to think that if there are stepchildren in your family you should treat them the same as non-stepchildren?

[RodneyTheChristmasElf]

Because my ILs seemed to have lost all interest in their step-grandaughter of 14 years since the arrival of 'their first proper grandchild'. I just don't understand it. Surely they must realise that treating their new grandson so much better than his sister is not only harmful to her but also harmful to her.

I used to love my ILs but since DS arrived I find myself disliking them more and more.

No excuse sky for treating her badly. Mabeyop and her dh could put a little aside for dd nest egg.

I know what will happen if we say anything, MIL will completely blow her stack, get vicious and nasty and the rest of DHs family will side with her so they don't also get targeted. If we're going to go down that road we need be absolutely certain it's the right thing to do as there will be no going back. She scares me.

There is no paternal side for DD, both just have my side and DH's side or not as it now appears to be.

We're not talking a child here though are we your dd is an adult now of 20 so it is different.

Is this your other post?: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1943243-to-be-a-bit-miffed-MiL-and-Christmas-presents

Either way, seems some shitty in-laws come out of the woodwork over Xmas!

The OP didn't say how long she's been with her DH (or I missed it) and therefore how long her daughter has been around them. Unfortunately, this matters. It shouldn't, but it does.

Since she was a baby. To her, I assume they've always been her grandparents.

I think they're behaving appallingly.

Sorry, 6 years old. Misread 'of 14 years' .

Still think they're awful.

Is this your other post?

No, but as I was reading it I did wonder if I'd been up posting in my sleep :o.

This is my other Christmas thread. I think MIL may be going out of her way to wind me up this year. I drove them back to airport today at lightening speed.

Lots if shitty step grandparents out there. So your dd is 20, sorry thought she was 14, I totally misread. Your dd s an adult so there is not much you can do, I am sure dd sees how shit mil is.

Wait wait.. I just thought it was poor maths. Your daughter is 20? I know of a few grandparents who stop giving a crap once you're an adult.

My DH's family told us we cease to be separate people once we married and get "group" gifts (stuff for the house)... that's strange to me.

I know another family where you stop getting gifts when you turn 18 (especially at Easter). Also strange.

I feel slightly better for your DD now I know she's 20. Worse for a kid, as an adult you can tell her "MIL is a nut-bag, now we know!".

I agree sky, it's different as an adult, but she should respect your dd, dd might say something to them you never know

So is your daughter 20 now? Earning her own money,? Maybe they see it as too late to start saving for her now as she is already an adult, and maybe they didn't give it a thought when she was smaller as, harsh as it may seem, they weren't sure she would always be around. Their own grand child will always be around even if you were to split so maybe want to do something. I have step children myself and may parents split before they came on the scene so they both treat my step children in what they feel is "right". My mum gives to all children at birthdays and Xmas so that on face value they are treated equally for my sons sake so he doesn't think that they are any less part of the family, however financial lump sums and inheritance are not given to them, partly as they have their own well off grandparents on mums side and then would be doubly gifted. My dad never does anything at birthdays, not even a card and only a token guesture at Xmas. He claims not to really know them so why would he? I suppose one big difference for me though is they don't live with us so a) it's easy to hide extra money gifts b) they don't have as close a relationship with them cos they don't see them every time they visit.

She's 20 but she's an autistic 20. My mum has sent her a Rupert Annual, an Enid Blyton CD, some Hello Kitty pjs and some colouring books that she really wanted.

As someone else said, some grandparents stop giving when adults, mine did. Maybe it's coincidence that she has reach 'adult' present rules the same time as you new baby coming along?

It's hard because she is high functioning so on the one hand she's grown up, goes to university and sounds like an adult but on the other hand she still lives at home because there's no way she could manage independent living yet and she spends her free time watching Tom and Gerry and Tots TV.

I don't think its strange to stop giving grand kids presents at 18 or 21. My DM and DDad have 10 grand kids. We (my DSis and DBro's) have persuaded them to stop giving the grand kids presents once they reach adulthood. They will just send a card and some sweets. The kids don't mind at all.

Op, it sounds like, while you saw them as replacement grandparents, they just saw themselves being nice to their daughter-in-law's child.

She certainly deserves their kindness and respect, so if they aren't giving it to her, I think you should speak to them and make the point that you, and dd, appreciate the care they have shown her for the past 14 years, that she cares about them and it hurts her feelings when they do x,y,z. Obviously the cake incident is unacceptable - could it possibly have been a mistake? Did she know that she was definitely going to be in etc? If your MIL carry's on doing things like that on purpose, even after you have voiced your concerns, I would cut her out.

