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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that just becuase your dh works away during the week this does NOT make you a lone parent?

130 replies

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 20/12/2013 18:05

That's just it really.

Yes, you have TIME on your own with the kids but you have someone else to share the tough times with even if it is over the phone sometimes.
You have someone who can take over the challenges of childcare at some stage in the not too distant future that you don't have to pay or feel guilty about imposing on.
You have someone else who is looking out for you even if they are not there all the time.
You have someone else to plan a future with and share decisions with.
You have someone who you can share the money worries with.
You have someone who gives a shit if you have had a bad day.
You have SOMEONE.

I would rather be a lone parent at the moment, don't get me wrong. But IT IS NOT THE SAME PEOPLE so please stop trying to equate the two.

This has probably been done before.

Rant over!

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 20/12/2013 19:03

hassled summed it up for me!

RedLondonBus · 20/12/2013 19:08

japanese yes you are missing something

Why are you saying 'better/easier'? Op wasn't about that

Op was saying it's not the same, and as hassled said, it's a lot about the emotional aspect rather than the workload

colleysxmasmillofcheer · 20/12/2013 19:10

I had the opposite problem when ds was born.

Dh frequently works away and has done since we've been together, often not knowing from one day to the next if he might be back (except on Fri) and then sometimes home every day. No week is ever the same.

People used to say to me it must feel like being a lone parent but I've never thought that. The first time it was mentioned I was taken aback other people saw/perceived it that way.

The hardest thing for us is probably the unpredictability of each week but you get used to it.

FourLittleDudes · 20/12/2013 19:10

I'm a lone parent to four. Youngest are 2 and 10 months.

I think sometimes it's harder to have a partner that's never there than to be a lone parent. I don't have to resent anyone for not doing their bit, I don't have someone mess up my routines at the weekend, I don't have to explain my decisions or argue over who gets to be tired at the weekend.

MissWinter01 · 20/12/2013 19:11

JapaneseMargaret I agree with you 100% to be a lone parent can absolutely be easier if you have been in a poor marriage/relationship.

I do however think if you are in a happy marriage where your partner works away is hugely different from either of the two scenarios.

WreckTangle · 20/12/2013 19:13

Every persons circumstances are different.

You can have a single parent, lots of support, every weekend child free, ex paying towards children, lots of family support.

Then you can have a husband working away, comes home at weekends and is a useless bastard.

I know which one I'd rather be.

People need to open their minds a bit, it's not quite as cut and dry as lone parent versus a couple. It's not a competition anyway.

gettingeasiernow · 20/12/2013 19:13

Hmmm....I've done both, 7 years single parent (never a childfree weekend) and 3 years (so far) doing "lone parent in the week". I actually find it a bit harder because a weekend only dh needs time and attention, the relationship needs to be nurtured and the only way to do that is not to store up household chores for him at the weekend. So I feel extremely overworked with it, more so than if I could just slob out at the weekend.
But emotionally, yes you are right, he is always emotionally supportive but from a distance of 2,000 miles.

KingRollo · 20/12/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JapaneseMargaret · 20/12/2013 19:22

RedLondonBus, it was purely because you picked upon the words 'that is there' in response to DaddyPigs' post.

As if being there somehow automatically makes it easier, no matter what situation.

I understand the OP is talking about otherwise happy marriages, but DaddyPig was introducing another facet to the situation, and I'm just totally disagreeing with your point.

I don't think that someone 'that is there' necessarily means a person has an easier time, purely because their partner is present.

Anyhow, there is nothing more depressing than competitive misery. Everyone's situation is different, and again, I don't disagree with the OP.

JapaneseMargaret · 20/12/2013 19:24

I know, MissWinter that's why I said I don't disagree with the OP.

I was purely picking up on the notion that having someone there, no matter how crap they are is necessarily always better.

MissWinter01 · 20/12/2013 19:39

Sorry JapeneseMargaret I wasn't trying to imply that you did disagree. I actually agree with your post entirely.

SandyDilbert · 20/12/2013 19:54

I have been both, a partner who works away for many months at a time is tough, but being a single parent with no family, an ex who refuses to see his child and not only doesn't parent but is determined to utterly destroy you is much harder.

