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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that just becuase your dh works away during the week this does NOT make you a lone parent?

130 replies

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 20/12/2013 18:05

That's just it really.

Yes, you have TIME on your own with the kids but you have someone else to share the tough times with even if it is over the phone sometimes.
You have someone who can take over the challenges of childcare at some stage in the not too distant future that you don't have to pay or feel guilty about imposing on.
You have someone else who is looking out for you even if they are not there all the time.
You have someone else to plan a future with and share decisions with.
You have someone who you can share the money worries with.
You have someone who gives a shit if you have had a bad day.
You have SOMEONE.

I would rather be a lone parent at the moment, don't get me wrong. But IT IS NOT THE SAME PEOPLE so please stop trying to equate the two.

This has probably been done before.

Rant over!

OP posts:
scottishbelle78 · 20/12/2013 18:34

Surely absent parents should be providing financial support too. Obviously it is rubbish if theu don't.

MissWinter01 · 20/12/2013 18:34

Sometimes when you have a partner who's never there it is tougher

Wow, just wow. I truly hope you are never a single parent. You would never survive, if that comment is anything to go by.

OP Could not agree with you more.

ImagineJL · 20/12/2013 18:36

I would not call someone a lone parent if they had a very involved ex who did a large proportion of the care.

I think the big difference is the expectation of support. I imagine that most of the work-away dads would be coming home if mum or a child was hospitalised or there was some other disaster. That would be expected of them, as they would be seen to be as involved in the situation as anyone.

I am a single parent with no dad on the scene at all. When I have a disaster to deal with then I have friends and family who will help me as much as they can. But it's not the same as having someone who is expected to help. People can dip in and out at their convenience, because it's not their responsibility. I have to be (and of course I am) very grateful, I have to pay back favours (or at least I feel I have to). Although in practical terms I may appear to have as much support as anyone, it's not the same as having someone who has equal investment and responsibility in the situation.

MissPricklePants · 20/12/2013 18:37

It is not the same at all!! for starters there is the parent who works away income! I'm a lone parent with a very hands off ex, he sees dd twice a month. No overnights. And nobody else looks after her for me. People who say they know how it feels don't, unless they have done it themselves!

MissWinter01 · 20/12/2013 18:39

I would not call someone a lone parent if they had a very involved ex who did a large proportion of the care.

Agreed. This does annoy me a little bit how many people play the lone parent card when they actually have a lot of financial and emotional support from their ex partners.

Monetbyhimself · 20/12/2013 18:42

I mostly agree with your sentiments. The thing that irritates me most about lone parents/ married parents scenario is when the issue of 'time without the kids' is thrown up as a bonus of bring a lone parent. I HATE being away from my kids. With a passion. When I had my babies, at no point did I contemplate being without them every other weekend. It's shit and I hope that anyone who trots out that line never has ti face the reality if it.
Secondly, when thr kids ARE away I either work, or dpend the time doing all of the bill sorting/ DIY/shopping/batch cooking etc that I possibly wouldn't have to do if I was still married.
I do know what it's like to be in a diffucult, abusive marriage and on balance I prefer being on my own.

JinglingRexManningDay · 20/12/2013 18:43

I should clarify before anyone benefit bashes lone parents I am not in the UK so comparisons cannot be made in benefits,I am in a council house. One parent families deserve every benefit they get and more regardless of what country they live in.

ranoutofnames · 20/12/2013 18:44

Did anyone say it was the same?

Cluffyflump · 20/12/2013 18:45

That's pretty much how I found it as a lp ImagineJL.
For me, it was easier than being with ex though.
Ime people see that you are in a relationship and presume you have some kind of support with DC.
Unfortunately that is not always the case Sad
No support is hard whatever a persons relationship status.

JinglingRexManningDay · 20/12/2013 18:45

My ex disappeared,never to be heard from again when dd1 was two weeks old. No idea where he went. Glad to be shot of the abusive asshole though.

KingRollo · 20/12/2013 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RodneyTheChristmasElf · 20/12/2013 18:49

YANBU I've been a single parent and my now husband works away during the week. The two couldn't be further removed if one tried.

