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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people try FAR too hard with teacher Xmas presents?

133 replies

weddingballsup · 20/12/2013 19:54

DD took in a present for her teacher today - a large tin of gingerbread we made together and decorated nicely and I thought even that was heading to the 'too much' side but her teacher has been exceptional and really made a difference to dd, which I've told her before, so it seemed fitting.

Then dd came home and told me one boy in her class had brought in a case of 6 bottles each (she didn't know if it was wine or champagne) for both the teacher and the TA!! I know full well it's up to each parent what they do but surely that's just ridiculous? Considering it's a very 'bog standard' school, not a 'Mail-worthy' competitive private school.

Anyone else seen some 'trying too hard' efforts?

OP posts:
cathers · 21/12/2013 08:44

I gave ds teacher a bottle of wine, labelled with a tree dec he had made.
and other DS's teacher a pack of beer ( male teacher), also with a handmade dec. Thought that covered both bases- alcohol and personalised!
Was intrigued though at one parent giving a MASSIVE red foil wrapped gift to one teacher yesterday?!

MadeOfStarDust · 21/12/2013 08:59

Cash gifts are always taxable, vouchers are taxable if given to a teacher because they are a teacher (i.e. a gift given by reason of employment) but only if they are transferable or have a cash value. If they can ONLY be used to buy things which would be deemed a gift (and are under the £250 threshold) they are not taxable...

Anything from a single donor over the value of £250 given because they are a teacher rather than because they are a close personal friend is also taxable.

LAs should also have their own rules on the acceptance of gifts and undue influence due to cash value... Ours was token gifts under the value of £10 ( PER YEAR from the donor) could be accepted, others should not.

FredFredGeorge · 21/12/2013 09:02

MrsAMerrick 5 quid is a very low number! Is that the limit for recording the gift, or is it the limit for refusal? 5 quid would limit me to even accepting a lunch or even some coffee's when visiting some places.

Looking at lots of schools policies on this on the web, 15-20quid seems like the limit above which gifts from parents should be declined, and even that only as a rarity - so no dropping off a few bottles of wine every week. Many of the schools have a register for everything that is non-trivial - which is probably sensible, although must be PITA at Christmas for the teacher.

a large tin of gingerbread we made together and decorated nicely Yep - sounds like trying too hard to me, however regifting a few bottles of wine that you don't drink could be a no effort option. You never know the actual background or amount of effort that's been done, or what it really means, for you the time making the gingerbread and decorating it was really just some fun baking with your child, the present was incidental really I'm sure. Or it could've been homemade sprout wine that had been lovingly made and decorated by the kids too...

homebythesea · 21/12/2013 09:07

But why do people thbk they need to give gifts to teachers AT ALL? I have never fathomed this. You don't give gifts to doctors, street cleaners, shopkeepers etc for merely doing their job do you? Why give a teacher something for doing their job FFS? No other profession gets this perk

Jinsei · 21/12/2013 09:09

I do probably err on the side of trying too hard, tbh, but dd's teachers have all been brilliant and they are hugely important people in her life. For me, it's all about getting dd to really think about what they'd like - not just going out and buying a token present, but really putting some thought into it.

3asAbird · 21/12/2013 09:14

i hate collections glad current school dont do it as ended up like £200 vouchers, wine and flowers/chocs was ott.

I gave teacher

£2 box milk tray
teaching assistants and breckie club small thorntons box chocs £1 from poundland same for lollipop man as really apperciate him.

£2 mulled wine for school receptionist as shes star

so including wrapping spent
about £10

maxybrown · 21/12/2013 09:18

Homebythesea, we have done in the past. DH and I were only saying yesterday how we never see the same postie anymore etc etc else would have handed him a box of chocs or something.

It's nice to spread a bit of cheer and thanks :)

Last year was awful for DS at school, but this year his teacher is lovely. He has just been diagnosed ASD and wouldn't think or care about sending gifts but at my suggestion was happy to this year. He made her a rudolph wooden spoon and we got a £5 bunch of christmassy flowers. She looked pleased anyway Grin

I bumped into his old SALT in town the other day and she was asking after him and said she thought of him the other day as she got her decorations out and there was the one my DS made for her - that was nice.

I always apperciated everything I got as a TA. DH is a secondary teacher and doesn't get anything really but has had some really thoughtful cards over the years from some students.

goldenlula · 21/12/2013 09:36

This year I made shortbread biscuits for the teachers and tas and did the bags up with a Christmas tree decoration for them to keep if they wish. I don't know what anyone else got, I took no notice. We did get ds2's teacher a teddy for her soon to be daughter as she is going on adoption leave and ds2 wanted get her something for her little girl. The teacher seemed pleased, he also drew her a little picture and told me what to write on it, then wrote his name and about 50 kisses on it!

Foxy800 · 21/12/2013 09:38

DD loves giving pressies to them so we made a batch of biscuits together and shared them out.x

FrumpyPumpy · 21/12/2013 09:41

homebythesea if the bin man was educating by child, had helped him love school and be excited by learning, and was recognising his potential and challenging him to achieve, as well as being lovely, I would give him a bottle of wine and a coloured in bookmark too.

CaterpillarCara · 21/12/2013 09:51

I err on the side of trying too hard probably. It is possibly not justifiable. But I am so grateful to my children's teachers that I just want to do it. Is that so bad?

cjdamoo · 21/12/2013 09:56

I always leave the bin men a six pack

Jinsei · 21/12/2013 09:57

I err on the side of trying too hard probably. It is possibly not justifiable. But I am so grateful to my children's teachers that I just want to do it. Is that so bad?

That's how I feel, caterpillar.