HerlockSholmes · 20/12/2013 19:54

it's not even the slightest bit similar. i have two friends who constantly tell me they "know how i feel" and that they "are as good as single mums" because their husbands are away.

they have no idea what it's like to only have one small income and nothing to fall back on once it's gone.

to wonder how their children will feel growing up without the support of a father.

to make every decision and carry every burden alone, with no one to talk to about it or help etc.

they think it's all about them physically not being at home plonked on the sofa every night, it's alot more than that.

YANBU.

feelingdizzy · 20/12/2013 19:56

I am a lone parent for a number of years now since my kids were tiny.I do everything,earn all the money,housework etc.My kids see their dad every 4 to 6 weeks.Its not the practicalities that I find hard,but the fact that all decisions are my responsibility,it can weigh heavily sometimes.
I don't know what its like having a partner who works away,I am sure it has its own challenges,these challenges are different though.

JapaneseMargaret · 20/12/2013 20:04

No worries, MissW. :)

I can only imagine how hard it is to be a single parent, and although DH works away regularly and I WOH, I would never deign to suggest I have it as hard. It's patently not true.

I just think you (generic) have to be a bit wary of suggesting that having a partner present - no matter how awful - is always better than being a lone parent.

MN has a proud LTB tradition, and there's good reason for that. :)

RedLondonBus · 20/12/2013 20:07

Being. 'There' is so so much more than being physically present tho..... Oh well, can see some people don't get it at all

JapaneseMargaret · 20/12/2013 20:10

You were the one who picked up on DaddyPig's post and suggested that having a partner present, no matter how unsupportive, is better than no partner at all.

I'm not sure what I don't get.

Again: I'm not disagreeing with the OP.

aciddrops · 20/12/2013 20:25

kingrollo good description. It is shit although as they get older, it gets better. My kids have actually looked after ME when I have been ill. It is still shit though but there is some satisfaction in managing it all without a stupid man.

The hard work and around of responsibility is overwhelming.

aciddrops · 20/12/2013 20:25

"Amount"

FudgefaceMcZ · 20/12/2013 20:40

YANBU, though I feel sorry (as a lone parent) for people who feel stuck in horrible relationships, and I do think they have it worse than me. While I have to deal with an ex who is never about (so e.g. I can't leave the kids in the house with him to nip to shop or go running or anything, you can do that even with a pretty crap partner unless he's violent to kids) but is still critical of everything, they have to deal with one who is there all the fucking time criticising and putting them down (if like my ex). So actually I prefer to be without. I guess they also get to avoid all the social-political abuse shite that is heaped upon single parents but you develop a thicker skin pretty quick to all that.

Original poster
justmuddlingalongsomehow · 20/12/2013 21:59

Really fascinating reading people's views on this. And YES - my life as a single parent is way, way easier that it was before I left my useless, aggressive addict of a husband. I could never leave the dcs with him and had no support at all at the end. At least now I am in charge of our destiny.

But if you read my op carefully I would think it is obvious that I was not comparing life in a crappy relationship with life as a lone parent. Nor was I trying to compare shittiness - I have lived on both sides of the shit brick wall.

I had simply read once too often the type of posts like 'oh yes my husband works away Mon-Fri so I know exactly what it is like for you, poor lone parents.' or 'I'm a single parent 2 weeks a month while dh is away on business/ driving/ you name it. It's so hard, but he's such a great Dad.' You don't know - it is not comparable in any way, shape or form.

OP posts:
Cluffyflump · 20/12/2013 22:06

Xmas is tough when you are a single parent.
It's just shoved down your throat all the time (happy family scenes).

I remember feeling soooo bitter upon seeing couples out shopping with their DC, whilst I had to soldier on solo.

I think the people that say these things are well meaning, but clueless!

SandyChick · 20/12/2013 22:15

My husband is in the forces. Lives away mon-fri. Just come back from 6 month deployment and is deploying again early next year.

I agree with original post.

There are times that are hard on your own but I would never compare my situation to someone who is a lone parent. I can empathise to a certain degree but definitely not the same.

AdmiralData · 20/12/2013 22:17

YABU. Not all situations or circumstances are the same. I'm a lone parent four days a week and carer of 3 fully grown adults. I'll make the comparison if I want to.

Original poster
justmuddlingalongsomehow · 20/12/2013 22:44

Admiral - read my post of 21.39. I was not comparing shittiness...

OP posts: