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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if there are stepchildren in your family you should treat them the same as non-stepchildren?

85 replies

RodneyTheChristmasElf · 20/12/2013 23:29

Because my ILs seemed to have lost all interest in their step-grandaughter of 14 years since the arrival of 'their first proper grandchild'. I just don't understand it. Surely they must realise that treating their new grandson so much better than his sister is not only harmful to her but also harmful to her.

I used to love my ILs but since DS arrived I find myself disliking them more and more.

OP posts:
ThePollyAndTheIvy · 21/12/2013 09:43

I think they are totally out of order!

My DSM always says she has 2 DDs when asked (even though biologically only my sister is hers), I am pregnant now and I know that our DS will be treated exactly the same as any 'biological' DCs my sister has.

My DM is with a man who's DCs and DGCs live very far away and so he hardly sees them and doesn't have a lot of contact with them, so will be closer to our DS than he is to them.

I know we're lucky to be like this, but I just think it's about acceptance; my DM buys birthday and Christmas presents for my Dsis (who is my DF and DSMs DD!) so as not to leave her out.

I'm sorry OP but I would have to say something!

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 09:44

In that respect I agree liittle fish, they are old enough to know how to thank you, they don't sound like they want a relationship with you so stop sending

Littlefish · 21/12/2013 09:49

Thanks piglet.

StealthPolarBear · 21/12/2013 09:49

What happened when they came back with the cakes? Did no one say "What about DD's?"

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 09:58

Exactly stealth did nobody mention it to them? You need to start being assertive with them op

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 10:00

Little fish when I was 7/8 (as soon as I learned to write properly) I always wrote thank yous for every birthday and Christmas present I got, or called the person to than kthem. Tat is very rude and I don blame you not sending in tat situation, I woudent!

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 10:06

I was having a much needed nap when they came back with cakes. When I got up I was given mine along with MILs entire thought process of why I'd like that one. I ate it and said it was nice and DD said she didn't like those ones. I asked her which one she'd had and she said she didn't get one. At which point MIL put on her 'helpless, ditsy, silly me' giggle and said 'oops, I probably should have got DD one too' giggle, giggle. DH hadn't realised at the time, he thought she'd taken it to her room. He went out and bought her a 4 pack of chocolate muffins (her favourite) and then MIL had the cheek to make a sarky comment about DD taking them upstairs instead of sharing Hmm

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/12/2013 10:09
Angry Glad your DH jumped in to try to make it up to her.
Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 10:10

Exactly stealth did nobody mention it to them? You need to start being assertive with them op

You're right, I know I do. The problem is that I find it difficult to get my thoughts together on the spot at the best of times. Apparantly this is common with AS. But most of the time MIL is fine, if a little weird, and then she does completely weird shit out of nowhere and blindsides me. By the time my brain has processed and absorbed what has happened it feels like the moment has passed to say anything.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 21/12/2013 10:15

My parents save for DD but give nothing at all to the DSSs who have their own maternal grandparents.

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 10:15

Good on dh, if she wanted to eat the lot upstairs it's nothing to do with Nasty MIL who has a real nerve. You need to practise different one liners or comments if mil treats your dd badly.

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 10:17

The nest egg thing forget, but mil should treat your dd nicely and with respect, the cake thing would uset me far more tan te nest egg

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 21/12/2013 10:22

YANBU, they are out of order. In our family in fact the expenditure is the other way round - DSS who is early 20s gets one main present and a token stocking, worth far more than the hits we get DCs who are 3 and nearly 1. Small children don't need expensive presents. I get the money to save as a present, but it should be for both.

Having said this, none of my family have got DSS a present ever. But they are mostly quite strange people and won't have got me or my DCs anything either. Bah. Who needs this nonsense especially at Christmas, your DD will feel loved by you and that's what matters.

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 10:32

The more I think about it the more I suspect it's little to do with being a step-granddaughter and a lot to do with MIL being self-centred and liking having 1 special relationship. I can see that she's done the same with her children, shown blatant favouritism to SIL. I suspect if SIL ever has a child then MIL interest in DS will go the same way as her interest in DD. Thank god we live in a different country and only have to see her twice a year.

OP posts:
CranberrySaucyJack · 21/12/2013 10:35

Some of what you've said sounds really cruel and spiteful, but in general I really don't agree with a blanket rule at all. All blended families have different dynamics.

(By Feb) I will have children with two different fathers, and ergo will have two lots of paternal grandparents on the scene. As long as all 3 have equal relationships with their own biological families (which they will) then I'm happy. I don't expect my ex-MIL to start buying presents for the baby or for my new ILs to start referring to my older girls as their grandchildren.

Depends on the individual families/kids involved. My DD1 would be the first to say DP isn't her father and that she already has a daddy- more's the pity, hers is an arsehole.

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 10:46

Oh tats god, out of sight out of mind mostly. But I would practise being assertive to them in the mirror

HappyCliffmas · 21/12/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyCliffmas · 21/12/2013 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnabelleLee · 21/12/2013 11:56

yes, when one is an adult and the other is a child, of course it is acceptable to treat them differently. It's not at all odd for grandparents to spend more on young children than on ADULTS. Do you all get huge gifts from your granny when you are grown up?

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 18:37

Anna op dsd has ASD so is not functioning the same as an NT adult!

Belugagrad · 21/12/2013 19:01

I agree with vivienne- this could happen with bio children wirh a 20 yr age gap- grandparents might be feeling more
Flush.

Belugagrad · 21/12/2013 19:02

That doesn't excuse general treatment but I think
Lump sums should be ignored.

HappyCliffmas · 21/12/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnabelleLee · 21/12/2013 21:33

She may have sn but she is an adult. And actually she doesnt say that at all, she says she thinks they changed towards her when another child was born.

pixiepotter · 21/12/2013 21:34

Blood is thicker than water
Step parents and step grandparents are fundamentally different.Your DH has chosen to take on a child who is not related to him because of his relationship with you.THe GPs have no reason to take on another man's offspring as their GC.

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