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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if there are stepchildren in your family you should treat them the same as non-stepchildren?

85 replies

RodneyTheChristmasElf · 20/12/2013 23:29

Because my ILs seemed to have lost all interest in their step-grandaughter of 14 years since the arrival of 'their first proper grandchild'. I just don't understand it. Surely they must realise that treating their new grandson so much better than his sister is not only harmful to her but also harmful to her.

I used to love my ILs but since DS arrived I find myself disliking them more and more.

OP posts:
annielouisa · 20/12/2013 23:35

I think it is very sad as someone who has stepchildren and bio children all adults. We refer to them all as our DC and do not use the word step.

Let your DD know how much she is loved. Have they changed the way they behaved or are they just treating DS better than they even treated DD?

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 23:39

I think that you might be thinking it's because of the first 'proper' grandchild when possibly it's not.

There does tend to be a bit of a disconnect between grandchildren and their grandparents at that age anyway. And people do tend to make a bit of a fuss over a baby than they do a teenager, not out of nastiness but just out of a natural instinct to make a fuss of a little baby.

Have you mentioned this to them? They might be unaware that they are doing this. If it's upsetting your DD then try and mention it to them. If they have been close before and get along well you might discover that they were completely unaware that they were doing this and are mortified if they've upset your DD.

AntiJamDidi · 20/12/2013 23:40

I count myself very lucky that my pils treat both my dds the same, even though dd1 is a step-grandchild. Of course for fil that means pretending that neither of them exist Sad Mil on the other hand has 4 grandchildren and only 1 is a biological grandchild. She treats them all the same, although obviously it's slightly different due to their ages and personalities.

I'm sorry to hear you ils aren't treating your dcs the same. It really isn't fair.

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 20/12/2013 23:51

For Christmas they've sent them money, £50 for DD and £500 for DS (so we can save for his future). They've also been putting money into a savings account for DS each month and buying him shares. So when he gets to adulthood he'll have a nice little start up fund and his sister will have nothing.

Then when they visit MIL now seems intolerant of DD. Like she resents the bond she has with her little brother and how he smiles for DD in a way he doesn't smile for MIL (who he doesn't see much). FIL asked me if DD would like to go out with them somewhere for the day, I said she probably would. He said he'd check what MIL had planned and then they went out without inviting her. MIL clearly didn't want her with them. MIL even went out one day to buy cakes at the local bakery, bought one for everyone except DD.

OP posts:
stiffstink · 20/12/2013 23:56

What does your DH say?

annielouisa · 20/12/2013 23:58

This dreadfully hurtful and makes me feel sad. How does you DH feel? Has the arrival of DS altered his relationship with DD? I think maybe he needs to set clear boundaries with MIL who appears to be the issue.

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 00:02

He doesn't feel comfortable with it either but doesn't really know what to do. I don't know if it makes a difference that we both have AS so handling difficult social/relationship situations is our personal hell. He knows that if he says anything it will be taken as criticism by his mum who will explode and rage and then the rest of his family will side with her to avoid the venom.

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 21/12/2013 00:02

you need to make it clear that you treat them both the same or not at all but dh needs to do this, I was treated like shit by my step mum and it was always her house so nothing I could do and my dad never stood up to her

MummySantaHoHoHo · 21/12/2013 00:03

The money thing I get dd has her paternal family to givee her (I assume if not iignore me).

The day out and cream cake not on

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 00:04

A while back someone on here sent me a link to a website about narcisistic parents. That's his mother through and through.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 21/12/2013 00:05

The savings and shares totally fine. I certainly wouldn't be saving for my SC and have less for my own DC. However day to day treats and outings I would expect to be more fair.

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 00:06

MummySanta DD has had no contact with her paternal family since she was 6 months old. What makes it additionally sad for me is that she lost her granddad (my dad) a few months ago so this treatment from her other 'grandparents' probably feels so, so much worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 00:09

My daughter did have around £400 saved from the little she got when she was born and we had a small amount in savings but we pooled it all with what my sisters had and gave it to my mum so she could pay for my Dad's funeral. :(

OP posts:
Annonynon · 21/12/2013 00:10

Yes I agree that the money side of it is totally fine but the things like the cake issue are just petty and spiteful

serin · 21/12/2013 00:14

I don't 'get' any of it.

It's not like she is a new person in their lives, she has been their 'grandchild' for 14 years. There is a massive difference between £50 and £500 and I don't see how they think this is reasonable.

In your situation I think I would take the money and tell the IL's that it will be split equally between the 2 DC's.

Plomino · 21/12/2013 00:15

My mum treats my Dsd exactly the same as the other 5 . She's even left them the same in her will . And she's just as protective when someone upsets her too . But then we've never used the step phrase here at all.

Newlywed2013 · 21/12/2013 00:25

How is the money thing fine? I would refuse to take the money and I think you need to have a word with them for dd sake. When they accept they have two grandchildren not one then I would accept gifts for ds. Outrageous and I am shocked people saying a Xmas present of money which differs by 450 is ok! Shares etc I think are fine and acceptable for for gifts for Xmas etc it's shocking and disgusting and I think mean like they are trying to hurt dd!

MummySantaHoHoHo · 21/12/2013 00:27

Really - so in a relationship where there are 2 children one step, receiving from the paternal family and 1 reviving from the "mum and dad" you think the step grandparents should treat both equally - effectively meaning the one child is getting double the other - from dads side, possibly step mums side,, mums side and step dads side.

sykadelic15 · 21/12/2013 00:28

I would wonder if they've always treated her a specific way and you didn't notice it until you had something to compare it to.

I would suggest that one or both of you sit down and talk to your in-laws about it (perhaps FIL as you seemed to imply he hasn't changed much, just MIL). Not about the gifts as that is their prerogative, but about if they're going to do something for your DS, they need to check with you before doing it so your daughter doesn't feel hurt.

I feel bad for your daughter because really, they're not her grandparents but they behaved like it for a time, leading her to feeling like they are so she'll notice the loss. How long has she been in their lives?

Original poster
RodneyTheChristmasElf · 21/12/2013 00:34

Sykadelic I did wonder if I were just more aware of how they are with her. DH and I have been married for 12 years, together for 14, so they've been in her life since she was 6.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/12/2013 00:36

Not acceptable at all, downright nasty and spiteful! Would you be prepared to cut them out if this continues, I most certainly would! You have to address it with them, or it will get worse for dd. the cream car incident is just awful as is the outing thing. This has to stop!

sykadelic15 · 21/12/2013 00:36

She is NOT their grand-daughter and doesn't have to be treated like she is. In an ideal world they would act like decent people and make the difference less obvious, but they aren't anything to her except the parents of the man her mum married.

It's not fair on DS if the OP to split a gift given to him because they felt like it. Just as if it were an physical gift. The OP's daughter needn't know the disparity so at the very least she needs to show less favoritism in person.

The OP didn't say how long she's been with her DH (or I missed it) and therefore how long her daughter has been around them. Unfortunately, this matters. It shouldn't, but it does.

pigletmania · 21/12/2013 00:37

I wouldent take their money or gifts

sykadelic15 · 21/12/2013 00:37

x-post - Just saw your length of relationship... so my previous post isn't relevant. Her entire light practically, not fair at all.

Definitely think you need to talk to them. You may want to consider what you'll do if she refuses to include your daughter.

randomAXEofkindness · 21/12/2013 00:39

Really - so in a relationship where there are 2 children one step, receiving from the paternal family and 1 reviving from the "mum and dad" you think the step grandparents should treat both equally - effectively meaning the one child is getting double the other - from dads side, possibly step mums side,, mums side and step dads side.

This ^^