasn't asked, if something triggers the thought we will tell him too.
I don't remember ever asking my parents when I was a child, but I do remember being named in their will as guardian of my younger siblings when I was 18. We only had ageing rellies by that point so I guess whoever had previously been a guardian needed to be relieved of that responsibility thank god I was never called upon

sooperdooper · 22/12/2013 09:33

I wouldn't discuss this as I wouldn't want them to worry unnecessarily

If a child asks the question and you won't discuss it they'll worry a whole lot more!!

I remember having this conversation with my folks, kids are a lot more practical and resilient about processing this kind of information than we always give them credit for.

I think just not discussing it isn't really an option, if they ask and there's no answer surely they'll worry that they'd be left alone/hadn't been thought about etc.

Overthehillmum · 22/12/2013 09:44

My children asked me this when they were ten and eleven, they had a friend whose mum died, they were worried that they would have to stay with their dad (poor relationship), I told them that their aunt (my sister) and her husband had agreed to have them and were willing to fight through the court to stop their dad from having them, their comment to me was I was to try hard not to die before they were 18!!!

ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 22/12/2013 10:47

My children know the answer to that question. I think it is important.