RodneyTheChristmasElf · 20/12/2013 18:51

My daughter has had no contact with her biological father since she was 6 months old, she's 20 now. He's never paid a penny towards her upkeep.

JinglingRexManningDay · 20/12/2013 18:52

See KingRollo I suppose every situation is different. I can see similarities in my own situation but if I start comparing to others its not alike at all. Same as my experience of parenting alone could be hugely different to others.

I think everyone needs to stop comparing to see who is better or worse off. We all have our burdens to carry.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 18:53

No it's not the same.

I guess a lot depends on how happy people are with their lot.

Many women in marriages they aren't happy in can wish they were a lone parent with nobody else's expectations or demands to be pandered to. Many lone parents may prefer to be line parents than to be in a relationship like that. Off course there are lots of scenarios inbetween being happy and in despair.

I don't see what's useful in trying to make a comparison tbh?

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 18:54

Apologies for not proof reading before posting Blush

Hassled · 20/12/2013 18:54

I've been both - as in I've been a single parent and now I'm a parent with a DH away all week every week. And yes, I think the latter is easier - not in a practical sense (in my lone parent days the DCs' dad did his bit, and more), but in an emotional sense. DH may be in another country but he's still there for me, and I know that.

And that bit about being there for me is I think what the OP means. It's not about the practicalities, or even the money - it's about having someone you can say "I've had a great/shit/dull day" to, and who will care enough to listen.

BlackDaisies · 20/12/2013 18:57

I'm a LP. Two young dc who rarely see their dad. Family far away. I work almost fulltime to support us all. Lots of friends though, (although I rarely go out in the evening). Life can be a struggle financially and when we're all tired or ill. Despite this, for me life was far tougher in my horrible marriage. So I would agree with people who say everyone's circumstances are different, and you just can't generalise and say one situation is always harder than another.

VampireRabbit · 20/12/2013 19:00

I have had some people describe it as the same.

It isn't about it being shittier or anything, but it IS different. I am a LP of DTDs (my ex left literally minutes after the birth- walked out of hospital, and I have no idea where he is) and it is certainly better not to have ex in my life (abusive, controlling arsehole- all of which I've only realised since he left!) tbf, but life is completely different to being a partner of someone working away.

CranberrySaucyJack · 20/12/2013 19:01

I think YANBU if you're talking about people in otherwise happy marriages whose partners work away a lot.

I don't doubt tho, that there are lots of people in violent/EA relationships who have it no easier or actually even harder than LPs.

MammaTJ · 20/12/2013 19:01

DP is the lone parent through the week, though not for the next three weeks as I am home. He is the one who had to deal with leaving work to pick poorly DS up from school, he was the one who had to find child care for the next day.

Yes, he did ring me to tell me, but I was not a lot of use, being over 100 miles away.

pianodoodle · 20/12/2013 19:01

It's probably not the same, no. That said, being a lone parent doesn't give you the monopoly on bad times. We all have them.

JapaneseMargaret · 20/12/2013 19:03

I don't disagree with the OP at all, but RedLondonBus - if having a partner (any partner, no matter how bad) present, is better/easier than being a lone parent, then why do people break up and go it alone?

Surely being a lone parent - as tough as it is - is actually better/easier than coping with an awful partner...?

Or am I misunderstanding something?

BlackDaisies · 20/12/2013 19:03

I know the OP wasn't comparing life as an OP with life in a bad marriage. But I think having to adjust the whole time to being alone sometimes to being together weekends can probably be tough. I find it easier as a LP to have my in consistent routine. Like someone else said, it's not a competition. Loads of situations are tough, and people are different, so will find different things difficult.

sunshine401 · 20/12/2013 19:03

No situation is the same whether you are a lp or not. Some lp have a harder time than others but then some married/couple parents have harder times. Situations differ not on one factor alone. I bet some couple parents do have to live like lp and then some lp have a great family/support so dont feel they have that burden of "doing everything" you cannot judge without being with a person 24 7.