Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not be ok with MIL only wanting one DC to visit?

82 replies

pingulingo · 19/12/2013 19:53

I have huge issues with my MIL and I'm not sure if it's clouding my opinion on this matter.

I have two DC, 12 month age gap at 1 yr old and 2 yr old. MIL is early 50s and fit and well. She lives 250 miles away with FIL and they last had the DC come stay with them in the summer (when we were moving house). MIL has asked to have the DC in the new year for a few days (I've set a max of 3 nights) and has said she only wants one as she can't cope with two. She says she doesn't mind which she has first and will have the second at some point in the future.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this? I know my 1 yr old will not be aware but I think it's setting a precedent I don't like if nothing else.

She says she doesn't mind which DC she has - although my suspicion is this isn't exactly true and she will have some last minute excuse why it's better to have the older 2yr old this time

OP posts:

MrsDavidBowie · 19/12/2013 19:56

What's the problem? She has been upfront and says she can't cope with two.
I would struggle with 2 that age and I am 53.

MrsDrRanj · 19/12/2013 19:58

I'd never expect my mum (51) to have two kids that age, she finds watching DS alone hard work, kids are tiring.

She's told you she can't handle both of them together. But is still offering to have one. You sound quite entitled. She doesn't have to babysit for you.

pootlebug · 19/12/2013 19:58

I don't get the problem either. Why does it matter if she wants the 2 year old this time? Just point out it's younger DC's turn next time she wants one to stay.

One will get one-on-one time with Granny, and one will get one-on-one time with you....I don't understand what's bad about that.

trinity0097 · 19/12/2013 19:58

It's not like she's picked one and said that other can't visit, just that she wants time alone with each of them separately. You are reading too much into it and are being UR.

toobreathless · 19/12/2013 19:58

Sounds great!

How lovely to have Indivdual time with grandma, as long as they both get equal turns I think it's great especially with them being so close in age.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 19:58

Sorry, I'm with your MiL on that one.

I can cope for a day, but for a longer stay I would much prefer one-on-one. Especially as younger DC is really still a baby - will 1 year-old be happy being apart from you?

And they'll get individual attention.

Don't see the problem.

MrsDrRanj · 19/12/2013 19:59

And I also imagine it will be lovely for your DC to have one on one time with their grandparents

NurseRoscoe · 19/12/2013 19:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable and if it was me I would just offer to go too and do all the 'work' type things so she can enjoy the kids. Or invite her up to stay with you? Or just say no if she can't accept either of the last two reasonable options

MrsDrRanj · 19/12/2013 19:59

And I also imagine it will be lovely for your DC to have one on one time with their grandparents

sewingandcakes · 19/12/2013 20:00

It's good of her to have either of them. My dad has just one at a time, and while I'd get more of a break if he had all three or even the older two, I'd never think badly of him for not doing so.

Iworrymyselftosleep · 19/12/2013 20:01

Sounds great. I would be thrilled.

Unless there are bigger issues that you haven't mentioned then I wouldn't worry. Sounds more like you're disappointed at not being child free for a few days than grateful...

TheArmadillo · 19/12/2013 20:01

If she wanted only a particular child and was ignoring the other then it would be a problem.

Saying she will have one at a time because she can't cope with both shouldn't be. She is not favouring one or the other but admitting she can't cope with two very young children at once - tbh I'm not sure I could either.

It gives each child time on their own with you and time to have your MILs full attention too.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 19/12/2013 20:02

I think she's being reasonable. Two that age is hard. One you can have a lovely time one on one.

BsshBossh · 19/12/2013 20:03

I think MIL's request is perfectly reasonable. And she may genuinely find the 2yo easier to look after... YABU.

SanityClause · 19/12/2013 20:04

I am one of 6. If all of us had descended on my grandparents at the same time, they never would've coped.

We often visited one at a time, and loved it.

It's not like she's showing favouritism; she's happy to have either of your children stay, just not both at once.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/12/2013 20:04

You expect her to have two toddlers for 3 days and nights even though she has said she can't cope with it?

I wouldn't let children that small stay away from home overnight with anyone.

But if I was happy to allow it, I can't see for the life of me why they would need to go together.

And it WOULD make more sense for her to take the older child first - a 1 year old won't really get much out of the trip at all.

HavantGuard · 19/12/2013 20:05

Sorry, she's being totally reasonable. She's not playing favourites in any way, has said she doesn't care which one comes to visit first and that she will have the other one visit later.

Most people half her age would find it a lot to suddenly have a 1 and 2 year old to look after. This way she actually gets a chance to spend time with each child rather than running after them both.

usualsuspect · 19/12/2013 20:05

Yabu.

I can't see the problem tbh.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 20:06

There is no way I'd look after a 1 year old and a 2 year old simultaneously for more than a couple of hours. That's a huge ask. And I'm perfectly healthy and much younger than your MiL.

Turn taking is perfectly fair, as is starting with the 2 year old.

K8Middleton · 19/12/2013 20:08

Yabu. It's hardly Sophie's choice is it?

Original poster

pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:08

I don't know exactly. I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents and we were never split up for visits so I suppose it just feels odd.

And like I mentioned I have other issues with her that I'm trying to keep separate to this - if it were only my decision then MIL wouldn't have the DC to stay. But I've compromised and said she can have them for 3 nights.

I don't know if I'm making a fuss about nothing with the just having one DC - so am prepared to be told IABU!

OP posts:

hels71 · 19/12/2013 20:10

We only ever went to stay with Granny one at a time.........but there were 5 of us. We used to take turns! We only ever all stayed if mum and dad came too....

Original poster

pingulingo · 19/12/2013 20:10

Cross post - It appears I am being unreasonable and shall try stop myself stewing on the matter!

OP posts:

defineme · 19/12/2013 20:10

I do this for my dm, I have 3 and they're no fun for her altogether-she does it when necessary, but it's lovely when she can give them 1-1 attention. Toddlers are hard work.
Tbh I know a lot of people who wouldn't send them on their own (without you not each other) at that age-can't you visit together? I'm free and easy with my 3 now, but I only sent 1 yr olds off without me for a wedding or something equally big.
Hilarious that people are bringing age into it though- dh is 51 and would get short shrift if he didn't look after our 3 on his own. However, being a grandparent is different and she's entitled to set her own terms for who comes to her house.

defineme · 19/12/2013 20:11

Sorry x post - don't send them

Flip

1 2 3 4