Fakebook · 21/12/2013 10:03

We gave cupcakes decorated by dd in a box to the teacher and TA. The teacher gave the whole class a present each. Dd got a cotton bag with a picture of Rudolph and colouring pens to decorate it. Last year the teacher gave the whole class a daffodil bulb and instructions how to plant it.

I think it's nice to give something if the children are involved in making it. I don't find that "try hard".

treadheavily · 21/12/2013 10:20

My kids choose a tree decoration to give their teachers. So if teacher does tree, they have nice decoration, if they don't then it is only a few dollars wasted. They both made cards and one gave a cafe voucher too.

Rubybrazilianwax · 21/12/2013 10:21

I give a tin of biscuits/sweets into the gp surgery, also the post lady gets a gift, swimming coaches, piano tutors. Dh usually tips the bin men at Christmas if he sees them. When I had each of the dc I also left treats in for the midwives and a gift for the consultant.
Its a way of showing appreciation. If other people don't feel the same that's up to them.

CaterpillarCara · 21/12/2013 10:31

Ruby - exactly, different people choose different things / people to appreciate. None of us have been to the GP this year, so it would be pretty weird for me to go there especially now and leave gifts. But I think it is lovely that you have!

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2013 10:38

I was once given a tray of 12 fresh eggs from a pupil.
It was a really nice gift.

ImagineJL · 21/12/2013 10:49

I'm a GP and I often get presents at Christmas from patients. The extravagant presents make me feel uncomfortable, almost as if I'm being bribed to continue being extra nice! I once got given a diamond necklace on a gold chain, and I found it very difficult to do consultations with the patient concerned subsequently. It changes the whole dynamic of the situation.

Chocolates and cards are nice, but to be honest I'm just as happy (if not more so) if people just say thanks, that they've appreciated my help. Better still if they say they realise we GPs work hard, and that the slating we get in the media is unjustified. When I hear people say that it's like music to my ears, worth more than a mountain of gifts! I imagine many teachers feel the same.

Original poster
weddingballsup · 21/12/2013 10:53

Wow, didn't expect to come back to so many messages! I totally agree, and said in my OP, that it's up to everyone what they give but I'm allowed to think some things are going over the top and come across as trying to be showy rather than give a thoughtful gift? It wasn't the fact that wine was given but 6 bottles each, not even 6 to share - and the fact I knew because dd saw as the boy apparently brought them into their first lesson specially (and who gives a primary child 12 glass bottles to carry - recipe for disaster straight away). Why not give it before or after school yourself if you don't want to show off? And fair point about the income but then why not get one really nice bottle of wine or champagne - it's like deciding not to buy someone a box of chocolates but a wholesale box of Freddos instead, just a bit weird (unless in that case they love Freddos).

It's really not inverse snobbery - if someone can afford to gift a Mont Blanc pen and does so then great, but if they send a child in with a whole rack of Parker fountain pens then I'd think it was weird and wonder if it was done for show. And if someone's parent was a multi-billionaire and decided to slip the keys to a Porsche, or a Mini come to that, in the teacher's Christmas card then fair play to them, but if they drive up a fleet of Minis to the school gate I'd be Hmm

It's the idea that some parents do it to keep up with everyone else, or beat them somehow that comes across as OTT and distasteful, not giving a better/more expensive gift than me. I honestly couldn't care less if someone wants to buy something really expensive for a teacher, I personally feel it's completely unnecessary and hate it if it lacks thought (like just chucking the Ipad their way for a lack of anything better to do with it!) but it's up to them. What I was unimpressed by is the showiness and possible competitiveness of it, making the gift something ostentatious and sending the child in with it so it can be seen by all (dd never notices anything unless it's right in front of her nose anyway so it must have been fairly showy). What about less well-off kids who may have wanted to give a present but could only afford a handmade card (which I agree is a fantastic gift) - having 12 bottles of booze paraded in front of them is likely to make them feel awful whereas one, however nice (I hope 8 year olds don't know the value of different brands of wine on sight!), just looks like a 'normal' present so isn't so competitive. Isn't that why we have school uniform - some may have 10 brand new M&S sets, some may have one second-hand Tesco value set but it gives a fairly even playing field, and if you want to buy your children Gucci outfits for out of school then fine but you don't parade it in front of the other kids IN school. Surely it's not too much of a stretch to expect parents to apply a similar logic to things like teacher's presents?

Plus I was light-heartedly hoping for a few OTT stories too, like giving the Ipad because of not being able to think of anything else to do with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingballsup · 21/12/2013 10:55

Definitely don't think something children have made/been involved in making is try hard Fakebook, it's lovely and full of thought, which is the point of a present in the first place surely.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 21/12/2013 11:04

My dd's teacher very wisely doesn't open gifts in front of the children, so (apart from the obvious bottles etc) nobody knows what anyone else has bought. I think it's much better this way, as comparisons can't be made.

EnianShelZman · 21/12/2013 11:06

I had contributed to a class collection, and also gave a bottle of good champagne/vintage port/bailies to the stuff. I always give alcohol because it can be used for a party/save money to the teacher if they'll decide to regift if they don't drink themselves.

NickysMam · 21/12/2013 11:13

This brings back memories of when I was in primary school. I'm laughing now but at the time it was awkward.. we were all made to sit in a circle at the end of the day and were all told to bring our gifts with us, then we'd take it in turns to give our gifts to the teacher.

I was new to school that year and in my previous school, the parents would bring the gifts, if they wanted to, at the end of the day. So I was the only one who didn't gift her and she said "oh Nickysmam, am I not a good teacher?" I was 9 and felt like crying because of the looks I got from everyone. I told my mum and she blew her lid at her and gave the gift she intended to give her, to the caretaker. The circle time gift giving was banned after that..

bumbumsmummy · 21/12/2013 11:39

We gave a card with our thanks but will send something in at the start of term for DS birthday with the cake

I thought a nice hand cream for every one