I don't think it would be appropriate to expect your PIL to feel the same love for both children though, and I also don't think you should demand that they provide financially for your dd in the same way they do their own grandchild. That's asking too much. They shouldn't be saddled with the responsibilities your dd's paternal family failed to meet.

Does your dd know that they are not her actual grandparents, or have you been passing them off that way all these years? If you have been honest with her, and they behave kindly and respectfully in their interactions with her from now on, she is unlikely to feel rejected by the savings issue. I don't expect anything at all from my step-mother, for instance. She has her own children. When she does give my dc's gifts or whatever I am genuinely grateful. I certainly wouldn't feel put out if she gave her own children something she didn't give me.

If you haven't been honest about who these people are to your dd, she is probably going to feel very hurt when she realizes. You will have to deal with that, but if that is the case, I don't think you can direct the blame for it towards your PIL.

That's not fair. You should tell them that either they give money to the children equally or they don't give at all. It's totally unfair for them to give her 1/10th of what they give him.

It's horrible for her, but I bet when her brother is older he would not feel comfortable about this situation either so you really need to deal with it.

If you have AS could you perhaps write them a letter about this? Would that be easier than talking? Initially don't be too confrontational but tell them that what's happening with DD has been noticed and that as she is so fond of them it is hurtful. If you couch it in positive terms of how much they mean to DD and wanting to make the relationship stronger rather than criticizing them openly. That might get a good response.

Oh gosh is she on the more severe end of the spectrum (dd6 has ASD). I would certainly be having a talk to her, both dh and you so you present a unitedb front. Really she sounds very toxic, her treatment of your dd is applealing, nest egg aside. If she starts shouting and throwing her toys out of te pram just goes to show. Would you be prepared to go non communicating if she does tat, or only see FIL. I most certainly would have no hesitation, that includes the wider family if she bad mouthes you and turn family against you. You have each other, that all you need.

This could quite easily happen in a family where there are no step children. The arrival of a baby and such a wide gap in years might easily set off the behaviour you describe. But it is hurtful none the less. But I would try to avoid thinking it's because one child is a step child.

My Step-nan did this. She had me and my sister and she treated us very well and we did things with them - pantomime trips, staying with them etc.

Then her DS had a DD and she dropped us like a hot potato. She even said 'finally a granddaughter after all these boys'. It really hurt. I was 14 at the time and my sister was 10. She was really upset and refused to visit for ages. I dont think the relationship has ever really recovered.

Baby I am really if I sound like a broken record but we really want the best outcome fr ds and you, and for this to be turned around

Pop sorry wrong thread

My brother has step children and a child of his own. The step children see their father and both sides of the family very, very regularly and receive birthday and Christmas presents from them. I have spent the last 8 years treating the step children the same as all my other nephews and neices with regard to presents etc. However, we live a long way away from them and it has now been 4 years since I have seen my step-nephew and neice as they are often with their father at the times when I visit, and on occasion, even when they have been there, they have chosen not to see us. I have continued sending them birthday and Christmas presents, and not once in that time have they acknowledged any of those presents. They are 17 and 15, so perfectly capable of contacting me via facebook, email, text, phone or letter. I see my brother's son more regularly (he is 6). I've decided that this year will be the last year I send presents to the step nephew and neice. My gifts obviously don't mean anything to them.

I don't think it is possible to simply have a blanket rule which says that step children must be treated the same as all other children in the family. It depends on the set up of the family, the age of the children and in some cases, the level of involvement by all sides of the family.

In my Will, my brother's child may inherit from me, but not my step nephew and neice. They will undoubtedly inherit from both their mother and their father's side of the family - ie. the same as my nephew. If they had no contact at all with their father and his family, and no chance of inheriting then I may think differently.

Yanbu at all op, it's very sad when this happens. This happened to my dd, from a previous relationship (dh took her on as his own). At first for 3 1/2 years all seemed well with pil, they treated her so well, like one of their own and then me & dh had a newbaby and it was like my dd was completely disregared, but to be fair they always treated their other gcs (by sil) better anyway. Mine got stuff from the sale, hers got new uniforms, lots of money and time spent on them.

But again many years later i have found them to be truly toxic people and it has taken me many years to realise this and this isn't based on this matter alone unfortunetly.
They are narcissists through and through and a few years back mil started a hate campaign towards my dd mentioning her eye colour, haircolour, skin colour on every occasion she visited. Needless to say i have since gone non-contact and it also came out a while back that dh was pyhsically beaten by fil on many occasions as a child whilst his mother allowed it.

There were also a lot of other issues leading up to non-contact, such as fils temper over simple things such as gifts, and mil guilt tripping dh.

What i'm saying is this issue probably won't be the only issue and your best going non-contact for your children's sakes as feeling inferior will hurt the hell out of your child.